Lost in You

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “Hadley,” he croaks out my name. “I’m not going to be able to stop myself from taking you. I’m so in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for years. If you don’t want this, step away please, I’m begging you.”

  “I want this. I want you.”

  He turns in my arms and picks me up. His lips are on me, his tongue thrusting into my mouth before I can react. His hands go under my skirt, pushing it up over my hips. I hate that I’m wearing tights right now. He cups my ass, pushing me into his erection. His fingers dig into my thighs, pulling my legs farther apart.

  “Room?” he says, only breaking long enough to ask.

  I hate pulling away, but have no choice. “Last door,” is all I can get out before he’s working me into a deep and frenzied kiss.

  We stumble into the wall as he walks us down the hall. He twists my doorknob and pushes my door open, kicking it shut. I’m expecting him to throw me onto the bed, but he doesn’t. He lays me down gently. His lips move down the column of my throat until he reaches my sweater, tugging lightly before giving up.

  I start to laugh.

  “You think this is funny? You’re dressed like an Eskimo.”

  “It’s cold out.”

  “I’ll keep you warm,” he says as he pulls me into a sitting position and lifts my sweater over my head. He slowly undoes each button on my dress shirt, including the ones on my wrists. He kisses each wrist and my shoulders as he slides it off.

  “Another shirt?” he asks when he sees my camisole. I shrug. “I know, you’re cold,” he says as he lifts it over my head.

  I unbuckle his belt, remembering the last time we were like this and how he stopped us. There’s nothing stopping us now. My bra comes off and before I can catch my breath, he has me back on my back and he’s hovering over me. His lips are dangerously close to my nipple that is all but screaming at him for attention.

  “Last chance,” he says against the valley of my breast before taking it in his mouth.

  He has me squirming against him, looking for any type of friction I can get. I was desperate the last time and even more so now. He switches breasts as his hands work my skirt. I undo his fly and try to push his pants down. He slides down my body, painstakingly slow, the pressure increasing.

  I lift my hips for him when he grips my skirt and pulls, taking my tights in one fell swoop. I sit up, bare except for my panties and watch him as he looks at me. He kicks off his shoes and drops his pants the rest of the way. I move up higher on my bed as he crawls over me. He’s on the prowl and I’m his victim.

  He kisses me at my core, over my panties. He moves them aside, feeling me. When his tongue touches me I clamp down on his hair, which he doesn’t seem to mind. As many times as I thought of him, never did I imagine this.

  He does everything perfectly and plays my body like a fiddle. I come undone from his fingers and tongue. My panties go flying across the room as he kisses his way up my body. I want him desperately. I need him.

  He settles between my legs, pressing himself into my center, causing more of an ache. I can feel him, bare and against where I need him most. I wrap my legs around him, holding him there so he can’t change his mind.

  He enters, pushing slowly. I gasp and bite gently down on his shoulder. He hisses as he starts to move inside me. Our bodies sliding against each other, his forehead rested on mine.

  “Oh God, fuck, fuck, fuck,” he mutters, and before I know it he’s off of me, leaning over the bed.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Condom. I don’t have one. I don’t even carry one in my wallet so I’m not sure why I’m looking for one.” He covers his face with his forearm, taking deep breaths.

  I want to cry from the emptiness I feel when his body leaves mine but instead I say, “Ryan, I’m on the pill.”

  He pulls his arm down slightly and looks at me. The nightlight in the corner is letting off just enough light that I can see that he is contemplating if he should or not. Thankfully, he doesn’t think long, and hovers over me once again. He pushes himself inside me. I close my eyes, my legs wrapping around his waist as he goes deeper. Moving his mouth over mine, he kisses me hard, his hand gripping my hips as he stills inside me. Kissing down my chin and then up my jaw, my body clenches his before he slowly bites down on my shoulder.

  Crying out, he chuckles against my throat as he moves his strong hands up to cup my breast. His mouth clamps over my nipple, biting softly before swirling his tongue devilishly against it. I can’t stand it and I scream out, my nails cutting into his bare shoulder. Letting out a breath, his eyes wild with passion, he moves his mouth up the valley of my breasts, his hand moving down my body before gripping my thigh. Pushing my leg up, so that I’m open for him, he moves into me again, pushing to the hilt and taking my breath away. He pulls out and as he is about to slowly move into me again, I glance up at him, my eyes clouded with lust as I whisper, “Ryan.”

  He nods knowing that this is it. This is the moment when everything will change for us. I don’t ever want him to leave. I want him to be mine for the rest of my life. I love him. Dropping my hands, I slowly grip his toned ass. His eyes close before I pull him into me. My body welcomes him and wants him, and when he squeezes my hips from the sheer pleasure of our bodies being connected, I want to scream, but I don’t. He opens his eyes, looking down at me, and then so softly he whispers, “I’ve missed you.”

  I nod, my hands holding onto his wrist as I say, “I’ve missed you.”

  Dropping a kiss to my lips, he starts to move into me with earnest strides. Each thrust taking my breath away. Soon my body is quivering and I come undone, squeezing him so hard that he groans against my cheek. Pushing my legs forward with shaky hands, he starts to thrust wildly into me until he finds his own release, his fingers biting into my sides. I know he’s leaving marks but I don’t care. When he falls onto me, I can’t breathe, but I’m smiling. His breath is labored against my neck as my hand moves up and tangles into his hair, holding him close to me. He kisses up my neck, then to my jaw before sitting up on his arms to kiss my lips. Looking down at me, he cups my face, his eyes searching mine as a small smile goes over his face. I smile back as he asks, “Can I take you to dinner tonight?”

  “Really?” I ask, breathless.

  He nods, “Yeah.”

  “Are you ready to be seen in public with me? Are you ready for the cameras, the life I lead, all of it? Because if you aren’t I understand, but I want you in my life. I don’t want to lose you ever again.”

  “I can handle it.”

  I hope he’s right, because not having Ryan in my life isn’t an option. It wasn’t four years ago and it definitely isn’t now.

  CHAPTER 45

  Ryan

  “You’re stupid.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “YES. YOU. ARE!”

  Dylan yells at the top of her lungs as she throws a glass at my head. I didn’t expect this. Okay, maybe I did, but I thought things would be a bit milder.

  Things have been going amazingly well with Hadley. I’ve seen her every night since that night at O’Malley’s and was her date for Alex and Cole’s wedding. That was the second time we were photographed together, except this time, there was no mistaking that she was with someone.

  After the first night, I tried to take things slow. I didn’t want to rush into having sex with her, unlike the first night, but I’m telling myself that it really didn’t count. It’s a guy thing. Just go with it. My resolve only lasted three days before I couldn’t handle it anymore. We had plans, but when she answered the door in a tight black dress, I lost all ability to think clearly. Ironically, this was the night of my birthday.

  I know things are moving fast. Faster than they should be, but I don’t want to be away from her.

  “What are you going to do about your job?”

  “What about my job?”

  Dylan stands with her hands on her hips. “You work non-stop from February until October. You travel across
the country. Are you going to give it up for her?”

  I look at Dylan with confusion. “No, why would I?”

  “Because she’ll want you to go on tour with her, that’s why. Because she’ll want you to be her arm candy at all her awards shows and whatever.” Dylan sits down on the couch and sighs. I know she means well, but this is a bit over the top. Hadley and I discussed our schedules and she’s not going out on tour anytime soon. Besides, her schedule is more flexible.

  “Look, I know you’re protecting me, but this is right. It feels right, Dylan. If I don’t do this, I’ll regret it.”

  “You’re making a mistake. She’s going to hurt you again. You may believe her sad-ass excuses, but I don’t.”

  “You don’t have to.”

  “No, I just have to pick up the pieces again when she rips your heart to shreds.”

  “I don’t feel that, in here.” I put my hand over my heart and plead with Dylan to trust me.

  She shakes her head, wiping her traitor tears away. She stands and grabs her purse. “I can’t watch you do this. Not with her. Anyone but her, Ryan.”

  “It doesn’t work that way and you know it.”

  “I don’t know it, Ry. What I know is that when you were seventeen you were so lost in her that you couldn’t see clearly. You haven’t had a healthy relationship since her.”

  “Our relationship was good.”

  Dylan scoffs. “No it wasn’t. I took advantage of you and you know it. You just don’t want to admit it. We were always better off as friends.”

  I walk over to her and pull her into my arms. “I love you, D. I always have, but she’s the one. I feel alive when I’m with her. Every fiber of my being is on fire when she’s near. I know you don’t want me to get hurt, but I don’t feel like that is going to happen.”

  “And when it does?”

  “Then label me a fool because that’s what I’ll be.”

  Dylan wraps her arms around my waist and holds herself to me. I don’t want this to be goodbye, but I’m hoping after today things will change for Hadley and me.

  “I love you, Ry. I hope you’re enough for her. I’ll be here if you’re not.”

  Dylan lets go and walks out of the door. I look around our apartment, an upgrade from the one we lived in while I was in college. As soon as I was hired by the Yankees we moved here. It’s a bit classier and definitely in a much nicer part of town. Dylan’s in her final year of school and I know she doesn’t need the stress, but this is something I have to do for me.

  I pick up my keys and head out to Hadley’s. We’re supposed to meet up with her manager tonight, but I have other plans. I stop at the corner florist and pick up a couple dozen lilies and roses and carry them the ten blocks to her apartment.

  I think that the worst discovery was that we only lived ten blocks from each other. I’ve jogged down her street many times and never once knew she was there. I climb the steps and meet the doorman. For the most part, her building is fairly secure. For the first few weeks, I had to show my ID to the doorman and the desk clerk before they’d even call her and let her know I was down there. Now they know me by name.

  I ring her doorbell and wait. My nerves are starting to get the best of me. She doesn’t know I’m coming. This is a surprise. When the door swings open I’m greeted with the most breathtaking smile I could ever hope for.

  I kiss her, pulling her to me, smashing the flowers in between us. I know I’m making the right decision.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I had to see you.”

  I shut the door behind me and lock it, handing her the flowers in the process. She brings them to her nose and takes a deep breath. Her eyes close as she inhales the fragrance. I could watch her all day and I’d learn so much about her.

  She follows me into the living room and sits next to me. I kiss her again and again, thanking my lucky stars that I have her back in my life.

  I clear my throat and pull her hand into mine.

  “I was asked once to close my eyes and imagine I’m dancing. Play the song in my head and feel the person pressed against my body. Look at the person I'm holding and I'd know who my soul mate is.” I reach into my pocket and pull out the black velvet box I bought three days after I saw her. Getting down on one knee, I kiss the inside of her wrist.

  Her hand goes to her mouth to stifle her gasp. I can’t help but smile. I know this is right.

  “Ryan,” she whispers.

  “When I close my eyes, I see you. I’ve seen you since I was eighteen years old. I knew you were the one for me. If you would’ve asked me months ago if it was possible for me to find my soul mate, my answer would’ve been no. But you walked back into my life and I’m not willing to take any chances.

  “I know our lifestyles are different and our jobs are crazy, but I can’t see myself with anyone else but you. I don’t want anyone else and I know you were in that bar for a reason.”

  “Will you marry me, Hadley?”

  “On one condition,” she says.

  “What’s that?”

  “That we get married right away.”

  “Why the rush?” I ask as I slip the ring on her finger.

  She picks up my hand and kisses it and then kisses my lips. “I don’t want to live another day without being your wife.”

  I move over her, pushing her gently onto the couch. I hover above her, looking into her eyes and I know she’s sincere.

  “I love you, Ryan. I always have.”

  “You didn’t say yes.”

  “What?” she laughs lightly.

  “You didn’t say yes. I asked you to marry me and you didn’t say yes.”

  “Oh—”

  “Will you marry me, Hadley Carter?”

  “Yes, yes I will, but only if I can ask you something in return.”

  “You don’t like your ring?” I sit back on my knees and look at her. I love her ring. The moment I saw it, I knew it was for her. That’s how I knew I was making the right decision.

  “What? No, I love my ring.” She sits up and runs her hands up my chest. “Will you move in here?”

  “I thought you’d never ask,” I say as my lips come crashing down on hers.

  Finally, my life is playing out like I planned all those years ago. I know things happened for a reason, but not knowing why is probably the hardest part. In the years I was away from Hadley, I grew as a person. I wasn’t cynical or a hard-ass. I worked hard in college and at my job, paving the way for my future. I took care of Dylan as promised and even tried my hand at love once or twice, but nothing felt right until that night in the bar when I saw her standing there – and I knew. I felt it in my bones that if I didn’t keep her, I’d never find the happiness I felt when I knew her the first time because, without a doubt, she and I are meant to be together.

  KEEP READING FOR A

  SNEAK PEEK

  OF

  PRETTY LITTLE LIES

  By Debut Author

  Jennifer Miller

  Chapter One

  “Fashion tip: Stilettos are great when paired with a great pair of jeans skirt, or dress. Not only do they make your legs look longer and give your calves a great work out but they have the added bonus of coming in handy should you need to give a cheating husband a kick in the crotch!”

  I blink hard and try to bring the papers in front of me into focus. I’m almost done. I just need to sign a few more of these freaking legal documents and then I can put this ridiculous mistake of a marriage behind me. When I met Deacon, I was a sophomore in college. I was vulnerable, and looking for an escape from the boring student I had become. Deacon offered me just the release I craved. The endless parties, tapped kegs, promises of hot sex, and occasionally other experimentation that I choose to forget, made getting involved with him a no-brainer. Add a side of studying and managing a fashion blog that took on a life of its own and you have my college life and relationship with Deacon in a nutshell.

  My heart aches; anguish now cours
es through my veins just as steadily as blood. I’m really not sure at this point how or why I am still feeling pain. If I’m honest with myself, I can’t really be surprised my marriage has ended this way. I mean, I got married in Vegas for god sakes; at a drive up chapel after a drunken late night proposal that I can barely remember. Spring Break during our senior year, a bunch of us had the brilliant idea to spend the week in Vegas. One night during our stay we did the traditional walk up and down the strip drinking the whole way. I vaguely remember Deacon making a production on the sidewalk, getting down on one knee and asking me to marry him, a rose he had bought from a street vendor in hand. Amongst the hoots and hollers of our friends, I impulsively accepted and we flagged down a taxi cab to take us to the closest chapel.

  This bizarre wedding was only the beginning of what ended up being a marriage full of questions and contradictions. I spent years wondering what I had gotten myself into and questioning why I stayed as long as I did. So the question remains, why then am I still struggling? I’ve cried until I heaved from it over and over again and had nothing left. I’ve been so angry, that it felt like my insides were burning, and I was sure I was going to combust from the intensity of my fury. How my heart can still ache at a loss that frankly has been coming for a while, is unfathomable to me.

  I stare again at the papers, and while the whole document is in the same font, the words Dissolution of Marriage seem to be screaming at me, taunting me with their meaning.

  Dissolution of Marriage.

  Divorced at twenty – five.

  Single and just another statistic to add to the divorce rate.

  Admitting I never thought this would happen to me is a gigantic understatement. My life wasn’t supposed to go this way. At one time I had a plan, a dream, but little by little it all fell apart.

  I briefly close my eyes and see myself on my wedding day, well what I remember of it anyway. Wearing my favorite designer jeans and Madonna t-shirt, giggling, with a cocktail in my hand; and while it may have been a crazy and an impulsive thing to do, I was actually elated and excited. When I woke up the next morning and realized what I had done, I knew things would never be the same. I had a brief sense of uncertainty and I wondered how I could have been so impulsive to make such a huge, life-altering decision but at the same time all I could see was the life I had always envisioned, more exciting and fuller because instead of just me… there would be an us. I wouldn’t have to be alone, vulnerable and looking for an escape again. Maybe I could even resurrect the real me and get my life back on track. I would have a husband that would support me no matter what. Right? Any and all naysayers be damned, my life was about to start, and I would prove them all wrong. The world was mine! What a fool I was.