Hindsight

by Leddy Harper

  “I see you already know that he’s not here, so what brings you here,” I said, motioning toward Tony’s prized sports car. The fucker never even let me sit in it, but he let her drive it? I was convinced that he only kept me around for his own morbid entertainment. “What do you want?” I was standing, facing her and the street. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement and glanced to where it had come from. There was a man standing on the sidewalk, smiling at me. The same man, I felt my skin grow cold.

  Laurie smiled deviously at me, giving me a look that I wanted nothing more than to slap off her face. “He sent me here to pick something up for him. He left this morning without a case file, and I’m here to get it for him.”

  She reached behind me and opened the door, forcefully pushing her body into mine until I moved enough out of the way for her to walk inside. I rolled my eyes and tried my best to control my anger as I reluctantly followed her inside.

  Tony’s office was next to the front door and I watched her waltz on in to the room I was never allowed to be in. That made me angrier. I was his wife, yet he gave permission for his mistress to go through his files. His private files as he liked to remind me. I stood and watched by the door as she unlocked a drawer with a key and pulled out a few folders. She never even had to look twice. Her familiarity made my anger reach an all-time high. She confidently tucked the files under her arm and locked it back up, keeping her eyes on me the entire time.

  Our silent standoff ended when the doorbell rang. Laurie looked to the window that led to the front of the house and then snapped in the air. I turned to see what she was snapping at and saw her finger draw up to her pursed lips, motioning me to stay quiet.

  “Fuck you. This is my house. If I want to answer the door then I will,” I said, not keeping my voice low just to spite her.

  “No, Charlotte. Do not answer that door.”

  I wanted to smack her! How dare she tell me how to behave in my own home? I rolled my eyes at her instead and walked to the front door, part of me wondered if it would be the guy from across the street that I’d seen earlier. But I opened it to find a man in grey overalls standing in front of me with a clipboard in his hand. I wasn’t sure who he was, but I heard Laurie whisper a loud, “shit” from behind me.

  “Is this the Paulette residence?” he asked.

  “Yes it is.”

  “And is that car registered to Anthony Paulette?” he asked again.

  Oh, I knew what was going on. Seems as though little Miss Laurie didn’t have permission to drive the car. That brought an immense amount of joy into my life. I smirked at the thought of her getting in trouble with Tony. I couldn’t believe she had taken the car without his permission. She would learn how Tony was, but I was surprised she hadn’t already.

  “You’ve been served,” he said and handed me a leaflet of papers. “I’m repossessing this car for nonpayment. Once you miss three payments on the car, the ownership reverts back to the lien holder.” He turned on his heal and started to hook the car up to the tow truck I hadn’t noticed before.

  “Wait! You can’t take that car. It’s my husband’s!” I turned frantic. If he took that car, Tony would be livid and it would all be my fault. They were literally signing my death certificate.

  The man ignored me completely and just continued with hooking up the car.

  I turned around to look at Laurie, who had followed me out to the front of the house. “What should we do?” I asked in a panic. I was clearly desperate if I was asking Laurie for help. She was the enemy, but not at that moment. At that moment, she held the power to help me.

  Laurie ignored me and started pushing buttons on her phone. She held her phone up to her ear and waited. “Tony, we have a problem. Your wife just allowed your car to be repossessed.” She looked at me pointedly and I had no doubt Tony was giving her an earful about how disappointed he was. Her face fell and I momentarily wondered if he was showing anger toward her, but I knew better. Laurie Beacon couldn’t do anything wrong in the eyes of Tony. She was flawless and possessed everything I lacked.

  Instead of him being angry with her, like I had originally thought, the table had been turned. He was going to be super pissed with me when he came home, especially with the way Laurie was spinning the tale. I stood there in silence as she continued to explain in minute detail what had happened and how I had allowed it. I was scared, but her next words scared me even more.

  “Just take my car and come and get me. Yes, I’ll wait here with her.” She shut the phone off and slid it back inside her purse with a small, worried smile. “Tony’s coming.” Was she worried for me? Did she know what he would do to me? “And he doesn’t sound too happy.”

  “Of course he’s not happy. His car was just taken from his driveway! And you practically told him it was my fault!” I shrieked. My heart was in my throat and I felt like I was going to choke on it. Fear consumed every part of me. He would kill me for sure now. ”Do you have any idea what you’ve just done?”

  Her facial expression shifted to one of sympathy. Yes, she knew exactly what she had done. “It is your fault. I told you to keep your mouth shut and not to answer the door, but you couldn’t. You insisted on answering the door anyway. All you had to do was listen to me,” she said as if she cared what would happen to me. I knew she had been enjoying my distress when she arrived at the house, but it was very evident, now that Tony was on his way home, that she was apprehensive about my fate.

  “Do you want me dead? Is that it? Admit it; life would be easier if I weren’t around. You would be able to move right on in and not have to worry about me, the wife. Is that why you’re doing this? Because you want me gone permanently?”

  I saw her throat work as she swallowed. Her eyes were cast down for a long moment before looking back up and meeting mine. I could have sworn I saw something that mimicked fear in those blue eyes of hers. Was it fear? Or was it more sympathy? Yes, she knew the kinds of things Tony had done to me. Did she feel bad for me?

  “You’re better off dead,” she said in a soft tone. Was she warning me?

  I had no words. Nothing was coming to me. We could only stare at each other as her words sank in. She wasn’t being malicious. She was being honest. And she was right. There was no way I would ever be able to free myself from Tony unless I was dead. It was just so surreal hearing it come from his mistress, and hearing her say it as if she sympathized with me. Did she know something I didn’t?

  She moved passed me and headed back into my home as if she owned the place. I had no other option but to follow. I had nowhere to go. I wanted to run away, go anywhere but here where Tony could easily find me. But he would find me no matter where I went so I shouldn’t even bother.

  We sat in the living room and waited for Tony to come home. I swear I felt every second that ticked by on the grandfather clock to my right. With every second, my anxiety rose. My mind was already playing out what would happen. That car had been his precious baby, his token of his achieved success, his pride and joy. And now it was gone. He would see it as my fault. Even though I didn’t pay the bills, I wasn’t the one that drove it to the house, I wasn’t the one that left it in the driveway… it would still be my fault. In Tony’s eyes, everything was my fault.

  When Tony finally pulled into the driveway, I thought I would jump out of my skin.

  Thirty seconds later, he was opening the door and walking toward the living room. I stopped breathing when he entered and my heart stilled, cold in my chest. My eyes were wide with fear as I watched Laurie walk up to him and meet him. Neither one of them gave me the time of day.

  “Are you all right, honey?” he asked tenderly and then kissed her on her forehead. Why was he so concerned for her? It wasn’t her car, or her house. She wasn’t the one facing a brutal punishment. I was. So why was he so worried if she was all right? It only angered me even more.

  She immediately slipped into the role of the submissive girlfriend as she nodded demurely, but kept her confidence at the fo
refront. It was sickening to witness the dynamic of their relationship.

  He kissed her passionately and I felt my heart start to thud back to life. I knew he fucked around on me. I had known this for a long time, but to have it thrust into my face like that was beyond hurtful. It made me sick. Knowing about it versus seeing it with my own eyes were two different things entirely.

  It wasn’t jealousy. Not at all. If I were jealous of Laurie, it was because of how lovingly he treated her. He didn’t rough her up and slap her around. He didn’t yell at her or call her despicable names. No. He was gentle with her. That was the only thing I was jealous of.

  I sat there completely stunned by their display, yet unable to take my eyes off their passionate embrace. I felt like I was on the outside of my life looking in. This was just too unreal for me to process.

  When they finally stopped kissing, he held her chin in his hand lovingly, and that’s when I knew. He didn’t love me and never had. He had never once looked at me like that during our entire relationship. The truth hit me in the gut, hard. I thought back to all of the looks he had given me in the beginning, when things were good, before the abuse started. The way he would look at me mimicked love, but looking at his face now, his dark eyes and the way they brightened as they took in Laurie’s face, what he had for me was never love. Maybe it was something akin to it, but it was never the real thing. I was sure I had looked at Sean that way. I knew the way I looked at him was brighter than the way I had ever looked at Tony. It made me wonder if Tony had ever noticed it or not. Was that the reason why he just wouldn’t let me go? Was it yet another one of his tormenting games he loved to play?

  Tony walked toward me and I cowered into the sofa, wishing feverishly that it had the ability to swallow me up and hide me. He put his hand up and I flinched, waiting for the blow.

  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Char? Why did you answer the door?”

  “I – I – I didn’t realize…” I had nothing else. I had no idea what to say to him; my brain was refusing to work. I think it had died of fright and wished I had as well. I had nothing to offer and just wanted to be transported out of this bad situation, which I had a feeling would become much worse.

  “You are such a stupid cunt, Char! I cannot believe how dumb you actually are.” He pushed his hand through his hair with such force that I knew he was angry and it was only a matter of time before he began to take his anger out on me. Things started to get bad after he decided to take on this high profile case… and then got worse after Christmas. I could only image where it would go from here.

  “Come with me,” he said sternly while grabbing me by my upper arm. He grabbed me aggressively and I instantly knew it would bruise. “I’m beyond pissed right now and I need to be calmed down. I don’t trust you down here by yourself.”

  I cried out as he dragged me behind him.

  “You too, Laurie. I need you,” he called out over his shoulder. Again, I was stunned by the different tone he used when he spoke to her. It was as if any word he uttered in her direction was dipped in honey. I couldn’t believe the difference. He had never spoken to me that way. Every word he spoke to me was dipped in acid.

  I started to shake as he reached the top of the stairs and turned toward our master bedroom. That was when I noticed Laurie obediently following. Was he going to beat me in front of her? That made everything so much worse. I didn’t want anyone to witness how he treated me. That was private, and having someone watch the horrific things he would do to me brought everything to an appalling level.

  He sat me on one of the two armchairs we had in our bedroom. “Do not even think of moving. If you do, you won’t live to regret it. I will get my belt out and beat you within an inch of your life. Understand?” He said the threatening words with such severity that I just pitifully nodded in response. I couldn’t even answer with words. I knew what he meant, and knew how serious his callous words were. It wasn’t a threat when he said those things; it was a promise. He had used the belt a handful of times before and I didn’t want that to happen again, especially in front of Laurie. I wouldn’t have been able to bear it—the beating or the witness to it.

  “Come here, you,” he demanded, but his voice held an almost playful tone as he said the words, which immediately identified who he was speaking to. It definitely wasn’t me. “I need you to calm me down, babe. I need you to make this better. Take away my anger.”

  Laurie went to him, and once again, he began to kiss her sensually right in front of me. I felt heat rise to my face at the thought of witnessing them together this way. I didn’t want to see this. I had never felt the desire to watch anyone have sex in my presence, let alone my own husband with his mistress. I knew I was having an affair as well, but I never flaunted it. He was keeping me prisoner in this relationship and flaunting his affair in front of my face. I was astonished by the situation Tony had placed me in.

  Tony abruptly stopped kissing her and glanced my way. “Oh, no. You’d better keep your eyes fully open if you know what’s good for you. I want to show you what it looks like to fuck a real woman. One who doesn’t freeze up and act like a cold fish. One who doesn’t flinch every time I come near her. You could probably take a few notes from Laurie. She knows how to make it good.”

  With that, he began to kiss her again. Both of them were making sensual noises as he started to unbutton her blouse and she froze.

  “Tony,” she gasped, halting his passionate kisses. “I can’t do this in front of her. Why don’t we just leave her here and we can go back to the office to continue this. Or we can stop by my house or get a room at our hotel. I don’t want her to see what we have. This, what we share together, is special.”

  “Come on, baby. Do it for me. You’ve always said this is one of your top five fantasies. To fuck in front of someone that’s forced to watch,” he encouraged. “Do it for me. I need you to calm me down. You’re the only one that can do that.” He kissed her again and she sighed as he took her into his arms lovingly.

  “Why are you doing this?” she asked calmly and it shocked me. Had I asked him a question like that, he would have backhanded me. But when she did it, he just smiled at her and touched her cheek gently with the backs of his fingers.

  “Because I love you, Laurie. And she needs to see that. She needs to see what real love is. And because I’m about to face another meeting with the judge and I need to be in the right frame of mind when I do that. You’re the only one that can do that to me. I can’t go in there all hyped up and pissed off because of her.” He kissed her lips softly, as softly as he was speaking to her. “I need you, babe. I love you,” he practically crooned.

  “I love you, too, Tony.” Her admission was felt clear to my bones. It was evident that their love was very real. She really did love the bastard, and he really loved her in return. I couldn’t even remember the last time he had said those three special words to me, not that he ever meant them when he had said them. But when he said them to her he said them with such passion, it was undeniable the way he felt.

  My eyes filled with tears. Was he really going to fuck her in front of me? Part of me couldn’t fathom what was happening. I couldn’t think of a worse punishment than this. My heart literally broke in two as he deepened the kiss and she began to moan as he reached into her shirt. I wanted to look away so desperately, but I couldn’t. It was kind of like when you passed a car wreck on the side of the road. You shouldn’t gawk or stare, but your natural curiosity gets the best of you and you stare away until you pass it. The things he was doing to her, he had never done to me, the looks of love, tender touches, and sensual sounds. It made me stare in wonder. Who was this man with Laurie? It wasn’t the Tony I knew or ever experienced. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. He did kind of look at me like that when we first met.

  I remembered that day we met. At the grocery store. I had recognized him from a newspaper article I had read in our local paper. He was a well-known defense attorney and had just succeed
ed in getting a guy off from the death penalty. Not only had he succeeded in in getting his death sentence revoked, but he also ended up getting him off scot-free. It had been the talk of the town. He was a hero in our area, and I couldn’t believe he was talking to me. I was a nobody, a lost girl with no family. I had a few friends, but mostly kept to myself. I didn’t care too much about the way I looked or having anyone pay me any attention. But when he approached me and asked me out, I had suddenly felt the need for his attention. I felt special that someone like him was even talking to me, let alone interested in me on another level. I found that I craved his affection, and desired his love. For the first time in my life I felt as if I was somebody that mattered.

  He was so handsome and his confidence practically bounced off the aisle of items as he spoke. I instantly fell in love with the stability he could bring to my life. I never thought that his confidence would turn in to a life consisting of punishments by his hand. That wasn’t the kind of man he seemed to have been. He exuded passion, but I never imagined that his passion could’ve been so dark and daunting.

  I thought back to the first time we had sex as I tried to block out the sounds of sex in front of me and reminisced of my past. I was a virgin and he had been so gentle. He was definitely turned on by the fact that he was the first one to enter my body. But he had loved the fact that he could teach me to do things the exact way he liked them done. He had made the comment about not having to undo any bad habits. I had taken it as a compliment back then, but I knew now what that really meant. It made me wonder if Laurie had any bad habits that he had to undo, or if she too was trained to fuck the way he liked.

  He had been so persuasive about everything. Looking back on it now, I see it for exactly what it was. He had completely taken advantage of my innocence. At the time, however, I felt like a princess, as if I were the most important person on earth. That’s how he made me feel at least. Even after things started to go bad, when they were good, he still managed to make me feel special. I was special because no one had ever gotten to him that way. I was special because I held the ability to change his moods, like a light switch, as if I alone held the control over him. He made me believe that I had the upper hand in the relationship. I learned too late that it was just another ploy of his. Another way to hold me prisoner in his grasp.