Just a Memory

by Lois Carroll

  He commanded his weak body to get up. His shirt was sticking to the new wet blood sliding down his chest since Harry had shaken him. His feet hitting the floor helped galvanize him into action, despite the intense pain when he moved.

  He rose and held onto the foot of the bed a minute until the dizziness passed. The cold chilled him to the bone. He was shivering despite his fever. He knew his time and strength were running out.

  The sweater Mac found in Harry’s suitcase would have to do for a coat. He pulled it over his limp injured arm and then around his neck. He finally managed to get in the other armhole and yanked it closed. With only one hand, he was able to close only one of the buttons.

  He rested a few seconds and listened intently. No car yet. He went to the other bed and pulled off the faded wool blankets and wrapped them around himself the best he could with one hand and his mouth to hold the opposite ends.

  Without further attempt at protection against the cold, he moved to the door. Leaning against the doorframe, he looked out as far as the room light allowed him sight. He clutched the blankets in his good hand while his other arm hung uselessly at his side. He panted already from the exertion and he hadn’t begun to walk through the deep snow.

  With a fortifying breath, he bent his head down and started out down the driveway. Mac worked at staying in Harry’s footprints and then in the car’s tire tracks to avoid trudging through the deep snow until he had to.

  He had to get away from the cabin if there was to be any chance he would escape. He thought of Carolyn trying to get through the white stuff. She must have gotten so wet and cold, but he needed to believe she’d made it to safety by now. If Mac could avoid Harry, there was a chance Hines would come and find him–if he lived that long. At best, Carolyn would tell Hines where to find him.

  Mac made it to the road. He leaned against the end fence post by the ditch. Each breath hurt. The whole injured side of his chest felt like it was filled with hot coals.

  The wind swirled and lifted the snow around him, soaking and tugging at the blankets he struggled to keep around him. He chose to go in the same direction as the tire tracks, and pushed off. He tried to walk in the track rather than in the deep snow, but he staggered in zigzag steps and left the track as much as he was in it. Mac didn’t know what lay in either direction, but going the way Harry went probably meant going toward Carolyn. If he did nothing else, Mac had to make sure she was safe. He just hoped Harry didn’t find him first.

  If only he could make it to a farmhouse. There had to be farmhouses in the country near here, didn’t there? He could see no lights. He tried to remember if he’d driven down this road with Carolyn on their drives. Everything looked dark and shadowy at night despite the snow. He couldn’t recognize anything.

  Already his feet hurt so much he could hardly step on them. It was impossible to bend his ankles without pain. He walked with a stiff gait, dragging the blankets he clutched to his chest.

  Funny though, somehow his shoulder didn’t hurt so much anymore. Must be the numbing cold. His head ached less, too. In fact, except for his feet he felt much better. He was just so tired. He needed to rest, but he couldn’t stop now.

  Mac concentrated on taking one step and then another. He knew he hadn’t gone far, but at least he hadn’t stopped. He wanted to turn and see how far he actually had come, but couldn’t afford to waste the effort it would take to twist around. He had to go on.

  Caro. I’m coming. He concentrated on the image of her face. I’m so sorry you had to get mixed up in my rotten life, Caro. You deserve so much more. I’ve got to be sure you’re safe.

  Thinking about how far he had to go took too much energy. Just take another step, Mac. One more step. Then another.

  The blankets were sliding down because his hand was too cold to hold them anymore. He gripped the top in his teeth, but he couldn’t get a breath through his nose. When the need for oxygen was too great to continue biting the blanket, he opened his mouth to inhale deeply and cried out at the pain in his chest. It brought him to a stop.

  When his freezing fingers would no longer bend to grasp the edges, he tried holding the blankets with his arm pressed against his chest. One side of the top blanket fell loose. The wind whipped it around his body like a sail. Soon the weight of the snow pulled it off his other shoulder and it fell to the ground behind him.

  That’s okay, he decided. He didn’t seem to need that blanket anyway. The air didn’t feel as cold as before. One blanket and the sweater would be enough. Even his feet didn’t hurt so much anymore. They must be getting used to the cold. Mac felt encouraged at feeling less pain, but worried that his general weakness would stop his flight.

  Gotta keep going. Gotta be sure Caro is safe. He repeated the phrases to himself over and over.

  Mac’s head was so bowed over his stumbling body that he couldn’t see the headlights making their way up the road toward him. The vehicle came around the curve and headed straight for him. When the light reached him, Mac looked up and stopped. He knew it was too late for him to hide. Barely able to stand buffeted by the wind, he used all his waning strength just to keep from falling.

  He stared at the twin lights as they neared. Reflecting on the snow, they blinded him. He’d been stopped in his tracks like a deer on the highway.

  Mac raised his hand to shield his eyes. The second blanket fell to the ground and he made no effort to retrieve it.

  Funny. How can it be snowing when the sun’s so hot?

  “Caro…” was his last word.

  In his last moments, Mac called out the name of the only woman he’d ever loved. The woman he’d waited a lifetime to find, but he’d found her too late.

  Now…now his strength was gone. He felt no pain as his knees slowly buckled, and his body twisted and collapsed into the soft thick blanket of white.

  Several yards away, a car door opened. A man ran to Mac’s side, a flashlight in his hand.

  Standing over him, the man watched the snowflakes landing on Mac’s chest turned red by his life’s blood running out.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Hines, you can’t be serious.”

  Carolyn could not believe her ears. With her feet curled under her, she sat in her living room, dressed in a heavy sweater over a comfortable cotton-knit turtleneck with wool slacks. Nowadays she always dressed as warmly as she could.

  Winter sunlight streamed in the picture window behind her onto her shoulders, but still she felt chilled. It had been that way since she escaped from the cabin, since the run she’d made trying to save Mac’s life.

  “I’ve been home for just over a week after spending time in the hospital with pneumonia, a broken rib, a sprained wrist, and now you want me to do what?” Carolyn thought she must have heard him wrong.

  Hines set his teacup down and shifted in his chair. He looked decidedly uncomfortable and Carolyn felt he deserved to. “You won’t have to do any of the work. I’ll do it all. You were with him when he bought some of the stuff. I figured you would know where he would want it to be put.”

  He paused and fiddled with a spot more worn than others on the leg of his jeans. She felt some measure of comfort that he didn’t seem to be having an easier time making the request than she was having believing it.

  “I thought it would give you something to do to help get by New Year’s Eve, Carolyn. After being forced to spend December in a hospital bed and recuperating at home, I thought, well…”

  Carolyn was touched by his caring concern for her. “It sure wasn’t my idea of a wonderful month. Thanks for caring.”

  “Just don’t let the word get around that I’m such a softy,” he responded with a quick broad grin. He studied the same worn spot on his leg a moment longer. “I think Mac would have wanted it this way.”

  Carolyn closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. “Please. Don’t,” she managed to whisper. Tears stung her eyes. She clenched her fists and determined not to cry again. She had cried enough already when they told her Mac h
adn’t made it that night. She hadn’t gotten him help in time. When Hines told her that day in the hospital, something inside her had died with him.

  “Oh, Carolyn, I’m sorry. I just wish I could tell you what you need to hear, but I can’t.” Hines stood up and walked to the window at the end of the couch and surveyed her yard covered with a blanket of snow. “Carolyn, Mac and I…well, we were very close. We worked together. I was closer to him than anyone outside his partner who was killed. Mac would understand that what I’m trying to do here is right. Sometimes…well, what we want to do and what we are allowed to do are not the same. Hell, there’s a lot more I wish I could do and say right now.”

  He went to sit at her side and took her trembling hand in his. She stared at the contrast of her pale thin hand against his dark strong one.

  “I know this is very hard for you, Carolyn, but about helping me… Could you just trust me on this? I need you to be at that house tonight. Please. Please, say you’ll come.”

  Carolyn sniffled a little and looked up from his hands to his face. “Let me get this straight. Mac’s furniture for his house came from where it was in storage and the new things we shopped for came too?”

  Hines nodded.

  “And you want me to go over there and help you decide where to put everything to make the place look its best for a sale to benefit the Police Widow’s Fund?”

  “That’s it. You don’t have to do any moving and lifting. I’ll do that. Just tell me where to put it. Won’t you help?”

  “I don’t see why you don’t just return the new things. No one has used them. The store should take them back. The worst they would do is charge a fee for the delivery and pickup.”

  Hines shrugged and looked down at their hands.

  “And on New Year’s Eve, Hines? I’m probably the last person you want to spend New Year’s Eve with.”

  Hines smiled. “Hey, I’d be honored to spend New Year’s Eve with you. So come. You’ve already arranged for Terri to go next door for the night.”

  Carolyn nodded. “It’s the first time she’s been interested in something other than making sure I’m okay. I’ve been worried because she’s been so anxious about my health. I’m glad she wants to play again.”

  “That’s a good sign,” Hines agreed with a warm smile. “And there’s no time like the present to set up Mac’s house.”

  She frowned. “You’re sure it will help?”

  “Cops learn these things, Carolyn. Being there tonight is going to be the best thing you could do. I’m sure.”

  “It took me so many years to get over Richard’s death. Maybe you’re right. Helping with Mac’s things might make it easier–or at least quicker. Right now I don’t think the pain will ever go away.” She sighed. “I have to learn to handle my feelings because I have to go back to work in the store starting next week. I can’t afford to hire help any longer. They can wait on customers but can’t do the sewing.”

  “I’ll build a big fire in the fireplace and we’ll turn the furnace way up so you won’t be cold,” Hines offered.

  Carolyn smiled at him. He understood she was always feeling cold, but did he really know what going into Mac’s house would do to her? Mac had never got the chance to show her the inside. The last time she saw him, he’d been handcuffed to the bed in that dingy cabin. Now she was visited with nightmares about that night as persistently as she found out Mac had been hounded with his nightmare about the night on the dock. The terror came back so real each time it woke her there was no chance of her getting back to sleep.

  “Well, maybe you’re right. This is at least something I can do for Mac. I don’t see how I can fail at arranging furniture like I failed at trying to get him the help he needed.” Her lip started to quiver. This would be her last chance not to let him down.

  “Carolyn?” Hines’ voice brought her out of her reverie. “You didn’t let him down. You did the best anyone could hope for.” He slapped his thigh and rose. “Helping me won’t take long.”

  “It might be good to get out for a while,” Carolyn said, blinking the tears from her eyes. She turned and glanced out the window over her shoulder. “At least it isn’t snowing.”

  Hines held his hand out toward her and helped her up. They put on their coats in the front hall. Hines waited patiently as Carolyn added mittens, a beret, and a long wool scarf she twisted around the collar of her new long coat. She methodically pulled her purse strap on her shoulder and took her key to lock the deadbolt behind them. She shut the new storm door so the latch caught and wouldn’t blow free in the wind.

  As they walked to the car, Carolyn noticed her neighbors the Martins sweeping the light overnight snow from their sidewalk. They waved and were greeted with a wave in return.

  Hines held the door for Carolyn. “You’ve got nice neighbors,” he said and then jogged around the car to get in behind the wheel.

  “They’re the best,” she told him. She waved again as they passed their house. With a sigh she put her head back on the seat as the blocks sped by. She closed her eyes and thought of waking up in the hospital with such pain. It hadn’t been only the pain in her extremities and the pneumonia that had made each breath, each hacking cough hurt. It was that days passed before they would tell her anything about Mac. She’d asked everyone she saw, all strangers except for Terri–and they only allowed her to visit for a few minutes at a time.

  The nurses said there was no one by that name brought into the hospital that night. They couldn’t tell her anything. Or wouldn’t. When Carolyn wasn’t worrying about Mac, she was worrying about Terri. Her daughter moved temporarily to Judy’s house and shared the room with her friend Christie. Carolyn talked often to her by phone to assure her she was all right. She’d hated seeing the fear in Terri’s eyes the first time she came into the hospital room. She saw the creams coating Carolyn’s cold-damaged skin, the tube bringing oxygen into her lungs that struggled with pneumonia, the IV carrying liquids and medications into her arm, not to mention her black eye and bruised cheek from Harry hitting her. Terri had clung to her mother and cried.

  Carolyn spent weeks reassuring Terri she would be fine again, that she wasn’t going to die like Terri’s father had before she’d even had the chance to know him. She couldn’t guess how long it would take for Terri’s fear of losing both parents to dissolve away.

  All during the early weeks of her hospital stay, Carolyn could find no rest awake or asleep. The nightmare of what happened haunted her in both states of consciousness. Ultimately, only a drugged sleep allowed her escape from it.

  She was at the point of feeling a bit stronger when finally Hines came to see her. She knew the moment he came in the door he had news of Mac and it was not good. She lay there mute while he told her what happened that night. She remembered he’d fiddled with his cap and didn’t look at her. She was thankful the news came from him and not from a stranger.

  “We saw Mac collapse on the snow. We carried him into the car behind the plow and wrapped him up the best we could as we drove him to the hospital.”

  Hines had rubbed the back of his neck and glanced out the hospital window before he continued. “As soon as the snow lessened, Mac was airlifted to a Syracuse trauma center. But he’d lost so much blood, and there was the raging infection. I guess it was a lethal combination because Mac didn’t make it.”

  Carolyn had fallen back onto her pillow. Tears flooded her eyes at that moment and for days afterward.

  “He gave his all to get you out to safety because that’s what he wanted most, Carolyn. He wanted you safe, no matter what. No other woman ever meant as much to him as you do. Did. God, you can’t know how sorry I am for having to say all this. Someday it will all make sense,” Hines had said. “I’m so sorry.”

  Since that horrendous day in the hospital, Carolyn had come to realize Mac had been one of the most important threads making up the fabric of her life. The thread had been short, but it created a beautiful pattern in the weave of beautiful, deep, and p
ure colors that she would treasure memories of always.

  Carolyn felt the car turn a sharp corner and go down an incline. Struggling out of her reverie, she retrieved a tissue from her purse and wiped her wet cheeks. She wasn’t about to fall apart in front of Hines again the way she had in the hospital that day. She would show him she was strong enough to do this for Mac. To carry out his wishes that the Police Widow’s Fund benefit from the sale.

  Hines turned the car into the gravel parking area behind Mac’s lake house. “Carolyn. We’re here.”

  “Yes,” she whispered.

  With the leaves gone from the trees, Carolyn could see the lake. It was a truly beautiful scene and somehow calming to her psyche instead of upsetting as she thought it might be. She had her seatbelt off and her purse in hand by the time Hines opened the door and offered his hand to help her out. She smiled. She wondered if his mother had taught him to do that for women the same way Mac’s had.

  Carolyn looked all around. “This is such a peaceful place–despite the violence that took place here, I mean. I can see why Mac loved it so.”

  Hines slammed the car door. When he took her arm to usher her inside, she thought for a moment there was a look of anger on his face.

  “Hines, is something wrong?”

  He shook his head. “A lot has happened and, well, some of it I just can’t talk about yet. Please, just trust me that being here now is the right thing for you.” He helped her off with her coat.

  “Just seeing the lake has made me feel better.” She smiled. When she looked up at him, she frowned. “But now you don’t look happy.”

  “Sometimes police work means that I have to do things I really don’t like having to do. I–” Hines looked out the broad expanse of windows overlooking the lake as if looking for the right words to say what he meant.