Just a Memory

by Lois Carroll

After the clerk added all the items to the sales slip, Mac learned he would have to wait over a week for delivery. “The truck only goes down there once every two weeks,” the clerk explained.

  Mac signed the credit card slip and left his work number to call when they came so he could drive out from work and open the house.

  At a large mall they got linens and a quilt for Mac’s new bed.

  “We’ll have to wait until you can measure the windows to get drapes,” Carolyn explained.

  “Nobody out there to see me,” he responded with a shrug. He paid for the linens and as they exited the store, he pulled out a list. Carolyn peered over and read “Christmas list.” She looked up at Mac. “Now comes the hard part,” he told her. As their shopping excursion continued, they laughed often over outlandish gift ideas.

  Carolyn always felt amazed that they laughed together so easily. Laughing was something both Carolyn and Mac admitted they seldom did in their lives before meeting each other. She knew their laughter was a more precious gift than any they could shop for. More precious and more fragile.

  “I wish I’d met you years ago,” Mac said suddenly as they completed their final purchase.

  Carolyn shook her head. “No, Mac,” she said, her arm on his. “We wouldn’t have been the same people then.”

  “I suppose you’re right,” he allowed, not sounding convinced.

  Carolyn knew she was right. There was a lot to be said in favor of meeting at their ages. While they had eagerly shared the ultimate fulfillment of their caring relationship the night of the snow storm, they were mature enough to know they shared so much more of each other as well. If only it all didn’t feel too wonderful to be real. Too wonderful to last.

  It was already dark when they walked out of the last mall toward Mac’s car. They each held some of the packages so they could hold hands as they walked.

  Mac was the first to see the red lights flashing. He held Carolyn’s hand tighter and quickened the pace of their steps toward a patrol car parked in the drive behind Mac’s car. Carolyn could see the uniformed officer in the front seat. He got out when they approached the car. Mac spoke first. “Is something wrong, Officer?”

  “That your car?”

  “Yes, it’s mine.”

  “Could I see some identification, sir?”

  “Sure.” He handed the bags he’d carried to Carolyn and turned back to the officer. “It’s in my inside blazer pocket,” Mac said, his hands relaxed at his sides. “I’m armed. A shoulder holster on my left side, the same side as my ID.”

  Mac waited for the nod of approval from the uniformed man. Then with one hand lifting his jacket and blazer open wide enough to expose the gun in its holster, Mac reached slowly with two straight extended fingers and pulled out the wallet. He flipped it open exposing the badge on one side and his photo ID card on the other. He held it out for the trooper who shone his flashlight in Mac’s face to compare the photo with his face.

  Carolyn watched his deliberate movements with wide eyes. She’d only seen this kind of thing happen on television shows, but this was real. They were just out shopping and Mac had been carrying his gun. When they were horsing around in the store and her arms had been around him, she never felt the gun under his arm through his coat. She hadn’t even thought–

  “Thank you, sir. I had to be sure. I’m here to deliver a message for you. You’re to call the Lakehaven station at once and speak to Officer Hines.”

  “Do you know what it’s about?” Mac asked the officer.

  “A jailbreak, sir. Somebody you put away just recently. I don’t know the details, but they said you would know at once. The guy who broke out said he was going to find you and kill you, sir.” His eyes darted to Carolyn and then back to Mac. “He left two guards dead in his wake. That’s all I’ve been told.”

  As Carolyn watched the men talk, a feeling of panic rose within her that she could not swallow down.

  The red flashing lights from the top of the car fled across their faces with a sickening regularity. So unreal–like an old-time movie flashing on the screen. Their movements, highlighted in the flashes of red, seemed stiff and disjointed.

  But this scene was not a black and white reel. This was black and blood-red. It was real.

  “Thanks. We’ll get right back to Lakehaven. Could you relay the message that I’m on my way?”

  “Sure thing.” The trooper turned to Carolyn and tipped his hat to her. “Sorry, ma’am. Have a good evening.”

  After turning off the red flashers, he drove slowly down the parking lot aisle. The other shoppers who had gathered at a distance began to go to their own cars, deciding the show was over. They couldn’t have heard the conversation and must have figured it turned out to be nothing.

  How wrong they were.

  Mac took Carolyn’s elbow and started around his car. She resisted the movement and he turned to her. Her eyes were brimming over with tears. Her voice squeaked as she looked up with utter disbelief. “A gun, Mac? Do you need a gun to go Christmas shopping with me?” Carolyn was only vaguely aware of the cold wind blowing through her coat making her body, overheated from wearing the coat in the mall, shiver visibly.

  Still holding her elbow, Mac nearly lifted her toward the car. “Come on. Standing under a light in a parking lot is no place to talk about this.” Her legs were given no choice but to work. What was wrong with talking under the light? That was supposed to be a safe place to stand.

  Mac unlocked the door and after putting their purchases on the back seat and allowing her to get in, he shut it. He stepped around to his side and quickly climbed in behind the wheel. He didn’t speak, only leaned over to fasten both seatbelts when Carolyn made no move to do her own.

  The post-holiday shopping traffic was heavy, but they were soon on the highway heading back to Lakehaven. As the heater warmed the car, Carolyn’s numbness wore off. She had to know more. She and Mac had been intimate. She knew all there was to know about his body and yet now she wondered if she even knew this man sitting next to her at all. There was so much about him that he wouldn’t share with her.

  “Someone’s coming to kill you?” Her voice wasn’t above a whisper.

  Mac sighed. “Carolyn, I’m a cop. I’ve been a cop for a long time. You know that. For almost half of those years, I was part of a special undercover team. We worked on whatever came up. None of it was nice.”

  He paused as he seemed to choose his words carefully. “The kind of work I did meant going after some of the worst criminals out there. We worked odd hours. Hell, we worked all hours. Even our supposedly off-duty time was spent ready for action if necessary. I know I haven’t told you a lot about it, but most of it isn’t something I’d want you to hear. I’m still tangled in the web of that life, and until I’m free of it, I have to be prepared at all times.”

  He raised his hand to stop her breaking in. “A lot of what I did I’m not even allowed to talk about. None of it was easy and…and all of it was very dangerous.” He took a deep breath and let it out rapidly. “I thought I’d explained enough so you understood that,” he added in a lower voice.

  Carolyn knew he was expressing disappointment. Was it so wrong of her not to want to think about the danger he had been in? The danger she now was forced to realize he was still in.

  Suddenly she wanted to deny his disappointment was justified. “That trooper didn’t even tell you who it was and yet you know, don’t you?”

  “Yes, I know who it must be, but I’ll still confirm it as soon as we’re out of this valley and I can use the radio phone.” After a few miles of silence, Mac radioed in to the station. The conversation was brief and almost code-like. He returned the phone to the holder.

  “I was right. His name is Edwardo Santini. I could never forget him.” Mac looked toward Carolyn and down at her hands tightly folded on her lap. He pulled off his right glove and put his hand over hers and held them as he continued.

  “Before I met you, I saw him every night in a nightm
are about the night I was shot. Eddy Santini was the buyer we arrested.”

  They were nearly to Lakehaven by the time Mac finished the whole story. “When the backup finally got there, Eddy was the only one they bagged. They could never get the murder charge to stick though. The guys with the money on the boat and whoever did the shooting all got away. For something we thought was planned so well, it sure went wrong.”

  Mac continued with a voice that was almost monotone. “Since Sam and I were the ones who had gotten inside, and Sam was dead…” He inhaled deeply before going on. “I was the one who testified against Eddy. They took him out of the courtroom yelling he was going to get me. It’s not uncommon to hear the defendant saying something like that. What is uncommon is this one got free again.”

  Mac covered the remaining few blocks and turned onto Carolyn’s street. He doused the headlights before he turned into her driveway. He reached into the back seat and got her package. They each exited their own door at the same time. When they met in front of the car, Mac ushered her to the front door with a firm hand on her elbow. She pulled out her keys which he took and opened the door. She was glad that he did because she knew her hands were shaking too much to manage.

  Setting the bag on the hall table, Mac reached around the doorframe and turned on the kitchen light, but left the entry hall light off. “Stay here. I want to check things.” His voice was low and his face so close she could feel his breath on her face.

  Mac the cop slipped silently through the whole house, checking each room for any disturbance, every window for signs of entry. He returned to the front hall to find her in exactly the same spot still holding her purse. She was surprised to see a smile on his lips. She also saw the smile didn’t come anywhere near to reaching his eyes.

  He took hold of her shoulders. “Caro, I pray to God I haven’t gotten you mixed up in this because of knowing me and spending time with me. I would hunt them until my last breath if anything happened to you.”

  He shut his eyes, and she saw the pain on his face. Squeezing her shoulders harder, he looked back into her eyes. “Promise me, Caro, that you’ll stay home tomorrow. It’s Sunday. Your store is closed and Terri can stay with Christie. If you must, tell Judy what’s going on. Until this guy is caught, don’t go anywhere. Promise me?”

  Carolyn could only nod her agreement. Her face had to be reflecting the fear she felt tying her stomach in knots. It also had to be showing him how she felt about him being in danger too. She raised her hands to grasp the lapels of his jacket. “Mac.”

  Suddenly they clung to each other. They couldn’t get close enough. They held each other so tightly Carolyn couldn’t breathe. Then they were kissing, a kiss unlike any other they had shared–a desperate goodbye kiss, Carolyn finally concluded. It was a kiss that seemed to try to fit in all the emotion they could. Enough to last a lifetime.

  Then they were apart, and Mac was leaving.

  “Lock this door, and don’t open it unless you’re sure who’s there. Don’t open it for anyone you don’t know, no matter what they say,” he ordered. She nodded. He stepped out and looked back once more at her face. “I’m sorry. You deserve so much better.” He pulled the door closed between them.

  She locked the deadbolt and turned the knob lock. Leaning against the door, she raised her fingers to her swollen lips and squeezed her eyes shut tightly to expel the tears gathered there. She listened as the sound of Mac’s car disappeared into the silence of the evening.

  With typical determination and resolve to think positively, Carolyn hung up her coat and stepped into the kitchen. She reached for the phone and punched Judy’s number. After explaining what had happened, she added, “I don’t want Terri to know anything about this. She’s too young to understand.”

  “Don’t worry a minute, hon. You call me when you want her to come home tomorrow, okay?”

  “Yes. I’m sure nothing will happen, but I just feel safer with her at your house instead of here.”

  “I understand, hon. Don’t worry. I won’t let her go home until I hear from you. Say, do you want to sleep on our couch?”

  “Thanks, but I really don’t expect trouble. But if there is any, I sure don’t want to bring it to you. Mac will cover all the bases and I think our plan is the safest way. I owe you a big thanks–again!”

  Judy laughed and said it was no problem. They arranged to talk again after Carolyn heard from Mac the next day.

  Carolyn hung up the phone and wondered what in the world she could do to make the long hours until she heard from Mac pass more quickly.

  When in doubt, turn to chocolate. Carolyn decided that hot chocolate would make her feel better and help fill the time while she waited. She and Judy had joked once that chocolate could fix all of one’s problems. She made the drink quickly using the microwave to heat a cup of water to which she added the dry mix. She stirred it as she headed for the living room.

  Her gaze rested on the plastic bag of gifts she’d bought while shopping with Mac. She could wrap the presents to keep busy. If she stayed busy, the time would pass more quickly. She could also do the gift envelopes for the mailman and one for Charlie.

  No, not Charlie. He wasn’t the handyman for White Properties anymore. The stingy landlord had made him pay for all the repairs in exchange for not pressing charges. But at least Charlie didn’t have to go to jail. Hines told Carolyn at one point he thought White would press charges, but he didn’t when they agreed on how to compensate for the expenses.

  Now Charlie and Mavis were still planning to go to Arizona after the holidays. Hopefully that restored Mavis’s faith in men by having her man live up to his promises.

  When television couldn’t divert her attention, she hoped maybe getting some sleep was a better idea. She turned out the living room light and went to her bedroom. Abandoning her clothes on the chair by the front window, she managed to get a flannel gown over her head, but her trembling hands made buttoning up the tiny buttons on the front next to impossible.

  She washed with mechanical motions before she slipped under the covers and curled up into the fetal position between the cold sheets. She felt so chilled her teeth chattered.

  As her eyes finally adjusted to the dark, she saw the blue numerals on her clock radio that lit the room with an eerie glow. So many hours until morning. Sleep. If she could only go to sleep. Sleep, Carolyn. Sleep.

  She felt totally alone and there was nothing she could do about it. Now Mac might never be coming back either, not if Eddy had his way. She sat up with a start. “No!”

  She could no longer deny the possibility. Lying down again, she also knew there was nothing she could have done for Richard. No matter how long she’d sat at his side, how hard she’d worked at the store, she couldn’t keep him from dying and leaving her all alone. And there was nothing she could do to save Mac’s life now if this Eddy person had his way.

  Why had she allowed Mac into her life? Into Terri’s life? Before she met Mac, her life was so calm, so uneventful, so safe, so boring. Now she wanted so desperately to help him.

  With a shuddering breath, she wiped her tears on her flannel sleeve and got up. She headed for a warm shower. The hard spray warmed her chilled body and relaxed her tense muscles a little, but she cried in frustration and fear for Mac, the man she wanted to keep safe and near to her but couldn’t. The warm water washed her tears down the drain. When she could cry no more, she felt exhausted.

  As she toweled dry, she resolved she could at least show Mac she was there for him with support and comfort and friendship. This danger or some danger in the future wouldn’t stop her from keeping Mac in her life for as long as he wanted to be there. She loved him and because she loved him, she held him in a special place in her heart and nothing would ever change that.

  Not even losing him.

  If she was going to be of any use to anyone, let alone Mac, she had to stop feeling sorry for herself and get some sleep. She returned to bed and wondered where Mac would be sleeping tonig
ht.

  They had planned to go to his house on the lake tonight. He said this would be a night she would never forget. How ironic. Here she was in bed at her home, alone. Not what she’d pictured happening. She refused to think of the ways the danger to Mac could make it an unforgettable night in a far different way.

  Instead, she created a clear image in her mind of Mac safely sleeping alone in his beautiful new house, and then Carolyn finally fell asleep.

  Leaving Carolyn at her door, without saying much about what would be happening during the night, hurt. Mac wanted to take her in his arms and tell her it would be okay. He wanted to be a knight in shining armor and say the big bad dragon, Eddy, would be vanquished, and Carolyn and Mac would live happily ever after.

  He couldn’t do it.

  Dragons came in all different shapes and forms now. The fire they breathed was in the shape of new dynamic bullets and plastic explosives. No coat of armor, not even a bulletproof vest or shield, could protect a person from all of them. Mac knew that. He’d seen it all.

  Carolyn had seen nothing. Lakehaven was too far removed from the dark alleys he’d tried in vain to clean out all those years. Now, he may have gotten her involved in his dirt just by association. He’d known better than to allow their relationship to develop and he would never forgive himself for the pain he caused her. His past business wasn’t over by a long shot. Mac smiled at his own unintentional pun, but found no humor in his situation.

  He couldn’t stop feeling drawn to Carolyn. She was like a delicate moth and he was the life-threatening firelight. She was beauty where he’d been immersed in filth. Caro was love where he’d known only hate. Her body was all giving and before now he’d only dealt with those on the take.

  Maybe he was getting soft, burned out after all those years of trying to clean up situations that only got dirtier. If he was, then he wasn’t as alert as he should be and that could be dangerous. Very dangerous. For both of them. The anguish he felt at the possibility of Caro being harmed in any way tore through him. What was next?

  There never had been any doubt. Mac couldn’t stop until the whole case was taken care of and the slate of his past life was clean. There would be no ghosts haunting him in his sleep. He had to do it for Sam, but especially for Caro. No matter what it took.