Hindsight

by Leddy Harper

  “It needs to look like an accident, like a car wreck or something. She volunteers at some animal shelter a few days a week, you can catch her on the way there. I don’t care what you do, as long as it doesn’t come back to me. You hear me? I need her gone, but I need to be as far from it as possible. And it can’t happen too soon. Maybe plan for a couple of months from now. If it’s too soon they’ll question me. Oh, and don’t let me know when you’re going to do it. I don’t want the details or plans. I need to be just as surprised as she is.” He laughed at something said on the other line. “Yeah, I have to play the mourning husband. That’ll be the best act I’ve ever played.” And the laughing continued.

  There was more silence, and I feared he had heard the sound of my pounding heart echo through the room. He was planning to have me killed. Everything was making sense to me, and I knew I didn’t have any more time to plan. I had to act. I had to leave him before he could get rid of me. If I died, it would have to be by his hands, not some anonymous person on the other end of his phone call.

  “I’ve got some cash to hold me over until then,” he continued. “It’s not much, but it will have to do for a couple of months. I just can’t wait too long because I’ll have to pay it back, and the interest on those loans are killer.”

  Tony made more agreeing sounds and then agreed to end all contact until the specified time. Whenever that was. I didn’t want to wait and find out, either. I needed to act—fast—if I wanted any chance at surviving his plan.

  The door to his office opened and then closed, and I waited in a fear-induced coma until I heard the pounding of his feet on the stairs above my head. That was when I moved as quickly as possible. I needed to stay quiet, but not linger. Once he knew I wasn’t upstairs, he would come looking for me.

  I ran to the front door, opening it and closing it loudly behind me, and then made my way to the kitchen as calmly as I could. It was difficult to act like I hadn’t just heard my own husband plotting my death. I knew he was evil, but I never allowed myself to believe him capable of going to the lengths of having me killed.

  I had so much running through my head, so much to process. He was plotting with someone to kill me. To fucking kill me! I had no idea who this person was so I couldn’t even defend myself from him. Or them. I didn’t even know how many to be worried about. And how had he known about the animal shelter? He had never said anything to me about it. Thinking about all of the things I thought I had kept hidden from him only worried me more. He knew, just never voiced it to me. What else did he know? Did he know about the pawnshop or about how I would return clothes for money? I began to feel paranoid as thoughts filled my mind.

  I pulled out the lasagna and slid in the sheet of bread to toast on broil, pretending it was any other day. I was concentrating on my breathing, making myself take slow, even breaths. Slow and even. I pulled the salad out of the refrigerator and placed the bowl on the island counter top.

  I screamed.

  Tony was standing directly across from me.

  “Oh, goodness. You startled me,” I said with a fake chuckle. “I didn’t hear you come in.” I looked at him for a sign that he knew I had just been in his office, but there was none. It was just my guilty conscience playing tricks on me. “Dinner’s ready. Why don’t you fix us a drink?”

  He nodded and my plan to get him out of the kitchen worked.

  I sagged against the counter as soon as he was gone. My heart couldn’t take much more of this sneaking around. If this continued, he needn’t worry. I’d die of a fucking heart attack.

  I finished plating our dinner and then served it like a trained server in a five-star restaurant. I was so proud of myself that my hands didn’t shake; I found myself smiling a triumphant smile at that.

  We sat in silence as we both ate. The lasagna was good, so I hoped he wouldn’t complain about it.

  “So where were you when I got home?” he asked through bites of food.

  I gulped and thought about how to respond to his question. “In the kitchen. You walked in on me, remember?”

  “I had been home for a bit before then. Where were you?” he asked again, this time in a tone that told me he was on to me.

  “Oh, I must’ve been outside. I was working on the bushes and then cleaned up the mess. I went straight to the kitchen once I was done. Didn’t even have time to change clothes,” I said, motioning to the soil stains on my shirt. I knew that was only asking for a punishment, sitting at the dinner table in dirty clothes. But if that meant he wouldn’t question my whereabouts, then so be it.

  ”I don’t know why you care so much about those damn roses. Maybe I’ll have you buried beneath them when the time comes. Would you like that, Charlotte?” His voice was menacing and eerie. It made my skin crawl, especially after the conversation I had overheard in his office.

  I knew his game. He was goading me to see if I had heard him. I wouldn’t play into it. I just smiled and nodded. “Well, I certainly don’t want to be buried in the backyard, but a gravesite with beautiful rosebushes would be nice.”

  He got up and abruptly left the table.

  I sat their stunned. That was it? He was done? Where was he going? What was he planning to do? My mind raced at all the possibilities.

  Then I heard the front door open and close with a loud bang. That was it. He was just leaving. I was confused, and then relieved until I heard something outside. I heard thumping or something; I couldn’t determine what it was.

  I got up and looked through the window. I gasped at what I saw. Tony had gotten the clippers from the garage. The heavy-duty clippers that could cut through anything and everything. They were my go-to clippers for tough jobs. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was using my clippers to demolish all of my beautiful rosebushes. He was in the process of cutting them methodically, one by one, at the base. I watched one, and then two, and then three go down. The tears welled in my eyes as I watched my prized roses get chopped to death right before my eyes.

  He knew that was the worst thing he could ever do to me. My rosebushes meant the world to me. I never thought he would think to do something that coldhearted. They were my pride and joy as well as the talk of the neighborhood. I delivered the flowers to some of our elderly neighbors weekly when they were blooming and they looked forward to that, as did I.

  I was also petrified that he would see the fresh dirt and dig up my hidden bank.

  I stood there, watching out the window, until I couldn’t take it anymore. I flung the front door open and ran down the steps shouting, “No, please! Tony, no!” I didn’t care what the neighbors thought. I was way past that point. My rosebushes were completely destroyed and my secret stash of money was dangerously close to being discovered.

  I tried to grab the clippers away from him, but couldn’t. He was so much stronger than I was. If I had been thinking clearly, I wouldn’t have even tried, but my mind was clouded by the loss and fear that was running though me.

  He elbowed me in my cheek, which sent me flying. I wondered how many neighbors were watching his display of cruelty. I knew he had to have been pissed if he was striking me outside in front of anyone to see during daylight. The sun was low, almost ready to set, but the sky was still lit, shining light on his dark side for the entire neighborhood to see.

  He looked at me in disgust, then threw the clippers down and went to his car at the front of the house. I cried into my hands, unable to face and survey the damage he’d done to my precious roses. The damage to my heart was too great. I felt like I couldn’t take any more.

  Without even looking at the destroyed rosebushes, I quickly dug up my tin can and made my way back into the house. I couldn’t bear to see the devastation. I got inside and felt completely shattered. He had searched for something that would cause me the most pain. He had won. He had successfully broken me, for the last time. I had nothing left to do but to give up!

  I picked up my phone and dialed Sean’s number. I desperately needed to hear his voice. Even tho
ugh he had ended our relationship, he was the only one I could call—the only one I wanted to call.

  “Hello,” his voice filled the air.

  “Sean,” I sobbed uncontrollably.

  “What’s wrong?” I could tell by his voice that he was on high alert.

  “I – I – I don’t even know what to do,” I choked out. I was more upset than ever. I had never felt this devastated by anything Tony had done. He had destroyed the thing that mattered most to me. It was a means to escape that had developed into a hobby, which had provided more enjoyment than I ever could have imagined. All which was now gone.

  To top it all off, I couldn’t help but think he was sending me a message. First with his comments about burying me beneath roses, and then destroying them once I made the comment about not being buried in the backyard. I already knew his plot to have me killed, but I couldn’t decipher what this message was supposed to have meant.

  “Are you okay?” he asked me with genuine concern.

  “No,” I said softly. “I don’t think I will ever be okay again.”

  “I’m coming over,” he said urgently.

  “No!” I replied quickly. “No, you can’t.”

  “I’m coming over,” he said with finality and hung up the phone.

  I sunk down into a puddle on the floor and sobbed for all it was worth. I felt annihilated. Now Sean was coming over and Tony could come back at any moment. Then what? I would be even worse off, if that were even a possibility.

  I sobbed for what felt like hours before I heard the knock at the door, then felt arms surround me. I grasped the cloth of Sean’s shirt in my fists and cried into his chest.

  “Why are you covered in dirt?” he asked quietly.

  I shrugged into his chest and kept my eyes closed. How was I going to tell him about the information I had overheard in Tony’s office? That he had actually developed a plan to kill me on top of everything else.

  “He ruined my bushes—chopped them all up. He’s trying to send me some kind of message, but I don’t know what,” I confessed as I heaved in his calming scent.

  “I’m so sorry, Charlotte.” He kissed my forehead. “You don’t deserve this. This is why we can’t be together any longer. I can’t stand to see you go through this time and time again. Come home with me and leave him.”

  I shook my head and softly said, “I can’t.”

  He sighed, already knowing I wouldn’t go. “Let’s clean it up then. Shall we?”

  I pulled back from him and looked up into his eyes. The amber color always seemed to bring calmness to me. I loved it when he smiled. His eyes would crinkle up as he smiled with his entire face. Tony never smiled anymore. Sean had strong features and was a looker. I didn’t doubt that he had women in line waiting for him. He kept his hair neat and short on the sides, but fluffy and longer on top. I loved to run my hands through it when we cuddled.

  I finally nodded in agreement that we should clean up. It would be what Tony expected and I couldn’t leave my bushes the way they were. That seemed even worse. I wouldn’t be able to bear looking at the destruction every time I passed by a window.

  Sean wheeled out the recycle bin and we started collecting all the chopped up bushes. I cried as I threw them in the bin. It was cathartic in a way. This was all pushing me toward my goal of leaving him. I just couldn’t do that yet. I had a plan, and I was going to act on it, quicker than I had originally thought, but I still needed to make sure it wasn’t rushed, or things could end up worse. Far worse than what I knew it was going to be.

  Sean didn’t understand why, but he didn’t know everything that I did. He would just have to trust my reasoning. Even if that meant breaking up with me temporarily until things were finalized. When he had first broken up with me, it had been devastating. After I had time to go through the initial break up, I realized that it would be okay. We would end up together in the end; at least I hoped we would.

  Sean helped me prune the bushes properly so that they would hopefully grow back once the season hit again. Only time would tell if they’d make it through the butchering Tony had done. Time would also tell if I would be around to witness their rebirth.

  I could tell that Sean’s disposition was getting worse and worse as the cleanup wore on. I knew it was because of the way he felt toward my relationship with Tony. It almost caused him as much angst as it did me. But what I didn’t expect was for him to become so angry.

  By the time we were finished, Sean wheeled the recycle bin back to its rightful place and started walking toward his car without a word to me. I had expected him to leave, but I hadn’t anticipated it would be like this.

  “Are you leaving without saying goodbye?” I asked him with a tear-stained face while standing in my front yard wearing my gardening gloves. I probably looked ridiculous.

  “What do you expect me to do?” He stopped walking and slowly turned around. His words were practically a shout and it told me of his true emotions. “I can’t stand this!”

  “I know. I’m sorry. Please be patient with me.”

  “I fucking hate this!” he shouted again.

  “Will you come inside for a few minutes? I want to—”

  “No!” he said adamantly while cutting me off. “I don’t want to talk anymore. I’m done, Charlotte. Done. Don’t call me anymore to come running to help you clean up the messes after he leaves. I can’t handle seeing you like this and you aren’t willing to do anything about it.” He strode away and I tried not to cry again.

  I knew how devastated he was by the conversation we had shared when we broke up. I had wanted to tell him what I had overheard in Tony’s office earlier that day. It was the reason why I couldn’t leave Tony at that very moment. But I couldn’t find the words, knowing what he had already sworn to me he would do. His words rang through my ears, hearing him tell me that he would kill Tony and then go to jail if he had to. I couldn’t let him do that for me. It was my battle, Sean had pretty much said so himself when we broke up, and I wouldn’t let him make the ultimate sacrifice for me.

  I was going to leave him, soon… but not that soon. Sean wanted me to get in his car and ride off into the sunset with him, and as much as I wanted that, too, I knew it would only bring the threat to his front door.

  Tony had made plans for me.

  Plans that I would have never thought he was capable of making.

  His plans had changed everything.

  But Sean hadn’t stayed to listen. He hadn’t wanted to learn of those plans.

  Once again, I was left alone.

  January 15th, 2015

  I stared into the mirror above my vanity after saying goodbye to Tony for the day. He was off to work and that left me with time to relax. Everything had been so stressful for me lately and I just needed time to breathe so I had planned to spend my morning down at the animal shelter. But as I stood in front of the mirror, I found myself lost in my thoughts.

  Fifteen days.

  That’s how long it had been since I last smiled.

  Since I last laughed.

  Since I last felt safe.

  I needed to have that again.

  For the first time in as long as I could remember, I didn’t have a single visible bruise or mark on my face. But staring at myself in the mirror, it was as if I could see every scar that I had ever worn, even the emotional ones. Those were actually the worst ones. Those were the ones that tore deep and stayed forever.

  I knew I needed a change. I needed to clean up the mess that my life had become. Sean was right, I couldn’t continue living the way I was. It wasn’t that I looked at my life and wanted it that way. I didn’t look at Tony and want to stay with him. But it took a lot for someone in my shoes to go shoe shopping. I just needed to prepare myself for it. And that started with the mental preparation.

  Fifteen days.

  That’s how long I had been mentally preparing for Tony’s departure from my life.

  Preparing myself to go against the monster.


  Preparing my life in the event it didn’t go as planned.

  There was a large chance that I wouldn’t survive it. Knowing Tony, knowing firsthand what he was capable of, I had to face the fact that I may not have much time left on Earth. And I needed to prepare myself for that.

  I had no family left. No one that loved me enough to care if I died. Except Sean. He was the only one. But even he seemed to have given up on me as well. I had effectively run off anyone that had ever loved me, and isolated myself from everyone except from the one man that hated me more than anything else.

  I studied my hair. It had become a habit ever since Tony had chopped it off. It was just past my shoulders now. I couldn’t wait until it reached my waist once again. My hair had always served as my security blanket. I loved to keep it long so I could hide behind it. When it had been cut short, I had felt like a limb had been chopped off.

  But at least I didn’t have any visible bruises on my face. What a joke.

  The doorbell rang and pulled me from my inner thoughts. I groaned and slowly made my way to the front door. No one ever came to visit, so I knew that could only mean one thing. I wouldn’t be excited to see who was standing at my door.

  I was right. I was definitely not excited to see who had stopped by. With her curly, shoulder length blond hair and flawlessly painted on face, Laurie stood in front of me with her perfectly manicured hand on her hip. Her bright blue eyes lit up when she saw me in front of her.

  “He’s not here,” I informed her. I didn’t need her to bring this shit to my front door again. I was not in the mood to deal with her or her pettiness.

  I pushed my body outside the door and closed it behind me, hoping she got the hint that she wasn’t allowed inside. I didn’t care if she was fucking my husband, that didn’t give her the right to welcome herself inside my home.

  Once I was fully standing on the front porch, inches from her perfect face, a face I’m sure Tony never mangled, I noticed the red car in the driveway. My anger began to spill over at that.