Us: A If I Break (Her) Story

by Portia Moore

  “So…are you ready for the showcase?”

  Shit. I forgot all about the showcase…when the hell is it? She frowns at me.

  “It’s next Friday,” she reminds me. I haven’t been keeping track obviously. Everything has just been blurring together.

  “And I noticed you haven’t been posting on Insta…you can’t let it dry up too long. In this day and age people will forget about you,” she says, her bright blue eyes narrowing in on me accusingly.

  “I’ve had a lot going on,” I say, trying to cover up my annoyance. I notice her face softens.

  “I know,” she admits, her gaze leaving me and landing on the table.

  But she doesn’t know. Not everything, and I appreciate Lauren even more for not spilling to her.

  “Um. Megan told me that…she’s pregnant and getting married,” I say, throwing the words out. It’s the first time I’ve said them out loud and it doesn’t seem real. I don’t look at her but I hear her draw a breath in.

  “Ian I…I’m so sorry,” she says quietly. I force a shrug.

  “It doesn’t matter. There’s nothing I can do about it. I just…I give up. She’s having a kid and I can’t beat that. Me and Alana can’t beat that. Alana left because she didn’t want to have my kid. Megan loves this guy enough to have his, for it to link them and destroy us.”

  Hillary’s quiet, and she’s not usually a quiet person. She says whatever’s on her mind. But I appreciate her caring enough to be speculative.

  “Ian, you’re such a good guy. No, not just a good guy. You are an amazing person,” she starts with a sigh. “This is so fucked up that you’re in this situation and I wish I could make it better for you, like wave a wand and you just forget about it!” she says with a dry laugh. I’m surprised it makes me chuckle.

  “I know, it’s been kind of weirdish between us…” she says, her boisterousness settling a bit. “It’s totally my fault. I knew everything…well, not everything, but I knew you weren’t in a place to date or…have sex,” she says with a smile, and I find I crack one myself.

  “I kind of pushed the line. Ask Lauren. I’m a definitely a pusher.” She tosses a piece of stray hair her out of her face. “It’s only because you’re totally fucking hot. I couldn’t help myself. But right now, I realize you don’t need any of that extra stuff. You need a friend and if you let me…I’d like to be that for you,” she says softly.

  “I can definitely use a friend,” I tell her. For the first time today, I’m wearing a genuine smile.

  12

  Kam

  My stomach feels like it’s on one of those crappy booze cruise boats I went on during spring break. I miss my parents, but I can’t say I’m not nervous about seeing them. I only talked to my mom briefly, letting her know Megan and I would be coming to dinner tomorrow night. She is thrilled, but I could hear the worried tone in her voice. She’s not exactly happy that I’m transferring programs and am spending so much of my time in Chicago with Megan, but my parents have never been controlling or overbearing. They’re just worried, and rightfully so, but there’s nothing for them to be worried about. I know once I tell them about Megan being pregnant, everything’s going to be all right. They’re going to be ecstatic. But today I’m not telling them about the pregnancy. That’s still something I want to do with Megan, but I will bring them up to date on everything and let them know I’ve proposed, and she’s accepted. After I park the car and head in, I’m quickly greeted by them both. Ellie must be out for the day.

  “Kameron!” my mom says as if I’ve made it back from the front lines. She quickly rushes over and pulls me into a hug and kisses my cheek.

  “I’ve missed you so much, Son,” she says in my ear before pulling back. My dad is behind her, wearing his own relieved smile before hugging me as well.

  “It’s good to have you back, Kameron.”

  “You guys have never lost me,” I remind them. My mom gives me a sad smile.

  “Katy should be here any minute. You know how late she always is.”

  We move to the sitting room, and my dad pours himself a glass of scotch while my mom does some last-minute touches in the kitchen.

  “I’m glad you came today. I knew you were bringing Megan to dinner tomorrow, but I think it’s good that we talked first.” My dad starts handing me a glass as well.

  “How has everything been going? I know you were upset about the news I had last time,” he begins cautiously.

  “Things have been great. Megan was in a car accident—”

  “Oh my God, is she okay?” he asks, genuinely concerned.

  “Yes, she’s fine. Just a little swelling and some bruises, but thankfully nothing too bad,” I tell him, and he nods thankfully.

  “I’m actually glad it happened. Not glad, but it made me realize that regardless of everything that’s happened, I can’t lose, Dad. I love her too much. Did you tell Mom about…the Ian guy?” I ask hesitantly.

  “I didn’t want to worry her before talking to you and figuring out exactly what’s been going on,” he explains, and I let out a relieved breath.

  “Good.”

  “Have you talked to her about it?” he asks, sitting down in his big leather chair by the fireplace.

  “I have. It turns out Megan was aware of him and had met him,” I tell him, feeling almost embarrassed. My dad’s brow shoots up.

  “But things have been ended with him,” I tell my dad. He looks at me expectantly, waiting for me to expound, but there isn’t really anything left for me to say because beyond that I still don’t know exactly how things panned out. I haven’t told my dad that I’m marrying Megan yet, and I don’t want to tell him that she’s pregnant until Katy and my mom are around.

  “Have you spoken to this young man?” he asks, and I feel my skin flush.

  “No. It wasn’t for me to handle, Dad. It was something Megan had to do on her own.”

  “But Kameron—”

  “She wanted to do it on her own, and I love Megan and trust her. She says the situation is handled, so I’m going to believe that until there is a reason for me not to.” I say, making my voice firm so that I can let him know that this conversation is final. He looks at me for a moment, scrutinizing me like he did when I was a kid and I was lying about hiding candy in my room, but thankfully Katy sweeps into the room.

  “Long time no see, stranger,” she says happily.

  “It hasn’t been that long.” I correct her playfully. She heads over, giving me a bear hug after kissing my dad on the cheek.

  “I’ve missed you, big brother,” she says, and it’s only been a few weeks since I’ve seen her, but usually we don’t go longer than a few days without seeing each other and a few hours without talking. It’s been a little over four days since our last conversation happened right before Megan’s accident.

  “You did something to your hair?” I ask her, thinking she looks a little different. I’m not sure what it is.

  “I cut my hair, just about four inches. You like it?” she asks, doing a spin.

  “It suits you.” My dad nods in agreement, and she gives him a playful frown. My dad doesn’t notice much of anything when it comes to that sort of thing. She’d have to die her hair pink for him to notice a difference.

  We all make our way to the kitchen where my mom’s made one of her best dishes: spare ribs, au gratin potatoes, and asparagus. My dad opens the wine and pours my mother some before Katy ’s. I’m set on finishing the glass of Cognac he poured earlier.

  “I’m so glad to have everyone here,” my mom says, beaming.

  “I know! It feels like forever since we all have been together,” Katy adds.

  “How are things in Chicago, big brother?” she asks before taking a sip from her glass.

  “Things have been good. Really good. I told dad that Megan was in a car accident, but she’s completely fine,” I tell her and my mom, seeing their shocked faces.

  “Thank God. How did I happen?” Mom asks, a hand placed on her c
hest.

  “You know traffic there is insane, and she didn’t see a car coming towards her when she was crossing the street,” I explain.

  Katy's eyes go wide. “What?! She was hit by a car? Then that wasn’t an accident!” Katy exclaims.

  I roll my eyes. “Regardless, she’s okay.”

  “Besides that, how is she?” my mother interjects, and all of their eyes land on me. My family has been supportive since I told them about the disorder, but it’s still not a topic that is entirely easy to talk about. Not that I blame them. It’s not entirely for me to talk about, without Megan or Dr. Lyce, but I know today I’m going to have to be more open with them knowing that they will definitely want to delve deeper after what I’m going to tell them.

  “Megan is good. We’ve been going to therapy consistently. She has a great apartment and a job, though she’s taken a short leave since the accident.” They all smile at me, but they seem practiced and forced, and it makes me so glad that I listened to Dr. Lyce's advice and am breaking the ice without Megan here first.

  “You said her brother has been helping her a lot?” Dad asks, and I nod.

  “Yeah, Cal is great. It’s obvious he loves her, and it helps that she has an added support system. I met her other brother, Dexter Crestfield, after the accident. The name sounds familiar…have we met them before?” I ask my parents, and Dad’s face goes blank before smiling.

  “Dexter Crestfield Jr.?” he asks, and I nod. “He’s Megan’s brother?”

  “Yes, and he’s obviously wealthy,” I add. Mom and Dad burst out into a laugh.

  “He would be. His father is one of the most successful industrialists in the Midwest,” Dad explains, looking at me quizzically.

  “Well, that was before he was sentenced to prison—a slap on the wrist for what he was charged for…” Dad continues.

  “I don’t understand, Kameron. You said that Megan was raised in foster care and came from meager means…” Mom asks, a little confused.

  “She was. From my understanding, they don’t have the same mother.”

  “Oh.” Dad nods in understanding.

  “Your uncle Richard would be on his knees apologizing to her if he knew she was a Crestfield.” Dad chuckles, and Mom shoots him a disdainful look.

  “I’m just saying, honey,” he says innocently.

  “Wow, Kameron. That sort of changes things,” Dad says with a sigh, and I look at him surprised. In my eyes, my dad has never been impressed by wealth or money. He taught me to treat everyone the same, whether they were a CEO or a janitor. I didn’t think it would make a difference if he knew Megan’s family background is different from what we may have expected.

  “What would it change? She’s still the same person, so why would it change things?” I ask, almost accusingly.

  “Calm down, Kam. I think it just makes a difference because if Megan has support from a family like that, it makes her condition less intimidating. They obviously can afford the best care for her than what a state plan would provide,” Katy says, coming to my dad’s rescue.

  “Yes, that’s exactly what I meant. There’s a big difference battling mental health conditions when you’re financially destitute than when you have money. I’m sure Megan hasn’t been able to work and will have some problems completing school while dealing with this. It just means she has much better odds of beating this,” he explains simply. I let my defenses down a bit.

  “Yes, honey, we all adored Megan, but after finding this out, it is quite a lot of baggage to deal with, even with having such an influential family’s support,” Mom tells me gently. But I pick out that she used past tense.

  “I don’t think of it as baggage Mother. No person is perfect,” I tell her firmly.

  “Of course, but there is a big difference being with someone who might not be a great cook or snores and having a lifelong mental impairment,” Katy interjects. I frown at her.

  “Like being unfaithful?” I immediately regret saying it the moment the words leave my mouth.

  “Kameron,” Dad says sternly. Katy 's face flushes bright red, and she tears her eyes from mine.

  “I’m sorry, Katy ,” I say immediately, but she still doesn’t look at me.

  “I just felt ganged up on,” I tell them all, hanging my head in shame.

  “We’re not ganging up on you, Kam. We’re just honestly addressing our concerns. You’ve practically begun to rearrange your life over Megan. It concerns us. She’s not your wife, she’s your girlfriend, and we don’t want you to regret the choices you’re making over someone who may not be a permanent fixture in your life,” Mom says, her tone pleading.

  “We just want what’s best for you,” Katy mutters, peering over at me. I take a deep breath, trying to let go of the anger and frustration that’s started to build inside of me. I wonder how much they’ve all talked about this? Still, I remind myself that if I was Katy and it was Blue or someone she was with dealing with what Megan was, I’d probably be just as vocal and protective—if not more—of her.

  “I know you guys want what’s best for me,” I say, my tone free of anger and frustration.

  “But you have to trust that I know what’s best for me. What I want in my life, who I want in my life,” I explain. They’re all quiet, and I realize it’s a good of a time as any to let them know that Megan isn’t just a girlfriend I’m doing this for.

  “I’ve asked Megan to be my wife, and she said yes,” I say quietly. I hear my mother inhale the tiniest breath. Dad’s face is blank, and Katy ’s eyes are as wide as an owl’s. They all exchange glances with each other.

  “I don’t expect you to be happy about it. From this conversation, I’m sure you’re not. All I ask is that you don’t try to discourage me. My mind is made up. She’s going to be my wife, and I ask that you not only respect her but be kind, supportive, and welcome her into our family,” I say firmly, making eye contact with each of them. There isn’t really any other discussion to be had; being with Megan isn’t up for debate. I’ve done everything my parents asked me of. I did well in school. I’m about to receive my masters. I joined sports. I was social. I never brought home any problems. I’ve been the child they wanted, and I’d like to think I’m the man they expected me to be, and the man they raised wouldn’t abandon the woman he loves for an easier, better deal. I look to my father, knowing that Katy and my mom will take his lead. He lowers his head a bit and lets out a sigh before meeting my eyes.

  “Well, Kameron, if you’re choosing to be with Megan and love and support her, we will all do the same,” he says. I look at them all nodding in agreement, and after a few moments, smiles come to their faces even if they’re forced. Soon Mom and Katy come and hug me, and I apologize to Katy again for what I said. Before I leave, Mom has mustered up some enthusiasm and even talks about wedding plans.

  When I make it back to Megan’s apartment, she’s on the couch listening to an audiobook with one of my t-shirts on. She stands, scrutinizing me with a hopeful gaze as I come through the door. I greet her with a wide smile.

  “It went well?” she asks cautiously with a reserved smile.

  “Better than well. They can’t wait to see you.” I take her in my arms and pull her onto my lap. She looks at me, skeptically.

  “Really?” she asks, almost in disbelief.

  “Really, I can’t wait to tell them about the baby,” I tell her, rubbing her belly. When our eyes lock, I see they are glistening.

  “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” I ask, wiping her tears away.

  “I’m just…I never thought I’d get my happily ever after, and here I am, right in the middle of it,” she says before sobbing. I can’t help but chuckle and kiss her tears away.

  “It’s just the beginning, I promise.”

  Ian

  Lauren’s had the babies.

  Two, I’m told. Healthy, sickeningly gorgeous little girls. That’s according to Hillary. Lauren is doing fine, just tired. And Hillary has sent me a picture that’s pinged on m
y phone that I haven’t been able to stop smiling at. It’s crazy how people I didn’t know this time last year can make the problems I have with the person who my world has revolved around for the past few years not seem like doomsday. They’re sort of a reminder that life continues, goes on, things die, but things are born again as well.

  It still hurts. It still hurts so fucking bad to think that my wife, Alana—or Megan—is beginning something new with someone else. What could have been a start, a saving grace for us, wasn’t. It’s like knives carving into my heart, realizing this will be Alana in a while. Her stomach is growing with a piece of someone else inside of her, that she’s going to be a mother, that she’ll have someone that she’ll love more than me that has nothing to do with me. Megan will, but it doesn’t matter because they’re the same regardless of what Megan’s been peddling or what Alana wants.

  Seeing those two little babies that could have possibly made their appearance in my car gave me a glimmer of hope that one day it won’t hurt so fucking much. Hell, maybe one day I can love again, let myself be loved again. That I can be saved. Even if the thought makes me feel like a traitor, like I’m betraying Alana. But now it’s not about betraying Alana. It’s about being a better man than I was. I can’t break up a family that has a chance at working. I’ve never met the guy, but Megan loves him. She’s having a baby with him and is going to marry him. She’s made her choice, and I can either decide to wither away and die or try to piece my life together again.

  I hear a knock at the door, and I know this time it’s Blue who texted me he is on his way up. He’s here so much I’m thinking of giving him a key. I open the door, and he looks at me, surprised, and grins.

  “What are you smiling for?” I ask him dryly, moving aside to let him in.

  “Well, you’re up, sober, and haven’t punched me in the face, so I’d say it’s a good day,” he says, patting me on the back.

  “I wouldn’t go that far,” I say, closing the door. I grab my laptop to look at the pictures I’ve taken for the gallery showcase. I feel him watching me over my shoulder.