A Dyslexic Walks Into a Bra

by Nick Harris

  ‘On the third envelope Edward had written “for the stone”. There were three thousand dollars in that.’

  Holding her hand out to her friends, she said: ‘And isn’t it beautiful?’

  Eric was walking along the road when he saw a funeral procession approaching. Two hearses were followed by a man walking with a pitbull terrier on a lead. Behind the man and dog were about a hundred other men walking in single file.

  Curious as to the nature of the procession, Eric asked the man with the dog: ‘Excuse me, I don’t wish to appear intrusive but could you tell me whose funeral this is?’

  The man replied: ‘The first hearse is for my wife. She died after my dog attacked her. And the second hearse is for my mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her and savaged her to death, too.’

  Eric thought for a moment and said: ‘Is there any chance I could borrow your dog?’

  Indicating the line of people behind him, the man said: ‘Join the queue!’

  Quasimodo placed an advert in a newspaper for an assistant bell ringer. There was one applicant for the post, but he had no arms.

  ‘How will you be able to assist me?’ asked Quasimodo.

  ‘I’ll show you,’ replied the man who proceeded to run at the bell and strike it with his head.

  ‘That’s incredible!’ exclaimed Quasimodo. ‘Can you show me that again?’

  ‘Sure,’ said the man, and he ran at the bell again, but this time he missed the bell completely and fell to his death from the tower.

  A crowd soon gathered around the corpse lying in the street. A police officer asked: ‘Does anyone know who he is?’

  Quasimodo said: ‘I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.’

  Doctors and Nurses

  A woman was asked to give a talk on the power of prayer to her local women’s group. With her husband sitting in the audience, she recounted how they had turned to God when her husband suffered an unfortunate accident.

  ‘Six months ago,’ she began, ‘my husband Keith was knocked off his bicycle and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him. They warned that our lives might never be the same again. Keith was unable to get close to either me or the children and every move caused him enormous discomfort. It meant we could no longer touch him around the scrotum.

  ‘So we prayed that the doctors would be able to repair him. Fortunately our prayers were answered and they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Keith’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place. They said he should make a complete recovery and regain full use of his scrotum.’

  As the audience burst into spontaneous applause, a lone man walked up to the stage. He announced: ‘Good afternoon. My name is Keith, and I just want to tell my wife once again that the word is “sternum”.’

  A woman went to the doctor’s surgery where she was seen by one of the new young medics. But a few minutes later, she screamed, ran from the examination room in tears and hurried straight home.

  A senior doctor witnessed the distressing scene and asked the young doctor what the problem was.

  ‘I told her she was pregnant,’ he said.

  ‘What are you talking about?!’ exclaimed the older doctor. ‘Mrs Petty is seventy-three, she has two grown-up children and five grandchildren – and you told her she was pregnant?!’

  ‘Well,’ smiled the young doctor, ‘it cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?’

  What does it mean when the doctor says you have six months to live?

  – You have five months to pay.

  A man went to the doctor to say he was having problems sleeping.

  ‘Listen,’ said the doctor, ‘if you want to cure your insomnia, you’re going to have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.’

  ‘I know,’ said the man, ‘but my wife refuses to sleep alone.’

  A newspaper proprietor went to the doctor and said: ‘Doctor, I think I’m suffering from anxiety. You see, my paper has lost a hundred thousand readers over the past year.’

  ‘Okay,’ said the doctor. ‘I’ll prescribe you some tablets.’

  ‘Will they cure my anxiety?’

  ‘No, but they’ll improve your circulation.’

  ‘Doctor, doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade.’

  ‘Don’t panic. I’m coming right away. Have you done anything yet?’

  ‘Yes, I shaved with the electric razor.’

  ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t stop singing “Green Green Grass of Home”.’

  ‘Ah, you seem to be suffering from Tom Jones Syndrome.’

  ‘Really. Is it common?’

  ‘It’s not unusual.’

  One afternoon two doctors from India were having a heated discussion. ‘I say it’s spelled W-H-O-O-M,’ said the first Indian doctor.

  The second Indian doctor disagreed. ‘No, it’s W-H-O-M-B.’

  An American nurse, who was passing, said: ‘Actually you’re both wrong. It’s spelled W-O-M-B.’

  ‘Thank you, nurse,’ said one of the doctors, ‘but we prefer to settle this argument among ourselves. Besides, we don’t think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant passing wind under water.’

  ‘Doctor, doctor, my wife has lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?’

  ‘Try coming home at three o’clock in the morning.’

  ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t get to sleep.’

  ‘Try sitting on the edge of the bed. You’ll soon drop off.’

  A wealthy businessman injured his leg in a weekend skiing accident. By the time he got home on the Saturday night, his leg was badly swollen and he was struggling to walk, so he called his doctor at home. The doctor advised soaking it in hot water, but this caused the leg to swell up even more.

  Seeing him limping in agony, the businessman’s maid said: ‘It’s probably not my place because after all I’m only a humble maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, rather than hot, to reduce swelling.’

  So he took her advice, switched to cold water, and the swelling quickly went down.

  The following afternoon he called his doctor again to complain. ‘What am I paying you for?’ he demanded. ‘Your advice was useless. You told me to soak my leg in hot water, and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water, and it got better.’

  ‘Really?’ said the doctor. ‘I don’t understand it; my maid said hot water.’

  ‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a dog.’

  ‘How long have you had these symptoms?’

  ‘Ever since I was a puppy.’

  A woman went to the doctor. After examining her, the doctor said: ‘I’m not sure what it is. You either have a bad cold or you’re pregnant.’

  ‘I must be pregnant,’ said the woman. ‘I don’t know anyone who could have given me a cold.’

  A patient went to see a doctor.

  The doctor asked: ‘Do you smoke?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Do you drink?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Do you eat fast food?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll find something.’

  Two strangers – a man and a woman – were drinking and chatting together in a bar, and after a while they realized they were both doctors. They got on so well that after about an hour the man said: ‘Why don’t we go back to your place? We can have some fun. No strings attached.’

  The woman doctor agreed, and they went back to her apartment. While he lay on the bed, she went into the bathroom and started scrubbing and cleaning herself meticulously. This went on for about ten minutes. Finally she emerged and they had sex.

  Afterwards he said: ‘You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?’

  ‘Yes,’ she replied. ‘How did you know?’

  ‘I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.’

  ‘Yes, I suppose that was a giveaway,’ she agreed. ‘
And you’re an anaesthetist, aren’t you?’

  ‘Yes, I am,’ said the man, surprised. ‘How did you know?’

  The woman answered: ‘Because I didn’t feel a thing.’

  ‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m suffering from déjà vu.’

  ‘Didn’t I see you yesterday?’

  A man walked into the doctor’s office with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ear.

  ‘That’s strange,’ said the doctor.

  The man said: ‘That’s just the tip of the iceberg.’

  At the height of her career, a famous artist began to lose her eyesight. Afraid that it might wreck her work, she consulted a leading eye doctor, and following several months of delicate surgery her eyesight was restored.

  She was so grateful that she offered to repaint the doctor’s office in her own highly individual style. The finished work included a huge eye painted on one wall.

  At a press conference to unveil the new artwork, the doctor was asked: ‘What was your first reaction on seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?’

  The eye doctor replied: ‘I said to myself, “Thank goodness I’m not a gynaecologist!”’

  ‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck in my ear.’

  ‘How’s that?’

  ‘Oh, don’t start . . . ’

  A doctor told his patient: ‘There’s good news and bad news.’

  ‘Tell me the bad news first,’ said the patient nervously.

  ‘Well, I have the results of your tests and I’m afraid you have less than two weeks to live.’

  The patient’s heart sank. ‘So what’s the good news?’

  The doctor said: ‘Did you notice that sexy blonde on reception? I’m dating her.’

  A man went to the doctor’s, complaining of feeling generally unwell. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and was amazed to find hundreds of dollar bills stuffed in the patient’s ears.

  When he had finished counting them, the doctor said: ‘There was exactly one thousand, nine hundred and fifty dollars in there.’

  ‘That figures,’ said the man. ‘I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand.’

  A man went to the doctor and said: ‘Doctor, can you cure my sleepwalking?’

  ‘Try these,’ the doctor advised, handing him a small box.

  ‘Are they sleeping pills?’

  ‘No, they’re tin tacks. Sprinkle them on the floor.’

  A patient told his doctor: ‘Those pills you gave me are working fine but there’s just one problem: they make me walk like a crab.’

  ‘Ah,’ said the doctor. ‘Those will be the side effects.’

  A woman accompanied her sick husband to the doctor’s office. After examining him, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told her: ‘I’m afraid your husband is suffering from an extremely serious disease, coupled with severe stress. If you don’t follow my instructions for his care, he will die.

  Each morning, you must make him a healthy breakfast. For lunch make him a nutritious meal, and for dinner cook him whatever he asks for. Above all, he must not do any chores around the house nor must he be subjected to anything stressful. You must wait on him at all times, attending to his every need. If you can do this for the next eighteen months, I think your husband will pull through.’

  As she left the office and closed the door behind her, her husband asked anxiously: ‘What did the doctor say?’

  She replied: ‘He says you’re going to die.’

  Drunks

  A drunk was driving the wrong way down a one-way street when a police officer pulled him over.

  ‘Didn’t you see the arrows?’ asked the officer.

  ‘Arrows?’ repeated the driver in a slurred voice. ‘I didn’t even see the Indians!’

  A man whispered to the bartender: ‘I got so drunk last night, I ended up snogging my best friend.’

  ‘That must have been really embarrassing,’ said the bartender.

  ‘It was,’ said the man. ‘I could hardly face taking him for a walk this morning.’

  Late one night, a drunk was crawling around on his hands and knees beneath a street light, obviously searching for something. A passer-by offered to help.

  ‘What have you lost?’ he asked.

  ‘My watch,’ replied the drunk. ‘It fell off when I tripped over the kerb.’

  The passer-by helped him search but after fifteen minutes there was still no sign of the missing watch.

  ‘Where exactly did you trip?’ asked the passer-by.

  ‘About two hundred yards back there,’ answered the drunk.

  ‘So why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it two hundred yards up the street?’

  The drunk said: ‘Because the lighting is much better here.’

  A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. ‘I don’t believe it!’ he groaned: ‘They’ve stolen the radio, the glove compartment, the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator.’

  Five minutes later, the phone at the police station rang again. It was the same drunk. ‘Sorry,’ he slurred. ‘I just realized I got in the back seat by mistake.’

  A drunk boarded a bus late one night and staggered along the centre gangway. Then he stopped and shouted that everyone in the seats to his right was an idiot and that everyone in the seats to his left was an asshole.

  An angry passenger immediately stood up and said: ‘How dare you! I’m not an idiot!’

  The drunk said: ‘So move to the other side.’

  A drunk stumbled across a baptismal service one Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeded to stand in the water next to the preacher.

  After a minute or so, the preacher turned to him and said: ‘Brother, are you ready to find Jesus?’

  ‘Yes, I am,’ replied the drunk unsteadily.

  The preacher then pushed the drunk’s head under water before pulling him back up. ‘Have you found Jesus?’ he asked.

  ‘No, I haven’t,’ said the drunk.

  The preacher then held him under water for a longer period before bringing him back up and asking: ‘Now have you found Jesus?’

  Wiping the water from his eyes, the drunk replied: ‘No, I haven’t.’

  So the preacher held the drunk’s head forcefully under water for over thirty seconds before dragging him back up and bellowing: ‘Have you found Jesus yet?’

  Spitting fountains of water from his mouth, the drunk steadied himself and said to the preacher: ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’

  Did you hear about the guy who got drunk and collapsed in a heap beside the bar?

  – It caused a major delay in the gymnastics competition.

  A stout woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. A drunk sitting nearby called out: ‘Where did you get that pig?’

  ‘It’s not a pig,’ snapped the woman. ‘It’s a duck.’

  The drunk said: ‘I was talking to the duck!’

  Why did John call his father-in-law the exorcist?

  – Because whenever he visited he rid the house of spirits.

  Two drunks were sitting in a bar when one accidentally threw up all over himself. ‘Oh, no!’ he groaned. ‘My wife will give me hell when she sees this.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ said the second drunk. ‘I’ll tell you what to do. Put twenty dollars in your shirt pocket, and when your wife asks what the money’s for, tell her that a man threw up over you and gave you twenty dollars to get your shirt cleaned.’

  ‘Hey, that’s a great idea,’ said the first drunk.

  When he returned home later in the evening, his wife was predictably angry. ‘Look at the state of you!’ she yelled. ‘You’re covered in vomit!’

  ‘It wasn’t my fault,’ said the drunk. ‘A man threw up over me and gave me twenty dollars to have my shirt cleaned. Look, here’s the money.’ And with that he lifted the cash from his shirt pocket.

  ‘But there’s forty dollars here!’ said th
e wife.

  ‘Ah, yes,’ replied the drunk. ‘I forget to mention, he pooped in my underpants, too.’

  A drunk fell down the steps of the Hilton Hotel, stumbled to a waiting cab and, climbing in, said to the driver: ‘Take me to the Hilton.’

  ‘We’re already there,’ replied the taxi driver.

  ‘That’s great,’ said the drunk. ‘But next time, don’t drive so fast.’

  After a night on the town, a husband lurched home at three o’clock in the morning. Just as he stepped through the front door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times. Realizing that the clock would almost certainly wake his wife, he cuckooed another nine times.

  The next morning his wife asked him what time he had arrived home.

  ‘Twelve o’clock,’ he answered.

  When she didn’t argue, he was sure his deception had worked. But then she added: ‘By the way we really must get a new cuckoo clock. Last night it cuckooed three times, said “damn”, cuckooed another four times, belched, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed twice more and giggled!’

  A police officer stopped a drunk who was staggering along the street at five o’clock in the morning.