by Nick Harris
‘Only two?’ said the genie, disappointed. ‘That’s not very good.’
The man said: ‘It is if you’re a priest in a small parish!’
GOOD, BAD, WORSE
Good: Your boyfriend’s exercising.
Bad: So he’ll fit in your clothes.
Good: You come home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: Your mother-in-law’s going home.
Bad: To put her house up for sale.
Good: Your neighbour exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your girlfriend’s got long, soft, dark hair.
Bad: On her top lip.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door naked.
Bad: She’s coming home.
Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It’s performance art.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She’s a lawyer.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son’s room.
Worse: You’re in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your son’s involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your husband’s a cross-dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: You’re arrested for flashing.
Worse: The victim decides it’s not worth pressing charges.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your eight-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.
Good: The mailman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing camouflage gear and carrying a sub-machine gun.
Worse: You put nothing in his Christmas box.
Good: Your wife’s kinky.
Bad: With the neighbours.
Worse: All of them.
Health and Fitness
After going to the hospital for what he thought was merely a routine check-up, a man was devastated to learn that he had the rare deadly disease B55. The doctor told him that he had just one week to live.
Determined to make the most of his final week of life, he decided to fit in as many activities as possible, including take his wife out to bingo one evening. There, he entered the prize draw game. First, he got one line and won fifteen thousand dollars; then he got two lines and won a car; and finally he got a full house and won a holiday for two in the Maldives.
At the end of the round, the bingo caller went over to him and said: ‘You must be the luckiest man in the world! You have won fifteen thousand dollars, a car and a fantastic luxury holiday in just one game!’
‘I’m not that lucky,’ replied the man. ‘I’ve got B55.’
The bingo caller’s face turned to shock and he said: ‘You lucky bastard! You’ve won the raffle as well!’
A man said to his friend: ‘I went to the dentist this morning.’
‘So does your tooth still hurt?’ asked the friend.
‘I don’t know. He kept it.’
A young woman was suffering from terrible toothache but was reluctant to go to the dentist because she was scared of the drill. Eventually she was in such pain that she summoned the courage to go.
‘I am absolutely terrified,’ she told the dentist as she entered the surgery. ‘In fact, I think I’d rather have a baby than have a tooth drilled.’
‘Well,’ said the dentist, ‘make up your mind before I adjust the chair.’
Did you hear about the man who had a phobia of hurdles?
– Eventually he got over it.
An overweight man was advised by his doctor to lose seventy pounds. The doctor recommended that the man should run five miles a day for the next hundred days. Exactly one hundred days later, the patient phoned the doctor.
‘Have you lost the weight?’ asked the doctor.
‘Yes, I have,’ said the man, ‘but I’m not very happy about the situation.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I’m five hundred miles from home!’
A young woman went into an ice cream parlour and ordered a triple ice cream sundae with chocolate sauce, nuts, whipped cream and all topped with a slice of cucumber.
The waiter said: ‘Did I hear you correctly? Did you say you wanted it topped with a slice of cucumber?’
‘Sorry,’ said the woman. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking. Forget the cucumber. I’m on a diet.’
Laws of Dieting
If you eat something when nobody is watching, it has no calories.
When drinking a diet cola while eating a chocolate bar, the calories in the chocolate bar are cancelled out by the diet cola.
Food that is licked off knives, spoons or container lids in the process of preparing a dish has no calories.
Foods that are the same colour have the same number of calories – e.g. spinach and pistachio ice cream.
Broken cookies or chocolate bars contain no calories as the process of breaking causes the calories to fall out.
When you are eating with somebody else, calories don’t count unless you eat more than the other person does.
Movie-related foods such as popcorn don’t count because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of your personal fuel.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
– Slow down and use a lubricant.
In church one Sunday morning, a woman suddenly had a terrible bout of coughing.
Afterwards a friend said to the woman’s husband: ‘I felt really sorry for Sylvia having that coughing fit, and the way everyone turned to look at her.’
‘Don’t worry,’ said the husband. ‘She was wearing a new hat.’
A man tried every known diet in an attempt to lose weight, but none worked. Then one day he spotted an ad in the paper that read: ‘Lose weight, a dollar a pound.’
So he phoned the number in the ad, and the voice on the other end said: ‘How much weight do you want to lose?’
The man answered: ‘Ten pounds.’
The voice replied: ‘Put your cheque in the mail, and we’ll send one of our representatives over to your house first thing in the morning.’
At nine o’clock the next morning there was a knock on the door of the man’s house. He opened it to find a beautiful brunette standing there naked except for a sign around her neck that said: ‘If you catch me, you can screw me.’
The overweight man chased her all over the house – up the stairs, through the kitchen, over the couch and finally he caught her. After fantastic sex, the brunette said: ‘Quick. Go to the bathroom and weigh yourself.’ He did, and discovered that he had lost ten pounds exactly.
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end said: ‘How much weight do you want to lose?’
The man replied: ‘Twenty pounds.’
‘Very well,’ said the voice. ‘Put your cheque in the mail and one of our representatives will be at your house first thing in the morning.’
Sure enough at eight o’clock the next morning there was a knock on the door of the man’s house. He opened it to find a gorgeous blonde wearing only running shoes and with a sign around her neck saying: ‘If you can catch me, you can screw me.’
Even though the man had lost weight, the blonde was extremely agile and the chase took a little longer than before, but eventually he caught her and had amazing sex with her. When he had finished, she said: ‘Quick. Go to the bathroom and weigh yourself.’ He did, and discovered that he had lost twenty pounds exactly.
Scarcely able to believe his luck, the man called the number again that evening. The voice on the other end said: ‘How much weight do you want to lose?’
‘Fifty pounds,’ said the man.
‘Fifty pounds?’ asked the voice. ‘That’s a lot of weight to lose at one time!’
‘Don’t worry,’ said the man. ‘My cheque’s already in the mail. You just have your representative here in the mo
rning.’ Then he hung up.
At seven o’clock the next morning there was a knock on the door of the man’s house. He opened it to find a huge gorilla standing there with a sign around its neck saying: ‘If I catch you, I’m going to screw you.’
Heaven and Hell
A man arrived at the gates of Heaven and St Peter asked: ‘What religion are you?’
‘Methodist,’ replied the man.
St Peter consulted his list and said: ‘Okay, Methodist. Go to room 20 but please be quiet as you pass room 6.’
Moments later, another man arrived at the gates of Heaven.
‘Religion?’ asked St Peter.
‘Catholic,’ said the man.
‘Right, Catholic,’ said St Peter looking at his list. ‘Go to room 15 but be quiet as you pass room 6.’
Meanwhile a third man had arrived at the gates.
‘What religion are you?’ asked St Peter.
‘Baptist,’ said the man.
‘Fine,’ said St Peter. ‘Baptists are in room 28, so go there but be quiet as you pass room 6.’
The Baptist said: ‘I understand why there are different rooms for different religions but why must we be quiet when we pass room 6?’
St Peter said: ‘Because the Jehovah’s Witnesses are in room 6, and they think they’re the only ones here.’
Sister Rosemary, a nun, went to Heaven, but was told by St Peter that there was a waiting list for entry. ‘Go home and relax,’ he suggested. ‘Give me a call in a week and I’ll let you know whether your accommodation is ready.’
The following week she phoned and said: ‘Peter, this is Rosemary. I have a confession to make: I smoked my first-ever cigarette yesterday. Do you think it will affect my chances of getting into Heaven?’
‘We’re not that strict!’ laughed St Peter. ‘So I’m sure one cigarette won’t spoil your chances. But I’m afraid your room still isn’t ready, so give me a call in a week.’
A week later, she called again. ‘Peter, this is Rosemary. I have a confession to make: I had my first-ever alcoholic drink yesterday. Do you think it will affect my chances of getting into Heaven?’
‘I don’t think one drink will prevent you getting into Heaven,’ said St Peter. ‘But I’m afraid your room still isn’t ready, so give me a call in three days.’
Three days later, she rang again. ‘Peter, this is Rosemary. I have a confession to make: last night I kissed a man for the first time. Do you think it will ruin my chances of getting into Heaven?’
‘I shouldn’t think so,’ said St Peter. ‘But I couldn’t say for certain. Give me a ring tomorrow. By then I’ll have got an answer from God and I’ll know about your accommodation.’
The next day, she phoned again. ‘Pete, this is Rosie. Forget about the room.’
A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. On his first day there, the mouse met God who asked him: ‘How do you like it in Heaven?’
‘It’s great,’ said the mouse, ‘but it’s so vast that I don’t think I’ll ever get to see it all. It would be really nice if I had some form of transport.’
So God gave the mouse a pair of roller skates.
The next day, God saw the cat and asked him: ‘How do you like it in Heaven?’
‘It’s great,’ said the cat, just as the mouse rode past on his roller skates, ‘and I didn’t know you had meals on wheels up here.’
Three nuns were killed in a road accident and went to Heaven. When they arrived at the Pearly Gates, St Peter said: ‘You ladies have led exemplary lives, but before I can admit you, I must ask you each one religious-based question.’
So he asked the first nun: ‘What was the name of the first man that God created?’
‘Adam,’ replied the nun. Lights flashed, music played, angels sang and the nun was admitted to Heaven.
Then St Peter asked the second nun: ‘What was the name of the first woman that God created?’
‘Eve,’ answered the nun. Lights flashed, music played, angels sang and the nun was admitted to Heaven.
Then St Peter asked the third nun: ‘What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?’
Baffled, the nun scratched her head and said: ‘Gee, that’s a hard one.’
Lights flashed, music played, angels sang . . .
St Peter noticed a man pacing up and down outside the Pearly Gates. ‘Can I help you?’ asked St Peter.
The man looked impatiently at his watch. ‘No, it’s okay,’ he replied. ‘I won’t be long.’
A few minutes later, St Peter looked out again and saw that the man was becoming increasingly agitated. ‘What’s the problem?’ asked St Peter.
‘Listen,’ said the man. ‘You know I’m dead; I know I’m dead. So will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?’
A deeply religious man found himself trapped on the roof of a house during a terrible flood. A man came by in a boat and said: ‘Get in!’
But the religious man said: ‘No, I have faith in God. He will grant me a miracle.’
Soon the water was up to his waist and another man came by in a boat and shouted: ‘Get in!’
But the religious man said: ‘No, I have faith in God. He will grant me a miracle.’
With the water up to his chest, a third boat passed by. ‘Get in!’ shouted the boatman.
But the religious man replied: ‘No, I have faith in God. He will grant me a miracle.’
With the water up to his chin, a helicopter threw down a ladder and the crew told him to climb up.
But the religious man spluttered: ‘No, I still have faith in God. He will grant me a miracle.’
Half an hour later, he arrived at the Gates of Heaven, his faith broken. He told St Peter: ‘I feel I have been let down. I really was convinced that God would grant me a miracle.’
‘Be fair,’ said St Peter. ‘We did send you three boats and a helicopter.’
Three men – Jeff, Phil and Mike – found themselves in Hell. No sooner had they arrived than a door in a wall opened and they saw a really ugly woman, her face covered in warts. The voice of the Devil boomed out: ‘Jeff, you have sinned. You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this poor woman.’ And Jeff was led through the door to suffer his punishment.
The other two men were understandably wary when a second door opened to reveal a woman even uglier than the first. She had one eye, no teeth, a hunched back and she stank of manure. Her body was covered in flies. The voice of the Devil boomed out: ‘Phil, you have sinned. You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this wretched woman.’ And Phil was led through the door to suffer his punishment.
By now Mike was a nervous wreck. So he feared the worst when a third door opened, but to his enormous relief he saw a beautiful blonde standing there wearing a skimpy bikini. ‘Wow!’ he thought. Then he heard the voice of the Devil boom out: ‘Carla, you have sinned. . .’
Three men died and went to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter told them: ‘Heaven is a big place, so you’re going to need transport to get around. We will determine what type of vehicle you get according to how faithful you were to your wives.’
Turning to the first man, St Peter said: ‘How faithful were you to your wife?’
The first man replied: ‘I never once strayed. From the day I first met her to the day I died, she was the only woman I slept with. I loved her very much.’
‘As a reward for your fidelity,’ said St Peter, ‘I present you with the keys to a magnificent Rolls-Royce.’
Then St Peter addressed the second man and asked him if he was faithful to his wife. ‘Well,’ said the second man hesitantly, ‘I must admit I did have the odd fling in my youth, but I did love my wife and after those lapses I remained faithful to her until my dying day.’
‘Very well,’ said St Peter, ‘as a reward for your good behaviour I award the keys to a Pontiac.’
Finally St Peter asked the third man: ‘Were you faithful to your wife?’
The third man
hung his head in shame. ‘I regret to say I slept with everyone and anyone. I played the field throughout our marriage. I had dozens of affairs, some lasting for over a year, as well as countless one-night stands. Nevertheless I still loved my wife and always went back to her.’
‘Your behaviour left a lot to be desired,’ said St Peter, ‘but you say you did love your wife, so that does count for something. Therefore I will give you a ten-speed bicycle.’
The three men spent the next two weeks travelling around Heaven in their respective vehicles. Then one day, the man on the bicycle saw the man with the Rolls-Royce sobbing uncontrollably by the side of the road.
‘What’s the matter?’ he asked. ‘What could possibly be wrong? You have a beautiful Rolls-Royce to drive around in.’
‘I know,’ said the man with the Rolls-Royce between sobs, ‘but I’ve just seen my wife go past on a skateboard.’
Law and Order
A police officer spotted a man driving erratically. Pulling him over, the officer asked: ‘Have you been drinking?’