Eating Cupcakes in a Cemetery
Page 18
“We’re rich!”
“And we still haven’t opened the mail!”
Belinda frowned. “Tampering with the US mail is a serious crime; I don’t think we want to do that.”
“But we’re going to take this money aren’t we?”
“You bet. But I think we should leave the gun behind.”
The twins hauled the duffle bags back to Bev’s car, then climbed back through to leave the gun.
“Where should we put it?” Bev zipped around as she named each location. “On the table? Or on a chair or maybe on the mail bags? What would look good?”
“Bev, I don’t think there is a feng shui that involves the placement of guns. Just wipe off your prints and leave it on the mail bags.”
Again, they waited at the gate in hopes that a vehicle would arrive.
***
Don ‘the Bomb’ Baum decided to take matters into his own hands. When he heard Helen had been arrested for pulling a gun on an FBI agent, he knew he had to get to Eureka and find that card-counter himself.
Plus, he had some bags of cash to pick up. With Serafino dead, Carmen was supposed to stay in touch, but he hadn’t heard from her. It worried him, so Saturday afternoon he drove the six hours non-stop from Reno Nevada to Eureka California.
He pulled up to A-1 Storage and drove in just as a little red Tercel scooted out beside him.
“If they scratched my truck, I’m going to kill them,” he said. He forgot all about his truck after he opened unit number thirty-four.
It was empty. He saw that the large cabinet was unlocked. This had never happened in the two months or, so this operation had been running. Don crossed over and saw the set-up. Then he saw the gun on the mailbags and picked it up.
“A good piece and only one round gone,” he said as he put it in his pocket. He opened each mail bag and grinned when he saw the contents.
“Well Carmen, you snooze you lose!” he said as he started separating the checks and the cash into two piles. Don knew enough not to cash checks! He was Don the Bomb!
“May as well make a night of it,” he said and dumped the mail on the table. He started opening envelopes. As more and more cash piled up he grinned wider and wider.
“Way to go Don!” he said.
***
“Is this the Bacchus Drug and Alcohol Don’t give a Care Centre?”
“No. Definitely not. This is the Harmonious Residential Drug and Alcohol Treatment Centre.”
Bev turned to Belinda. “I found it. Told you.” She talked into the phone again.
“So what’s the set-up? I know you guys are that big house at the end of Wayfare. Do you have a Director or what?”
“Ma’am, all inquiries can be answered on our website at…”
“Well, I guess my question is, does the Director have to be sober? See, I’d like to run one of these places with my sister, after she gets her taxi license. Right now she can’t get it, because it’s her week to be drunk.”
“Could you hold please.”
Bev nudged Belinda who was writing a list.
“Getting transferred to the big boss; they’ll give me the scoop.”
“Hello, who is this please?” a new female voice asked.
“Well, I might be your competition soon, so I don’t want to say. But I would like to know if I have to be sober in order to run a place like yours.”
“This is a joke, right? Is this Monica?”
Bev shrugged. “You got me. So the women who come to your place, how many stay off the sauce after they graduate?”
“Very funny Monica. You know as well as I do that there’s the actual percentage and then there’s the inflated number we report for our funding. On another matter, are you coming to the Barbeque on Friday?”
“It’s been cancelled, didn’t you hear?”
“No!”
“Yah, it’s been changed to a costume party. Everyone supposed to dress like a bag lady or man complete with a bottle of booze in a brown paper bag and pretend they’re pissed to the gills.”
There was silence on the other end of the phone. Bev held her breath. The woman came back on the line.
“Sorry, had to make a note on my diary. You know, I could probably get an old shopping cart and fill it with crap to really sell the outfit!”
“Awesome possum. See you then.”
Bev hung up and looked at Belinda and grinned. “She is so getting fired.”
“As well she should. Look my list is done.”
Bev took the list and started to read. As she read she nodded.
“Only one concern,” Bev said after she finished reading. “You’ve got ‘purchase a square-nosed shovel for digging’. Don’t you think it should be a round-nosed shovel?”
Belinda looked at her sister. They both burst out laughing.
Gary came out from the kitchen wearing an apron covered in splashes of cake batter.
“What’s the joke? What did I miss?”
“Oh, I was just telling Bell about an invention.”
Belinda turned to Gary. “Did you know, the invention of the shovel was just ground-breaking?”
Gary nodded. “I can dig it,” he said and went back to the kitchen.
Bev smiled. “He can cook and tell jokes. We should keep him.”
Belinda frowned. “I just hope we don’t have an awkward moment.”
“You mean when we start digging to bury the body and we find another body?”
The twins started laughing again. This time, they didn’t share the joke with Gary.
***
Approximately one month later…
Angel, the peach-faced love bird loved her new digs and her new boyfriend. The cage they shared always had fresh seeds and water, plus the humans gave them the newspaper to read from whatever town they were in.
Angel would read the paper thoroughly and then chitter away happily as she decorated their home with strips of paper. She had tried to weave some into her boyfriends’ tail, but he was having none of it. Men.
She was currently reading the headline from the Eureka Times.
Don ‘the bomb’ Baum arrested for the murder of Serafino Napoleone!
Angel scratched the article closer.
“In a midnight raid, Don Baum was captured late Friday with not only the gun that killed Napoleone, but hundreds of thousands of dollars of cash.
FBI newly appointed Deputy Director, Jakob Kim, offered the following comment: “This was part of an on-going mail fraud investigation that has spanned nearly all the states. The FBI, with cooperation from our Reno field office, had Mr. Baum under surveillance for some weeks. Also arrested were a local loan shark and the CEO of Mansion Decorating Discounts department store chain.”
When asked about the injuries of one of their agents, Jakob Kim gave a very succinct answer. “Mr. Jamal Osman shot himself in the foot. That is all I have to say on the matter.”
The little green bird tore off the front page and began reading other articles.
“News from India: Mr. and Mrs. Darvesh Sean Johnson Singh were married last week in a lavish ceremony attended by upwards of 2500 guests! The Bride was stunning in traditional Indian garb and arrived in a beautiful pink chariot while the Groom arrived on the back of an elephant! It was resplendent in every detail and this writer was present to witness it all!
“It was a mix of traditional and non-traditional vows; however a quirky greeting was added. Each of the Groom’s many cousins all walked up to the Bride and stated, “You do not have the face of a goat.” One can only hope for an explanation when the happy couple returns to Eureka and opens their restaurant called ‘From Grandmother’s Kitchen’.”
The little lovebird turned her head sideways and back again. She wondered why the bride did not want the face of a goat; goats were very nice to look at and so pleasant to talk to. Angel read on:
“Local man still missing. One Melvin Bentz has been missing for nearly four weeks with no new leads. His bank account shows that
shortly after a large deposit was made, Mr. Bentz emptied his account and purchased a one-way ticket to Morocco.
His wife insists that he did no such thing, repeatedly stating, “I spend all his d**n money as soon as he gets it. There is no way in h**l that he had money I didn’t know about.”
Mr. Bentz has two stepdaughters, but the only comment this reporter was able to obtain was, “I’m sorry, we didn’t order any pizza.”
Also on the second page of the Eureka News was a retraction.
“Last month we erroneously reported that the local cemetery had been vandalized and desecrated. Upon further investigation, the police determined it was simply a case of someone eating cupcakes in a cemetery.”
About the Author
Shelley enjoys telling stories; it quite likely has a lot to do with the squirrels in her brain that are constantly running towards shiny things or prying away at hidden things to bring them to the light.
She often finds herself asking the question what if? What if I could invent a villain so compelling, that the reader almost, almost sympathizes with her? with him? What if I don't limit myself to one genre, but go ahead and tell the stories kicking around in my brain? In my heart?
Shelley has really enjoyed some of her varied careers-loans officer, autobody repair, coffee pourer, tree chopper, nurse. However, some of her careers have been less than stellar- night donut decorator, campground cleaner upper; but even during these, she loved listening to people talk about their lives. Shelley then lets all these experiences percolate and distill into the unique characters in her books.
She lives in a little trailer near a lake and finds inspiration in the compassion of others.
If you enjoyed this book, please write a review and tell your friends and look for other books by Shelley Dawn Siddall including a cozy mystery book called “Gore in the Garden”-a collection of cozies. If you like absurd poetry, look for her series “Chickens in Sweaters and other epic poems.”
Thank you for reading!
shelleysiddallauthor@outlook.com