by Nick Harris
Seeing how badly the lawyer was injured, the officer said: ‘Sir, I think you ought to be more worried about your arm than your car.’
The lawyer looked down in horror at where his arm used to be and screamed: ‘My Rolex! My Rolex!’
A lawyer who had been drinking was driving home when he rear-ended the car in front. He got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and sneered: ‘Boy, are you in trouble! I’m a lawyer.’
The other driver looked out of his window and said: ‘No, you’re in trouble. I’m a judge!’
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
– It depends on how thin you slice them.
A man sought professional advice from a lawyer. ‘What are your fees?’ he asked.
‘Seventy-five dollars for three questions,’ replied the lawyer.
‘That’s pretty expensive, isn’t it?’
‘Maybe,’ said the lawyer. ‘So, what’s your third question?’
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
– A lawyer charges more.
A truck driver detested lawyers with a vengeance. In fact if he ever saw any lawyers walking by the side of the road he would deliberately swerve his truck into them and run them down. He loved the THUD sound as the truck hit the lawyers.
One day, the truck driver saw a priest hitchhiking by the side of the road. ‘Where are you going to, Father?’ he asked.
‘St Michael’s church, about five miles down the road,’ replied the priest.
‘Climb in,’ said the truck driver, and he set off in the direction of the church.
A mile further on, the truck driver spotted a lawyer walking by the side of the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But at the last minute he remembered he had a priest as a passenger and so he veered back into the middle of the road, narrowly avoiding the lawyer. However he still heard the THUD sound. Puzzled, he turned to the priest and said: ‘I’m sorry, Father. I nearly hit that lawyer.’
‘Don’t worry,’ said the priest. ‘I got him with the door!’
Marriage and Divorce
A husband arrived home from work to find his wife in bed with his friend. Angered by the betrayal, the husband rushed into the study, produced a gun and shot him dead.
His wife shook her head in despair and said: ‘If you keep behaving like this, you’ll lose all of your friends.’
A man went into a florist’s and asked for a very big bunch of flowers.
‘How big exactly?’ asked the florist.
The man replied: ‘Caught in bed with my sister-in-law size.’
What’s the difference between a heavily pregnant woman and a supermodel?
– Nothing, if the husband knows what’s good for him.
A couple were watching a TV programme about sex when the wife turned to the husband and said: ‘You make love like you decorate.’
‘What, you mean very slow and professional?’
‘No,’ she replied curtly. ‘Fast and sloppy and I have to finish the job myself.’
A travelling salesman was testifying in divorce proceedings against his wife. His attorney said: ‘Please describe the incident which first led you to suspect that your wife was being unfaithful.’
The salesman answered: ‘I’m on the road during the week, so naturally when I get home at weekends I am particularly attentive to my wife. One Sunday morning we were in the middle of a passionate sex session when the old lady in the apartment next door banged on the wall and yelled: ‘Can’t you at least stop that racket at the weekend?’
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One afternoon, they went to her house and made passionate love, after which they fell asleep. When they awoke, it was eight o’clock in the evening. He hurriedly threw on his clothes, and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them on the grass and dirt. Mystified, she did as he asked. He then put on his shoes and drove home.
‘Where the hell have you been?’ his wife demanded as he entered the house.
‘I can’t lie to you, honey,’ he replied. ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.’
His wife glanced down at his shoes and yelled: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’
A man and his wife were giving each other the silent treatment. After ten days of this, he realized that he needed her to wake him the following morning so that he could catch the 8 a.m. flight to Los Angeles for an important business meeting. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper: ‘Please wake me at 5 a.m.’
The next morning, he woke up, only to find that it was 9 a.m. He’d missed his flight. Furious, he was about to ask his wife why she hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper next to the bed. It read: ‘It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.’
A young couple met with the minister to set a date for their wedding. When the minister asked whether they would prefer a modern or a traditional service, they chose the modern service.
On the day of the wedding, there was a terrible storm that forced the groom to abandon the car and complete his journey to the church on foot. The roads were flooded, so he rolled up his trousers in a bid to keep them dry. Arriving late at church, he was immediately hustled up the aisle so that the ceremony could start.
The minister took one look at him and hissed: ‘Pull down your trousers.’
Alarmed by this, the groom said: ‘Uh, actually, minister, I’ve changed my mind. I think I’ll go for the traditional service.’
A man asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday. ‘Well,’ she said optimistically, eyeing his new Chevrolet parked on the drive, ‘a little something to run around in would be nice.’
So he bought her a tracksuit.
Friends Jo and Kelly both had marriages that were going through rocky patches. One day Jo said: ‘I’m going to get a divorce. Yesterday I saw my creep of a husband going into a movie with another woman.’
‘There could have been an innocent explanation,’ said Kelly, trying to reassure her. ‘Why didn’t you follow them into the cinema?’
‘I couldn’t,’ said Jo. ‘The guy I was with had already seen the movie.’
A man and his wife went out for a drink one evening. After a few drinks, he suddenly said: ‘I love you.’
Unaccustomed to such displays of affection, she said: ‘Is that you or the beer talking?’
He answered: ‘It’s me – I’m talking to the beer.’
A man confided to his friend: ‘Something terrible has happened. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife to tell her that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with our next-door neighbour. How could she do that to me?’
‘Don’t be too hard on her,’ said the friend. ‘Maybe she didn’t read your email.’
A young couple were preparing to get married, but as the wedding day approached they became increasingly nervous. For each had a problem they had never shared with anyone, not even each other.
Finally overcoming his embarrassment, the groom decided to confide in his father. ‘Dad,’ he said, ‘I’m really worried about this marriage.’
‘Why?’ asked his father. ‘Are you having second thoughts?’
‘I do love her,’ replied the son, ‘but I’m not sure how she’ll cope with my feet. In case you hadn’t noticed, they’re always horribly smelly and I’m afraid they’ll put her off.’
‘No problem,’ said the father. ‘All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.’
The son thanked him for his advice, and promised to follow it.
Meanwhile the bride-to-be had finally plucked up the courage to confide in her mother. ‘Mum,’ she said, ‘when I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful.’
‘But honey,’ said her mother comfortingly, ‘everyone has bad breath in the morning.’
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‘No, you don’t understand,’ said the daughter. ‘My breath in the morning is so horrendously rancid that I’m afraid my husband won’t want to sleep in the same room as me.’
Her mother considered the problem for a moment and then said: ‘There is a solution. Every morning, as soon as you wake up you must get out of bed and go straight to the kitchen to make breakfast. While your husband is busy eating, slip into the bathroom and brush your teeth. The important thing is not to say a word until you have brushed your teeth.’
‘I shouldn’t even say good morning?’ queried the daughter.
‘No, not a word,’ the mother insisted.
So the daughter promised to give it a try.
Two weeks later, the couple were married and, remembering the advice each had received – he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence – they managed quite well.
But then four months into their married life, the husband woke just before dawn one morning to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searched the bed, and in doing so woke his wife.
Without thinking, she asked: ‘What are you doing?’
‘Oh my God!’ he replied in horror, recoiling from her breath. ‘You’ve swallowed my sock!’
A man confided to his friend: ‘I haven’t spoken to my wife for five months.’
‘Why not?’ asked the friend.
‘I don’t like to interrupt her.’
A man bought his forty-four-year-old wife a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After carefully applying them, she said: ‘Darling, tell me honestly. What age do you think I look?’
Studying her closely, he replied: ‘From your skin, twenty-one; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five.’
‘Oh, you do flatter me!’ she grinned.
‘Hang on,’ he said. ‘I haven’t added them up yet!’
Bill ran into an old school friend Tom at the supermarket. ‘I hear you got married again, Tom,’ he said.
‘Yes,’ said Tom, ‘for the fourth time!’
‘Wow! What happened to your first three wives?’
‘They all died.’
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know. That’s terrible. How did they die?’
‘The first ate poisonous mushrooms.’
‘How awful! What about the second?’
‘She ate poisonous mushrooms.’
‘Oh no! What about the third? Did she die from eating poisonous mushrooms, too?’
‘No, she died of a broken neck.’
‘Oh right, an accident?’
‘Not exactly – you see, she wouldn’t eat her mushrooms.’
A man married a woman who had an identical twin but within a year he was filing for divorce.
‘Tell the court why you want a divorce,’ said the judge.
‘Well, Your Honour,’ explained the man, ‘every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit and because she and my wife looked exactly alike, now and then I’d end up making love to her by mistake.’
‘Surely there must be some difference between the two women?’ said the judge.
‘You’d better believe it!’ replied the man. ‘That’s why I want the divorce!’
Did you hear about the couple who met in a revolving door?
– They’re still going round together.
While out on a hot date one night, a man parked his car in a quiet street and climbed into the back seat for sex. His partner was insatiable, and after two hours of passionate lovemaking she still wanted more. The man, however, was exhausted.
Eventually he said: ‘Excuse me, but I must go for a pee.’
He climbed out of the car and noticed a man further down the street struggling to change a tyre. He went over to him and said: ‘Listen, I’ve got this woman in my car who’s driving me crazy for sex. We’ve done it four times but she still wants more. I don’t think I can manage it again. So if I change your tyre, will you take my place?’
The second man agreed and climbed into the back seat with the willing woman. They were just getting started when a passing police officer tapped on the car window and shone a torch on them.
‘What are you doing in there?’ asked the officer.
‘I’m making love to my wife,’ replied the man hesitantly.
‘Well, this is a public place,’ said the officer. ‘Can’t you do that at home?’
‘Actually, officer,’ said the man, ‘I didn’t know it was my wife until you shone the torch on her!’
Marriage . . . Divorce
She married him because he was such a ‘strong man’.
She divorced him because he was such a ‘domineering male’.
He married her because she was so ‘fragile and petite’.
He divorced her because she was so ‘weak and helpless’.
She married him because ‘he knows how to provide a good living’.
She divorced him because ‘all he thinks about is business’.
He married her because she was ‘steady and sensible’.
He divorced her because she was ‘boring and dull’.
She married him because he was ‘a hit with women’.
She divorced him because he was ‘a hit with other women’.
He married her because ‘she reminds me of my mother’.
He divorced her because ‘she gets more like her mother every day’.
A mother was anxiously awaiting her teenage daughter’s return home from a year backpacking abroad. As the passengers came through the door into the airport arrivals lounge, the mother noticed that right behind her daughter was a man dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body, and carrying a shrunken head. Seeing her mother, the daughter ran up to her, flung her arms around her and then introduced the strange-looking man as her new husband.
The mother threw up her hands in horror. ‘You never listen to me, darling!’ she screamed. ‘You never listen! I said for you to marry a RICH doctor. A RICH doctor!’
A woman screamed at her husband: ‘You’re gonna be real sorry. I’m gonna leave you!’
‘Make up your mind,’ said the husband. ‘Which is it gonna be?’
A man told his priest that he was thinking about getting a divorce. ‘Why would you want to divorce such a lovely woman as Linda?’ asked the priest. ‘She is soft and gentle and, if I may say so, quite beautiful and nicely proportioned. I can’t think what more you could wish for from a wife.’
The man took off his shoe. ‘See this shoe,’ he said, showing it to the priest. ‘The leather is soft and gentle. It is a quite beautiful piece of craftsmanship and nicely proportioned . . . but only I know how it pinches.’
‘It’s too hot to wear clothes today,’ said the husband stepping out of the shower. ‘What do you reckon the neighbours will think if I mow the grass like this?’
‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ answered his wife.
Shopping at a supermarket, a married man noticed a pretty young woman waving at him and mouthing ‘hello’. But he was puzzled because he couldn’t place her. So when he caught up with her, said: ‘I’m sorry. Do you know me?’
‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids,’ she replied.
He started to panic. His mind raced back to the only time he had ever been unfaithful to his wife and he blurted out: ‘My God, are you the stripper from the office Christmas party who got me so worked up we had sex right there and then on the desk while all my colleagues sprayed whipped cream on us?’
‘No,’ she replied calmly. ‘Actually I’m your son’s maths teacher.’
A girl brought home her fiancé, a theology student, to meet her parents for the first time. Her father was keen to learn what prospects the boy had.
‘How do you intend to make a living?’ asked the father.
‘I don’t know,’ said the student, ‘but God will provide.’
The father raised his eyebrows. ‘Do you own a
car?’
‘No,’ replied the student, ‘but God will provide.’
‘I see. And where are you thinking of living once you’re married?’
‘No idea, but I am sure God will provide.’
Later the mother asked the father what he thought of their prospective son-in-law.
‘Not a lot really,’ sighed the father. ‘He’s got no money and seems to have given precious little thought to the future. But on the other hand he thinks I’m God!’
A young man paid a first visit to his wife’s family for Sunday lunch. As he sat down at the table, his mother-in-law asked him: ‘How many potatoes would you like?’
‘Just one,’ he replied.
‘It’s okay,’ she said, ‘there’s no need to be polite.’
‘Very well,’ he said. ‘I’ll have one, you ugly old bat!’
Money
An anxious father told his son’s school principal: ‘I want you to stop my son gambling. All he ever seems to want to do is bet. He’ll bet on anything!’
‘I’ll see what I can do,’ said the principal.
A week later, the principal phoned the father and said: ‘I think I’ve cured his gambling habit.’