A Dyslexic Walks Into a Bra

by Nick Harris

  The officer said: ‘Can you explain why you’re out at this hour?’

  The drunk replied: ‘If I could, I’d be home by now!’

  A drunk staggered down to hotel reception and demanded a change of room. He was so insistent that the receptionist decided to call the manager.

  ‘What exactly is the problem?’ asked the manager.

  ‘I want another room,’ said the drunk.

  ‘But I see you’re in room 562. That’s one of the best rooms in the hotel.’

  ‘I don’t care,’ said the drunk. ‘I want another room.’

  ‘Very well, sir. Our aim is always to please our guests. So if you’re adamant, we can move you from 562 to 575. But would you mind telling me what you don’t like about your room?’

  ‘Well,’ said the drunk, ‘for a start, it’s on fire.’

  A police officer saw a drunk wandering home in a smart neighbourhood. Suspicious because the man was struggling to get his key in the door lock, the officer approached him and asked: ‘Are you sure this is your house, sir?’

  ‘Absolutely,’ said the drunk. ‘And if you follow me in, I’ll prove it to you.’

  As they entered the living room, the drunk said: ‘See that couch? That’s mine, that is. And see that piano? That’s mine, too.’

  Then he led the officer gingerly upstairs. ‘See,’ slurred the drunk. ‘This is my bedroom. See the bed? That’s mine. See the woman lying in the bed? That’s my wife. And see the guy lying next to her . . . ?’

  ‘Yes . . .’ said the officer, more suspicious than ever.

  ‘Well, that’s me!’

  Two men were sitting in a bar when one turned to the other and said: ‘You see that guy over there? Don’t you think he looks just like me?’

  The man went over to his doppelgänger and said: ‘Excuse me, but I couldn’t help noticing that you’re a dead ringer for me.’

  ‘You’re right, I do look like you.’

  ‘Where are you from?’

  ‘Dublin.’

  ‘Me, too.’

  ‘Which street?’

  ‘Ballymount Drive.’

  ‘Ballymount Drive? That’s incredible! That’s my street, too. What number?’

  ‘Sixty-three.’

  ‘Sixty-three! I don’t believe it! Me, too. What are your parents’ names?’

  ‘Pat and Josephine.’

  ‘Pat and Josephine! Unbelievable! So are mine!’

  Just then the bartenders changed shifts. ‘Anything much happened?’ asked the new bartender.

  ‘Not really,’ said the old one. ‘Oh, except the O’Malley twins are drunk again.’

  The Inebriation Scale

  0. Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

  1. Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

  2. Beer warming up head. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse/barman complimented on nice shirt.

  3. Nicely mellow. Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/barman complimented on his boxers.

  4. Have brilliant discussion with guy at bar. Devise foolproof scheme for winning lottery. Agree that people are same world over except for bloody French.

  5. Feel like a demigod. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Phone parents and tell them you love them. Phone girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing arse.

  6. Send drinks over to attractive woman/man on night out with friends. Start kissing total strangers.

  7. Some slurring of words. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in bar. Lots of people say yes. Go round hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

  8. Headache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say, ‘That’s much better.’ Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing ‘Out of order’ sign.

  9. Some doubling of vision. Room suddenly full of identical twins. Offer to have someone’s baby. Become very loud. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice gaping head wound.

  10. Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.

  11. Put in taxi by somebody. Vomit on back seat. Taxi driver throws you out of cab after relieving you of a hundred dollars for cleaning bill. Fall in hedge. Stagger home. Accidentally kick over milk bottle on front step, waking all neighbours. At ninth attempt, successfully get key in door. Slump in hallway, generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

  Ethnic Jokes

  American

  A New Yorker was visiting Texas around Christmas. He admired the nativity scene in the town square but was puzzled why the three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. So he decided to ask an old woman who happened to be passing.

  ‘I’m not from these parts, ma’am,’ said the visitor, ‘and I don’t understand why the three wise men are wearing firemen’s helmets.’

  The old woman snarled: ‘You damn Yankees! You never read your Bible!’

  ‘I do,’ he protested, ‘but I don’t recall anything in the Bible about firemen.’

  She produced a Bible from her bag and flicked through the pages. Then waving the book under his nose, she said triumphantly: ‘See, mister, it says right here: “The three wise men came from afar . . .”’

  How do you know when your relationship with a Californian girl is getting serious?

  – She takes you to meet her Tarot Card reader.

  Two young girls – Paige and Taylor – were in the lunchroom of a Beverly Hills elementary school.

  ‘Guess what?’ said Paige. ‘My mommy’s getting married again, so I’m going to have a new daddy.’

  ‘Who’s she marrying?’ asked Taylor.

  ‘Kurt Murray,’ said Paige. ‘He’s a famous Hollywood actor.’

  ‘Oh, you’ll like him,’ said Taylor. ‘He was my daddy last year.’

  A teenage boy from Detroit called directory enquiries. ‘Hello, operator,’ he said, ‘I want the telephone number for Nathan Kelly in New York City.’

  The operator said: ‘There are multiple listings for Nathan Kelly in New York City. Do you have a street name?’

  The boy said: ‘Well, my friends call me The Iceman.’

  A city slicker pulled into a one-street town in the wilds of Montana. The place was deserted apart from an old-timer sitting outside the general store.

  ‘What do you folks do around here?’ asked the city slicker.

  The old-timer replied slowly: ‘We don’t do nothin’ but hunt ’n’ screw.’

  ‘What do you hunt?’

  ‘Somethin’ to screw.’

  A Texan went to Toronto on vacation. On the cab ride from the airport to his downtown hotel, he passed Queens Park.

  ‘What’s that?’ asked the Texan.

  ‘Oh, that’s the Pink Palace,’ said the cab driver. ‘It’s our provincial government – it’s like your state government. Those buildings are over one hundred years old and are pretty big.’

  ‘That’s nothing,’ said the Texan. ‘We have buildings much older than that back home and at least twice as large!’

  Shortly afterwards they passed First Canadian Place.

  ‘What’s that?’ asked the Texan.

  ‘It’s one of the biggest office complexes in the country,’ replied the cab driver. ‘It took nearly four years to build.’

  ‘That’s nothing,’ sneered the Texan. ‘In Houston we have buildings twice that big and built in less than half the time!’

  By now the cab driver was becoming irritated by the Texan’s boasting. Soon they drove past the CN Tower. The Texan leaned out of the window and stared up at the 1,850-foot tower.

  ‘What’s that?’ he asked.

  ‘Damned if I know,’ said the cab driver. ‘It wasn’t there yesterday!’

  Australian

  Backpacking in Australia, a young Englishman ended up with time on his ha
nds in a remote outback town before the next leg of his trip. With nearly two hours until his bus was due, he decided to call in to the town’s only hotel for a beer and something to eat.

  As he walked in, every head at the bar turned to stare out the stranger. The silence was deafening until one of the regulars stood up and announced: ‘I hope you’re not a pervert, because perverts aren’t welcome in this town.’

  ‘No,’ said the young man politely, ‘I assure you I’m not. I’m just waiting for my bus.’

  He ordered a beer and a burger, and after his meal needed to use the toilet. So he asked the bartender where the toilet was.

  ‘The dunny’s out the back,’ growled the bartender, ‘and don’t make a mess!’

  Stepping outside, the young man was horrified to see that the toilets were nothing more than two pits piled high with festering poop. One pile was six feet high, the other four feet high. Bracing himself, he climbed to the top of the smaller pile and did his business. As he climbed down, the guy from the bar appeared and grabbed him around the throat.

  ‘I knew you were a pervert!’ he snarled. ‘You were in the ladies!’

  An Australian guy had been wandering through the outback for months when he arrived at an isolated farm where a pretty girl was standing by the front gate.

  ‘D’ya shag?’ he asked.

  ‘No,’ said the girl. ‘But you’ve talked me into it, you smooth-talking bastard!’

  Chinese

  A man was walking through Chinatown when he saw a sign saying ‘Hans Schmidt’s Chinese Laundry’. Out of curiousity, he went into the shop and was greeted by an elderly Oriental man who introduced himself as Hans Schmidt.

  ‘How come you have a name like that?’ enquired the stranger. ‘You don’t look very German!’

  ‘Is simple,’ said the Oriental shop owner. ‘Many many year ago when come to this country I stand in immigration line behind big German guy. Immigration lady look at him and go, “What your name?” He say, “Hans Schmidt.” Then she look at me and go, “What your name?” I say, “Sam Ting.”’

  English

  Have you heard the one about the thrill-seeking Englishman?

  – He ate his After Eight mints at half past seven.

  On a beautiful spring day in the 1950s, an old man was strolling through the French countryside when over a hedge he spotted a young couple making love in a field.

  Overcoming his initial shock, he thought to himself: ‘Ah, young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C’est magnifique!’ He continued to watch for a few minutes before suddenly recoiling in horror: ‘Mon Dieu!’ he exclaimed. ‘Ze woman, she is dead!’

  He immediately rushed back to town to tell the local police chief. ‘Marcel, Marcel,’ he gasped, ‘zere is zis man, zis woman, naked in Serge Baigneau’s field, making love.’

  The police chief smiled and said: ‘Come, come, Gaston, you are not so old. Remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Zis is okay.’

  ‘Mais non,’ persisted the old man, ‘you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!’

  Hearing this, the police chief jumped on his bicycle and went to investigate. After watching the couple in the field for a few minutes, he rode straight back to town and informed the local doctor. ‘Pierre, Pierre, you must come. I was in Serge Baigneau’s field. Zere is a young couple naked ’aving ze sex!’

  The doctor said calmly: ‘Marcel, you are not so old. Remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. L’amour, it is very natural.’

  ‘No, no, you do not understand,’ said the police chief. ‘Ze woman, she is dead!’

  The doctor grabbed his bag and rushed off to the field. After carefully examining the man and the woman he returned to the police station where the old man and the police chief were waiting.

  ‘Mes amis, do not worry,’ said the doctor. ‘Ze woman, she is not dead at all. She is English!’

  Why does an Englishman laugh three times at a joke?

  – The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, and the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

  Signs That You’re English

  You moan when the weather’s too cold.

  You moan when the weather’s too hot.

  On holiday abroad, you search for somewhere that serves roast beef on a Sunday.

  You eat chips, not fries.

  You think dried pig’s blood is a delicacy.

  You get angry about American TV shows on which the English characters always sound like the Queen.

  First you learned to talk, then you learned to walk, then you learned to queue.

  You’re still mentally at war with Germany, France, Scotland, the American colonies and the Vikings.

  You rarely leave home without an umbrella.

  You understand the rules of cricket.

  You have a proverb to cover any eventuality.

  You think Marty Wilde was just as good as Elvis.

  You don’t expect any form of public transport to run on time.

  You know that if there’s more than an inch of snow on the ground, most of the country will grind to a standstill.

  You talk about the weather at least half a dozen times a day.

  French

  In 2011, a Frenchman went to his local priest and confessed: ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During World War Two, I hid a Jewish man in the attic of my house.’

  ‘That’s not a sin,’ said the priest. ‘It was an act of great kindness.’

  ‘But I made him agree to pay thirty francs for every week he stayed.’

  ‘I admit that wasn’t very charitable,’ said the priest, ‘but you did it for a good cause.’

  ‘Thank you, Father,’ said the man. ‘That is a great relief to me. I have just one more question.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Do I have to tell him the war is over?’

  What do you call a Frenchman who wears sandals?

  – Philippe Philoppe.

  A Frenchman staying at a hotel in New York rang room service for some pepper.

  ‘Black pepper or white pepper?’ asked the voice on the other end.

  ‘No,’ said the Frenchman. ‘Toilet pepper!’

  A Frenchman walked into a bar with a toad on his head.

  ‘What on earth is that?’ asked the bartender.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said the toad. ‘It started as a wart on my ass and just grew!’

  Greek

  A Greek and an Italian were arguing over who had the better culture.

  The Greek said: ‘We have the Parthenon.’

  The Italian responded: ‘And we have the Coliseum.’

  The Greek boasted: ‘We gave birth to advanced mathematics.’

  The Italian countered: ‘Yes, but we built the Roman Empire.’

  Then the Greek played his trump card. ‘But the Greeks’, he said proudly, ‘invented sex!’

  ‘That is true,’ said the Italian, ‘but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!’

  Irish

  Two Irishmen went into a bar in Scotland. One asked the bartender: ‘Is the fishing good around here?’

  ‘Certainly,’ said the bartender. ‘The fish are thick in the water. You don’t even need to put the rod in – you just reach in and pull them out! Big salmon! On your way home tonight, get your friend to hold you over the bridge by your legs and trust me, you’ll be able to pull the salmon out of the water.’

  The two agreed: ‘Yes, we’ll try that when we get to the bridge.’

  So on their way home they came to the bridge and one held the other upside down by his legs, waiting for the salmon. After three minutes, the guy who was hanging down suddenly shouted: ‘Quick! Pull me up!’

  His friend shouted back: ‘Have you caught a salmon?’

  ‘No – there’s a train coming!’

  Three bodies were brought into the mortuary, each victim having a huge smile on his face. The coroner
summoned the chief of police to tell him the causes of death.

  ‘First body: Frenchman. Died, smiling, of heart failure while making love to his mistress.

  ‘Second body: Scotsman. Won the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died, smiling, of alcohol poisoning.

  ‘Third body: Irishman. Died, smiling, after being struck by lightning.’

  ‘Why was the Irishman smiling?’ asked the police chief.

  The coroner said: ‘He thought he was having his picture taken.’

  An Irishman went into a department store and asked the sales assistant: ‘Do you sell potato clocks?’

  ‘Sorry, sir,’ she replied, ‘I’ve never heard of such a thing. We sell digital clocks, alarm clocks, carriage clocks, cuckoo clocks, and even grandfather clocks, but what exactly is a potato clock?’