Hindsight

by Leddy Harper

  “You can get one when you leave,” he reasoned.

  I shook my head, not letting this go. I wanted a cat. My cat. Fluffy needed to come home with me. She would be giving birth soon and then it was so hard to find homes for the adult cats.

  “I can’t bend on this. It’s not going to happen. You’ve succeeded in obtaining everything else you were seeking. Don’t push it.”

  I finally gave him a short nod in agreement. I didn’t know why he wouldn’t let me get an animal. He had forbidden it ever since we were married. The only thing he would let me get was a fish. “I’ll agree if you tell me why you hate animals so much.”

  He looked at me stunned and just stared at me for a minute. I could tell he couldn’t believe I was pressing the issue. I usually acquiesced and gave into him easily; this was something I wasn’t letting go. It was more than just acquiring an animal. I wanted to know why. What had fucked up Tony Paulette so badly that he couldn’t even bear to look at anything with fur?

  “Fine,” he said slowly as he put his hands up in mock surrender. Then he gave a half smile. “You’re going to be sorry you asked. I’m warning you now.”

  I felt the hairs on my arms raise up, kind of like when you feel a cool breeze, but instead, it had been his words that had caused that reaction.

  We both traipsed into the house and then stood in the foyer. It was as if neither of us knew what to do or how to act. It was bizarre in a way. We had been married for years, but it felt like things had taken a turn. A turn for what, I had no fucking clue.

  “Do you want me to order sushi?” he asked while raising his eyebrow sexily. It made my breath hitch and reminded me of happier times. He used to be able to get me to do anything with the arch of his eyebrow.

  “I hate sushi,” I stated without thinking and then freaked. I had never admitted that to him before.

  “You hate sushi?” he asked and I could tell he couldn’t believe it. “Since when?”

  “I just pretended to like it when you took me for sushi because I knew it was an acquired taste. But it’s definitely not one I’ve acquired, no matter how many times I tried.”

  “Wow.” He looked like he was lost.

  “Pizza?” I asked him sheepishly.

  “Okay,” he said and his face broke into a grin. “Like when we first met?”

  “Except things are different.”

  “I guess they are,” he said softly and looked lost again.

  “I’ll go order it then.” I took off to get my phone and to escape his presence for a few minutes in order to compose myself. He had induced butterflies in my belly. Butterflies I hadn’t felt for years and I had no idea how that had happened.

  After I ordered the pizza, I made my way back to the dining room and started to get out plates and things to set the table. I heard music coming from the living room and set the plates on the counter before going to investigate.

  Tony had set up his phone in our MP3 stereo and was playing a romantic song. One that we had played on our very first date in the park. He was lighting candles so his back was to me and I was thankful that I had a few moments to wipe the look off my face before he turned around again.

  “What are you doing?” I asked him in shock.

  “I thought we could eat our dinner here tonight.” He blew out the match in his hand.

  “Here?” I asked him and thought I hadn’t heard him correctly. He never allowed us to eat in the living room. He always demanded that we eat in the dining room like a proper couple.

  “Yes. At the coffee table,” he said and gestured to the big throw pillows he had already positioned for us to sit on. It was a very sweet gesture and not like Tony one bit. He was up to something and I felt my walls go up and reinforce themselves in place. He was going to hurt me.

  “I’ll grab the plates,” I responded quietly in order to excuse myself. I walked back and picked up the plates, then took several deep breaths. I was so fucked, he was getting to me; my heart was already fluttering in anticipation of what the evening held.

  By the time I walked back into the living room, he had gotten an expensive wine bottle from our expansive collection and was expertly popping the cork.

  “Wine and pizza?” I joked, more for my benefit than his. I was feeling on edge and hoped the wine would relax me.

  The doorbell rang and startled me; my nerves were already on edge. I went to answer it, needing the moment to gather my wits.

  When I came back with our pizza, Tony had the lights dimmed and the wine poured. He was laying it on thick. He was either really trying with me or he was trying to pull one over on me. I wasn’t sure which, but I was determined to find out.

  We sat down together and didn’t speak for a few minutes. I took copious sips of wine between bites of cheesy goodness.

  “I guess I owe you a story. But it’s probably best to wait until we finish eating. It will definitely make you lose your appetite.” His voice was dark and sad sounding. I had no idea what kind of story he had planned to tell me, but whatever it was, I knew it wouldn’t be good.

  I set my pizza down and looked at him longingly. Something had to give. I didn’t care what at that point, but I knew something had to. I couldn’t handle this much longer… the worried looks, the sudden shift in his mood, or the far off look in his eyes. “How did we get here?” I asked. It sounded like a wisp of air off my lips.

  “It’s this fucking trial, Char. That’s how we got here.”

  That wasn’t the truth and I knew it. The abuse didn’t start then. It became worse, but it had always been there. He couldn’t blame the trial and we both knew it, but he was sticking to that story.

  “I just wish CJ had never brought me into it.”

  I gulped and tried to correct my overly confused expression. “Who’s CJ?” I blurted out before I lost my nerve.

  He sucked in his breath and I could tell I had hit a nerve. He took a couple more bites of pizza and I didn’t think he was going to answer me. The air chilled around us before he finally began to talk.

  “CJ is someone I met about a year ago. I now wished I never had met him, but we can’t go back in time and change things now, can we?”

  I shook my head. We definitely couldn’t. No matter what, Tony and I were done. I knew that in my heart of hearts, even though my stomach had butterflies that were trying to persuade me differently.

  “He called me up one day and asked me to defend a business client of his. He had heard of me from a friend of a friend. He seemed smart, he definitely had an edge to him, but I trusted him. I shouldn’t have. I found out too late that if I were smart, I would never want to be tied to a man like him.”

  He had succeeded in confusing me further. I had no idea what he was talking about but didn’t dare to interrupt him. I could only sit there and wait for the pieces of the puzzle to fit neatly together, even though I never thought they would.

  “The client I defended was found guilty. It wasn’t the first time that one of my clients hadn’t gotten off, but it was the first time I felt relieved that he hadn’t. I can’t really explain it other than he was a very disturbed human being. Very dark and demented.”

  Yeah, like you, I thought to myself. I guess it would take one to know one.

  “He blamed me and started threatening me, saying I owed him two million dollars in lost revenue. Apparently, this kid I had defended worked for him, and without him, he was short money. I didn’t ask too many questions, I knew better than to do that.”

  I put my hand up, silently stopping him. “Two million?” I nearly stuttered on the words.

  “Yes, two million. I did well for myself but didn’t have anything near two million dollars. In order to raise that amount I would have to liquidate everything. So he made another deal with me, to take on a client pro bono.”

  “Nepson?” I asked, starting to see the connection.

  He nodded. “The Nepson case. The only thing that case has succeeded in doing is sucking me dry. I’ve lost nearly ever
ything…” He looked up with glassy eyes.

  “So we’re broke?” I asked him, not clearly understanding what he was saying.

  He seemed to jump back to attention. “We aren’t broke. I’ve lost everything, all my other clients, my partners, everything.” He looked at me with pleading eyes as if begging me to understand. “We still have money, but not what we need to continue living this kind of lifestyle. That’s why I went gambling. I needed to find some extra money.”

  “So you took what little money we had left and lost it all at the tables?” I was growing more and more pissed by the second.

  “No. I didn’t touch our money.”

  I looked at him in confusion.

  “I borrowed money from CJ.”

  “Oh, that’s just fucking great, Tony!” I yelled. “Just real fucking great. So you already owe him money and it’s bleeding you dry while you pay him off for the first time things went bad, and now you’ve decided to borrow money from him? And then you lost it all? What now? What does he want from you now?” I was frantic, all high-pitched voices and flailing arms.

  Tony placed a hand on my arm to calm me. It didn’t really calm me, but it did settle me down some. “Charlotte, it’s not like that. All I have to do is get Nepson acquitted.”

  I huffed out a breath. “Oh, that’s all?” I asked with sarcasm.

  “I can do it. I’m already ahead in the case. I can do it.”

  “And what happens if you can’t?” I didn’t really want to know the answer, but I needed it. I had to know what would happen if the jury came back with a guilty verdict. Not only did those twelve individuals hold Nepson’s life in their hands, but ours as well.

  “Then he will come after me.” His voice was grave and scared.

  My eyes widened in fear. “And me?” Please not me.

  He shook his head. “That’s why I have to be here.”

  “I’m not following, Tony.”

  He took a breath and then continued. “In order to keep you safe, I am not allowed to leave you or to let you leave me until the trial is over. That’s what he said. He said it was insurance.”

  “Oh my God, Tony,” I whispered. “What have you gotten in to?”

  “It’s just until the trial is over. Once he’s cleared, you’ll be safe.”

  “And what if he’s not cleared?” I really didn’t want to hear that answer.

  “He will be.”

  I got up and cleared the pizza plates, unsure how to respond to what he had confided in me. He never confided in me with anything remotely close to what he had. I was trying to decide how I felt about that.

  I came back to the living room and he had opened another bottle of wine and was sitting on the couch. I sat down in the armchair, not wanting to sit too close to him. I still had thoughts bouncing around in my head. I had to sort through them, but didn’t know where to start. I knew one thing for sure, though, I couldn’t tell Sean any of this. If he knew, he would demand that I leave, and I clearly couldn’t do that.

  “I lost my dog when I was a boy,” he said softly and I looked at him in surprise. “My father was never there. I don’t know what happened to him or who he even was. When I was seven, my mother married someone. She mistakenly confided in him that she married him mainly so she’d have an income to take care of our needs. That was a mistake. Not only did he treat me like shit from that day forward, but he did whatever he could to make my life a living hell.”

  I stared at him and didn’t dare move. I wanted him to continue with his story and knew he would use anything I did as an excuse not to continue.

  “Banjo was a black and white mutt but she was everything to me,” he said and it was hard not to miss the hoarseness that had developed in his voice. “Banjo had a few litters of puppies because my mom couldn’t afford to get her spayed. She had just had another litter and I kept them in the garage so that they would stay warm during the particularly harsh winter.

  “I was in my room doing my homework when he came in with a burlap bag held high in the air. I barely paid attention to him until I saw the bag moving and then heard the mewing of the new puppies. I looked around and didn’t see banjo. I wondered where she was because she would never let her puppies out of her sight. He grabbed me by the ear… It’s so painful to be pulled by your ear and he was so strong. He yanked me up and led me outside to our backyard. He led me half a mile with the wriggling puppies all the way to the creek. The creek was littered with icicles due to the cold. He took the bag and swung it in circles, one, two and then three times. Until he let go and the bag went flying through the air. I will never forget the sound the bag made when it hit the water. The puppies screamed in agony and I fell to my knees and sobbed like a pussy.

  “He kicked me over and over again for being a pussy, until I had nothing left. He walked away and left me there. I immediately dove into the creek and found the bag. I was shivering from the cold and could barely work my hands to unknot the bag. My fingers were numb and shaky. I finally unknotted the bag and found a pile of dead puppies.” He stopped for a minute and downed his entire glass of wine.

  “When I got home my mother was there and immediately got me into a hot bath. I was lucky that I didn’t get frostbite. She had to help undress me and gasped when she saw the bruises that had already appeared across my ribcage. But she said nothing to me. She bathed me and cried but didn’t say a fucking word.

  “After she finished bathing me, she led me to the dinner table and served me some stew. Then she left to run to the store for something. He came in and was chuckling as he sat at the table with his own bowl of stew. What’s this? he asked me and plucked up something from his bowl. It was fur. Black and white fur. I ran to the bathroom and threw up everything I had in my stomach.

  “And that, my dear, is why I will not ever own another fucking pet with any type of fur.”

  December 2, 2014

  Tony had been gone four days and I was in heaven. I was on my way to the animal shelter and then had a date to look forward to with Sean later. I felt as if I were high on life and wondered if it were possible to be happy every day like this. If it was, then sign me up! I was ready to live my life to the fullest. I felt reborn.

  “Good morning!” I greeted the staff that was congregated in the office. They were busily putting up Christmas decorations to decorate the shelter. I loved this time of year and made a mental note to get my butt in gear at home. I needed to dig my decorations out. I thought how nice it would be to decorate the tree the way I wanted to decorate it, an action that was foreign to me.

  “They brought in a few dogs last night that need to be bathed,” Sue announced as she hung a strand of holly across the counter.

  “I guess I know what I’ll be doing then,” I answered her with a smile.

  “Norma is already back there. She arrived about fifteen minutes ago.”

  My smile grew at the mention of Norma’s name. That batty old lady was growing on me and it had now gotten to the point where I actually cared about her quite a bit.

  “Hi, Norma!” I greeted her with a smile as I noticed she was already up to her elbows in water and dog hair.

  “Who’s this?” I stroked the small dog behind the ears as she lathered it with soap.

  “Someone who got a small dog because it was cute and quickly lost interest in it because they didn’t potty train it. There are six more of them in the kennel for processing. Sick rich bitches who only have time on their hands.”

  I looked at Norma sadly. I hated it when animals were discarded like garbage. It was so heartbreaking. She seemed to share that same opinion. I was realizing more about what we had in common every time I was around her and it made me comfortable in her presence.

  We worked our asses off and bathed all seven dogs total and clipped all the matts from their fur. They looked like completely different dogs and I was proud of all we had accomplished in spite of myself.

  “I think we deserve a treat! How about if I take us to lunch?” I aske
d spontaneously.

  She looked at me wryly as if I had an ulterior motive, but I understood her mannerisms. I had enough fucked up behaviors for the both of us. I was always jumping at loud noises or wincing when someone walked up too close to me.

  We both walked over to a taco joint down the street. It looked good and the small eating area inside was halfway full, which was hopefully indicative of the quality of food we’d consume.

  We both hemmed and hawed about the menu before placing our orders. I handed the man my American Express card and he fiddled around with the machine and then stated, “Your card was declined.” He looked at me without empathy and it was apparent that he just wanted to be done with the transaction.

  “That’s impossible. Can you please run it again?” I continued to chat with Norma until the guy interrupted once again.

  “It was declined again,” he stated and gave me an annoyed look.

  “Try this one.” I took the American Express card back and handed him my Visa. “Maybe the electronic strip was damaged?” I shrugged.

  “Declined,” he said simply and handed me the card back.

  I looked up in shock and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t usually carry any cash since Tony liked to track my purchases so that he could see what I had been up to. The only thing I could think of was Tony had canceled my cards since he left. I didn’t know how I would be able to do normal things without the use of my credit cards. It was one more way for Tony to control me. For him to show me how much I needed him.

  “I’ll pay, dear,” Norma said quietly and put her hand on my arm, holding my wallet full of what were now useless plastic.

  “I don’t understand,” I said softly and cast my eyes downward. My cards had never ever been declined. What the hell was going on?

  “It’s okay, honey. I don’t mind treating.”

  “But I promised!” I felt terrible about promising and now not being able to follow through. It made me feel worthless, and I hated to feel that way. It was how Tony always made me feel, and he was continuing that tradition even when he wasn’t around.