by Nick Harris
A store manager overheard a sales assistant saying to an elderly customer: ‘No, madam, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.’
Alarmed by what he was hearing, the manager rushed over to the customer as she was exiting the store and said: ‘I’m sorry, madam, you were given incorrect information. Of course we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it earlier this week.’
Then the manager pulled the sales assistant to one side and growled: ‘Never, ever say we don’t have something. If we haven’t got it, say we ordered it and we’re expecting it any day. Do you understand? Now what was it she wanted?’
The assistant said: ‘Rain.’
A woman walked up to the cash desk in a clothes store carrying a pack of white sports socks. She said to the sales assistant: ‘Would you mind opening the pack so that I can feel how soft the socks are?’
Reluctantly the assistant tore open the package, allowing the woman to examine the socks. Eventually she said, ‘Yes, these are fine’, and handed the pack back to the assistant.
But as the assistant started to ring up the sale on the cash register, the woman said: ‘No, I don’t want that pack! It’s been opened.’
A man called in to a twenty-four-hour grocery store just as the owner was locking up.
‘Hey,’ said the man. ‘Your sign says you’re open twenty-four hours.’
‘We are,’ replied the owner, ‘but not all at once.’
A man was browsing around a magic shop looking for a novelty gift when the shop owner went over to him and said: ‘I’ve got just the thing for you, sir – magic glasses. They cost eight hundred dollars but they’re worth it because when you wear them, you can see people naked. Here, try them on.’
So the man put on the magic glasses and, sure enough, the shop owner appeared naked. And when his pretty young assistant walked by, she was naked, too. When he removed the glasses, everybody was fully clothed.
‘These are great,’ said the man. ‘I’ll buy them.’
Wearing the glasses, he left the shop and headed back to his place of work. Everybody he passed in the street was naked – old men, young women and police officers alike – and he was so thrilled with his purchase that he decided to surprise his wife at home before returning to the office.
He was still wearing the glasses when he entered the living room where his wife and a male neighbour were sitting on the sofa completely naked. As they recoiled in horror at being discovered, the husband laughed: ‘I can see you naked!’ He then took off the glasses, but they were still naked.
‘Well, I’ll be damned!’ he groaned. ‘Eight hundred dollars for a pair of magic glasses – and after only half an hour they’re broken!’
A man went to a store to buy a chimney. ‘How much is this one?’ he asked.
‘Oh,’ replied the sales assistant, ‘it’s on the house.’
Two lions were walking down the aisle of a supermarket. One turned to the other and said: ‘Quiet in here today, isn’t it?’
A rough woman took her four-year-old son shopping but when they arrived home, she was surprised to find a chocolate bar in his pocket.
‘Where did you get this bar of chocolate?’ she yelled. ‘You didn’t buy it and I didn’t buy it! Have you been stealing?’
The boy hung his head in shame.
‘Right,’ she said, grabbing his coat, ‘we’re going straight back to the shopping mall . . . but this time we’re calling in at the jewellers!’
A customer walked into a downtown hardware store and asked the manager: ‘Do you have any brackets?’
‘No, sorry.’
‘Well, do you have any screwdrivers?’
‘No, I’m afraid we’re out of those, too.’
‘What about hammers? Do you have any hammers?’
‘Sorry, no.’
‘Pliers?’
‘No.’
‘Spanners?’
‘No.’
‘Door handles?’
‘No.’
‘This is a total waste of time!’ raged the customer. ‘If you don’t have anything in stock, you might as well lock up the damn shop!’
‘I can’t,’ said the manager. ‘I don’t have a key.’
Sport
American Football
The coach of a college football team walked into the locker room before a game, turned to his star player and said: ‘I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed maths, but we need you out there. So I’m gonna ask you a maths question, and if you get it right you can play.’
The player agreed, and the coach looked intently into his eyes and said: ‘Okay, now concentrate. What is two plus two?’
The player thought for a moment and answered: ‘Four.’
‘Four!’ the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began yelling: ‘Come on coach, give him another chance!’
A freshman built like a human colossus tried out for the college football team.
‘Can you tackle?’ asked the coach.
‘Sure I can,’ said the freshman, and he proceeded to run straight into a telephone pole, shattering it into splinters.
‘Pretty impressive,’ nodded the coach. ‘Can you run?’
‘Sure I can run,’ said the freshman, and he shot away to cover a hundred metres in just over ten seconds.
‘Great!’ said the coach. ‘But can you pass a ball?’
‘Well,’ replied the freshman hesitantly, ‘I guess if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.’
Baseball
One day, the Devil challenged God to a baseball game between Hell and Heaven.
‘You don’t have a chance,’ said God. ‘I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle and all the greatest players up here.’
‘Yes,’ grinned the Devil, ‘but I have all the umpires.’
What’s the difference between a New York Yankees fan and a dentist?
– One roots for the yanks, the other yanks for the roots.
Reading through a magazine, a woman suddenly started laughing. Turning to her husband, she said: ‘There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the Yankees. You wouldn’t swap me for a season ticket, would you?’
‘Of course not, honey,’ replied the husband. ‘The season’s half over.’
A baseball team manager who had an ulcer visited his doctor.
The doctor advised: ‘You have to remember not to get too excited. Don’t get so worked up, and try to forget all about baseball when you’re off the field. After all, it’s only a game. By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?’
Golf
A golfer put his tee shot at the first hole deep into a wood, but reckoned there was sufficient gap through the trees for him to get back on to the fairway with his second shot. But he miscalculated, and the ball smashed into a tree, rebounded onto his forehead and killed him.
As the man approached the gates of Heaven, golf club in hand, St Peter saw him and called out: ‘Were you a good golfer?’
The golfer replied: ‘Well, I got here in two, didn’t I?’
Two strangers, John and Jerry, had paired up for a round of golf, but the afternoon was being spoiled by the slow play of two women in front. On the twelfth hole, John had suffered enough and marched towards the women to ask whether they would let him and his partner play through. He got halfway there and suddenly turned back.
‘I’m sorry,’ he explained to Jerry, ‘but when I got closer, I realized that one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Will you go and talk to them instead?’
So Jerry walked towards the two women. But then he, too, stopped halfway before turning back.
‘What’s the problem?’ asked John.
Jerry said: ‘It’s a small world . . .’
A golfer was lining up his shot when a v
oice from the clubhouse called out: ‘Would the gentleman on the ladies’ tee please move back to the men’s tee!’
The golfer ignored the request and continued with his practice swings. The voice called out again: ‘Sir, will you please move back to the men’s tee now!’
The golfer carried on regardless and was just addressing the ball when the voice called out for a third time: ‘This is your final warning! Move back to the men’s tee immediately or I will have you thrown off the course.’
The golfer turned angrily in the direction of the clubhouse and shouted back: ‘Do you mind being quiet while I play my second shot!’
As Tom and Ted set off for their weekly round of golf, Tom suggested: ‘To add a bit of interest, let’s have a bet of twenty dollars on the game.’
Ted agreed, and they enjoyed a close-fought match. With one hole to play, Tom led by a single stroke, but then on the eighteenth he hooked his ball into the rough.
‘Help me find my ball,’ he called to Ted. ‘You search over there, I’ll look around here.’
After five minutes of fruitless searching, Tom, knowing that he was facing a disastrous penalty for a lost ball, sneakily pulled a ball from his pocket, dropped it on the ground and called out triumphantly: ‘Hey, I’ve found my ball!’
Ted looked across at him in disgust. ‘After all the years we’ve been friends,’ he said, ‘how could you cheat on me at golf for a measly few bucks?’
‘What do you mean – cheat?’ protested Tom. ‘I found my ball sitting right there!’
‘And a liar, too!’ exclaimed Ted in disbelief.
‘What makes you think I’m lying?’ yelled Tom.
‘Because’, said Ted, ‘I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!’
After a terrible round, a golfer reached the eighteenth hole and spotted a lake beside the fairway. In despair he said to his caddie: ‘I’ve played so badly today, I’m going to drown myself in that lake!’
The caddie gave him a withering glare and said: ‘Do you think you’ll be able to keep your head down that long?’
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
A below par performance is considered good.
You can still make money doing it as a senior.
You can stop in the middle and have a couple of beers.
Three times a day is possible.
If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
You don’t have to cuddle your partner when you’re finished.
You get to play a different hole every fifteen minutes.
Foursomes are encouraged.
A golfer was about to tee off when a beautiful naked lady ran past him. Although the incident distracted him somewhat, being a committed golfer he resumed his stance and addressed the ball once more. However, just as he was about to hit the shot, two men in white coats ran past him. He scratched his head in bewilderment . . . just as a third man in a white coat ran past him, carrying two buckets of sand.
Finally he was able to drive off and headed down the fairway, where he asked his playing partner if he had any idea what had been going on.
His companion said: ‘Well, once a week that lady manages to escape from the mental hospital next to the course, tears off her clothes, and runs across the fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to see who can catch her first, and the winner gets to carry her back.’
‘What about the buckets of sand?’
‘Well, that guy won last week; the buckets of sand are his handicap.’
A man who was a keen golfer phoned the doctor. ‘Doctor, come quick, this is an emergency! My young son has swallowed my golf tees!’
‘Okay,’ said the doctor, ‘I’ll be with you as soon as I can.’
‘Tell me what to do till you get here.’
The doctor said: ‘Practise your putting.’
A ladies’ golfing foursome was about to tee off when a male streaker suddenly emerged from some bushes and ran across the fairway.
One lady gasped: ‘I think I know him. Isn’t that Dick Green?’
‘No,’ said another. ‘I think it’s a reflection of the grass.’
A twenty-four-handicap golfer played the same course every week, and whenever he arrived at the par three eleventh hole, where the tee shot was over a lake, he took out an old ball because he invariably drove it into the water.
One night before his regular Friday round he had a vivid dream in which a booming voice told him he would birdie the eleventh the following day.
The next day he played his usual game, but when he stepped on to the eleventh tee, a voice boomed: ‘Take out a new ball.’
Remembering the dream, he excitedly took out a brand new ball from his golf bag. ‘Now take a practice swing,’ boomed the voice.
So he took a practice swing.
And the voice boomed: ‘Put back the old ball.’
Horse Racing
A man owned a racehorse that had never won a race. Finally the owner lost patience and warned the horse: ‘Either you win this afternoon or you’ll be pulling a milk cart tomorrow morning.’
That afternoon, the horse was lined up with the others in the starting gate. As the stalls opened, the rest of the field raced away, but as the gate was removed, the owner saw his horse fast asleep on the track.
Angrily he ran over, kicked the horse and yelled: ‘Why are you sleeping?’
The horse wearily lifted its head and replied: ‘I have to get up at half past three in the morning.’
A horse was leading by ten lengths in the Derby with just two furlongs to go. Then suddenly the jockey was hit by a barrage of sausage rolls and pork pies. He managed to keep control of the horse, only to be struck by a dish of smoked salmon and several chicken drumsticks. He still had the horse just in front inside the final furlong until a blow on the head from a bottle of Chardonnay and a chocolate cake saw him relinquish the lead and finish only second. The angry jockey marched straight to the stewards to complain that he’d been hampered.
Soccer
A soccer goalkeeper was walking along the street one day when he heard screams coming from an apartment block. He looked up to see smoke billowing from a fifth-floor window and a woman leaning out holding her baby.
‘Help! Help!’ cried the woman. ‘I need someone to catch my baby.’
A crowd of onlookers had assembled, but nobody was confident about catching a baby dropped from such a great height. Then the goalkeeper stepped forward. ‘I’m a professional goalkeeper,’ he called to the woman. ‘I’m famous for my safe hands. Drop the baby and I promise I will catch it. For me, it will just be like catching a ball.’
The woman agreed and shouted back: ‘Okay. When I drop my baby, treat it as if you were catching a ball.’
On a count of three, the woman dropped the baby. Everyone held their breath as the goalkeeper positioned himself to catch it. There was a huge sigh of relief, followed by wild cheering, as the goalkeeper caught the baby safely in his arms. Then he bounced it twice on the ground and kicked it fifty yards down the street.
A man who had been a Chelsea fan all his life suddenly switched his allegiance to Crystal Palace.
‘Why have you started watching Crystal Palace?’ asked his neighbour.
The man said: ‘My doctor said I should avoid excitement.’
The coach of a struggling soccer club was furious when he spotted two lads climbing over the stadium wall. He grabbed them by the scruff of the neck and threw them back, shouting: ‘You stay in there and watch the match till the end like everyone else!’
A man went into a barber’s shop that advertised David Beckham-style haircuts. Fifteen minutes later, he glanced in the mirror and saw his scalp erratically shaven and his head covered in cuts.
The man protested: ‘That’s not how David Beckham has his hair!’
The barber said: ‘It would be if he came here.’
Three elderly soccer fans were in a church praying. The first one asked: ‘Oh Lord,
when will England next win the World Cup?’
And the Lord replied: ‘In eleven years’ time.’
‘But I’ll be dead by then,’ said the first old man.
The second old man asked: ‘Oh Lord, when will Manchester City win the Champions League?’
And the Lord replied: ‘In fifteen years’ time.’
‘But I’ll be dead by then,’ said the second old man.
The third old man asked: ‘Oh Lord, when will Nottingham Forest next win the Premier League?’
And the Lord answered: ‘I’ll be dead by then!’
The Seven Dwarfs got trapped in a mineshaft. Snow White ran to the entrance and shouted down to them. From the dark depths a voice called back: ‘Scotland will win the 2014 World Cup.’
Snow White breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Thank God,’ she said. ‘At least we know Dopey’s still alive!’
Travel
A man went to a travel agent to book his summer holiday. He told the travel agent: ‘Last year you sold me a holiday to Mauritius and my wife got pregnant. The year before you sold me a holiday to the Bahamas and my wife got pregnant again. And the year before that it was Florida and my wife got pregnant then, too.’