Forced Out of the Darkness

by Jackson Jr, G. Wayne

  “Oh ok, I know how difficult it could be trying to get that perfect.”

  “They act like they don’t know their parts and we’ve been singing the songs for months. It just got me frustrated, but all in all everything was well.”

  Cameron and Monti continued their conversation about what happened throughout the day. Cameron filled Monti in about brunch and him taking the rest of the day to relax. Monti wanted to tell Cameron about his past, but he was scared that Cameron couldn’t take it and that he wouldn’t want to get to know him better. Because of shame, Monti further kept his secrets. Monti was not ready to divulge his deep dark secrets nor was he ready to deal with them on his own. His upbringing proved that secrets should remain secret and no one would find out about them. This thinking would soon prove Monti wrong.

  “When are we going to see each other again?” Cameron asked.

  “I don’t know man. When did you want to see me?”

  “I hope soon because I really enjoyed spending time with you yesterday. You were a breath of fresh air and even though you didn’t tell me your name initially. I feel that you’re a good guy and I’m definitely wanting to see where this will lead.”

  Monti wanted to see where this would lead also, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready for Cameron’s realness. Monte was not an openly gay man and he was heavily involved in the church. Cameron, too, was heavily involved in church but didn’t face the same issues that Monti did. He knew that he did not want to go back to his wife especially after the stunt she pulled when he had to go to the hospital. He loved his children, however he did not want to be unhappy in his day-to-day life. He also didn’t want them to feel the constant tension between he and Yolanda. He didn’t have any examples growing up of parents that raised their children separately. He remembered growing up in a military family that would move every few years due to his father being reassigned to different posts throughout the world, but they were always together. Monti did not like possibility that his children would be raised in two separate homes.

  “So Monti, tell me something about you that I should know that I don’t know?”

  “I don’t know man what do you want to know?”

  “When I looked at you at dinner last night I got to see that there were some sadness in your eyes what caused that?”

  “I’m not sure what you’re talking about. I guess you’re reading into things that are not there. I used to work in construction so because of my job, as a roofer, my eyes were darker.”

  That damn Cameron, he was too observant and his observations made Monti feel uncomfortable. Monty had every intention on being honest and straightforward with Cameron but he really had to get to know him first. Until that time, Monti felt that he was going to keep his business to himself until he was ready to reveal it. Right now, the first thing on Monti’s agenda was to see Cameron again because he was horny and wanted Cameron to take care of it.

  “Cameron, can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure go ahead.”

  “What are you in to sexually?”

  “I’m just a sexual person. I don’t like to fall into sexual roles such as top or bottom. I just like to be me and go with the flow.”

  Monty didn’t understand how it was that Cameron could be so free-spirited and just live life like there was no care. What Monty didn’t know was that Cameron had his own demons that he had to deal with also. He didn’t understand that Cameron just ended a relationship with Guy who helped him to understand who he was and to embrace who he was and will be. Cameron had not so long ago just decided to be an openly gay man, at least outside of the church. He thought Cameron didn’t have the pressures to be a straight man because he didn’t have a wife.

  “Cameron, because you say that, you know the saying whatever you did to get the man you have to do to keep them.”

  “That’s what you think Monti? My thoughts on it is that you keep communication open and you talk about things are that bothering you. A relationship should have trust and respect for each other so that you can talk about it and make the appropriate adjustments as needed.”

  “Ok, I can respect that. Cameron, you come from a place deep within yourself. I really want to get to know you better. I want to get to know you like the Bible says, too. There aren’t many brothers that intrigue me like you do. I think we can both benefit from seeing this thing farther. It will never be one-sided.”

  What Cameron seriously wanted was an equal-effort relationship. He knew that two gay men could have a successful monogamous relationship despite what the naysayers had to say. Yes, he knew that men were men and they loved nasty freaky sex but would he be able to be free within the confines of this relationship? “Humm,” he thought, “what an oxy-moron”

  “I like the way that sounds; but are you able to do that?” Cameron responded.

  “Yes, I can. I was married before, but my wife cheated on me.” Monti said.

  “Married? Tell me about that. What happened with that?”

  “Well I wanted kids and a family so I met a girl from around the neighborhood in my early twenty’s. We ended up getting to know each other and found out that we liked each other. We ended up getting married. We tried to have a baby but she wasn’t able to get pregnant. We adopted a boy from an adoption agency. Their mother was a heavy drug user. We thought this was our opportunity to complete our family. We had an immaculate home. When you walked into our house, you thought that you were in a house featured in a magazine. I had it laid out. Then one day, my wife got pregnant. We were happy and had an addition to the family. After our son was four years old, I came home from work to find my wife in bed with my best friend. And I lost it. I just packed up my stuff and took the kids to my mom’s house. She didn’t want the kids or me, so we are separated.”

  “Question for you…when did you get divorced?”

  “We are not divorced yet. We are currently separated.”

  “Wow, you did not tell me that you were still married?”

  “Well…I didn’t think it mattered because we are separated and eventually going to get a divorce.”

  “Do I have to worry about you going back to your wife and kids? Where does this leave me in the picture? I can compete with any man on the planet but I can’t compete with no woman. I don’t have the right body parts.”

  “No, you don’t have to worry about me going back to her. It is over. She cheated on me and I can’t get that picture out of my head. I can’t go back to her. I don’t trust her.”

  Monti was always the epitome of confidence and security on the exterior. Deep inside, he was a man that was broken from years of hurt from those he let close to him. He never received acceptance and love from his father, who always thought that he was one of those ‘soft’ boys. He never received a hug from his father because Mr. Burroughs thought that boys didn’t need affection. He thought they needed tough love in order to grow into tough men. Monti married because he thought that it would make the relationship he had with his father better.

  The biggest hurt that came was when he came home from work early that autumn day. He wanted to surprise his wife and take her out for lunch. They had been having arguments lately because she felt that her husband was distant. He was not able to fully connect to her like she felt that a husband should. She practically begged him to have sex but he always had excuses. The truth of the matter was that he was screwing both men and women outside of the relationship. Lunch times at the strip clubs with the construction crew were ample times for him to go to the back room to do the freaky stuff his wife was to good to do. Leaving for work early to stop off at a guy’s house for that early morning nut had him drained when he came home from work. He was searching for someone to love him and to validate him because Yolanda didn’t.

  When Monti walked into his home and smelled sex in the air. When he went up the stairs, he heard the sounds of ecstasy. When he walked up to his bedroom door and heard his wife saying, “Yes, fuck me harder.” When he opened the bedroom and
saw someone else balls deep in his wife’s pussy. When he saw his best friend, whom he ran track with in school, was the man taking her to that place that was reserved for he and her alone. He lost his sense of self. He lost his confidence. He lost his security. He lost his trust in people. He died that day and in this shell of a man grew this darkness that was the Monti today.

  “Oh ok. You sure do know how to dump some shit on a guy.” Cameron said.

  “I’m sorry but you wanted to ask me the questions.”

  “So it is my fault?”

  “You asked the questions, not me.”

  “I guess. If you were open you would have told me this without me having to ask.” Cameron said playfully.

  “You got that one…what do you have up for tomorrow?” Monti asked.

  “I am off this weekend so I am going to church and then meet up with Shaine for our regular Sunday dinner. After that I am free. What about you?”

  “I have church, other than that I have no plans. How about we hook up after you are done? I can come to you. I do want to see you again. Plus you are sexy as hell and you definitely turn a brother on.”

  “Thanks for the compliment. I appreciate it. I do want to see you again Mr. Married Man. Yes, you can come by say about 7:00 or 8:00 pm, ok?”

  “That is fine with me. Sleep tight and I will see you tomorrow.”

  “Good night, Monti.”

  Chapter Eleven

  a P rophetic Warning

  Lately, Cameron was losing his desire to attend church. He would leave church some days feeling worse than he did when he arrived. Growing up, attending church was solace for Cameron. The pastor told everyone’s business from the pulpit under the guise of God revealing it, when in fact, the information was gained by the sheepish followers telling him. He loved church. In church, Cameron found himself lost in the praise and worship but he loved good preaching also. For many years, Cameron was able to sort through the hatred that was spit from the pulpit to find the love of the God that was there for him in his dark times. It was getting harder, as Cameron matured in life and in his understanding of God, for Cameron to continue to embrace the traditional church because they strayed away from the love of God to the hatred of man. Cameron knew that he had to live in truth. That truth was that he was a gay man, formed in the image of a loving God. He had to find the inner peace that was comfortable with him being a sexual being…after all God created that too, right?

  Cameron was an upstanding Christian man who lived life according to the Bible to the best of his ability. Cameron wanted to please God and be happy with his life. He was contradictory because religion conflicted with genetics. Or was it that genetics conflicted with religion? All Cameron knew was that he loved God with all his heart but a good-looking man turned his head. He did not wake up each morning and say…“hey, I think I will like muscles and facial hair today.” He heard the statement, “God loves the sinner, but hates the sin.” That didn’t help him with his conflict. According to church teachings, men like Cameron were supposed to be celibate and turn off all desires for emotional attachment. He would be required to abandon all needs and desires for Eros love. According to church teaching, jacking off was even forbidden. What was he supposed to do? Oh yeah, maybe he was just supposed to become a eunuch, but that was not going to happen.

  Cameron pulled up to the church and had to park in the parking lot across the street because the main parking lot was already full. He said his greetings to the other parishioners as he made his way into the building. The sanctuary was already filling up as the saints waited for the minister to come out and lead the opening prayer. Cameron found his way towards the front of the sanctuary. He liked to be near the alter and also close enough to the front to avoid distractions from the latecomers and the ones who only came to look and criticize. He felt he could concentrate more on the sermon when he was up front. There were a lot of sexy guys that came to his church and he had to stay focused in order for him to get the message. As with other churches, Cameron’s was a place to meet other men of like minds.

  This Sunday the choir sung like they have been through the storm. They sang a song about this being only a test that you are going through. They encouraged the congregants by saying it is going to be over real soon if we keep the faith and never let go because it is only a test. The soloist was truly a COGIC woman. She did not wear any make-up but you could feel that she had a relationship with God. As she ministered in song, it reached Cameron’s soul. It was not a fake or made up praise, she truly worshiped God from experience. This experience with God connected with Cameron’s relationship with God. She sang so well until Cameron got goose bumps on his arms. He knew that this was going to be a service where he would go home feeling empowered and renewed and not beat down.

  The pastor came up to the podium to deliver the sermon for the service. The pastor was a young pastor. One could tell that he was raised in the church because he had mannerisms of those that had been in church for years. He was 42 years old but his demeanor showed that he had an old soul. Despite the salt and pepper in his goatee he was quite attractive. He was charismatic and educated which helped him articulate the sermon skillfully.

  “Turn to the 37th Division of Psalm, the 4th verse. The Word says: Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”

  This scripture was very familiar to Cameron.

  “If I were to take a title for the sermon today…it would be…What does your heart desire?”

  This title immediately caught Cameron’s attention. Was the Pastor sitting on the phone with Cameron on one of his phone calls? This sermon was going to be right up Cameron’s alley.

  “There are many different types of desires. For the purpose of this sermon, we will talk about three of them. The natural desire, separation desire, and holistic desire. The natural desires are the desires that are needed for survival. These are the ones that when we notice we do something about them. The separation desires are those desires that you want and you know you can’t have. These cause you to feel bad and to mourn the loss of something that you never had in the first place.”

  Cameron was listening intently to the sermon because he needed a clear understanding about what his desires were and how to ensure that they were under control.

  “Money and relationships are often in this category. People desire to be loved, accepted, and acknowledged. When people find out they have this type of desire they do not believe that it can happen to them and then they believe that they need this to be happy. It is this inability to have it that causes the separation, which brings about the undesired emotions. The last desire is the holistic desire. People who have everything experience this. These people are whole and complete. Whether they have it or not, they are ok because they feel good right now.”

  The congregation was giving each other high fives as the preacher continued down desire lane, explaining in detail how the different desires affect the person. Many people were taking notes as the preacher was explaining.

  “Your character is the true identifier of what you truly desire. Our desires are revealed through our character, our self-esteem, our purpose and our thinking. You cannot have worldly cravings or desires for corrupt things and corrupt people if you have the mind of Christ. The Bible says, let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus. If you take on the mind of Christ, your desires would line up with those of the Father. These are the desires that he promised to give you when you delight yourself in him. God has a great amount of blessings and promises for you if you delight yourself in him.”

  The message today was a powerful one. Though the preacher did not yell and scream, Cameron was touched by the word as it came forth.

  “You have to make sure that you guard your heart and your desires. Become one with God and you will be able to synchronize your desires with those of the Father. God wishes that you prosper and be in good health. Being in a bad relationship is not prosperous and it is not being in
good health. Someone needs to hear that they have to get back in tune with their inner man and stop ignoring the signs that you have been given. Your desires are not lining up with God’s and this path is only leading to destruction.”

  As he preached, Cameron felt the message. He wanted to be one with God but did not know how to synchronize his desires with God’s.

  Cameron prayed and fasted many days and nights. He gave up drinking and partying to get a closer walk with God. He wanted peace in his life and not conflict. He just wanted to live life and leave a legacy of work on earth at the end of his days. He never felt that he was perverted or demon possessed. He sometimes found himself mad at God for not honoring his prayers. He prayed to be released from these non-affirming same sex feelings but nothing he did changed his attractions. He did know his mistakes were not done with ill intentions but was done with a pure heart and he strived to be better each day.

  After the sermon, Cameron went down for prayer and was feeling empowered after alter call was over. He knew that he would be able to get through this week. Cameron prayed and asked God to reveal things to him that were being hidden in the darkness, reveal those people who were close to him or those that wanted to be close to him. He was even encouraged to come back next week because today he was not beaten down by mean spirited man-ology presented as theology. That is what he called doctrine that was created by man to beat down the sin of the month. “Thank God this was not the week for that foolishness.” Cameron exhaled as he pulled out of the parking lot headed to J. Alexander to meet up with Shaine.

  “How was your service?” Cameron asked Monti.

  “It was good and spirit filled.”

  “What church do you go to again?”

  “One day I will take you with me. Are we still on for tonight?” Monti eluded the question.

  “Wow, did you just blow me off?”

  “No, I am just excited to be able to see you tonight. We are still on for tonight, right?”