Hindsight

by Leddy Harper

  Before long, his mouth was covering mine, taking over the moment and blinding me with the perfect mixture of lust and love. I needed him and could feel his need for me. We never had too many moments like these, where I had the extra time to spend with him. Most of our meetings were in a car or over the phone. Sometimes they were in public places, an accidental meet-up of sorts, but I rarely had the time to actually spend at his house for an extended period of time. I didn’t want to lose out on the opportunity to make love to him.

  “Time for that dessert you promised me,” he said with a grin.

  Even though I had my face pressed into the crook of his neck, I could hear the grin in his voice. It made me smile. “I never promised you any dessert,” I retorted.

  “Oh, yes you did. When you first arrived and I’m going to collect.” He pulled back and looked at my face. “I’ll give you a head start. How’s five seconds?”

  “Sean, I’m too tired to play your games.”

  “That’s too bad. I wanted to play quite a bit.” He sulked and then started to smile. “One, Two—”

  I squealed and took off running, hearing him behind me. I laughed as he nearly grabbed me.

  When I reached his bedroom, he grabbed me in a bear hug and threw us both on his bed. Both of us in fits of laughter.

  ***

  “I love you, Char,” he whispered to my lips two hours later as I was leaving his house. He held me in his arms against my car door, saying goodbye for the night.

  “I love you more, Sean,” I said back with my arms around his neck, pulling him impossibly closer to me. I never wanted to let him go. I never wanted to take my arms or my lips away from him. But I knew that if I were being watched, as I felt in my bones that I was, I needed to get back home at a reasonable time. Sleepovers were too risky.

  “Call me when you get home. I want to talk to you in bed.” He winked at me.

  I knew what that meant. He was going to get me all hot and bothered as part of my punishment for not staying the night with him.

  I smiled as I got in the car and headed home, enjoying the feeling of his body still on mine. I hadn’t taken a shower before leaving his house. I had told him it was because I didn’t want anyone seeing me get out of my car with wet hair, in the event someone was watching, but that wasn’t the truth. The truth was that I needed to feel him on me a little bit longer. I needed to feel the dried sweat on my skin, the places that still burned from his lips, and the tingling that still hummed through me from his touch. I wanted to sleep with him still on me even if I wasn’t able to spend the night with him. It was the next best thing.

  His loving words echoed in my head as I drove mindlessly home. He never needed to tell me that he loved me, I could hear it in any word he spoke and felt it in every move he made, but he still told me anyway. His love was evident in every way he treated me, yet when he told me those three magic words, they sent my heart soaring. I loved to hear those words, but he also said it in other words. He said it when he told me he wanted to be with me forever, when he explained in detail what he would do to me the day I officially became his. I couldn’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him. It felt right in every fiber of my being. He told me he loved me in his actions by paying explicit attention to the things he did to me.

  I had never, in my life, felt the way that Sean made me feel. The butterflies roared in my belly whenever he was near. They wouldn’t let up! It was if they were telling me I was stupid for leaving him and going back to Tony.

  Those three little words meant so much to me, but not as much as all the other things that encompassed our relationship.

  Our relationship may not be able to last for an eternity, at this moment, which was what I wanted, but I was still able to carry those things with me for a long while. I could feel him, hear him, and see him even when he wasn’t right there.

  I concentrated on that because that’s all that mattered.

  November 24th, 2014

  I sprang into action as soon as I heard the front door slam shut, which signaled Tony’s morning departure. I had a bag full of clothes slung over my shoulder as I did one more search to ensure I didn’t miss anything important. I had plans to dig up the money I had hidden underneath the rosebushes once I was outside. I felt elated by the decision I had finally made. Well, of course, Sean had been instrumental in the decision-making process, but it had all come down to me. I had been the one to finally push the ‘go’ button on the project.

  It made me feel somewhat grown up, in a way. I had finally come to the conclusion that I had enough. Once I had reached that decision, I had been unwavering during the process. It had been about a week since my conversation with Sean that had led up to me finally making the decision to leave. It was amazing how good I felt, as if the weight of the world had literally been lifted from my shoulders. This last week following my decision, had flown by as I worked hard to put things into place. The anticipation of my future was both scary and exhilarating at the same time. I could not wait to see how the rest of my life turned out. Especially since I would be with Sean.

  I started down the stairs and felt like singing. As my foot hit the bottom step, I looked up and my eyes met the menacing black eyes of Tony.

  He had tricked me. I screamed as he lunged for me and I ran toward the kitchen to escape through the back door. I ran swiftly through the hall and could hear him so close behind me that I whimpered in fear. I finally reached the back door and reached for the handle as he caught up to me. I elbowed him without even thinking. The only thought in my head was the need to escape. He would kill me for sure this time.

  He growled as he grabbed me by my upper arms, easily overtaking me as I fumbled with the fucking doorknob. It was too slippery, my shaky hands working against me. I had been seconds away from escaping and suddenly, my plan was destroyed.

  Tony Paulette would kill me.

  The fear that clasped my heart made it hard to breathe as he turned me around to face him. I looked up into his face and immediately wished I hadn’t. He looked like a demon. His face was red and sweaty, but his eyes were what I would always remember. I saw pure evilness there, no longer hiding out in the dark depths of his eyes. It was front and center, staring back at me as if I were looking into Satan’s eyes.

  I started to shake, my future now completely decided. It was evident on my husband’s face what he would do to me. My only regret was Sean. Sean was supposed to pick me up in ten minutes and he would end up finding me dead. That would completely devastate him. Even in the moments before my death, I thought of Sean and how this act would affect him for the rest of his life. I loved him that much.

  “No, Tony. Please!” I sobbed desperately, knowing what would happen before the first strike landed upon my cheek. “Tony!” I screamed, hoping to snap him out of the tunnel he seemed to have fallen in, the tunnel wherein the only path led to my demise.

  I prayed like I never have before. I prayed, not for my safety, but for Sean. I prayed he would have peace and be assured in the fact that I loved him, for the happiest days of my life had been spent with him.

  Tony socked me in my right eye with his fist. I cried out and tried to put my hands up to shield my face. He picked me up and carried me back to the living room, heading for the stairs.

  “No, no, no!” I cried, but my voice could hardly be heard above his grunting. I was shattered by the change of circumstances. I felt myself giving up. I didn’t want to fight anymore.

  I suddenly heard someone shout and felt Tony’s strong arms pulled from my frame as I collapsed to the ground beneath me. I found my footing and looked up to see Sean and Tony struggling.

  “Sean, don’t!” I yelled, my voice coming back to me. My desperation to keep Sean safe was enough to fuel my desire to live, once again.

  “You’re going to stick up for this motherfucker!” Sean shouted at me over Tony’s head.

  I shook my head and tears streamed down my face. That wasn’t what I had meant. I only meant tha
t I didn’t want him to fight Tony because Tony’s strength was immeasurable when he was angry. It was if he turned into the Hulk and I couldn’t bear for anything to happen to Sean while he was trying to protect me.

  Tony and Sean exchanged angry words and finally stopped fighting but their shouting continued. They moved their conversation outside to the front porch and I sat down on the bottom step of the stairs inside and wept. I could barely see out of my eye now, the one that had felt like my eye had popped out when Tony had struck me.

  Tony came back inside and shut the door behind him. I instantly felt panicky.

  “Where’s Sean?” I asked him. My voice was barely an audible whisper as I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. As he walked closer to me, I developed goose bumps on my arms and legs until I looked up and saw his face, mainly studying his eyes. He was back to Tony and the evilness had dissipated.

  “Please forgive me, Char. I can’t believe I did that, but when I saw the bag you were carrying, I knew you were leaving me. I could never handle you leaving me. Do you understand how crazy that makes me?”

  I looked at him, stunned, unable to speak. Of course, I knew how crazy it made him if I suggested I was leaving. That’s why I had hidden it from him. That’s why I had waited until I had thought he was gone before I tried to make my departure. But once again, Tony prevailed and proved that he would always be one-step ahead of me.

  “I’ve seen you, the way you’ve been prancing around all week long. I knew you were up to something. This morning you kept looking at your phone, I presume to see the time. It was as if you were waiting for me to leave for work.”

  I looked up at him and thanked the lord above that he hadn’t noticed that I was looking at Sean’s sweet words of love that he had sent to me via text message. I had never entered Sean’s name into my phone, it was only a number, but we had our own code that we spoke in, in the event Tony ever looked through my messages. It would look like any other telemarketing text message.

  “I have to go to work but it’s evident that I won’t be able to leave you alone now. You’ll just flee. I guess I’ll have to work from home today,” he said with a sigh and shook his head at me as if he were disappointed.

  “I won’t leave you, Tony,” I mewed. “Please!” I didn’t want him to stay home with me all day long. He would only torture me all day and I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

  He looked to me with desperate eyes and I acted as quickly as I could. I needed to get a handle on the situation before it blew up in my face. I went to him, touching his cheek with my hand gently, and tried to comfort him with my good eye.

  “Tony. I wasn’t going to leave you. There’s a gym that I was thinking of joining, so I threw some clothes in a bag so that I would have something to change into after working out. They have showers and everything there. That’s all I was doing.”

  “Then why did you run?”

  It was a trick question. There wasn’t a good answer to that question and I knew it, but I couldn’t get out of it. I was stuck and had to answer him if I wanted it to all go away. I took in a deep breath, preparing myself for what would come next.

  “The look in your eyes. It scared me so I ran.”

  I had hardened myself, waiting for his strike to come, but it never did. Instead, his posture fell and his eyes closed. He took in a deep breath through his nose before opening his eyes and looking at me again. The darkness had completely vanished from them as he looked back at me. He reached out slowly, as if not to scare me, and stroked my tear-stained face. It was soft and gentle, yet it left me shaking on the inside.

  “I’m so sorry, Char. I just thought you were leaving and it did something to me. I don’t know what I would do if you ever left me. I go crazy just thinking about it.”

  “Then stop thinking about it,” I mumbled, my voice dry and cracked.

  Tony leaned down and kissed me. I felt nothing other than his cold lips on mine. It was enough proof that I had mentally checked out long ago. This prison I was in was torturing me and I couldn’t stand it much longer. I felt myself cracking and I knew that eventually it would kill me. I would get out one way or another, but I was sure either way would lead to my death.

  He slowly walked me backward with his palm on my lower back until the backs of my knees hit the couch. His body pressed into mine until I was laying on the cushions beneath me and he was hovering over me. I knew I couldn’t fight or come up with anything to say to convince him not to do it, so I was left with allowing it to happen. Whether I kicked and screamed or consented, Tony would be having my body.

  I let my mind wander to my safe place. It was filled with roses and Sean. It was the only thing that carried me through the things Tony would be doing to me, and the only thing that made me feel safe when I knew beyond a reasonable doubt that I wasn’t.

  I thought of Sean’s passionate kisses that left me wanting more, Sean’s words of love that I believed wholeheartedly and Sean’s undying support that he offered no matter how many times I showed up at his door beaten and bruised.

  Sean was my life. I was meant to be with Sean and I wanted to be with him more than anything.

  As I did every single day, I wracked my brain trying to come up with a way we could make things work between us. How could I leave Tony, be with Sean, and survive Tony’s wrath?

  As Tony caressed my body, I pretended that it was Sean’s touch I felt. It was the only way I could bear it. Do not freeze up! I admonished myself when he started to caress the intimate parts of my body.

  “Why was Sean here?” Tony asked in a deep, breathless voice.

  I was pulled from my zone and tried to concentrate on his face that was moving above me. I didn’t answer, fearing the cause for his concern.

  “Tell me, why was he here?” he asked again, stilling his movements as he waited for my answer.

  I felt my mind race a million miles a second as I tried to think of something to say while keeping my gaze blank. It was something that took endless confrontations before I was able to master it. I had always had an expressive face, so it was hard for me to accomplish the dead gaze, as I called it.

  “He’s your friend. Maybe he came to see you.” I gave him my dead gaze.

  He shook his head and looked perplexed. “I was supposed to be at work.”

  “Then I don’t know why he was here. I didn’t exactly get the chance to ask him.” I looked at him wryly. “You were the one who had the conversation with him, not me.”

  He began to move again and I tried to find my safe zone once more. It was hard to stay there with his accusation swirling around in my head. Was he on to me? Why would he even ask me? I had never even had lengthy conversations with Sean in front of Tony. Did he know what I had planned? Did he not buy the gym excuse I had given him? Worry began to eat me alive as I tried to block out the noises he was making above me.

  I returned to my thoughts of Sean and how much I loved him. He was a good man. He was from a big family, unlike myself, and they were all very close. I had met his mom once a very long time ago. We had instantly connected, just as Sean and I had when we had met. I now thought of her as an added bonus to my relationship with Sean.

  She was the mother figure I had always longed for but never been lucky enough to have. I had only had a few interactions with her but she treated me as if she’d known me her entire life. She was one of those people that you felt as if you’d always known. I felt as if it sealed the fact that Sean and I were meant to be together. It was my chance at the life I had always longed for, the life I never thought I’d have, and the life I felt like I deserved.

  I was done being Tony Paulette’s punching bag. Done!

  Once he finished, he looked right at me and mumbled, “Cold fish.” Then he shook his head and removed himself from my half-naked body. He no longer even cared to take my top off, only needing access to the bottom half of my body. The only thing that he cared about. Not that he really cared for it anyway.

  I wanted
to cry, but didn’t bother with it. My right eye was pulsing in pain and crying would only make it throb more. Not to mention, his demeaning words no longer affected me the way they once did. I didn’t care if he thought of me as a cold fish. That’s exactly what I was when I was beneath him. I was in my safe place and just waited until it was over, so of course I was nothing but a cold fish to him. I didn’t care. Sean didn’t think of me that way.

  Sean.

  I had to see him. My mind wouldn’t stop spinning at the emotions Sean must have been feeling at the moment. I knew he was thinking about me and wondering how I was. Maybe I could send him a quick text without Tony noticing. I needed to let him know that I was okay.

  “I have a meeting in a little bit with one of the star witnesses, so I have to leave. But I swear to you, Charlotte, if you leave…” He let the threat hang in the air, knowing he didn’t need to finish it for the meaning to be heard. I was cognizant of all the things he had done to me in the past and my overactive imagination was worse than anything he could threaten me with.

  “I won’t leave, Tony,” I promised, knowing I didn’t mean a word of it. He could go and fuck himself. I wouldn’t leave forever, but I would leave to ensure Sean was okay. I would walk through broken glass for Sean, no matter the consequences.

  He nodded and finished dressing himself before heading to the front door.

  I watched him leave, making sure he was truly gone this time. I knew I couldn’t carry out the plan I had woken up with. I couldn’t pack my bags or dig up my money. He had made it very clear what would happen if I did. Plus, now that Sean had shown up when I was supposedly leaving, he would be an accomplice if I ever did leave. Tony wouldn’t forget that fact. But that didn’t stop me from going to see Sean. I had to make sure he was okay. I had to make sure he knew that this was only a roadblock, but it wouldn’t keep us from ultimately being together in the end.