Hollow (Perfect Little Pieces)

by Ava Conway

  It was going to be a very long night.

  Chapter Eight

  In the morning, my new roommate was still sleeping, so I decided to freshen up myself. By the time I returned to the room, she was sitting up with her knees curled into her chest. She tucked her head against her body and let her long hair fall around her legs.

  “Good morning.” I took a cautious step forward.

  She bolted upright and wiped her eyes with the back of her hands. “Oh, hi. I’m sorry about last night.”

  “Don’t be.” I sat on the edge of my bed. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Not really.” She sniffed and I handed her a tissue from the bed stand.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  She blew her nose and nodded.

  I wasn’t convinced. “My name’s Lucy.” I held out my hand.

  She finished wiping her nose and inched away from my fingers. “Iris.” She cleared her throat. “My name’s Iris.” Her voice came out barely above a whisper.

  “Well,” I said. “It looks like we’re going to be roommates.” I stared at her comforter and sheets. Both were bright white and appeared new. “Did you bring those from home?”

  “Y-yes. I couldn’t stomach sleeping on hospital sheets.” She shuddered. “Too many germs.”

  I nodded at her comment, even though I didn’t quite understand it. The hospital bedding wasn’t exciting, but it was clean. “Have you had a chance to walk around and introduce yourself?”

  She dumped the tissue in the trash and stared at her palms. “Is there a bathroom around here? I need to wash my hands.”

  “Sure, down the hall.” I stood. “Let me take you there.”

  “No, no, I can do it.” She hurried out the open door and into the hall.

  How odd. I sat for a moment, staring at her things. The scent of lemons and bleach filled my nose. A small bag sat in the corner, but the room was otherwise empty. It looked as if the furniture had been moved and set back again. Was she cleaning?

  Something didn’t set right with me about Iris, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. After a few moments, I decided to get up and follow her into the hall. I found her standing a few hundred feet down from our room, staring at the bathroom door.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked as I approached.

  Tears filled her eyes as she looked up and met my gaze. “I-I can’t open the door.”

  “What?” I grabbed the knob and opened the entrance to the girls’ bathrooms. “It seems fine to me.”

  Iris peeked inside the door and made a face. “D-does everyone on the floor use those?”

  I shrugged. “Not everyone. Just the girls.” I tilted my head to the side. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

  “Of course not.” She squared her shoulders. “It’s just a bathroom, right?” She chuckled to herself, but it sounded forced. “All I need to do is wash my hands anyway. It isn’t like I need to use the toilet.”

  “No.” I frowned and opened the door wider. “Do you want me to go in with you?”

  She jerked her gaze to me, her eyes widening. “No.” she shook her head. “I don’t need help.”

  “Are you sure?”

  She nodded. “They have soap in there, right?”

  “Yeah, they do.” What the heck was her problem?

  She glanced in my direction. “Would you mind…could you wait for me here, outside? Just in case.”

  I offered her a warm smile. “Sure thing.”

  She squared her shoulders and nodded. “I should just be a minute.”

  “Okay.”

  Still, she didn’t move.

  “Iris?” I asked.

  Tears filled her eyes. She raised her hands as if to wipe them, then thought better of it. “Right. Just a minute.” She swept into the common bathroom, turning her back to me.

  As the door closed, I saw her grab a bunch of paper towels from the dispenser. Weird.

  “New patient?”

  I spun around as Jayden approached. “Yeah. New roommate.” I glanced at the door. “She’s just using the bathroom.” I hesitated a moment then asked the question weighing on my mind. “I thought you were going to be gone during breakfast?”

  “It isn’t breakfast yet. Carter asked me to go to Tai Chi with him to help give him confidence with Rosie.” Jayden chuckled. “I thought I’d stop by and see if you wanted to come, too.” He nodded to the bathroom door. “You can bring her if you want.”

  “I don’t know.” I knew that I had promised Jayden that I’d try it out again, but the class made me feel so uncomfortable and awkward. There was no reason to believe that the morning class would be any different from the evening one.

  Jayden sighed. “You need to give it another chance, Lucy. I know if you can just relax, everything will come together.”

  “I don’t know.” Images of my mother and her crystals filled my head.

  “Think of it this way. It will give you more points that we can use to get out of here and do something different.”

  “Something different?”

  “Yeah,” He flashed me a sheepish grin and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Like go for a walk in the courtyard or something.”

  “In November?”

  “The weatherman said that we’re having unusually warm weather.”

  I crossed my arms and gave him my best ‘I don’t believe you’ look.

  “Okay, maybe coffee in the visitor’s center downstairs, then. But, if you don’t want to, that’s cool.” He took a step away from me. “I just thought—”

  “No.” God, how badly could I fuck this up? “I’m sorry. I just have a lot on my mind right now. That would be nice.”

  “A walk, or coffee?”

  I chuckled. “Coffee. I hate the cold.”

  “Okay, coffee it is.” He pointed at me. “I’m holding you to that.” He nodded down the hall in the opposite direction. “I have to get Carter, now. I’ll see you in class.”

  I made a frustrated noise as he grinned. He manipulated me and we both knew it. “You’re too smart for your own good, sometimes.”

  “I know.” He closed the distance between us and brushed his lips against mine. “See you in class.” He whistled to himself and shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked away. I shook my head.

  “Is everything okay?” Iris asked as she exited the bathroom.

  “Yeah, fine.” I turned away from Jayden and glanced at Iris. “What do you say about trying out some Tai Chi?”

  She frowned. “I don’t know. Does it involve touching other people?”

  “No, not if you don’t want to.”

  “Good.”

  I glanced down at the huge wad of paper towels in her hand. “Want to dump that first?”

  “I’ll dump it on the way.”

  I stared at her for a moment, considering. Who the heck is afraid of a bathroom? And what was up with all of those paper towels? At least her tears had dried up. She looked almost human.

  “Okay.” I waved my arm in the air. “Let’s go.”

  We walked back down the hall, retracing the steps I took with Jayden when I went to my first Tai Chi class the other day. Along the way, I explained to Iris about the point system and how she could earn privileges.

  “Like your own private bathroom?”

  “Not quite.” She seemed disappointed, so I hurried to continue. “You could get coffee down at the visitor station, or have people come and visit you.”

  “Oh, I won’t get any visitors. No one wants to see me.”

  I thought back to the visitation with my parents. “You’re lucky,” I said.

  I thought she was going to question me, but instead she shook her head. “I know.”

  We arrived at the class, which was much more packed than the evening one for some reason. It took me only a few moments to spot Jayden. He was standing next to Carter in the front of the room, waving us over. I hesitated, not really wanting to be in the spotlight. What if I screwed up? What
if I couldn’t hold the forms? I had only taken one class after all.

  “Is that your boyfriend?” Iris asked.

  I blinked at her choice of words. Was Jayden my boyfriend? I knew she didn’t mean it like that, but somehow, the description seemed to fit.

  “Yeah,” I said. “Come on.” I reached for her hand, but she evaded my grasp and walked toward Jayden and Carter.

  Jayden grinned at me as I took my place. “Remember to relax,” he said.

  I frowned at him, which made him laugh.

  “It’s hard to do, I know. Just promise you’ll try.”

  How on Earth could I relax next to someone like him? Jayden radiated confidence and testosterone. There was something about him that drew me close and made me hyper-aware of my surroundings.

  Thankfully, Rose walked to the front of the class and announced that they were about to begin. She went through the usual routine, giving a brief history of Tai Chi and how it was supposed to help align our Qi or Chi or whatever it was. Iris took her place beside me and we began.

  Once again I struggled with the forms. Iris seemed to have better luck following the class, damn her. She, like the rest of the students, moved from position to position with cat-like grace. My jerky arm movements made me feel more zombie than human.

  “Remember, relax. Don’t over-think things.” Rose said. She approached me and stood at my side. “Just let yourself go.” She moved my hands in circle-like movements typical of the form. “Soft and loose, more fluid.”

  I wasn’t getting it. Frustration welled up inside of me. Why was this so easy for everyone but hard for me? Tears stung my eyes as I remembered my mother’s scolding. Really Lucy. You should be more attentive. This is easy. A child can do it.

  No it isn’t, Mom. A child couldn’t get a perfect score on her calculus final, and a child couldn’t follow these stupid Tai Chi movements. Now get out of my head.

  “Let me help,” Jayden offered.

  Rose looked about to refuse, but then someone on the other side of the room asked for help. She nodded and moved away.

  Jayden broke his form and came up from behind. “Let your body feel the music and movement.” He placed his palms on my sides, spanning my waist with his fingers. “Let yourself go.”

  I tried, I really tried, but it was next to impossible with him standing so close. He smelled so damn good, and his body heat created an awareness inside of me that made my skin tingle.

  He leaned forward until his lips were inches away from my ear. “Don’t over-think it. Blank your mind and let go.”

  I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes. Jayden placed his arms under mine and we followed the movements of the forms, transitioning from one to the other. With each wave of my hands, I felt the world around me slip away. With each shift of my stance, I felt peace wash over me.

  “That’s it. Keep going,” Jayden whispered in my ear.

  As I moved through the positions, my mind continued to drift. The peace inside of me grew, and I realized how well our bodies moved together. Everything was so smooth and fluid. It was almost like dancing.

  When it was over, Jayden held me a minute, as if he, too, was reluctant for the lesson to end. When he finally moved away, I felt the tension leave my shoulders. I was more relaxed than I had been in months.

  I let out a long breath and opened my eyes. I caught Carter looking at me again. Instead of that wildness in his eyes, he appeared calm. He offered me a half-smile and a nod. I nodded back.

  “So what did you think?”

  I turned around to face Jayden. “I think I felt it.”

  “Good.” He rubbed my back and turned me to the exit. “Let me walk you back.”

  I resisted the temptation to lean into him. Something happened between us during the class. I felt a certain connection. More than anything I wanted to stay by his side and find out where this connection led.

  Jayden felt it, too. I was sure of it. He pressed his fingers possessively against my spine as we left the room. His body heat surrounded me, penetrated me. I thought back to the kiss we shared in the supply closet. I wanted to feel his lips on me again.

  “Lucy,” Elias said as he caught up to us in the hall. Jayden immediately dropped his hand. My chest ached at the loss of contact. I tried to hide it but it was difficult. Jayden was my security, my safety blanket. I didn’t want him to move away.

  “Your friend called while you were in class.”

  I frowned at Elias. “Friend?”

  “The one applying for the internship. Mia.” Elias glanced at Jayden and then refocused on me. “She wants to see you after she has her interview this afternoon. After what happened with your parents, I thought I’d let you make the decision if you wanted to have more visitors.”

  “Mia?” Jayden asked.

  “A friend from college,” I explained.

  Jayden studied my face for a moment. “You don’t have to see anyone if you don’t want to.”

  “No, it’s okay.” I turned to Elias. “I’ll see her. She can come after Rec Therapy.”

  “Do you want me to go with you?” Jayden asked.

  “No, it’s not necessary.” As much as I’d love to have Jayden with me, I didn’t want him to know about my past. My relationship with him was the only good thing in my life right now. I didn’t want to muddy it with my past. If he found out the terrible thing I did, then he’d walk away forever, and I’d never be able to forgive myself.

  “Okay,” Elias said. “I’ll let her know.” He glanced at Jayden. “They’re waiting for you in the visitor’s room.”

  “Just give me a min.”

  Elias stared at him for a moment then nodded. “Just don’t be long. They have a full schedule today.”

  “Thanks, man.”

  Jayden moved closer to me as Elias left.

  “Are you going to be okay?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I’ll be fine.” I wanted to ask who was waiting for him but held my tongue. I didn’t want him to come with me to see Mia, so I couldn’t expect him to let me go with him to his appointment. The curiosity was killing me, however.

  Jayden ran his fingers through his hair. “You know, Lucy, at some point, you’re going to have to tell me about your past.”

  “I know.” I reached up and brushed my fingers across his cheek. “You will, too.”

  I watched him flinch and knew that Jayden carried just as many demons as I did. Who was I kidding? While our budding romance was a comfort in this place, it wasn’t anything lasting. We were too broken. There was too much baggage to unload. Our pasts would suffocate the connection between us, and then where we’d be? Right back where we started, or worse.

  I lowered my hand as a hollow hole opened up in my chest. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

  “Okay.” He looked as if he was going to say something, but changed his mind. “Take care of yourself.”

  “You, too.” I turned away and started back to my room. I could feel Jayden’s gaze upon my back, but never looked over my shoulder, not once. It was better this way, I told myself. I had to create some distance, for both our sakes. Dr. Polanski was right. Romantic relationships just got in the way of our healing. I was better off facing my demons alone.

  I just wished that being alone didn’t hurt so damn much.

  Chapter Nine

  I’m not above admitting that I used Iris to avoid Jayden.

  We had spent the morning in group therapy together and had really connected. I learned that she suffered from hypochondria, mysophobia, obsessive compulsive disorder, and a bunch of other disorders that meant she was afraid of getting sick and liked to have everything organized in her life. Not only did it explain the weirdness about the bathrooms, but I now understood why keeping the bedroom clean was so important to her. The relief in her eyes when I opened the door or brushed off a chair was palpable. In exchange for my considerations, I discovered that she was an excellent listener. While I wasn’t ready to share any of my own past with her, I freely
told her about Jayden and my concerns for him.

  “So do you think you can distract him this afternoon?” I asked on the way to Rec Therapy. “I don’t want him to meet Mia.” I had told him not to bother coming to see Mia with me this afternoon, but part of me felt that he might ignore that request and try to go anyway.

  Just like I tried to spy on him this morning. Unfortunately, Dr. Polanski caught me snooping around the visiting rooms and sent me back to group, scolding me all the way.

  I was officially ten points in the hole. Since I had already made the appointment with Mia, they let me keep it, but I had to earn other privileges if I wanted them.

  “You do realize how unfair you’re being,” Iris said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well…” Iris waited for me to open a door for her. “You want to know everything that’s going on in his life, but you’re unwilling to share yours.”

  “It’s different.”

  “Is it?” She walked by me and into the common area.

  I pressed my lips together in frustration. “Yes,” I said after a moment. “I’m sure there’s nothing in Jayden’s past that’s unforgivable. Mine’s a different story.”

  Iris stopped and turned to face me. “You keep saying that, but look around.” She waved her arm at the room behind her. “Everyone here has done some pretty messed-up things. That’s why we’re here.” She hesitated a moment before responding. “I think you need to give Jayden more credit. You might be surprised what he’s capable of accepting.”

  I glanced over her shoulder at the room. “Where are the dogs?”

  “The what?” Iris asked.

  “The dogs.” I frowned at group of patients sitting in folding chairs. “Howlistic Healers.”

  Iris giggled. “What a terrible name.”

  “Come on.” I reached out to grab her hand, but she moved out of my reach. “Sorry.” I had forgotten how much she didn’t like to be touched.

  “No problem.”

  “Follow me.” I waved my arm I the air and strode over to Dr. Polanski. “What’s going on?” I asked as we approached.

  The good doctor, dressed all in green, looked up from her clipboard. “Ah Lucy. So glad of you to make it.” She made a notation on her clipboard and nodded to the big crate in the middle of the circle. “Feel free to take an instrument.”