A Dyslexic Walks Into a Bra

by Nick Harris

  Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the cleric started shouting and waving his finger in the boy’s face. ‘Where is God?’

  At that, the boy ran from the room and met up with his older brother outside.

  ‘What happened?’ asked the nine-year-old.

  The younger boy replied: ‘We’re in big trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!’

  A young boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked him if he had a lot of laundry to do.

  ‘Oh no, I don’t have any laundry to do,’ said the boy. ‘I’m going to wash my puppy.’

  ‘You shouldn’t use detergent on your puppy,’ advised the grocer. ‘It’s very powerful. If you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.’

  But the boy refused to listen and bought the detergent anyway.

  A week later, he was back in the store buying some chocolate. The grocer asked him how his dog was.

  ‘Oh, he died,’ said the boy.

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ said the grocer, ‘but I did try to warn you about using that detergent on your puppy.’

  ‘I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him,’ said the boy.

  ‘Oh,’ said the grocer. ‘What was it then?’

  ‘I think it was the spin cycle.’

  When she got home from school, a six-year-old girl told her mother that Timmy Morrison had kissed her after class.

  ‘How did that happen?’ asked her mother, shocked by the revelation.

  ‘It wasn’t easy,’ said the daughter. ‘Three other girls had to hold him down for me!’

  While his wife was enjoying a night out with her friends, a husband relaxed and watched TV. But he was interrupted when their ten-year-old son, who had been watching his own TV in his room, appeared in the doorway and asked: ‘What’s love juice?’

  Choking on his beer, the dad decided that perhaps it was time to explain a few things to the boy. ‘Well son,’ he said, ‘one day when you’re older you’ll meet a girl you really like and you’ll get aroused and your penis will get hard. You will touch the girl all over and when you reach the top of her leg it will feel wet. This is her love juice coming out of her vagina, which means that she is ready for sexual intercourse.’

  The son looked puzzled and said: ‘Okay, Dad, thanks.’

  As the boy was about to leave the room, the dad said: ‘Hang on, son, what are you watching up there to make you ask such a question?’

  The son replied: ‘Wimbledon.’

  Computers and the Internet

  An artist, a lawyer and a computer programmer were discussing the merits of a mistress.

  The artist enthused: ‘A mistress has energy and passion and there is always that thrill of being discovered.’

  But the lawyer warned: ‘It can lead to a costly divorce and bankruptcy, so it’s not worth the risk.’

  The computer programmer said: ‘Taking a mistress is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress, my mistress thinks I’m at home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!’

  Preparing to move into a new house, Bill Gates phoned the building contractor.

  Bill: ‘There are a few issues we need to discuss.’

  Contractor: ‘You have your basic support option. Calls are free for the first thirty days but after that it’s fifty dollars a call. Okay?’

  Bill: ‘Uh, yeah, I guess so. The first issue is the living room. It’s a bit smaller than we anticipated.’

  Contractor: ‘Yes. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.’

  Bill: ‘We won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there.’

  Contractor: ‘Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room or you can use a stacker.’

  Bill: ‘What’s a stacker?’

  Contractor: ‘It allows you fit twice as much furniture into a room, simply by stacking it. So you put your TV on the couch and your chairs on the table. The idea is you leave an empty spot so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you’re finished with it.’

  Bill: ‘Uh, I’m not sure about that . . . Issue two is the light fittings. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won’t fit. The threads run the wrong way.’

  Contractor: ‘You’ll have to upgrade to new bulbs.’

  Bill: ‘And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?’

  Contractor: ‘Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.’

  Bill: ‘You’re kidding!’

  Contractor: ‘No, it’s the only way.’

  Bill: ‘Well, I have one last problem. Sometimes when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won’t stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers won’t work.’

  Contractor: ‘That’s a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources, thereby preventing access from other fixtures.’

  Bill: ‘And how do I fix that?’

  Contractor: ‘Well, after each flush, you need to leave the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can get back to work.’

  Bill: ‘This is crazy! What kind of product are you selling me?’

  Contractor: ‘If you don’t like it, nobody made you buy it.’

  Bill: ‘When will it all be fixed?’

  Contractor: ‘In your next house, which we’ll be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we’ve had some delays . . .’

  Why Computers Are Male

  In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

  They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

  They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

  As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

  Big power surges knock them out for the night.

  They’ll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won’t do more than they have to and they won’t think of it on their own.

  Why Computers Are Female

  No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

  They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

  Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

  You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it’s wrong.

  The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your monthly salary on accessories for it.

  A computer programmer had not been seen for two weeks, so worried work colleagues notified the police. When officers broke down the door of his apartment, they found him dead in the shower, an empty bottle of shampoo lying next to his body.

  The inquest stated that he had died from a combination of exposure and exhaustion, which left detectives baffled until they read the instructions on the shampoo bottle – ‘Wet hair. Apply shampoo. Rinse. Repeat.’

  A truck driver hauling a load of computers stopped at a roadside bar for a beer. As he entered, he saw a big sign on the door that read: ‘COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.’

  The bartender eyed the trucker suspiciously: ‘I can smell computers on you. I hope you’re not a nerd.’

  ‘No, I’m not,’ said the trucker, ‘but I’m carrying a load of computers today. That’s what the smell is.’

  ‘That’s okay then,’ said the bartender, serving him his beer.

  Just then, a skinny guy walked into the bar wearing black-rimmed glasses held together with tape and with a row of pens and pencils in his breast pocket. Without saying a word, the bartender pulled out a shotgun and shot him dead.

/>   ‘What did you do that for?’ asked the trucker.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ said the bartender. ‘The computer nerds are in season because they’re overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a licence to shoot them.’

  After finishing his drink, the trucker resumed his journey but half a mile down the highway he had to swerve violently to avoid another vehicle. The back doors of his truck fell open and his load of computers spilled out onto the road. By the time he had got round to the back of his truck to assess the damage, dozens of computer geeks had already gathered and were running off with the computers. He couldn’t risk losing the entire load so, remembering the incident in the bar, he pulled out his gun and shot several of them dead on the spot.

  Seconds later, a highway patrol car screeched to a halt and a police officer jumped out and ordered the trucker to stop shooting at once.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ said the trucker. ‘I thought computer nerds were in season.’

  ‘They are,’ said the officer. ‘But you’re not allowed to bait ’em!’

  How can a woman stop her husband from reading her emails?

  – Rename the file ‘Instruction Manuals’.

  At a software management engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: ‘If you had just boarded an aeroplane and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?’

  Everybody raised their hands except one man. When asked what he would do, he replied: ‘I’d be quite happy to stay on board. Because with my team’s software, the plane would be unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off!’

  Signs That Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

  You start receiving emails from some guy called Fluffy.

  There are traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

  eBay informs you that your five-hundred-dollar bid for a toy mouse has been successful.

  Your hard drive contains a number of recently downloaded photos of roast chicken.

  Your web browser has a new home page – http://www.catfancy.com

  All dog websites have been deleted from ‘My Favourite Places’.

  Your mouse has teeth marks in it and a strange aroma of tuna.

  Your history of recently visited sites shows several related to garden birds.

  Three women were comparing their sex lives.

  The first said: ‘My husband is an architect. Our love-making has power, form and function.’

  The second said: ‘My husband is an artist. Our love-making has passion, emotion and vision.’

  The third said: ‘My husband works for Microsoft. When we make love he sits at the end of the bed in the dark telling me how great it will be when we finally get started.’

  Crossing the Road Jokes

  Why did the chicken cross the road? – He wanted to be poultry in motion.

  Why did the chicken cross the road halfway? – Because she wanted to lay it on the line.

  Why did the piece of chewing gum cross the road? – It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

  Why did the rubber chicken cross the road? – To stretch his legs.

  Why did the chicken cross the playground? – To get to the other slide.

  Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? – He heard the referee calling fouls.

  Why did the chicken cross the muddy road and not come back? – Because he didn’t want to be a dirty double-crosser.

  Why did the duck cross the road? – To prove he wasn’t chicken.

  Why did the giraffe cross the road? – It was the chicken’s day off.

  Why did the cow cross the road? – To get to the udder side.

  Why did the turtle cross the road? – To get to the shell station.

  Why did the sheep cross the road? – To get to the baa baa shop.

  Why did the man with one arm cross the road? – To get to the second-hand shop.

  Why did the hedgehog cross the road? – He wanted to see his flat mate.

  Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? – Because it had no guts.

  Why did the dinosaur cross the road? – Because chickens hadn’t been invented yet.

  Death

  An archaeologist was digging in an Israeli desert when he came across a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a museum to report: ‘I’ve just discovered the three-thousand-year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure.’

  The curator said: ‘Bring it in. We’ll see if you’re right.’

  Six weeks later, the curator phoned the archaeologist. ‘Congratulations! You were absolutely spot on about the mummy’s age and cause of death. But how on earth did you know?’

  ‘It was easy,’ said the archaeologist. ‘There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, “Ten thousand shekels on Goliath”.’

  Did you hear about the man who was chopping carrots with the Grim Reaper?

  – He was dicing with death.

  A terminally ill man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. ‘Be honest with me, doc,’ he said. ‘How long have I got?’

  ‘I’d be surprised if you survive the night,’ replied the physician gloomily.

  ‘Okay,’ said the man. ‘I’d like you to fetch me my lawyer.’

  When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for the physician to stand on one side of the bed while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then closed his eyes.

  After a few minutes, the physician asked him what he was thinking about.

  The man replied: ‘Jesus died with a thief on either side. I thought I’d check out the same way.’

  On their first trip from the city, a pair of hunters were out in the woods when one of them suddenly collapsed. He didn’t appear to be breathing and his eyes looked lifeless. The other hunter quickly called the emergency services on his mobile phone. He gasped to the operator: ‘My friend is dead. What should I do?’

  In a reassuring voice, the operator said: ‘Okay, stay calm. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

  The operator heard silence, then the sound of a gunshot. The hunter’s voice came back on the line. ‘Okay. Now what?’

  Two men were riding down the road on a motorcycle. The driver was wearing a leather jacket with a broken zip and eventually he stopped to tell his pillion passenger: ‘I can’t drive any longer with the cold wind hitting me in my chest.’ So he decided to put the jacket on backwards to guard against the onrushing wind chill.

  They set off again but a mile further on he took a corner too fast and smashed into a tree. A farmer who lived nearby was first on the scene.

  Shortly afterwards a police car pulled up. Looking at the wreckage, the police officer asked the farmer: ‘Are either of them showing any signs of life?’

  ‘Well,’ said the farmer, ‘the first one was until I turned his head around the right way.’

  A lawyer was reading out the will of a wealthy man to all of the people mentioned in the document.

  ‘To you, my loving wife Susan who stood by me through thick and thin, I leave you the house and three million dollars. To my darling daughter Becky who looked after me when my health failed and never once complained, I leave you my yacht, the business and one million dollars. And to my brother Neville who argued with me constantly, hated my guts and thought that I would never mention him in my will . . . well you were wrong. Hi, Neville!’

  A man went to the doctor for his annual physical. The man was shocked when the doctor told him: ‘You’ve only got three weeks to live.’

  ‘That can’t be right!’ said the man. ‘I feel fine. Isn’t there anything that can be done?’

  ‘Well,’ said the doctor, ‘you could try taking a mud bath every day.’

  ‘And will that cure me?’ asked the man hopefully.

  ‘No, but it will get you used to the dirt.’

  A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who had
passed away recently.

  ‘When he was on his deathbed, Edward told me that he had three envelopes in his desk drawer that would take care of all the arrangements. Well, he died shortly afterwards, so I opened the drawer, and there were the three envelopes, just like he had said.

  ‘On the first envelope Edward had written “for the coffin”. There were five thousand dollars in the envelope, so I bought him a nice coffin.

  ‘On the second envelope Edward had written “for the expenses”. There were four thousand dollars in that envelope, so I used the money to pay all the funeral bills.