Us: A If I Break (Her) Story

by Portia Moore

  “It’s not about bringing Alana back. She’s in there. It isn’t a question of if she will come back, it’s when. And the purpose of therapy is to make the transitions not so jarring, that if there are shared established goals that she wouldn’t be disruptive if she’s included,” Dr. Lyce explains firmly. Kam lets out a sigh of frustration and I let out one just a bit softer. He immediately looks toward me, taking my hand in his again.

  “It’s going to be fine Megan. I don’t want you worrying at all, okay?” he says reassuringly.

  “It is important, especially with the situation at hand, to know Alana’s feelings about things, to allow her to express them in a way that isn’t toxic,” Dr. Lyce says, her tone and expression softening. Kam’s face is hard though.

  “Does it matter how Alana feels? She’s not going to get a say,” Kam say stubbornly.

  “We want her to be at peace with this. It is her body and the hormonal fluctuations that Megan is about to undergo, they both will. It would be best if everyone is on the same page. This is new territory for me,” Dr. Lyce explains, and my heart speeds up.

  Kam seems frustrated. “So, you don’t have any experience with this? With someone having DID and being pregnant?” It’s a question but comes out as a dig.

  “Remember Kam, this is a rare disorder,” I remind him gently.

  “No, I don’t have experience with these particular circumstances. However, I assure you that with my professional experience I am the best equipped to make this process as easy as possible for the both of you. I’m on your side,” she assures us, but seeing Kam’s expression I’m not sure if he believes it. He sits back heavily in his seat and begins stroking his chin.

  “So, you’re suggesting that I undergo hypnosis again?” I ask quietly.

  “Yes,” she says. In my peripheral vision I see Kam shake his head.

  “I don’t think that’s best right now. What if she does come out, and Megan is stuck or something?” He’s voicing my fear, because this isn’t the time for that. He looks towards me, waiting for me to confirm.

  “I agree with Kam, Dr. Lyce. I just don’t want to risk it,” I say, avoiding her gaze. She shifts slightly in her seat.

  “We’re not saying ever. Of course it’s something that would need to be done, but just not now when things are so fragile,” I say, touching my stomach.

  “I agree,” Kam confirms with a nod. If Dr. Lyce is annoyed or offended by us not taking her advice she doesn’t show it.

  “We can certainly approach it at a later date,” she responds easily. Kam and I exchange relieved glances.

  “I’m assuming with what’s happened, Kam, will you be relocating here permanently?” she asks.

  “That was the plan,” he answers with a smile, seemingly feeling better about things now that hypnosis is off the table.

  “Well I think that we should definitely have twice a week sessions with you both. Megan, we’ve already discussed daily sessions and Kam, I’d recommend that you see me as well, an individual session once a week,” she says.

  “I’ll see what I can do,” Kam says noncommittally.

  The rest of the session we discuss how we both are feeling, both of us ecstatic obviously. We let her know that my first appointment is tomorrow, and that Kam and I will be having dinner with his parents tonight.

  “Your parents, are they aware of Megan’s condition?” she asks, wearing her unreadable smile.

  “Yes. They know and are supportive,” he says, flashing me his Prince Charming smile.

  “And this would be the first time that you’re seeing them since them finding out about your condition, is that correct Megan?” she asks. I nod and swallow the anxiety that’s starting to grip my throat.

  “How do you feel about that?” she asks.

  “I’m excited, but I’m a little nervous,” I admit with a smile and a shrug.

  “There’s nothing to be nervous about sweetheart. You know my parents love you and now that we’re having their first grandchild, you’re going to be their favorite person in the world,” Kam explains excitedly. Dr. Lyce makes a note on her electronic pad. Kam notices too. You notice everything when you feel like someone is judging you, even though she claims that isn’t what she does.

  “I would just make sure it’s a safe environment for her when you disclose things. Do you not think it would be better for you to tell them first, Kam, without Megan?” she suggests, and he frowns.

  “They’re going to be thrilled, and my parents aren’t monsters. Of course the environment will be safe,” he says, slightly offended.

  “I only mean that, as we discussed, stressors are to be avoided. You may not feel anxious or overwhelmed but Megan’s thoughts and feelings can differ from yours,” Dr. Lyce says and I glue my eyes to my lap. The truth is I am extremely nervous about seeing Kam’s parents again.

  “Is that how you feel Megan?” he asks, turning towards me. I glance at Dr. Lyce, who gives me an encouraging smile.

  “Your parents have always been kind to me, and I’ve never felt anything other than completely welcomed,” I start off. He gives me a soft smile, then I move my gaze to my lap.

  “But after everything that’s happened I can’t help but think that their opinion has had to have changed, especially since your dad found out about Ian,” I explain gently; his brows draw together.

  “And it’s okay if they have opinions. I don’t blame them. Especially with DID not being commonplace. I can understand it being hard for them to grasp and come to terms with,” I say softly.

  “Megan, I wouldn’t put you in any situation that would make you feel uncomfortable. I wanted to surprise them and have you with me but if you’d prefer that I tell them beforehand I can absolutely do that,” he says, placing his hand on my thigh. I lean forward and we share a soft kiss.

  “Excellent,” Dr. Lyce says happily. “Now, you said that your father found out information on Ian Hudson?” she asks, turning towards Kam. Just hearing Ian’s name makes my heart clinch, and the possibility of where this conversation could go makes me start to recite colors in my mind.

  “Yes. My dad…he just wanted to protect me. Before he knew about her disorder he started to look into Megan’s background and it came up just a few days ago,” Kam explains.

  “And you both have discussed Ian and feel comfortable with his role in this?” she asks, looking between the two of us.

  “He doesn’t have a role anymore,” Kam announces. Dr. Lyce glances at me.

  “I’ve explained to Kam that Ian knows that I’m getting married and having our child. I think he understands that…” I’m speaking slowly and trying to choose my words carefully. I feel Kam’s eyes on me.

  “You think he understands?”

  “He understands…that the life he thought he’d have isn’t one he’s able to,” I say, feeling comfortable with my words.

  “What sort of life did he think he was going to have with you?” I hear the drop in Kam’s tone and I glare at him. I thought we were over this topic, that we didn’t have to go into this, that it could be glossed over. But I’m starting to get the distinct feeling that we’re not going to be able to.

  “Not with me. With Alana,” I correct quickly.

  “Did he have an understanding that you both aren’t the same?” Kam asks, his eyes glued to mine.

  “Yes, but none of that matters now anyway,” I say urgently.

  “But it did matter before?” he continues, and I take a deep breath.

  “Yes, it mattered before because he was still in love with her,” I mutter, looking away from him.

  “And now he’s just given up?” Kam asks, his tone tense, and I shoot a glare at him.

  “Kam we discussed this,” I remind him.

  “We didn’t really. I just didn’t want to make you upset,” he admits. I frown. Now it’s okay to make me upset?

  “But since Dr. Lyce has brought it up and we’re here in a safe environment…” he says, and at this moment I hate Dr
. Lyce.

  “Go ahead Megan. When you’re ready,” she urges. I take a deep breath and turn towards Kam; his expression is blank. I know he’s trying to keep it that way, wanting to hide how he really feels.

  “I was in communication with Ian because I wanted to know more about this person who was living a life as me, who I’m sharing a body with. They were married, as you know, so of course his feelings resurfaced when he saw me. When he found out about my condition it was something he had to come to terms with. I thought we could maybe build a friendship, and I realized that it was too complicated, especially now that I’m pregnant and marrying you. It’s over. That’s all there is and all that I want to say about it.”

  Kam nods slowly.

  “Are you satisfied with that answer Kameron?”

  Why won’t she just drop it?!

  “Yes.” I reach for his hand and hold it but it takes a second for him to hold mine back.

  “It’s going to be very important that you both engage in open and honest communication with each other. Not only will it be beneficial during your engagement period, but to have a healthy marriage it’s especially important that no underlying tension or resentment builds so that no blow-ups can cause triggers that could lead to detrimental consequences,” she explains, and both Kam and I nod.

  “So you’re saying you think it would be better to talk about things that are stressful here, with you?” I ask.

  “Yes, it’s what I would recommend specifically until after the baby is born.” Kam and I hold hands. He smiles but it takes a minute for it to reach his eyes.

  Ian

  “You’re okay? You’re not going to push the babies out right?” I ask Lauren frantically, as I help her buckle into the car.

  “No. I’m fine for now. We just need to get to the hospital,” she says calmly, giving me a reassuring smile even though it’s obvious she’s in pain. Shit. Shit. Shit! Please don’t let her deliver in the car. The hospital she goes to is only fifteen minutes away but it’s rush hour and will probably take us like thirty.

  “You want me to call Cal?” I ask after I’ve stopped at a red light. I really want to speed through it.

  “No. No, I’m about to call him,” she says, her breathing a little strained, but she’s pulling out her cell phone now.

  “Hi, um yeah, I was running an errand and my water broke,” she explains, glancing over at me.

  Of course she wouldn’t tell Cal she was at my house trying to put me back together when she went into labor. He’d definitely want to kill me, and I’d probably deserve it.

  “I’m fine babe, I’m on my way there. I actually bumped into Ian and he’s taking me there now,” she explains.

  “Cal, it wouldn’t have made sense to call an ambulance. I’m fine! Just get to the fucking hospital and call Raven!” Over the span of a sentence her voice goes from sweet and calm to sounding like something out of the exorcist. I hope to God she’s not lying about pushing, or whatever it is she has to do.

  “Um...you want me to turn on the radio?” I ask. She nods.

  “You want to pick the station?”

  “Any’s fine Ian,” she says tightly through a laugh.

  “Shit you don’t care, you’re about to go into labor, or are already in it.” I laugh too and I’m not sure why I’m laughing. I turn the radio on and Migos starts to blast. I get ready to switch stations but she swats my hand away.

  “I like this song,” she says through a long breath. She starts to sing the lyrics and I join in with her.

  We get to the hospital, and thankfully she doesn’t deliver in my car! I go in and grab her a wheelchair, and in less than a few minutes she’s being taken back.

  “Thank you so much Ian,” she tells me with a relieved smile.

  “Would you like to come back with her?” the nurse asks me.

  “Oh no, I’m not her husband,” I tell her quickly.

  “You want to come until Cal arrives?” she asks, and I notice how tight her voice is.

  “You can’t say no to a pregnant woman,” the nurse tells me with a smile, gesturing for me to follow her. I pray like hell for Cal to get here asap.

  Thankfully Lauren’s whisked away as they get the room ready for her so I’m able to sit in the hall while they do. I glance at my watch after about ten minutes has passed, and Cal still hasn’t arrived. The only experience I have with labor is watching Look Who’s Talking. I’m not the person to be in that room if Cal is delayed or stuff happens before he gets here. I pull out my phone and dial the number that’s been calling me every day since Megan was in the hospital—Hillary.

  “Ian?!” I’ve never heard someone sound so excited to hear from me that I’ve been a complete dick to.

  “Yeah. How are you?” I say apologetically.

  “I’m good. I’ve been thinking about you. How are you doing? Have you talked to Megan?” she asks. I’m surprised that Lauren hasn’t filled her in on what’s happened, but it makes me respect Lauren more.

  “No, but I’m actually calling because Lauren’s gone into labor and I’m sure Cal’s on his way. I just…if he’s not here in time I’m wondering if you can come…”

  “Oh my God! I’m on my way!” she says excitedly.

  About fifteen minutes after I get off the phone with Hillary I see Cal jogging towards me with three bags, looking more frazzled than I’ve ever seen him.

  “Hey. She’s gone back?” he asks, his tone lighter than I’m used to hearing it.

  “Yeah. They said they’d come get me—uh, you—when she was ready.” He nods and lets out a few breaths.

  “You need help with that?” I ask. He has a huge duffle bag slung across his shoulder and two diaper bags on each shoulder.

  “No, I’ve got it,” he says with a laugh.

  “I had to drop Caylen off at her friend’s house and get the bags. It’s been a crazy day,” he explains lightly, but his eyes are full of excitement.

  “Thank you for being there. For bringing her.” His face and tone are becoming more somber. “I really appreciate it,” he adds. I realize that it might be his way of apologizing or offering a truce about everything that’s happened.

  “It wasn’t a problem. Lauren’s great, she’s been really kind to me,” I tell him, and he nods.

  “I called Hillary. I didn’t know if you’d be here in time,” I tell him.

  “One less person I have to call!” he laughs.

  “Mr. Scott, you can go in now,” a nurse different from earlier tells us.

  “Wish me luck!” he says with a laugh before rushing in. I let out a relieved breath and turn to head to the elevator when I see Hillary. Her face lights up when she sees me as she rushes over. I’m a little taken aback by her once we’re face-to-face. I’ve never seen her, how she looks now. Her face is free of makeup and her hair is in one of those pony tail things on top of her head. She’s always been beautiful but standing here now her natural beauty is shining through.

  “Hey!” she squeals before pulling me into a hug. I have to admit it feels good.

  “Is Cal here yet?” she asks as our embrace breaks.

  “Yeah he just went a minute ago.”

  “Oh thank God! Lauren would kill him if he wasn’t here.” She snickers. “I’m so excited. It feels like Lauren’s been pregnant forever,” she adds, pushing her hands in her back pockets.

  “I’m so glad you were around,” she says, giving me a friendly grip on the shoulder. I start to tell her that she was at my apartment to check on me when she went into labor but I kind of get the feeling that Hillary may already know, or Lauren will tell her if she wants to.

  “I’m just glad she made it here in time. I would have shit myself if she went into labor in my car!” I admit with a chuckle. Hillary cheeses at me.

  “Look, I wanted to apologize about how I was the last time I saw you,” I tell her, pushing my hand through my hair.

  “I get it Ian,” she says with a half shrug.

  “How are you doing
?” she asks, her eyes searching mine, her tone a bit more somber. I don’t know if she’s found out about the other anvil that just dropped or just how shitty everything was the day of Megan’s accident. I feel my brows clash.

  “I’m…I’m doing.” She gives me a disbelieving look.

  “Well, it looks like she has the calvary here so I’ll head out,” I tell her, starting to take a step backwards. Her face immediately falls.

  “Do you have somewhere you’ve got to be?” she asks. I can’t even think clear enough to come up with a lie.

  “Why don’t you stay? Babies make everything better right?” And now I realize she doesn’t know about what’s happened with Megan. When I don’t say anything she gives me a light nudge.

  “It could be awhile…right?” I can’t think of an excuse fast enough.

  She grins with an arched brow. “Well that just might give us a chance to grab an early dinner.” She doesn’t ask. Hillary hasn’t really asked to do anything since we’ve met, she sort of has always told me what to do. She’s always reminded me of…

  “What else do you have to do Ian?” she asks knowingly.

  Before Hillary disappears inside of Lauren’s room she makes me promise to not disappear and if I do she’ll come to my house and act psychotic, so I reluctantly promise her that I won’t.

  In about ten minutes she’s back out, a wide contagious grin on her face.

  “So her water’s broken but she’s only about three centimeters so it’ll be awhile before the babies make an appearance. Which is great because the grandparents and her aunt are about five hours away.”

  “Are you ready or are you going to sit there like a statue?” she asks teasingly, motioning for me to follow her.

  We end up eating at TGI Fridays. Hillary says it’s the five star of the mediocre restaurants, classier than its cousins Applebee’s and Chili’s. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been to a place like this. The waitress comes a few minutes after we sit down and Hillary orders some sort of loaded salad. I attempt to order just a drink but Hillary threatens to throw a bitch fit so I settle on a burger, which makes her happy.