An Unsuitable Wife

by Lindsay Armstrong

  Mike followed her and together they put the covers back. ‘I don’t know about you,’ he said as he straightened, ‘but I’d be quite happy to heat up a frozen lasagne tonight——we’ve been down there for hours.’

  Sidonie laughed although she winced inwardly. ‘Sorry, I probably got carried away. Yes, that would be fine. I’ll go and clean up.’ She turned away and hoped he hadn’t noticed anything wrong, because the reason she’d winced was on account of the frozen lasagne and what it stood for——no cooking lesson tonight. No companionable time while she sat perched on her stool across the counter from him and chopped or peeled and they enjoyed a glass of wine while he demonstrated how it was done.

  She was right, she discovered when she emerged from her cabin, clean and shining. It was all ready——lasagne, a salad and banana fritters for dessert. But she made no comment and tried throughout the meal to be as normal as-possible. .

  It was unfair that there should be a sliver of bright white moon that night, though, because when they took their coffee up to the cockpit, as they’d got into the habit of doing, it was shining over Gulnare Inlet in a way that made her throat close up and made her totally lose the flow of easy chatter she’d maintained.

  ‘What will you do?’ Mike said quietly into the silence.

  She looked over the silvered water and didn’t pretend to misunderstand. ‘I haven’t altogether decided, but I will go home to Melbourne.’

  ‘Home?’

  ‘Well, it is my home town.’

  ‘When did you make that decision?’

  In the shower, a short while ago, she answered in her mind. And why? Because to stay around on Hamilton Island or anywhere up here would be foolish and look as if I haven’t given up hope…

  ‘I think it’s the sensible decision,’ she said. ‘I do have some contacts down there——friends of my father and so on.’

  She thought she heard him sigh as he said, ‘Sid——I’m sorry——’

  ‘That’s all right,’ she cut in. ‘It’s not your fault. And it’s not even as if I’d got to the stage of picturing myself going to bed with you so .I’m certainly not a lost cause or anything like that.’ And her voice had been surprisingly steady.

  ‘He studied her for a moment. ‘Do you have any experience of that?’

  ‘Sleeping with someone?’

  ‘Yes,’ he said a shade drily.

  ‘Not actually, no.’

  He raised’ an eyebrow. ‘Yet you went out and got yourself a steady boyfriend?’

  She looked rueful. ‘I know it’s not the way things are done these days and I didn’t just——go out and get myself a steady boyfriend as you put it. We’d known each other for years. We were at school together then uni.’ She stopped and bit her lip.

  ‘All the same, boys or very young men are renowned for their fascination with the opposite sex and their eagerness to experiment,’ he said, and waited.

  Sidonie rubbed her mouth. ‘I suppose it does sound strange,’ she said reluctantly and frowned. ‘Of course, I’ve thought about its a lot since it ended—more, possibly, than I did at the time. And you see, I think Peter was as…naïve and lonely as I was. He’d been orphaned when he was about ten and his grandparents brought him up and it was a fairly restricted, old-fashioned sort of upbringing—not that they were ogres or anything like that but I’m sure you know what I mean.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘So…’ she paused ‘…when everyone around us seemed to be pairing up we decided—I mean, we did everything together—sailed, studied, went to parties—and his grandparents approved of me—well, probably because they sensed I wasn’t…much into that,’ she said on a lowering note with a sigh. ‘Of course I should have realised all this then.’

  ‘What did your father think?’

  ‘He seemed to be happy about it! So long, he said, as we didn’t plan to rush into marriage, which we’d actually never even thought about! I wonder why he …?’ She frowned.

  ‘I think I can guess,’ Mike said with some irony. ‘He probably got the same vibes as Peter’s grandparents. Be that as it may—didn’t you indulge in any of the physical side of love?’

  A tinge of colour crept into Sidonie’s cheeks. ‘Not much,’ she confessed with scrupulous honesty, however. ‘But we used to hold hands and put our arms around each other and kiss each other goodnight and it was warm and comfortable and I…and I suppose we thought the rest of it would take care of itself when the time came,’ she finished on a note of something like defiance.

  ‘I wasn’t suggesting otherwise,’ he commented.

  ‘Is that absolutely true?’ she queried a little tartly.

  He smiled briefly. ‘If you must know, what you said represented an innocence that was——rather touching.’

  Sidonie chewed her lip then said bleakly, ‘The only problem, of course, was that while I was cruising along in my innocence love hit him on the head—bonk! Just like that.’ She gestured expressively with the flat of her hand.

  ‘And now you feel it’s happened to you .’

  ‘Not bonk,’ she said with a fleeting grin, but sobered almost immediately. ‘It sort of—grew. Now, though, I know it’s just one of those experiences. Life’s probably full of them—I mean, they feel a bit agonising at the time but they fade away.’

  She felt his hand on the top of her head, very lightly and only for the barest moment. ‘For what it’s worth, Sid, I doubt if the memory of you will ever fade away completely and I’m not worth much agonising over, believe me…I think we should go to bed so we can get an early start.’

  Hamilton Island astounded Sidonie with its high-rise buildings, shops, hotels, airport, harbour and the like.

  ‘After all those uninhabited islands, I can’t believe it,’ she said as Morning Mist was tied up to a berth in the marina.

  ‘It comes as a bit of a surprise,’ Mike agreed, ‘but from a yachtie’s point of view, at least, it’s a cyclone-proof harbour, a handy place to re-provision and it’s always buzzing with life and fun. Tell you what,’ he said, taking in her dazed expression and wide eyes, ‘we might postpone your departure until tomorrow.’

  ‘But I——’

  ‘No,.Sid—look, I’m going ashore for a short while. Just stay put.’ And with that he departed.

  Sidonie occupied herself with her packing while he was away, and the tremulous state of her state of mind. Was there any point in delaying the inevitable? she asked herself, and decided there wasn’t. So I’ll just stick to my guns and go today…

  But he was back before she’d finished packing and he threw an airline ticket down on the island counter.

  ‘What’s this?’ she asked.

  ‘I’ve booked you a flight tomorrow from here to Melbourne via Brisbane.’

  ‘But I might not be able to afford that,’ she protested. ‘I was actually planning to go by coach from Proserpine or somewhere like that on the mainland; I’m sure it would be much cheaper!’

  It might be but Proserpine to Melbourne is not far short of two thousand miles; you’d be exhausted. And I’m paying for this.’

  ‘No.’ Sidonie stared up into his eyes. ‘No, Mike,’ she said. ‘I couldn’t accept it. For one thing, well, I don’t know how you’re placed financially, but, even so, I know you’ve made the gesture because you feel sorry for me and I hate that.’

  ‘All the same, if I have to put you on that plane myself, I will, friend Sid,’ he warned with an odd little glint in his blue eyes that made her lips part and her eyes widen.

  ‘You couldn’t—you wouldn’t do that. Would you?’ she said uncertainly.

  ‘Yes, I would. And for today I’ve hired a buggy and we’ll do the sights of Hamilton Island. Don’t argue, Sid, just bring your hat and sunscreen—oh, one other thing.’ He looked at her with a faint frown in his eyes. ‘Where did you plan to stay when you arrive down there?’

  ‘I…I…’ She stopped and started again with an effort to quell the turmoil of her emotions. ‘I don’t qui
te know. I haven’t, well, had a chance to think about it——’

  ‘Then start thinking,’ he ordered.

  She sat down suddenly and put her hands to her face. ‘I …’

  He sat down opposite her and said more gently, ‘Have you got any girlfriends who could put you up for a few nights until you get—established?’

  Sidonie brightened. ‘Yes, one. We were at school together and she’s got a flat so I don’t suppose she’d mind. Why didn’t I think of that?’

  ‘You’re not renowned for your practicality, that’s all. Give her a ring now. Have you got her number?’

  ‘I know it off by heart but I couldn’t use the sea-phone; it probably costs the earth——’

  ‘Don’t worry about that——’

  ‘No, Mike,’ Sidonie said with real distress in her eyes. ‘She’ll be at work anyway. I’ll ring her tonight from a phone booth. I’m sure there must be some ashore.’

  He stared at her then relented. ‘All right.’ He touched her chin briefly. ‘Don’t look so tragic, though, Miss Livingstone. This may not be your favourite kind of exploring, what we’re about to do, but I guarantee it might surprise you.’

  Hamilton provided quite a few surprises. A fauna park for one thing, a golf driving range on the opposite side of the island, performing dolphins in a pool, a variety of shops and restaurants from a bakery and fishmongers to the boutique Tim Molloy’s Karen had mentioned, which was quite mind-boggling in range and price-wise and even sold fur coats.

  They came across this and other shops in the resort complex after a late lunch which he’d treated her to in the beach bar and grill, saying they deserved some sustenance after all the sightseeing they’d done. It overlooked Catseye Beach, and the only sad moment she had allowed herself was when she saw some sails in the distance.

  But she’d perked up by the time they were wandering down the shopping arcade, and she stopped dead in front of the boutique.

  ‘What?’ Mike queried.

  ‘That hat.’

  ‘That one? It’s a beauty,’ he agreed gravely.

  Sidonie stared at the lovely big straw hat with its upturned brim and garland of lush, full flowers. ‘I’ve got the awful feeling I have to have it,’ she said hollowly. ‘It doesn’t happen to me often—I don’t think it’s ever happened to me before over clothes—well, except those bikinis but that wasn’t quite the same thing—but I just know I’ll be miserable without that hat. Would you have any idea how much hats like that cost?’ she added nervously.

  ‘Let’s go and ask.’

  ‘I…no, I don’t think we should because you might be tempted to buy it for me, and that I could not bear,’ she said with utter determination.

  ‘Sidonie, we’ll go in and ask.’

  ‘Fifty dollars,’ the sleek, attractive but friendly assistant said.

  Sidonie swallowed.

  ‘Why don’t you try it on?’ the girl coaxed. ‘I’ve got the feeling it’s just your hat. There.’ She put it on Sidonie’s head quite straight, fluffed her hair out a bit beneath it and said with genuine admiration, ‘It suits you to a T! And I tell you what, I’ll let it go for forty—we’ve got a new consignment coming in shortly and I’ll be pushed for space.’

  Sidonie stared at herself and blinked because she fully expected this new image of herself to disappear in the blink of an eyelid, this up-market, updated image that was as modern and attractive as many of the girls she’d seen today. ‘I’ll take it,’ she said huskily and, without bothering to remove the hat, dug hastily into her purse and pressed two twenty-dollar notes on the girl before Mike could do anything.

  He was still looking amused as they left the shop—she was still wearing the hat. ‘If I’ve ever seen a case of love at first sight, this is it,’ he murmured. ‘I trust you won’t attempt to sleep in it?’

  ‘Not on your life! I’m going to cherish this hat,’ she said jauntily, and stopped to admire her reflection in a plate-glass window. ‘By the way,’ she added, turning to him, ‘thank you for a lovely day.’

  He smiled. ‘You’re easily pleased, kid.’

  But the day wasn’t over because they discovered Tim Molloy and Karen sitting nonchalantly in the cockpit of Morning Mist drinking beer.

  Mike groaned. ‘I thought we’d given you two the slip.’

  ‘Is that any way to greet an old friend?’ Tim complained. ‘You didn’t tell us you were coming into Hamilton by the way!’

  ‘We weren’t but—Sidonie is going home tomorrow.’

  ‘And we’ve just farewelled our friends so we’re at a bit of a loose end—I say, why don’t we have dinner at Mariner’s tonight? What do you reckon, Sid? On your last night. And I must tell you that’s a simply smashing hat!’

  It was a mixed experience for Sidonie, her last night. Perhaps easier than spending it alone with Mike, she thought, but of course in her heart of hearts she would have loved to do just that. Then there was the surprise of Mike in a pair of well-cut jeans, and a navy blue, long-sleeved shirt and beautiful, hand-made, by the look of them, polished brown leather shoes—and with his hair trimmed.

  ‘I don’t recognise you!’ she’d said when he’d come back from the barber’s shop.

  He’d grimaced. ‘It was certainly overdue.’

  It was certainly something else too, she decided when they were both ready. The combination of good clothes and short hair took his already compelling looks into the realm of a highly sophisticated man of the world, something she was later to notice was not lost on Karen.

  She herself wore her special dress, as she thought of it, and left her hair loose. The dress was in a polished cotton Liberty print, tiny red and white flowers on a dark green background with a heart-shaped neckline, puffed sleeves and a full skirt. It might not have been the height of fashion but she loved the swirl of the skirt about her legs, she wore red leather flatties with it—and she didn’t realise that she looked no more than eighteen in it.

  Indeed the ghost of a smile touched his lips as his eyes rested on her.

  She raised an eyebrow. ‘No good?’

  ‘On the contrary, it becomes you perfectly.’

  She relaxed and smiled widely. ‘It’s my favourite dress. I’ve actually had it for years but I only wear it on special occasions.’

  ‘It would go well with your hat too—shall we surrender ourselves to the Molloy party?’

  ‘Why not?’

  The Molloy party was in good form considering there were only two of them. Karen was especially animated and looked stunning in a scarlet trouser suit that set off her dark looks spectacularly, and Tim was his usual outsize, genial self.’

  But Sidonie couldn’t help wondering if he was unaware that Karen had been somewhat bowled over by Mike in a new way, although she’d recovered her poise immediately.

  Yet it was a friendly, lively meal and, of course, because of the proximity of yacht-race week, Hamilton was buzzing, causing Sidonie some more amazement. There were people everywhere, there was as band playing in the bandstand and people dancing in the street—one wild and woolly-looking young man even approached her and asked her to dance with him and she was quite relieved when Mike took her hand in his from then on as they strolled back to the boat.

  It was Tim’s and Karen’s farewells that undid her a bit then Mike had invited them on board for coffee but when they stood up to leave Tim gave her at bear-hug, told her that if ever she needed some orthodontistry to be sure and go and see him, he’d give her a cut rate—they’d discovered that Melbourne was their mutual home town—and Karen had hugged her warmly as well, and for some strange reason it brought tears to her eyes.

  Of course she hid them on the pretext of blowing her nose but once they’d gone Mike said, ‘You made quite a hit with those two despite your awful suspicions about them.’

  ‘I know, that was silly of me, I guess,’ she said huskily, shadows of tiredness and strain touching her face.

  And she thought she discerned an odd expression i
n his eyes before he seemed to relax deliberately, and say, ‘Bed for you, I think, my dear. You’ve got a big day tomorrow.’

  She nodded. ‘Goodnight—I’m not going to bother you with any emotional farewells tomorrow.’ She tried to smile. ‘So I’ll just say thanks now, for everything.’ And she turned away immediately. He didn’t stop her or say anything further.

  It occurred to her as she lay in her bunk for the last time that she couldn’t be entirely sad, although she certainly was hauntingly so for the most part. But there was also a part of her that could never regret loving Mike Brennan, it seemed. She tried to work it out as she lay in a still, small mound beneath the covers—and decided it almost came naturally to her, just like breathing. And as such it appeared to involve a deep concern for his welfare which so obviously didn’t lie with her. But it translates to this, she reflected; I couldn’t help but be happy to know he was happy, I can’t change the way l feel and it seems to be a good thing that’s happened to me; maybe that sounds crazy but I can’t help it. So if I hold on to that…perhaps I’ll be able to get through…whatever comes next.

  It was a hot, bright morning as. they sat side by side in the small airport terminal and watched happy holiday-makers stream off the jet that would shortly be winging her away south.

  It was also obvious to her that Mike was not in a good mood and she had the feeling it had to do with what she wore—the same outfit she’d had on the day they’d met.

  ‘Mike,’ she said patiently but flickered him a wary little glance, ‘I know you told me not to wear these kind of clothes, and if it makes you happier I’ll throw them away when I get home, but it’s the only sensible outfit I’ve got for flying to Melbourne—it could be freezing down there. So you see, I can be practical if I have to.’

  He turned to look, at her in silence for a long moment—at the high-buttoned collar of her thick white cotton shirt, then her face, which had acquired the faintest golden bloom from the sun, her hair not in a bun but tied back tidily, the hound’s-tooth skirt and flat black shoes and her bag and boarding—card clutched in her hands, her new hat set carefully on the vacant chair beside her. Then he smiled perfunctorily. ‘I know.’