by Nick Harris
‘Yes, I have,’ replied the man. ‘I started out with a couple of pints at the Coach and Horses, then I had a couple more at that new bar on Church Street, then I moved on to the Red Lion where I had four or five vodkas and then I bought a bottle of whisky, which I’ve just finished.’
‘Right,’ said the officer, ‘I need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test.’
‘What’s the matter?’ asked the man. ‘Don’t you believe me?’
A burglar broke into Sting’s house, but while making his escape he ran into the singer himself in the street.
‘Hey, Sting,’ he called out. ‘I’ve got all your records!’
A man appeared in court on a double murder charge. The judge said: ‘You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.’
Hearing this, a man in the public gallery shouted: ‘You bastard!’
The judge went on: ‘You are also charged with beating your wife’s lover to death with a spanner.’
Again the man in the public gallery yelled out: ‘You bastard!’
The judge turned to the public gallery and said: ‘Sir, I can understand your outrage at this terrible crime, but I will not tolerate any more outbursts.’
‘I’m sorry, Your Honour,’ said the man, ‘but for twelve years I lived next door to that bastard – and every time I asked to borrow a spanner, he told me he didn’t have one!’
Police arrested two children. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A man spotted burglars breaking into his garden shed one night, so he phoned the police, but they said there were no available cars in his area.
He hung up, waited a minute and then phoned the police again. ‘I rang just now about the burglars in my garden shed. Well, there’s no need to worry because I’ve just shot them.’
Within minutes, three patrol cars screeched to a halt outside his house – just in time to arrest the burglars.
One of the officers marched over to the householder and said: ‘I thought you said you’d shot them!’
The man replied: ‘And I thought you said there were no cars available!’
The defendant stood defiantly in the dock and said to the judge: ‘I don’t recognize this court.’
‘Why?’ barked the judge.
‘Because you’ve had it decorated since the last time I was here.’
Three men attended a job interview to join the FBI. The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interviews explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders. Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, but then hesitated and said: ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’
Next it was the second man’s turn to be interviewed. The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders. Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, walked into the room, but then immediately walked out again. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can’t do it.’
Finally it was the third man’s turn. The FBI agent said: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders. Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun and went into the room. The agent heard six shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
Seconds later, the man came out of the room, saying: ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair!’
A rookie cop was on his first day in a patrol car, where he was teamed up with a more experienced partner. Nothing much happened for the first hour but then a call came through asking them to disperse a group of people who were loitering on the corner of Main Street.
‘I’ll deal with this,’ said the rookie excitedly. So when they reached Main Street and saw a small crowd on the corner, he jumped out of the car and yelled: ‘Okay, move along now. Quick as you can. Haven’t you got homes to go to?’
The crowd were reluctant to disperse so he repeated the command more forcefully: ‘Come on now, move on or I’ll start taking names and addresses.’
Puzzled, they slowly drifted off in different directions and the rookie returned to the patrol car.
‘Not bad, huh?’ he said proudly to his partner.
‘Yeah, you did okay. Pity it was a bus stop . . .’
The defendant’s barrister said: ‘Madam, could you please explain to this court how you came to stab your husband ninety-three times?’
‘Yes,’ she replied. ‘I couldn’t turn off the electric knife.’
A hardened inmate at a tough, maximum-security jail said to a new young prisoner: ‘I’ve got two tickets for the warden’s ball. Do you want to buy one?’
‘No thanks,’ replied the newcomer. ‘I can’t dance.’
‘It’s not a dance, it’s a raffle!’
Signs That Your Police Partner
Needs a Vacation
Every Wednesday, he insists it’s his turn to be the siren.
He keeps asking if his bulletproof vest makes him look fat.
He talks to himself. Half of him is the ‘good cop’, the other half is the ‘bad cop’.
He wants to play Scrabble with his colleagues instead of poker.
He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.
He won’t enter a building alone at night because he’s afraid the bogeyman will get him.
He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
He starts exchanging doughnut recipes with complete strangers.
He wants to add a nice lace trim to his uniform.
A police officer stopped a driver for speeding. As he approached the car, he could see that the driver was extremely anxious about something.
‘Good afternoon, sir,’ said the officer. ‘Do you know why I stopped you?’
‘Yes, officer,’ replied the driver. ‘I know I was speeding. But it is a matter of life and death.’
‘In what way?’
‘There’s a naked woman waiting for me at home.’
‘I don’t see how that is a matter of life and death.’
‘Oh yes it is. If I don’t get home before my wife does, I’m a dead man!’
A police officer arrested a man and told him: ‘I’m afraid I’m going to have to lock you up for the night.’
‘What’s the charge?’ asked the suspect.
‘Oh, there’s no charge,’ said the officer. ‘It’s all part of the service.’
Halfway through a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, a barrister stopped and said: ‘I object, Your Honour! One of the jurors is asleep!’
The judge replied curtly: ‘You put him to sleep. . . you wake him up!’
A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a right turn at a red light.
‘Uh-oh!’ he said. ‘I think I just made an illegal turn.’
‘It’s okay, Dad,’ said the boy. ‘The police car right behind us did the same thing.’
Two new prisoners were led to their cell. ‘How long are you in for?’ asked one.
‘Eighteen years. What about you?’
‘Twenty-five years. So as you’re getting out first, you’d better have the bed by the door.’
A man in a ski mask ran into a bank, pointed a banana at the cashier and yelled: ‘This is a cock-up!’
‘Don’t you mean a stick-up?’ asked the cashier.
‘No,’ said the robber. ‘It’s a cock-up. I forgot to bring the gun!’
A traffic cop pulled over a driver who had been weaving erratically along the highway. Approaching the car, he said: ‘Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser.’
‘Sorry, officer,’ he rep
lied. ‘I can’t do that. I’m an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.’
‘Well, then I need you to come down to the station to give me a blood sample.’
‘I can’t do that either, officer. I’m a haemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.’
‘Well perhaps we could try a urine sample?’
‘Sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I’m also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.’
‘Okay then,’ said the officer, growing increasingly exasperated, ‘I need you to step out of the car and walk along that white line.’
‘I can’t do that, officer.’
‘Why the hell not?’
‘Because I’m drunk.’
A lawyer walked into his client’s cell on death row and said: ‘I’ve got good news and bad news.’
‘What’s the bad news?’ asked the client.
‘The bad news is that the state governor has refused your plea for a stay of execution.’
‘Oh, my God! So I’m gonna die. What could possibly be the good news?’
The lawyer said: ‘I’ve managed to get your voltage reduced.’
A shipment of Viagra was hijacked last week. Police officers are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
A man with a scarf covering the lower half of his face burst into a bank brandishing a sawn-off shotgun but as he grabbed the money his mask slipped. He quickly pulled it back up again but panicked that someone might have seen his face.
Pointing the gun at a couple standing nearby, he growled at the man: ‘Did you see my face, because if you did I’ll have to kill you?’
‘No, I didn’t see your face,’ said the man.
‘Are you sure?’ yelled the robber.
‘Absolutely,’ replied the man, ‘but I’m fairly certain my wife did.’
A police officer stopped a driver who was speeding down Main Street.
‘But officer,’ the man said. ‘I can explain . . .’
‘Keep quiet and save it for later,’ said the officer. ‘I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.’
‘But officer, I just wanted to say . . .’
‘And I said, “Keep quiet!” You’re going to jail.’
An hour and a half later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said: ‘Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.’
‘Don’t count on it,’ said the prisoner. ‘I’m the groom!’
How many police officers does it take to break an egg?
– None. It fell down the stairs.
After a leisurely morning walk in the woods, the three bears returned to the kitchen to see if their breakfast had cooled down.
‘Someone’s eaten my porridge!’ cried baby bear.
‘And someone’s eaten my porridge!’ wailed mother bear.
‘Never mind the porridge!’ said father bear. ‘Where’s the flat screen TV?’
The judge looked at the defendant and asked: ‘What exactly is it you’re charged with?’
‘Doing my Christmas shopping early,’ replied the defendant.
‘That’s not an offence,’ said the judge. ‘How early were you doing this shopping?’
The defendant bowed his head and said: ‘Before the store opened.’
Following the theft of a truck full of toupees, police officers were reported to be combing the area.
A man on a bicycle was stopped at the US border by police officers investigating a smuggling racket. The man was carrying a bag of sand, but after searching the bag the police found nothing untoward and let him go.
The next week, the same man on a bicycle was again stopped at the border carrying a bag of sand. Again the officers searched the bag thoroughly but found nothing illegal and sent him on his way.
This went on for three years. Then one day the police officers bumped into the man in a bar. ‘Listen,’ they said, ‘we know you’re up to something, but our curiosity’s killing us. If we promise not to prosecute you, will you tell us what it is you’ve been smuggling across the border for the last three years?’
The man smiled and answered: ‘Bicycles.’
A young couple started to feel amorous during a drive out into the country. They tried to make love on the back seat of the car but there wasn’t enough room so they decided to squeeze underneath the car instead and embarked on a frenzied sex session.
Some ten minutes later, a police officer appeared on the scene and informed them that he was arresting them for indecent exposure.
‘But all I’m doing under here is repairing the car,’ protested the young man.
‘You’re having sex,’ said the officer. ‘And there are three reasons why I know that. Firstly, you have no tools out. Secondly, I can see two pairs of legs. And thirdly, your car’s been stolen.’
Five thousand bars of soap were stolen from a warehouse. Police say the thieves made a clean getaway.
Two men had just broken into a high-rise apartment when they heard the sound of police sirens.
‘Quick! Let’s jump out the window.’
‘We can’t,’ said his accomplice. ‘We’re on the thirteenth floor.’
‘Listen, this is no time to be superstitious.’
A police patrol car was keeping observation on a bar at closing time on the lookout for drunk drivers. Sure enough, the two officers watched a man stumble out of the bar, trip over the kerb and fumble for his car keys for several minutes. When he eventually managed to get into the car, it took him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile all the other customers had left the bar and driven off.
When the man finally set the car in motion, the officers seized their chance, pulling him over and ordering him to do a breathalyser test.
To their amazement, the test showed no trace of alcohol. So they made him breathe into the bag again, but the result was the same.
‘That can’t be right,’ said one of the officers.
‘Yes, it can,’ said the man. ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’
Why did the escaped convict saw the legs off his bed?
– He wanted to lie low.
Cross-examining a witness, an arrogant defence barrister asked pointedly: ‘But did you actually see the accused bite off Mr Brown’s ear?
‘No,’ replied the witness. ‘But I did see him spit it out.’
Lawyers
A man was walking through a park when he spotted an old bottle. He rubbed it and a genie appeared.
‘I will grant you three wishes,’ said the genie, ‘but I must warn you that for each of your wishes every lawyer in the world will receive double what you ask for.’
‘I understand,’ said the man. ‘My first wish is for a Rolls-Royce.’
POOF! A Rolls-Royce appeared in front of him, and the genie said: ‘Now every lawyer in the world has been given two Rolls-Royces. What is your next wish?’
‘My second wish’, said the man, ‘is for a million dollars.’
POOF! A million dollars appeared in front of him, and the genie said: ‘Now every lawyer in the world has been given two million dollars. What is your final wish?’
The man thought for a moment and said: ‘Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney . . .’
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
– A bad lawyer can let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
A lawyer died and was standing in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter said: ‘You’re a lawyer, you can’t come in here – you have to go to the other place.’
But using all his courtroom know-how, the lawyer pleaded his case until St Peter reconsidered. ‘Okay, this is what I’ll do,’ said St Peter. ‘You will spend the same amount of time in Hell as you did on Earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here.’
‘Fair enough,’ said the lawyer.
‘What do you mean three hundred and eighty-five years?’ said the lawyer. ‘I’m only fifty-nine.’
‘I know,’ said St Peter, ‘but we go by billing hours.’
The glass tanks were accidentally left open in the zoo’s reptile house, as a result of which all of the snakes escaped. With highly venomous reptiles on the loose, the head keeper desperately tried to round them up, but to no avail.
Eventually he turned to his assistant and said: ‘It’s no use. We’ll have to call a lawyer.’
‘A lawyer?’ said the assistant. ‘Why will a lawyer be of any use?’
‘Because’, said the head keeper, ‘we need someone who speaks their language.’
A young lawyer was involved in a horrific car smash. The entire side of his Ferrari was ripped away, along with his arm. When a police officer arrived on the scene, the lawyer was in a state of shock. ‘My car! My car!’ he wailed.