Just a Memory

by Lois Carroll

  Carolyn didn’t give him time. She put her hand on his strong arm. “But you were right, Hines. I never would have forgiven myself if I’d missed one last chance to see this place. When I think about Mac, I want to picture him in this house that he loved so much. Now I can.”

  Hines smiled. “Thanks,” he mumbled as he went to hang up their coats. “Go ahead and look around.”

  She looked in every direction. “Hines, everything is already in place. In fact it looks like there was no reason for my being here at all. You’ve got everything done.”

  “I’ve been out here all morning, trying to straighten things out. I said this wouldn’t take long. I didn’t have time to do any dusting, but it doesn’t look too bad, do you think?”

  Carolyn walked around the kitchen, marveling at all the new appliances. It was a dream kitchen straight out of a magazine. “It looks spotless in here.”

  She walked into the expansive great room and went straight past the massive fireplace to the glass sliding doors, which lined the lake side. She thought at once she could never get enough of that spectacular view if she saw it every day for the rest of her life.

  After a few moments she turned and surveyed the room. “It’s a wonderful room.”

  Hines toed smooth a streak of crushed pile in the carpeting that moving the furniture had left. “I wanted to vacuum some, but I didn’t have time. If you think this room’s okay, let’s look at the rest.”

  They had just started toward the hall when the beeper Hines wore on his belt sounded. Carolyn thought about the evening Mac’s had beeped in her bedroom after they made love. How thankful she was now that she’d had that night to share with Mac. She would have missed feeling so utterly feminine and so uncontrollably caught up in the maelstrom of their lovemaking. She would cherish that the rest of her life.

  “Wouldn’t you know it, just when I start something this thing goes off. I have to call in. I’ll use the kitchen phone. You go ahead on your tour and I’ll join you in a minute.”

  Carolyn strolled down the hall leading to the other end of the house. On her way she walked by the arch leading into the dining room. She stopped to look in, but could not bear to go near the door where she knew Mac had been shot. She blinked her eyes rapidly to stop the threatening tears and walked on down the hall.

  Next was the guest bedroom with Mac’s old bed and matching dresser he’d had in his apartment. The sliding doors to the deck were void of drapes, and she was rewarded with another view of the lake through the trees. She glanced into the guest bath and laundry room across the hall.

  Carolyn continued, but her steps slowed as she walked into the room Mac had designated as his den. A massive desk sat by the window at an angle so whoever sat there could see the view whenever he wanted to look up. The walls were lined with bookcases and on the floor in front of those was a line of boxes labeled BOOKS in Mac’s bold printing. He’d said he filled a lot of hours by reading.

  When she stepped into the room at the end of the hall, Carolyn couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks. Her feet sank into carpeting so thick she was sure it would be comfortable to nap on the floor. The furniture they had bought together filled the room, which extended all the way across the end of the house.

  The deck stretching the length of the house wrapped around this end. She could see a small wrought iron table and chairs where she pictured Mac sitting with his long legs stretched out as he enjoyed his morning coffee. Seated next to him at the table…

  “Oh, here you are.” Hines stepped into the room behind her. He waved a hand toward the bed. “I even made the bed ‘cuz I…I thought it made the room look more… Hell, I don’t know.” He ran his hand over his hair, which she noticed was a little longer than it had been a month ago.

  She turned away from him and wiped her cheeks with her fingers. “That was thoughtful of you, Hines. I really don’t know why you got me out here today. Other than a little dusting and vacuuming, I’d say it’s all ready for the sale.”

  “Listen, I’m sorry. I… Oh, hell. That was the station. There’s been an accident at the interchange east of town. Will you be all right alone here for a while? I really don’t have time to take you all the way home. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

  “I’ll be fine,” she said, blinking rapidly and trying to win the battle against her tears. “Don’t worry about me. Really.”

  “Good. Ah, since I’ve been working out here, I’ve got some food in the fridge. Hard to tell how long I’ll be. Help yourself. You don’t have to do anything. Just relax and enjoy the view. I’ll be back before you know it.”

  They walked back to the kitchen. When he reached the door, he turned back to her. “Trust me, Carolyn. After this is over, please remember I had to do it this way.” Then he left in a rush before she could ask what he meant. She walked to the kitchen door he’d just exited and turned the deadbolt. She doubted if the events of the last month would ever allow her to be home alone in a house that wasn’t locked.

  Home alone.

  For an instant she had thought of this house as her home. Hers and Mac’s. If only…

  “No, Carolyn, you’re not starting that again!” she ordered herself aloud.

  She inhaled deeply and glanced around. She wasn’t hungry yet, but when she spotted the box of tea bags, she prepared and drank a mug of hot tea just to have something to do. Hines still hadn’t come back when she finished drinking it so she headed for the vacuum cleaner she’d noticed in the laundry room. Soon she had all the carpeting evenly striped with vacuum-brushed strokes.

  Hines still had not come.

  The work had built up her appetite, so she helped herself to a cheese on rye bread sandwich and another mug of hot tea. As she ate she enjoyed the scene that wrapped around her.

  With the winter days now so short, it was soon dark outside but the stars were out to greet her. She could see the rising moon reflected on the lake. Each rippling wave was frosted with a strip of moonlight.

  Carolyn jumped at the sound of the phone. She ran to answer the one she knew was in the kitchen. “Hello?”

  “Carolyn, it’s me, Hines. Listen, there’s no way I can get back out there to take you home tonight. People are bent on doing damage to themselves and to others on the highway already and the New Year’s Eve is young. Will you be okay?”

  “Do you mean I have to stay here all night?”

  “Yeah, unless you’re really set against it. I guess I could shake somebody loose to come get you in a police car and take you home. I don’t know when they would get there though.” He said it so hesitatingly that Carolyn could tell he didn’t want to spare the personnel to drive her.

  “No, Hines. I’ll be fine. Really, it’s okay. I could always get a friend to pick me up, but I think I’d like the chance to stay here longer.”

  “Great. There’s some new toothbrushes and toothpaste in the guest bathroom. Mac, ah, Mac bought them the night we took his stuff out there together. He was saying he knew I’d be out there bugging him often enough. If I decided to stay over, I’d need them. You’re welcome to them. Don’t count on my getting out there for you too early in the morning. I’m sure I’ll be up working half the night tonight.”

  “Okay. I sure hope the evening improves or at least doesn’t get worse. I’ll see you tomorrow morning then.”

  “Ah…yeah. See you tomorrow. And Carolyn? It’ll all work out. You’ll see.”

  “Thanks, Hines.” Carolyn began to lower the phone to the cradle. “Oh, Hines?” she said raising it again to her ear, but he’d already disconnected the call. Carolyn had wanted to ask him if she could call Terri to let her know where she would be. There would be no reason why she couldn’t call, she decided.

  Once Terri understood where Carolyn was going to be spending the night and felt okay about her not being right next door, she told her mom about the movie they had rented to watch.

  “You have fun and don’t eat too much just before bedtime,” Carolyn told h
er.

  “Christie’s mom is making popcorn.”

  “Well, have fun and I’ll see you in the morning. Mr. Hines said he couldn’t get here early to pick me up so I may not be home until nearly lunchtime. I don’t want you to worry though.”

  “It’s okay, Mom. I won’t,” Terri assured her. “Mom?”

  “Yes, dear?”

  “Happy New Year, Mom,” Terri said with a giggle.

  “Thanks, sweetie. You too,” Carolyn responded.

  Carolyn hung up the phone and hugged herself. She wished she could bounce back from the emotional devastation as quickly as her child had. Instead, Carolyn had never felt so alone in her life.

  Needing to shake loose from the feeling, she thought another cup of tea might help. While waiting for the tea to steep, she washed and put away the few utensils she’d used and wiped down the whole kitchen counter.

  That gave her the idea to seek out dust cloths and was soon going through the whole house making it dust free. By the time she came back to the kitchen, her ignored tea was cold and as dark as coffee.

  After stretching muscles used for the first time since her escape from the cabin, she realized she was actually tired, and not from depression or grief–from work. It was a good feeling, she decided.

  She walked down the hall, turning out all the lights as she went. She paused at the guest room, but knew she couldn’t sleep there because there were no sheets or any blankets there for the bed. She retrieved a toothbrush and a miniature tube of toothpaste from the guest bath vanity drawer.

  She entered the master bedroom. The bed looked inviting and she was tired. In the bathroom she gave in to the temptation of a hot bath. Sinking into the warmth of the water, Carolyn leaned back and soaked until she felt in a deliciously sleepy state. After toweling, she put on the terrycloth robe she found on the back of the door. She would sleep in that.

  Her breath caught as she inhaled the scent she knew to be Mac’s. She thought of the warmth it now provided her and wished…

  Tears stung her eyes again. “Enough, Carolyn!” she commanded herself.

  Curled up in bed, she listened to the quiet. Not even the lake moved enough to make noise tonight.

  Thinking of the close loving moments she and Mac had had together, the fun they had shared so freely, she pulled the blanket over her shoulder and closed her eyes.

  Inhaling his lingering scent from the bathrobe and deeply thankful for the time they’d had together, she fell sound asleep.

  “I’m going to shoot him. I know he’s already been shot, several times, in fact, but I’m going to shoot him again.”

  The floor nurse’s face was red, contrasting greatly with her crisp white uniform. She clutched the corner of the high counter at the end of the hospital wing and breathed deeply.

  “Who?” the other nurse at the desk asked without looking up from the charts she was busy updating.

  “As if you had to ask. That guy in 604. The mystery man with the cop sitting outside his door,” she said, hitching her thumb over her shoulder in the direction of Mac’s room.

  He was making the nurses’ collective lives miserable. He wouldn’t take any medication unless he knew what it was, and when he learned which ones were keeping him drowsy, he refused to take them even though it meant feeling more pain. As soon as he started feeling better, he wouldn’t stay in bed. That was when the nurses lost all hope of keeping him manageable.

  “Give me the good old days when he was unconscious and we could actually get our work done,” the floor nurse said.

  During those early days of his hospital stay, Mac had been unconscious while his body fought the raging infection in his wounds, the loss of blood, the dehydration, and mild concussion. In his extremely weakened condition at the cabin, he’d wrung out the last bit of his energy to escape the loosened handcuff and run before Harry got back.

  From the moment he saw the blinding headlights, he was thrown into a black abyss. Flown to a trauma center, expert surgeons spliced his shoulder back together a second time, repaired the torn muscles and ligaments, and sewed up the holes in his arm. Antibiotics, fluids, and nourishment flowed into his veins through tubes from the clear bags hanging over his hospital bed. Oxygen rich air blew into his lungs through tubes leading into his nostrils. Beeping machines monitored his heart, blood pressure, and lungs.

  The morning Mac’s eyes opened, he realized the blinding headlight that was the last thing he remembered hadn’t been Harry’s. By the time he knew he was going to recover, the only other news he wanted to hear was about Carolyn. How was she? Where was she? And when could he see her?

  He just got blank stares from the nurses and statements like, “I don’t know anyone by that name. There was no one by that name with you when they brought you in.”

  When he wouldn’t put up with that line any more, they changed their answers to little pep talks. “There’ll be plenty of time for talking about that later.”

  Mac wanted to know now. Right now. When he tried to get up to find a phone to call Carolyn, the nurses doubled the amount of tape holding his arm immobile against his side and injected him with something that put him to sleep for hours more.

  “I’ve got to find out about Carolyn!” Mac shouted. No one was there to hear. The nurses only came in now when they absolutely had to. There was nothing he could do and Mac hated being in that position.

  Finally resigned to the fact he had to get well and get out of there to discover how Carolyn was first hand, he slept the next few days away. Sleep was a great healer; however every time he woke, he got even more frustrated.

  All the while, from the first day he could talk about what happened, the investigative system in the state swung into full-function mode. A new series of visitors came to see him each day, all strangers. FBI agents, cops and attorneys came with thousands of questions to ask him.

  The investigators who interviewed him first told him he couldn’t have any visitors because his location was secret for the sake of security. He couldn’t call anyone for the same reason. Mac didn’t like the idea but at least now he understood. Far be it from him not to want to be safe, at least until he was strong and well again.

  But Carolyn? He asked each one how she was. Finally someone reluctantly said she was going to be fine. He didn’t know the details, but Mac should not worry. Mac didn’t know the guy who told him and couldn’t decide if he was telling the truth about her or not. The guy wouldn’t say any more.

  “No one may know where you are, Mac,” the guy said. “You stay put and concentrate on getting better. Until you’re well enough to move to a safe place during the trials, you’ll stay here where the doctors can keep an eye on you.”

  Mac knew the system. He knew that safe place didn’t include Carolyn or Hines being anywhere near him, or anyone else who could be traced to Mac’s location. They couldn’t see him, but Mac wasn’t left with no one to talk to–as long as he talked about who killed his partner and what happened in the cabin after he woke up.

  At first it was all a part of building the case against Brown Eyes Morris. The FBI was in on it because what Mac knew was just one piece of a big rotten cake. There was a lot more to the case than the one incident with Morris.

  The interviews in the hospital room went on and on through December while Mac’s rebuilt shoulder blade mended to the extent that he could move his arm and begin to rebuild the muscles there. He had a regimen of exercises from his physical therapist that would gradually increase the mobility of the joint.

  His body was stiff and weak from spending so much time in bed. He had lost weight, much of it muscle, but he never lost his desire to get out and see Carolyn.

  Damn, he would be glad when he was well enough to leave the hospital, but he would still cooperate with the investigation all the way. It would certainly mean more than one trial. No matter what happened, he hadn’t lost the personal dedication and resolve he’d always had.

  Mac would show everyone his dad was right: One per
son can make a difference.

  When this was over, he could go home. The thought of his home on the lake made him feel warm. After all that had happened, his existence could be different from before. He didn’t merely accept the possibility of change–he welcomed it.

  Carolyn had saved his life twice, once by running for help after he was shot, and earlier just by being there, by being a part of his life. Now he just wanted to be close to her again…real close.

  Mac’s hospital room door opened without a knock and Hines walked in. “God, it’s about time!” Surprised and pleased to see his friend for the first time since he’d been shot, Mac’s grin felt like it was ear to ear. “Where have you been? What the hell is going on? When can I get out? What’s happened to Carolyn? Is she all right?” Mac flooded him with questions before Hines could say a word.

  “I haven’t seen you since you were shot and this is the kind of greeting I get?” Hines asked when he finally got a word in. “I pull the man’s butt out of the snow and he yells at me? I take excellent care of his job while he’s vacationing in this resort with all those cute women in white to tend to him and he isn’t even interested in knowing how I’m doing?”

  “And a hearty Happy New Year to you!” Mac grumbled amiably.

  “You too, man.” Hines laughed easily while he pulled the room’s only small chair closer to Mac’s bed and reversed its direction. “So how have you been? Did you miss me?” He tossed a brown paper bag he was carrying onto the foot of the bed and plopped down, leaning both his arms on the back of the chair. “God, it’s good to see you put back into one piece, man. You had me worried there for a minute or two.”

  “Okay, okay. I get it. Hello, Hines. It’s good to see you too. Thank you for coming. I’d shake your hand but my shoulder would hurt like hell. What’s with the small talk? You wearing a wire put on you by the etiquette police?” Mac paused to glare at Hines.

  “Hell, I tell the man he looks good when the last time I saw him I thought he looked dead, and the man gets upset. Mm-mmm! The things I put up with being friends with you,” Hines joked.