Silent Cry

by Dorothy J. Newton

  “You know, I used to ask my mom, ‘Why can’t you have another baby?’ Now I understand why she was so hesitant.”

  Tré paused briefly.

  “I’m about to graduate with a degree in corporate communications. Then I start graduate school, and I hope to get into sports management. I want to do something within sports, but I don’t want to get into coaching. Any sport is okay with me, but I’m drawn to football.”

  “Will you continue at the University of Texas?” I asked.

  “Yes, I’ll do graduate school at UT. My scholarship for football doesn’t run out until May 2013, so I can get a lot of my graduate school done. I was placed on medical scholarship, and I’m really grateful to be able to continue my education.”

  “How did you feel when you had to give up playing football?”

  “That was a rough time. It still is. I’ve been around football my whole life. It was really hard to give it up. I knew I had to stop because I couldn’t recover from concussions. You can’t play football worried or scared. I started second-guessing myself. Maybe I can avoid hits . . . I realized then I couldn’t play football if I was worried about getting hurt. When you play, you have to be all in. If you’re worried about getting hit, you’re going to blow it for the whole team. I was starting to feel selfish. I thought about what would happen if I ended up with permanent brain damage and how it would affect my mom.

  “I’m still involved with the team, and sometimes I still think about playing. I miss it. I was really happy when I played football. I’m a student coach now. For the games, I’m in the press box and linked up with the running backs coach. I still enjoy this. I still really love football.”

  “You know your mother is extremely proud of you. Is there anything you would like to say to her?”

  “I want her to know I love her and would do anything for her,” he said without hesitation. “I think it’s amazing that she was able to raise me how she did while going through all that. She came out strong. She is always looking to help others, and I hope I’ll always have her same servant attitude. She doesn’t even know how to be selfish. I want to take that from her.”

  “Is there anything you would like to say to your dad?”

  “To my dad — I want to say I’m proud of him and happy. He’s done a lot of wrong things in his life, but all his sins are forgiven. Stuff he did in the past — I know it still affects my mom; it still affects me, but what’s done is done. At the end of the day, he’s my dad, and I respect him. I’m happy he has changed and is trying to go in the right direction. I can see a big change in him. He’s not the same person I grew up with at all.

  “Uncle Monte and Uncle K-Mart really looked after me too. While my dad was in prison, they treated me like I was their son. I know if anything ever happened, I could go to them, and they would be there for me. While my dad was messing up, they stepped in and were role models for me. They were the ones I looked up to in order to learn how a man should treat a woman, how a man should act. I watched how my uncle K-Mart treated my auntie Lynn. My uncle Monte taught me more about the Bible and the business side of things. Uncle K-Mart taught me by example — I watched him and learned. Uncle Monte taught me by sharing his experiences. I am really grateful to them.”

  “Talk to me about King,” I urged. “Your mom tells me he really looks up to you and admires you, that when you went away to school, it was hard for him.”

  “King is the person I care about most in life. I want to make sure he’s alright. I would always tell King he should be thankful for how things have turned out [with the divorce]. He is mad that my dad is not around now. He has a great mom. I don’t know if he really realizes how great she is. He was really little during the worst part, so I don’t think he remembers much.

  “King looks at other families, and it bothers him. Most of the kids in Southlake have a mom and a dad. Dad only comes around for sports. Maybe King doesn’t feel like Dad cares about other parts of life — I don’t know. He is longing for a father figure in his life. When I left, it bothered him. He isn’t as close to Uncle Monte and Uncle K-Mart as I was. He’ll be alright, though. He’s got my mom, and she never gives up.”

  “Is there anything else you want to say? About the book release maybe?” I ask.

  “Honestly, I’m not 100 percent excited about bringing up the past, but I trust my mom completely. She feels like God has told her to write the book. I trust her motive to help others — she is always about helping others — and she feels a calling on her heart to do this. I trust it will work out for the best. I’m proud of her and support her.”

  King Newton, Age Fourteen

  I met with King and his mom on a Sunday afternoon in Dorothy’s home office. I liked him from the moment I saw him. He was my kind of kid. Even though he was a somewhat reluctant interviewee, he was polite and willing to talk with me because his mom had asked him to. He was handsome, with a smile that made me melt.

  King was less open than Tré had been. He sat in the chair, slouching down, eyeing the door. “Sit up straight, King,” Dorothy told him.

  “What?” he answered her, smiling and chuckling.

  “What can you tell me about what it was like for you growing up?” I asked. “I know you were really young when your parents divorced and your dad went to prison.”

  King took a moment to think. “I didn’t like how other kids would bring up my dad or how he was arrested for drugs just to get at me. You know, everyone thought we were rich because my dad played for the Cowboys, and we really didn’t have much. People always thought we had it made. I also didn’t like that they expected me to be great at football because my dad was so good. You don’t inherit sports.

  “I remember going to jail to see my dad. I remember eating chicken wings from the vending machine, and that I would just go play on the see-saw while they talked.

  “Some kids teased me because my dad was in jail. They would say stuff like, ‘My parents told me he sold drugs and that he was a bad person.’ It used to make me really mad. Some parents wouldn’t let their kids play with me because of it. It didn’t seem fair. I didn’t sell the drugs!”

  Dorothy chimed in. “Nate would always tell the boys stories about him and his dad. He told them all the time that his dad was such a wise man. Well, one time during a visit, King was sitting on Nate’s lap, and he said to Nate, ‘You always tell stories about your dad. Why didn’t you ever listen to him?’ ” Dorothy and King both started laughing.

  “That made Nate really, really mad,” Dorothy said. “King knew something wasn’t right; he was just too young to really understand what was going on.”

  “I’m kind of close to my dad now, though,” King said. “I go to his house sometimes. He comes to watch me play football. All he talks about with me, though, is football and my grades. Just football and grades. Well, my mom talks about my grades all the time too. Mostly when they’re bad,” he said, giving his mom an impish look.

  “What about Tré being gone?” I ask.

  “It’s a lot different with Tré being gone. It was a lot more fun when he was around. My mom is too serious now. I text him sometimes, but we only talk when I see him. I miss having him around.

  “I wish I would have been there when my dad hurt my mom,” he said, changing the subject. “I would have stopped it. I would have done something. I would have told him to stop, or I would have pushed him or something. I would rather him hit me than her. I would have told the police — I don’t know, something.”

  Dorothy’s face is very soft. King is looking down at the floor, but I can see her looking at him with so much love. I don’t think they have talked about this in a very long time.

  “I want my mom to start dating people. I wish she would relax a little more and have more fun. I mean, she goes out with friends, but mostly she does stuff for other people, like charities and stuff. Every month, we do SASO [Scholars and Athletes Serving Others], and we also do Jack and Jill and different activities for parents, lock-ins,
team building, and things like that. My mom works really hard. She always has to take care of stuff and has too much stress. I want her to have more fun. I want her to date.”

  “He’s always telling me he wants me to start dating,” Dorothy rolls her eyes.

  “What do you want to be when you grow up, King?” I ask.

  “I would like to go into the NFL and make some money. I would invest it in an international shipping business — you know, ship cargo and different things. I always wanted to own my own business.

  “Tré was my role model,” he said, shifting topics. “He’s a really, really good person. I’m like the opposite of Tré. I’m talkative and happy; Tré is more secluded. He was a really good football player, though.

  “I used to worry that Tré would grow up and be abusive like my dad. It would scare me when he got mad because he would yell. I watch to make sure how he talks to his girlfriend. I want him to be okay and not have anger issues.

  “Me, I’m more verbal when I’m angry. I never get physical. People compare me to Tré a lot, like teachers and coaches. He was a football champion and a super student, so they expect me to be just like him, and I’m not. I’m my own person. I’m different than he is.”

  “King handles this really well,” Dorothy interjected. “He is developing and becoming his own person, separate from Tré. Tré’s expectations of King are that he should be more like him, study harder, etc. He thinks I let King get away with things, but King is very different from Tré. Every child has to be parented differently, in ways that suit their personality and gifts.

  “King is the most affectionate, caring young man,” she continued. “He is honest. He’ll tell it all like it is without a filter,” she said with a laugh. “He is very wise for his age. He came home a few years ago and said to me, ‘You know what, Mom? I’m glad you work. I’m glad you share the Bible with people. If you stayed at home all the time with just me, you wouldn’t reach all those people.’ ”

  “King loves to be around people,” Dorothy affirmed. “He likes crowds and is very extroverted. He wants me to remarry. He asks me about it all the time. I think he just wants a man around on a more regular basis. He notices things going on in other people’s lives, and when he comes home, he’ll tell me who we need to pray for. I just really want the best for him.”

  King shoots her another look, admiration mixed with something like, You’re really embarrassing me.

  “Am I done?” he asks.

  “Alright, alright. You can go,” Dorothy says.

  King is out the door, quick as lightning.

  “Young man,” Dorothy says with that “Oh, no you didn’t” tone of voice, “you come back here. You shake Mrs. Wendy’s hand. Tell her thank you. Where are your manners?”

  “Sorry, Ma,” he calls out, coming back to shake my hand. “Thanks!” — and he’s gone.

  APPENDIX 1

  Why Won’t She Leave?

  The cold facts are that one out of four women in America will experience some type of domestic violence in their lifetime. Obviously, the safest choice is always to leave a dangerous or threatening situation, but many victims do not feel they can make this choice. Here are some reasons a woman might choose to remain in an abusive situation.

  Nurturer by nature. Many women struggle to place their own well-being above the love they have for their partner. For women who are nurturers by nature, leaving can seem like a selfish choice.

  Economics. Most families require two incomes to survive. For many women, the man is still the chief breadwinner. Some women work only part-time or not at all. Concerns over how to provide for housing, transportation, clothing, shelter, and education are among the top reasons for staying with an abuser.

  Custody. Losing custody of children is one of the greatest reasons cited for staying. When money is an issue, a mother faces a genuine fear that she will not be able to keep custody. Leaving the children to live with an abuser, unable to be there as a buffer or to protect them, is a legitimate concern. This causes many victims to put up with whatever they have to in order to remain close to their kids.

  Shame. Shame and the fear of isolation are powerful restraints. Victims are often convinced they did something to cause the abuse. They also believe they can do something that will make it stop. Physical abuse often leads to sexual abuse, even within the confines of marriage. This is a very difficult thing for a woman to talk about.

  Denial. Because abuse is cyclical, there are often seasons of calm or even “good times.” In the calm times, it can seem as if things have changed, maybe for good this time. Many women believe each abusive episode will be the last. They convince themselves that the worst is over and abuse will never happen again. The longer the time lapse between episodes, the harder it is to leave.

  No hope. For a woman trapped in abuse, the situation seems hopeless. She feels trapped, and she’s convinced that she has no choice but to suffer. Although this is not the case, in her mind she has no choice because no alternatives make sense. The emotional damage she experiences is severe. It cripples her self-esteem and renders her powerless to make decisions, particularly as they affect her own health, safety, and well-being.

  APPENDIX 2

  How Do I Help Her?

  Build her up. When a woman shares her situation with you, even when she is unwilling to reveal all the details, it is important to acknowledge her feelings and stress that the abuse is not her fault. She does not deserve to be punished by abuse. Let her know that what she is going through is terrible, but she doesn’t have to go through it alone — you are with her and for her. Give her the confidence of knowing that you will stick with her, no matter what she decides to do. Let her know that you are a safe place where she can come to talk and, if necessary, to have action steps put into place to intervene.

  Remind her that she has choices, and give her strong encouragement. Affirm her for sharing her situation with you, and note how it demonstrates that she is doing something right. Resist the temptation to say things like, “What you need to do is . . .” or “If anyone ever hit me, I would . . .” Such statements only damage her self-esteem more. It is easy to say what you would do or what she should do, but you are not the one suffering the abuse. If you were, you might see things less clearly.

  Pray. Pray for her, and pray with her. Pray for her safety and that of her children. Pray that God would intervene in the life of her abuser. Just knowing that someone is praying can bring enormous encouragement to her soul.

  Help her create a safety plan. Helping her create a safety plan is one of the most valuable and empowering things you can do. The website for the National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.thehotline.org) provides practical guidance for a variety of situations, including safety planning with children, pets, during pregnancy, and while living with an abuser. You can also call anonymously, and they answer the phones 24/7. The number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Their staff is available to assist victims (and anyone calling on their behalf) with crisis intervention, safety planning, and referrals to shelters and agencies in all fifty states. They offer valuable information for victims and victim support, as well as someone to talk to who can provide help.

  Help her create a financial plan. An important part of creating an action plan is assessing potential financial resources. A loss of financial support is one of the chief reasons women remain with their abusers. Help her assess what she has available, and put a plan in place to set money aside, develop job skills or seek employment, access financial assistance through government or charitable organizations, and perhaps even speak with family members who might support her while she gets on her feet. Helping her develop a workable financial plan to support herself without her abuser’s income will empower her and allow her to make better choices.

  Be trustworthy and remain supportive. It may take some time before an abuse victim is ready to take action. It can be difficult to remain patient and understanding when you know someone you care about is living with abuse. But tryi
ng to compel her to act before she’s ready may place her at increased risk of abuse. You must be sensitive and aware. However, if you believe her life is in immediate danger, contact the authorities. Then be prepared to stand by her until she is safe from harm. Victims of abuse have difficulty trusting other people. Betrayal is real to them, and they have been repeatedly hurt by someone they love. It is important that you be trustworthy. If she confided in you, it was a big step for her. Take your cues from her, and make sure she knows she can always trust you and rely on you.

  Encourage her to learn self-defense. Learning self-defense techniques is a valuable skill set for everyone, but it can make the difference between life and death for victims of abuse. Depending on the situation, it may not be possible for a woman to take a self-defense class, but resources are available that can help. For example, the National Domestic Violence Hotline website (www.thehotline.org) encourages women to make themselves a small target by curling into a ball and to avoid wearing scarves or long jewelry that might be used for choking or strangling. Identifying available resources (online and in the community) may help her to defend herself and limit the damage from a physical attack.

  Encourage her to grow in self-awareness. It is very important for a victim of abuse to become self-aware. She can combat the emotional damage inflicted by her abuser by deflecting the ugly words and reminding herself of her value and worth. This is easier said than done, but the greater her self-awareness, the less power the abuser has over her. You can help by reminding her of her value and affirming her in her strengths. If she is a Christian, encourage her to take refuge in God’s Word. Filling her mind with the truth of what God says about who she is will help deflect the damage of what her abuser says about her. This is a powerful practice that should not be underestimated.