Silent Cry
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APPENDIX 3
I Am Being Abused. What Should I Do?
Reach out to others. First, know that you are not alone. You are the victim. One out of every four of your women friends has also experienced some type of domestic violence. Being abused is not your fault. Don’t isolate yourself by shutting people out. Isolation is dangerous. You need to reach out to someone and let them know you need help. You have someone who can and will help you — a friend, a family member, a church, or an abuse shelter.
If you are uncomfortable speaking with a friend or family member, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can call them anonymously. There are people available 24/7 to answer questions, direct you to local assistance, or just to talk. For additional information, access their website at www.thehotline.org. You’ll find practical information to help you protect yourself now and to create a plan if and when you decide to leave.
Reach up to God. Calling on the Lord is not a platitude or a last-ditch effort. He does protect, defend, comfort, deliver, and heal. Spending time with him, meditating on his Word, and worshiping him can bring hope and great inner strength when you need it. It will also fill your mind and heart with truth. Believing the lies and negative things an abuser has said during a shouting match serves only to lower your self-esteem and give your abuser power over you. Shouting back is a natural response, but it only escalates the abuse.
Instead, focus on what God says about you by trying to see yourself through his eyes. Dare to believe his promises and the grace-filled truth that he has a destiny for your life that no one should ever be given the power to deny. You are beautiful. You are unique and special and one of a kind. You are precious in God’s sight. He esteems you highly and has numbered the very hairs on your head. He is grieved when you suffer, and he captures your tears in remembrance. Reach up to him. Call on him. He is always there.
APPENDIX 4
Why Do Abusers Abuse?
It is easy to sympathize with a victim and easier still to vilify an abuser. What makes someone abuse another human being? Why do some people turn to violence and cruelty, particularly with people they love?
Research clearly demonstrates that abuse patterns repeat for generations. If children were abused or witnessed a loved one being abused, they are much more likely to grow up and be abusive. Watching cruelty go unpunished or internalizing values that violence is normal and acceptable contributes to this generational curse. Likewise, victims of childhood abuse are more likely to seek out unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships in which they again become victims.
People who deal with emotional discomfort through addictive behaviors such as alcohol, drug abuse, unrestrained shopping, and gambling are more likely to become abusive. Abuse itself becomes an addiction. It is a coping mechanism.
Abusers tend to deny their responsibility, even when they come back and apologize. They’ll say, “That wasn’t really me,” or “I just lost control” — or some similar excuse — rather than try to repair the damage or change their behavior. No matter how excessive the abusive behavior is, they seem to find a way to excuse it. They blame a “trigger” event, not their lack of self-control, for the violent outburst. Unless and until abusers can accept personal responsibility for their actions — for choosing to harm another person — little can be done to help them.
Abuse victims sometimes say that on the day after an abusive episode, abusers often seem to have little or no memory of what occurred. They act as if nothing ever happened. Stranger still, abusers often demonstrate outrage at the abusive behavior of others, without recognizing similarities in their own abusive tendencies and behavior.
Abuse tends to go in cycles. It begins with a buildup of tension, followed by a violent outburst, the denial of responsibility, an apology driven by guilt, and then a period of calm. Then the cycle repeats itself and can continue for years.
Abusers demonstrate behavior that is egocentric and self-absorbed. They see the world only as it impacts them and have little awareness of how they impact their world. They excuse their violent behavior as a legitimate response to the injustice or unfair treatment they have received. Their demands are self-centered, and their need to control their victims is obsessive. Having to cover up their bad behavior leads to lies and deception, a lifestyle pattern that is difficult to reverse.
The good news is that abusers can change. But they cannot do it alone. If you are an abuser, or if you recognize abusive tendencies in yourself, one of the best first steps you can take is to seek the support of a qualified counselor. You also need an accountability structure. Find a close friend — not your spouse — with whom you will be honest and who you know will be honest with you. Ask them to meet with you regularly and to hold you accountable for your actions. Give them permission to intervene if you violate your partner through violence again.
Ultimately, your avenue for deliverance and restoration is the same as it is for every other human being, which is a surrendered relationship with God. God’s love and forgiveness are available for you. His forgiveness isn’t partial; it is complete, total. It covers all your sins, not just select sins. You can be forgiven. God can deliver you, heal you, redeem you, change you, and give you the opportunity to lead a whole, functional life.
Nate Newton found God. It was not until after the divorce and his prison sentence that he came to the reality that he was never going to be “good enough” through his own efforts. He needed God to step in and cleanse him. But he chose to change, to let God change him — and you can too.
Maybe you consider yourself a Christian and wonder why you remain abusive. Have you admitted your sin? Acknowledged your guilt? Have you repented and asked for God’s forgiveness? Have you accepted his sacrifice, believing it is sufficient for you? Do you understand that the same grace that covers lying and stealing and adultery and murder also covers cruelty and violence and abuse? Sin is sin in the eyes of God. Total forgiveness and amazing grace provide an opportunity to live free again. Jesus paid the price for you. You have but to receive his sacrifice.