Us: A If I Break (Her) Story

by Portia Moore

  It took over a year for me to come to terms with Alana being gone, that I’d never see her again, that I maybe never had her to begin with. And then Megan showed up. I took it as a sign even though I wasn’t a hundred percent sure that she was Alana, thinking it could be her sister or some doppelganger relative. But even if it wasn’t her I thought the universe was telling me to find her, linking her to me in some sort of way, bringing soul mates together. I held on to that even when I found out about the disorder, even knowing that Alana lied to me and chose not to trust me with the truth, even after I realized that she—or Megan—loved another dude, and when she dropped the bomb that she was going to marry him. Through all of that shit I had hope that everything would work out. I could get past all of it and fight, or even wait for her. There was nothing that anyone could say—not Blue, not Lauren or Cal, or even fucking Megan—that was going to make me give up.

  That’s what I thought until she told me she’s having a baby and it isn’t mine. Everything that happened before that, between all three of us, hadn’t broken me until she said those words. The sickest thing is that when she told me she was pregnant, it didn’t cross my fucking mind that it wasn’t mine. Isn’t that sick? For a split second I was the happiest man on the whole fucking planet, because for a moment I forgot she was Megan. I forgot that I was sitting in a fucking decoy house guarded by her asshole brothers, sitting across from a girl who had been practically living with and fucking another man.

  Now I’m not angry or sad. I’m past all that.

  I feel numb.

  I don’t feel alive.

  I don’t feel here.

  I’ve wished what has happened was a nightmare, that it’s not real. I wish Megan didn’t show up on my doorstep because I would have been able to survive then, I would have been able to move on…maybe not be happy, but I feel I wouldn’t be this, like a zombie.

  I hear a knock on my door and I don’t answer. I don’t even know what day it is, and the crazy thing is I’m sober. I can’t bring myself to drink because I know it won’t fix anything. It won’t make me feel better even for a microsecond. I’ll still be like I am: lost, confused, in disbelief.

  Blue left saying he’d be back later this afternoon but I don’t care either way. Whether he is or not doesn’t make a difference. If I’m here or at a bar or a restaurant, inside or out, none of it matters because at this point life isn’t important. It’s just something to get through. A minute, an hour, a day, and whatever comes next. The knocking continues and I turn the TV up to drown it out until I hear a familiar voice. It’s feminine and sounds urgent. It’s not the voice, the one that would probably save me or kill me.

  “I think you have the wrong place,” I say through the door.

  “Ian, it’s me. Lauren.”

  What the hell is she doing here? Fuck, I can’t leave a pregnant lady outside.

  “Hi,” she says, reserved.

  “What are you doing here?” She’s huge, bigger than the last time I saw her. When I realize she’s climbed a flight of steps to reach my door I feel a flicker of guilt.

  “Do you need some water or something?” I ask, opening the door for her to come in.

  “That’d be nice,” she says, wobbling past me. I close the door behind her and head to the fridge to get a bottle of water out. There’s only one left and seeing the fridge I realize I only have a half a pack of roasted chicken meat and a bottle of whiskey. I take the bottle of water and hand it to her, watching her take in the apartment. At least it’s clean-ish.

  “Thank you,” she says, and she edges herself back to sit on the couch. I offer her my arm so she doesn’t bounce.

  “Does Cal know you’re here?” I ask dryly, folding my arms. I have a feeling if he knew she was he’d come and try to kick my ass. Hell, right now I just might let him.

  “No,” she answers quickly, a look of guilt passing through her expression.

  “I wanted to see how you were doing. You weren’t answering my or Hillary’s calls,” she says apprehensively. My eyes drift down to her belly and I feel a wave a sadness threatening to take over me, but I shake it. The numbness is what I want to keep.

  “I wanted to be left alone,” I say matter-of-factly. She nods.

  “I heard about what happened,” she mutters. I don’t flinch. I don’t even know if I blink.

  “I don’t need you to come here and feel sorry for me. I’ll have everything ready for the showcase in time. I promise,” I tell her, and she frowns slightly.

  “I’m not worried about the showcase. That can be postponed…I-I’m worried about you,” she says hesitantly. I arch a brow at her. Lauren and I have been cordial. She’s been nice to me and almost gets it. She’s walked down a similar road that I can’t get off of even though the person who put me on it hitched a ride out of town. But we’re not friends, not the kind of close for her to come here alone, find parking or get dropped off while super pregnant with twins, and climb a flight of stairs.

  “You don’t need to worry about me. I’m okay, and you need to focus on the…” I can’t even say the word babies. I just nod to her stomach, which she instinctively places a hand on. She can’t hide her smile but sweeps it away quickly, turning her attention back to me. She sucks in a deep breath and lets it out, her eyes avoiding mine now.

  “Cal left me when we were married. We hadn’t even made it to our third anniversary,” she says quietly. I swallow a lump in my throat I didn’t know was there.

  Lauren had hinted that she has been through a lot with Cal, but she never said to what extent, just that she understood what I was going through. But I can’t imagine she understands what I’ve been going through. She’s married and even though her husband’s a jerk, she seems happy. She has a family with Cal and a successful business. Yeah, he’s a prick, but at dinner the way he looked at her, the conversations they had where they didn’t even have to speak…I’d give anything for me and Alana to have that. I judged her happy ending and thought she was full of shit about understanding where I was when mine was nowhere in sight. But seeing her here, without the house, the husband, and the kids, I see something that maybe she’s hidden or tried to forget about, the pain and hurt she’s had, and it makes me sit down to listen.

  “It was right before I found out I was pregnant with Caylen,” she says, letting out a sigh and drinking some of her water.

  “How long was he gone?” I ask, clearing my throat.

  “Almost two years,” she says tightly. My stomach flips.

  Shit.

  She bites her lower lip, her eyes downcast, like the memory still knocks the shit out of her. I feel even more shitty for judging her now.

  “When he left me…” I notice her eyes glistening and I’m horrified, feeling my throat start to tighten up. I remind myself that I’m numb. That I don’t feel shit anymore, but the way my heart is pounding now it’s beginning to contradict that belief.

  “If I didn’t have Caylen I’m not sure how I would have gotten over it. I used her to push me to get past the pain, to not let it destroy me,” she continues, wiping a tear that hasn’t fallen from her eye.

  “Then…I found him. But it wasn’t him, it was Chris. And he wasn’t alone. He was engaged, apparently in love, and had no clue who I or Cal was,” she says, laughing though mirthless.

  “Losing him the first time was the hardest thing I ever experienced. However, when I found out about Chris—his disorder, him being engaged…that almost broke me.” Her gaze is distant as if she’s reliving the entire thing. She breaks away and strokes her belly, peering over at me.

  “So, trust me. If anyone in the world knows what you’re going through right now, it’s me. I know it’s the worst feeling in the entire world. It’s a mourning almost for someone who isn’t dead, which makes it worse because it’s nearly impossible to let them go.” I nod, feeling overwhelmed with relief that someone gets it, because what she’s just said is exactly how I feel.

  There’s a stretch of silence and
I feel emotion well up in me. I try to force it back down but a tear still finds a way to my eye.

  “I-I don’t know where to go from here. I’m lost,” I tell her honestly, rubbing the back of my neck until it’s sore.

  “Before I felt like there was still a chance, that I could fight for her, but now…now there’s nothing I can do. She’s having this guy’s kid. How do I compete with that? I shouldn’t even want to compete with that but after everything, what makes me the angriest is that I still want her. It’s fucking disgusting and I hate myself for it.” The words are spilling out now.

  “I can’t see past any of this. Knowing she’s up the fucking street might as well be less than a few miles away, and I can’t get to her. For Megan to sit in front of me and break my heart like that…and I can’t blame her, I can’t hate her, because she didn’t make those promises. But Alana’s not here!” I’m yelling now and tears are coming out of my eyes but Lauren doesn’t look uncomfortable or intimidated by it.

  “You can! You have every right to feel how you feel. You have to allow yourself to feel. It doesn’t matter if you’re angry at Megan or Alana; let it out.” Now she’s at my side and her arms are soon wrapped around me. I start crying like a fucking baby.

  “You’re going to get past this,” she says, coddling me like I’m a child.

  “Why didn’t she choose me?” My voice cracks. My shoulder is wet with Lauren’s tears. I try to pull myself together but she doesn’t rush me, she just lets me get it all out. I’m not sure how long we’ve been like this but she holds me until I’m all dried out, and when we release our embrace I see her face is red, blotchy, and tear-stained.

  “This is fucked up. I shouldn’t have you like this,” I tell her, pushing out a much needed breath.

  “It’s okay,” she says with a warm smile, wiping her own eyes. “I needed this too.” She pats my hand.

  “Ugh I’ve got you all wet.” She wipes the remaining tears from her eyes with her sleeve.

  “I think I have some Kleenex in my room,” I tell her, getting up to go get some. I scan the room for the box.

  “Uhm Ian?” I hear her call. I grab them and head back out to her.

  “You’re going to need more than Kleenex. My water just broke.”

  11

  Megan

  I’ve never seen a man happier than Kam when I told him about our baby.

  Our son.

  I just have this feeling that it’s a boy. He was ecstatic, beaming happier than I ever imagined him being. I knew he would be ecstatic. From the first day I met Kam I knew he was a family man, and after a few dates he always talked to me about wanting kids. Two boys and a girl, and if he could choose the boys would be first so they could protect their sister. I had started birth control once Kam and I moved in with each other because I knew slip-ups would happen but once I discovered everything about Ian and Alana, using it was the furthest thing from my mind. A small part of me didn’t think I’d be able to have kids. I don’t know why but I thought it would be difficult with how everything else has been in my life, that it would take more than a few months. But obviously that wasn’t the case, and now I’m here. Something that would have terrified me before is what’s saving me, tying me to a man who I’ll spend the rest of my life with.

  Today is the first day we’re seeing Dr. Lyce as a couple since the accident, and I’m nervous. Dr. Lyce had sort of advised us against making big decisions like these or doing things that would be stressful or jarring, but being engaged is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Besides, I’m already pregnant. Naturally, this is what comes next. It’s the one thing that’s made me feel safe after everything that’s happened. This decision is one that I’ve got to make on my own—what’s best for me and my growing family.

  Kam and I are sitting in her office already since her assistant let us in. Kam smiles at me encouragingly before kissing my hand and I give him a bright smile back, not being able to help beaming at the site of my ring. It’s a gorgeous princess cut, huge but not gaudy, and my favorite color pink. It’s the most perfect ring I’ve ever seen; he couldn’t have done a better job choosing something that I’d wanted.

  I am going to be Ms. Kam Davidson, little ole me, imperfectly flawed but loved more than anything by this perfect man, and about to have his child.

  “How is Bryan?” he asks with a playful smile. I chuckle.

  “Bryan?” I say teasingly, raising my brow.

  “Or Clint…I like Clint,” he says, grinning. I can’t help but lean over and kiss him.

  “Good morning you two,” Dr. Lyce announces happily as she comes in and takes her seat. Kam and I say good morning in unison.

  “You both look well.”

  “We are well. More well than we could ever be,” Kam pronounces happily. As she sits, he presents my hand to her, showing off my engagement ring. I flush though can’t help but fight my smile as well. I notice her smile becomes a little more reserved, tighter, and slight lines in her forehead appear. I squeeze Kam’s hand for support which he does back. He sits up straighter in his chair and a determined look settles on his face. I’m glad that my first session with her since everything has happened includes him.

  “I know that you said you didn’t recommend big life changes, that stress could make bad things happen…” he begins.

  “When you say ‘bad things’ Kam, what do you mean?” she asks quizzically.

  “That it could trigger a change, for Alana to make an appearance I guess,” he says cautiously. She lets out a small sigh and nod.

  “We did certainly discuss that.” Her tone is coming off a tad condescending, and I find myself frowning. Kam and I exchange a glance.

  “But circumstances have changed. We’re about to have a family,” I remind her with a smile, absentmindedly touching my belly.

  She nods. “Yes, congratulations to you both,” she says, but her tone is still reserved.

  “I couldn’t be happier than where I am right now Dr. Lyce,” I add, and Kam beams at me.

  “Well. You two have made your decision.” She folds her hands together and looks at both of us.

  “I want you both to know I’m not here to be a parent or dictate the decisions that you make. I’m only here to guide you down what I believe is the easiest path and make things as normal for you as possible. To help you cope with what may not be. I can only make suggestions; I’m not here to judge you if you don’t take them.” She looks more compassionate and it alleviates some of the tension in the room. I feel myself relax and notice that Kam does as well.

  “That being said, this is where we are, and we will go from here,” she says with a smile. We both nod.

  “So, let’s begin by something you said earlier Kam.” She turns her gaze towards him.

  “You referred to Alana coming as ‘something bad happening’,” she paraphrases. I fight the urge to roll my eyes. Alana returning is something bad happening.

  “I just meant…now, especially with Megan being pregnant, is a much bigger cause for concern. Alana, from what I know of her, isn’t someone I’d want to trust with the well-being of my child,” he says firmly. I smile in complete agreement.

  “But that is a possibility,” Dr. Lyce says, and I see Kam immediately tense up.

  “I just think that it’s a good sign that she hasn’t come back. Like you said—with all of these big changes happening, she should have made an appearance if she was going to, right?” I interject.

  “I think it is important that you both—more so than ever now—begin to really attempt to rethink how it is that you see Alana, to be reminded that Megan and Alana are one and the same.” I fight the feeling of disappointment rising inside of me. I thought under the circumstances she wouldn’t still be pushing this.

  “I understand why it’s a difficult concept to grasp, and why I wanted Megan to really master it before decisions like this were made—”

  “Well we’re beyond that now Dr. Lyce,” Kam interrupts. “What do we
do to stop her from doing something stupid?” He’s pretty blunt but I would have put it a different way. He’s right though, voicing a real concern that both of us have. Hearing Kam say it aloud…I can’t help but feel guilty that it’s me with this problem that could potentially affect his baby.

  “There is nothing that I can recommend for keeping Alana away, as you both know…” she begins.

  “There has to be something, especially now that the situation is almost a matter of life and death,” he adds urgently.

  “Keeping Megan as stress-free as possible is one measure, attempting to communicate and compromise with Alana…”

  “Compromise?” Kam asks, his voice slightly raised.

  “Yes, these were all things that we were supposed to approach gradually. But seeing as things are drastically different, we will have to be more expedient,” Dr. Lyce says sternly. Kam and I glance at each other, and I can see annoyance and frustration behind his beautiful eyes. I’ve never really seen this side of Kam before, one so protective and direct. I have to admit it’s a little bit of a turn on.

  “What do you mean by compromise Dr. Lyce?” I ask, trying to ease the tension in the room.

  “First we need to work very hard to establish communication with Alana. In addition to that we need daily therapy to talk through whatever could be mental triggers. If we can establish a line of a communication between you two, we can see where Alana’s state of mind is…”

  “But what if she’s gone like Megan thinks? Why would we attempt to bring her back?” Kam asks, his tone still stern.