by Nick Harris
‘How have you managed that?’ asked the father.
‘Well,’ explained the principal, ‘I saw him looking at my beard and eventually he said, “I bet that’s a false beard.” So I asked him: “How much do you want to bet on it?” And he said, “Ten dollars.”’
‘What happened then?’ asked the father.
‘Well, he tugged my beard, which is perfectly real, and I made him give me the ten dollars. I’m sure that’s taught him a lesson and he won’t be gambling anymore.’
‘I wouldn’t be so sure,’ said the father. ‘He bet me twenty dollars this morning that he’d pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!’
A shipping magnate suddenly decided to carry out an inspection of his business. Visiting the docks unannounced, he noticed a young man leaning idly against a wall.
Disgusted by such inactivity, the magnate walked over to him and said: ‘How much do you make in a day, son?’
‘A hundred and twenty dollars,’ replied the young man.
The magnate pulled out his wallet, gave him a hundred and twenty dollars and said: ‘I’ve got no room for slackers in my organization. Take this money, get out of my sight and don’t ever come back!’
A few minutes later the shipping clerk came over to the magnate and asked: ‘Have you seen that young UPS driver? I asked him to wait here for me.’
What’s the best way to stop water coming into your house?
– Don’t pay the water bill.
Clive went round to his friend’s house one evening and rang the doorbell. ‘Is David in?’ he asked.
‘No,’ said David’s wife Carolyn, dressed in a bathrobe, ‘but he should be home soon if you’d like to wait.’
So Clive sat down in the lounge with Carolyn and waited. He could hardly take his eyes off her fantastic figure. After a few minutes, he could remain silent no longer. ‘Carolyn,’ he said, ‘I’ve always thought you had the most amazing breasts. If I paid you a hundred dollars, would you let me see one?’
Carolyn was surprised by the confession but secretly flattered. Anyway for that amount of money, she thought it was worth it. So she opened her robe and allowed Clive to see one of her breasts.
Clive handed over the hundred dollars and then said: ‘I’d give you another hundred if I could see the other one.’
So Carolyn undid her robe a little more and this time let him have a really long look for his money. Then he gave her the hundred dollars and said: ‘I’m sorry, I’m really going to have to leave. I can’t wait for David any longer. Tell him I called.’
When David arrived home, Carolyn said: ‘Your friend Clive came round earlier.’
‘Oh, yes?’ said David. ‘Did he drop off the two hundred dollars he owes me?’
A man was sitting at a bar looking really miserable.
‘What’s up, buddy?’ said the guy on the next stool. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’
‘I don’t know,’ sighed the first man. ‘It’s just that this time last year I had a fantastic job. I was making big money.’
‘So what went wrong?’
‘Well, that was the problem. People started noticing the bills were two inches too big!’
A man told his neighbour: ‘A thief has stolen my wife’s credit card. Last month he ran up a bill of over a thousand dollars.’
‘That’s awful,’ said the neighbour. ‘Have you reported it to the police?’
‘Certainly not,’ said the husband. ‘He’s spending less than my wife does!’
A man complained to his friend: ‘My wife is always asking me for more money. A month ago she asked me for three hundred dollars, last week she said she needed two hundred dollars and yesterday she wanted a hundred dollars.’
‘What does she do with it all?’ asked the friend.
‘I don’t know,’ said the husband. ‘I never give her any.’
Buying car insurance, a man was surprised to be quoted a very low premium for ‘fire and theft’. When he asked why it was so cheap, the insurance agent replied: ‘Who’d want to steal a burnt car?’
On his first day working for a finance company, a young man was sent to try and strike a settlement with the firm’s toughest client. To the amazement of his boss, he returned with the outstanding fifty-thousand-dollar debt paid in full.
‘How did you get him to pay up?’ asked the boss. ‘We’ve been trying to get him to settle for over a year.’
‘It was easy,’ said the young man. ‘I simply told him that if he didn’t pay us, I’d tell all his other creditors that he had!’
A man went into a bank and asked to borrow three thousand dollars for a month. The loan officer asked what collateral the man had.
He replied: ‘I’ve got a Rolls-Royce. Keep it until the loan is paid off. Here are the keys.’
The loan officer arranged for the vehicle to be driven into the bank’s underground car park for safekeeping and gave the man the fifteen hundred dollars.
A month later, the man returned to the bank, repaid the fifteen-hundred-dollar loan plus ten dollars interest and retook possession of his Rolls-Royce.
The loan officer was puzzled. ‘There’s one thing I don’t understand, sir,’ he said. ‘Why would someone who drives a Rolls-Royce need to borrow fifteen hundred dollars?’
The man replied: ‘I had to go abroad for a month and where else could I store a Rolls-Royce for that length of time for ten dollars?’
A frog wanted to buy a new lily pond but had run out of money. So he went to the bank for a loan. He sat down at a desk and introduced himself as Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger. He was interviewed by a bank official named Patty Whack who asked the frog what he could offer by way of collateral. The frog reached into his briefcase and pulled out a vase but Patty was not impressed.
‘I’m sorry, but we’ll need something more valuable than that,’ she told the frog. ‘It’s just a cheap knick-knack.’
But just to cover her back, she decided to show the vase to the bank manager who professed to know a little about antiques. She told him: ‘I’ve got this frog named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money, and he’s brought this vase in as collateral. What do you think?’
The manager registered the significance of the name, took one look at the vase and said: ‘It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack, but give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.’
Music
Bob was sitting at the bar with a few regular customers when the bartender said: ‘Go on, Bob, tell them the Elvis Presley knock-knock joke.’
‘What’s the Elvis Presley knock-knock joke?’ asked one of the regulars.
Bob said: ‘Knock knock.’
‘Who’s there?’
‘Wurlitzer.’
‘Wurlitzer who?’
‘Wurlitzer one for the money, two for the show. . .’
What’s the difference between a cello and a chainsaw?
– The grip.
What’s the difference between a cello and a viola?
– A cello takes longer to burn.
How can you tell if a cello is out of tune?
– The bow is moving.
How do you get two viola players to play in unison?
– You shoot one of them.
What do a lawsuit and a viola have in common?
– Everyone is happier when the case is closed.
A viola player arrived home to find that his house had burnt down. A police officer informed him that the orchestra conductor had gone to the viola player’s house, brutally slaughtered his family and then set fire to the building.
‘What?’ said the viola player, gobsmacked. ‘You say the conductor actually came to my house . . . ?’
Why are harps like elderly parents?
– They’re both unforgiving and difficult to get in and out of cars.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
– A bear-faced lyre.
A singing teacher told her eager young student: ‘You
should have taken up singing earlier.’
‘Why? Do you think the practice would have helped me become a star?’
‘No,’ said the teacher, ‘but you might have given up by now.’
A man walked into a record store and asked the assistant: ‘Have you got anything by The Doors?’
‘Yes,’ she said, ‘a bucket and a fire extinguisher.’
What is 50 Cent known as in Zimbabwe?
– Eighty million dollars.
A girl took her boyfriend back to her house and said: ‘Mum, is it okay if we go up to my room?’
‘Sure, ‘said the mother. ‘You kids have fun.’
Shortly afterwards, the mother heard: ‘Baby, baby, baby, oh!’
She rushed upstairs, opened the door to her daughter’s room and yelled: ‘What the hell’s going on?’
‘We were just having sex,’ explained the daughter.
‘Thank God!’ said the mother. ‘I thought for a minute you were listening to Justin Bieber!’
A man sitting in a bar asked the bartender: ‘How late does the band play?’
The bartender replied: ‘About a half-beat behind the drummer.’
What’s the definition of a gentleman?
– Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.
A young boy thanked his grandfather for the set of drums he bought him for his birthday. ‘They’re the best present I’ve ever had,’ he said. ‘They’ve already earned me ninety dollars.’
‘That’s amazing,’ said the grandfather. ‘You must have learned to play them real good!’
‘Not really,’ said the boy. ‘But Mum gives me five dollars not to play them during the day, and Dad gives me five dollars not to play them in the evening.’
What do you call a beautiful girl on a trombonist’s arm?
– A tattoo.
How do you get a trombonist off your porch?
– Pay for the pizza.
What’s the definition of an optimist?
– A trombonist with a pager.
What type of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
– Year-at-a-glance.
An intrepid explorer went in search of a remote jungle tribe with a fearsome reputation. He hired a local guide to act as translator.
As the pair sat around their campfire at dusk on the first evening, they heard the sound of tribal drums in the distance. The drums grew steadily louder. The guide took a deep breath and admitted: ‘I don’t like the sound of those drums.’
As darkness began to fall, the drums became louder still. The guide sighed: ‘I really don’t like the sound of those drums.’
As night fell, the drums were now so loud that they were obviously very near. The guide repeated ominously: ‘I really do not like the sound of those drums.’
Just then the drums stopped and a voice from the darkness called out: ‘Hey, man, he’s not our regular drummer!’
What’s the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
– You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Stevie Wonder was playing his first-ever concert in Beijing and twenty minutes into the show, in a bid to strike up a rapport with his audience, he asked if anyone had any requests. At this, an old Chinese man in the front row shouted out: ‘Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!’
Stevie was impressed that the old man knew about the jazz influences in his career, and so he responded by playing an E minor scale before embarking on a complicated jazz melody that went on for over fifteen minutes.
When he finished, the rest of the audience applauded wildly, but the old man in the front row shouted out again: ‘No, no, play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!’
Irritated that this one person was calling his jazz credentials into question, Stevie immediately launched into a brilliant jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord. Ten minutes later, he received a standing ovation – except from the old man in the front row who again shouted out: ‘No, no. Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!’
This was too much for Stevie to take. So he called out to the old man in the front row: ‘Okay then, if you think you can do better, come up here and show everyone.’
The old man climbed slowly up on to the stage, tottered over to the microphone and started to sing: ‘A jazz chord to say I love you . . .’
What’s the difference between a violinist and a dog?
– A dog knows when to stop scratching.
A man was listening to a violin recital being given by his neighbour’s son. At the end he said: ‘Your son reminds me of Jamie Cullum.’
‘I didn’t know Jamie Cullum could play the violin,’ said the neighbour.
‘He can’t,’ said the man, ‘and neither can your son!’
The Beach Boys walked into a bar.
‘Round?’
‘Round?’
‘Get a round.’
‘I get a round?’
‘Get a round . . .’
What is an accordion useful for?
– Learning how to fold a map.
Why are accordionists’ fingers like lightning?
– They rarely strike the same spot twice.
How do you make a bandstand?
– Pull their chairs away.
What’s the best way to tune a banjo?
– With wire cutters.
The world expert on wasps and the sounds they make was walking along the main street of a quiet country town when he stumbled upon an old record shop that sold vinyl classics. Flicking through the racks of LPs, his attention was caught by an album titled Wasps of the World – and the Sounds They Make.
Intrigued, he asked the young sales assistant if he could listen to the album.
‘Certainly, sir,’ said the assistant. ‘Step into the booth, put on the headphones, and I’ll put the LP on for you.’
So the world expert on wasps and the sounds they make stepped into the booth, put on the earphones and listened to the LP. Five minutes later, he came out of the booth and announced: ‘I am the world expert on wasps and the sounds they make, but I didn’t recognize any of those.’
‘I’m very sorry, sir, said the young assistant. ‘If you’d like to step back into the booth, I’ll play you another track.’
So the world expert on wasps and the sounds they make re-entered the booth and put the headphones back on. But five minutes later, he came out of the booth again, shaking his head. ‘I don’t understand it,’ he said. ‘I am the world expert on wasps and the sounds they make, and yet still I can’t recognize any of those.’
‘I really am sorry, sir,’ said the young assistant. ‘Perhaps if you would like to step back into the booth, I could play you another track.’
Eager to salvage his reputation, the world expert on wasps and the sounds they make went back into the booth, but emerged five minutes later in a state of considerable agitation. ‘I am the world expert on wasps and the sounds they make, and yet I have recognized none of the wasps on this LP.’
‘I really am terribly sorry,’ said the young assistant, blushing. ‘I’ve just realized I was playing you the bee side.’
Old People
An old man told the doctor: ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My right ear is always warmer than my left one.’
‘I see the problem,’ said the doctor. ‘You need to adjust your toupee.’
An elderly couple died in a car crash. They had been in excellent health for years through taking regular exercise and also because the wife was obsessed with health foods, keeping a strict watch on both their diets.
So when St Peter welcomed them to Heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-class relaxation facilities. The husband was particularly impressed by the eighteen-hole golf course and the Olympic-sized swimming pool.
‘This really is an amazing place you’ve got,’ he told St Peter.
‘And there’s more,’ said St Peter. ‘Let me show you the restaurant.’
As they observed th
e sumptuous buffet serving every food imaginable, the husband asked: ‘Where’s the low-fat table?’
‘Oh, you don’t have to worry about things like that anymore,’ said St Peter. ‘You can eat whatever you want here, no matter how fatty it is, and it’s all free. That’s the beauty of Heaven!’
With that, the husband threw his hat to the ground in a fit of temper.
‘What’s the problem?’ asked St Peter.
Turning to his wife, the husband snapped: ‘This is all your fault, Ethel. If it weren’t for your goddam bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!’
A large, elderly woman was waiting at the side of the road. When a young man approached, she asked him: ‘Can you see me across the road?’
He said: ‘I can see you from half a mile away!’
An old lady phoned the police late one night and reported a sex maniac in her apartment.