Hindsight

by Leddy Harper

  Sean broke the kiss and was breathing hard. The want for me was displayed through the fabric of his pants and I blushed as I turned away. It was a good thing that my own arousal wasn’t as noticeable as his. However, if he had explored further, there would be no question that his lips gave me the same reaction that mine had obviously given him.

  Sean kept readjusting his jeans as we walked up to the restaurant and I started to laugh at his uncomfortable position. It was mostly nervous laughter. I was a fairly modest person and had little sexual experience when I met Sean. The only other person I had been with was Tony and he always made me feel inadequate.

  Sean grinned at me and said, “Are you enjoying the discomfort you caused me?”

  “A little,” I answered shyly. It still amazed me that I could turn him on so intensely with just a kiss. Most of the time with Tony, I was convinced the only thing that had turned him on was the thought of a warm hole. It was never me that had turned him on and knowing I had that ability over someone gave me a power I wasn’t sure I knew how to handle.

  “You are so sexy. It doesn’t matter what you do to me, you always turn me on. You could give me just a look and it would make my dick hard. I want you so badly right now. You’re all I think about.”

  I gasped at his admission. Then flushed at the compliment he had given me. I felt the same way about him. I just wanted to be with him. Just being near him was enough. I knew exactly what he meant.

  “Don’t go shy on me, Char. You know it’s true. I’m only home when I’m buried inside of you. The only music I ever want to hear is the sounds you make when I make you c—”

  He was interrupted by the waiter who stopped by to take our drink order. I was sure my face was a deep red, embarrassed at what the stranger might have overheard. But Sean didn’t seem fazed by it, smirking the entire time we ordered our drinks.

  His smile fell from his face as soon as the man walked away and I let out a loud sigh, looking everywhere but his face. I had put a lot of thought into what I wanted to talk to him about, but I wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. It was a very sensitive topic and one that I never liked to talk about with him. But his beautiful gift had given me the courage that I had desperately needed. All I could think about was having my own place where I could display my roses in my gorgeous new vase.

  “What just happened? Where’s your smile?” he asked, burning a hole into my face with his eyes.

  “I can’t do this anymore,” I turned to him and blurted out.

  Sean blinked his eyes at me in shock.

  That’s when my words finally circled back to me and I heard them. I shook my head vigorously and tried again. “No. I mean, I can’t do this with Tony anymore. I want to leave him.”

  His lips twitched as if he wanted to smile but didn’t know how to.

  “I do,” I said slowly. “I really do.” My eyes began to fill with tears. I blinked them away, not wanting to cry. They were tears that were born out of relief. The relief I felt at finally uttering the words I had been dying to say for so long.

  “I’ll help you,” Sean promised and grabbed my hands tenderly, finally allowing the smile to take over his features. He looked into my eyes and his amber pools immediately soothed my soul. I felt elated by the words I had finally been brave enough to say. Sean had been after me to leave for so long but I finally felt as if I were ready.

  “I have to wait until he gets back.”

  “Why?”

  “I just do. It’s the only way. I have some things that I have to collect at the house. Things that are important to me. I can’t leave them behind. I can hide them in the attic and come back for them later. Tony would never look in the attic. But aside from that, I have to rent a place. I have to get things in order to make this happen. He comes home in two days, I don’t have enough time to do it before he gets back.”

  “I can help. We can get it all done in one day with my help,” he begged.

  I shook my head. “No, Sean. We can’t do this on the fly by the seat of our pants. We have to plan it out. We have to think of all the things Tony could do so we can’t be taken by surprise. Trust me, we have to wait and plan.”

  Sean nodded. “Let’s come up with a plan then.”

  We talked for at least an hour while conjuring up the best plan we could manage. I told Sean that the house was still being watched. It had started a couple weeks before, so I wanted to keep my same schedule. I didn’t want to tip off Tony that anything was wrong. I would need the time he was gone to carry out my plan, to get things in order.

  “I’ll come and pick you up on Monday morning, after Tony leaves for work.”

  I nodded, “That will work. He leaves by eight in the morning, so you can come around eight thirty.”

  “It’s all set!” Sean exclaimed with excitement.

  I felt shaky and woozy at my sudden spurt of independence. I couldn’t believe I was finally leaving Tony! I no longer felt badly about it. I had endured enough violence to last a lifetime.

  “We can go to my family’s home in Connecticut for Thanksgiving! I can’t wait for you to meet everyone.”

  “Do you think your family will accept me?”

  “Accept you? They’ll love you! Just like I do!” He cupped my chin and gazed into my eyes adoringly. “You don’t realize how special you are, but I do. I will spend every day for the rest of my life, cherishing you. Cherishing you as you should have been. I want you to enjoy life. And be mine!”

  I nodded, unable to speak. The thought of being accepted into his big, wonderful family that he always spoke of was too good to be true. It was everything I always wanted.

  “My family has some traditions that you may have to get used to. Some of them are corny, but I swear my family members have the best intentions. How are you at Pictionary? We always play that after dinner. Everyone is laying around like beached whales, having engorged themselves on too much turkey and pumpkin pie. The last thing anyone wants to do is play a game, but we end up doing it anyway.” He chuckled and I admired how his eyes lit up when he spoke of the family he loved.

  I could only watch him in awe, taking in the expression on his face as he excitedly told me about his family. I knew he loved them without him ever having to admit it. His eyes brightened and his smile said it all. It made me wonder what his face looked like when he was talking about me.

  “Then the next day, the girls go shopping and hit all the Black Friday sales while the guys stay home and put up the Christmas lights. It’s great fun!”

  “It sounds wonderful. So wonderful,” I said and meant it. It sounded too good to be true. I couldn’t remember the last Thanksgiving I had enjoyed. I knew it had been a long time, though, maybe when I was little before Daddy started drinking so much.

  We spent time talking about how wonderful our future together would be. I hadn’t meant to fall in love with Sean. It had just happened. If someone would have asked if I would cheat on my husband, I would have adamantly said never. But never say never. You never know what circumstances that are beyond your control will force you to do. How you are so desperate for someone to understand you that you find yourself bending the moral rules you had set for yourself.

  Sean was a good guy. He had a good family. I loved to listen to the endless stories he told about his growing up years. He had the childhood I would have literally given my right arm to experience.

  “I can’t believe you did that!” I exclaimed in response to one of the childhood antics he had done. I couldn’t believe his mom hadn’t whooped his ass. She was so understanding and only had nurturing and loving bones in her body. No hatred or abuse was passed on to her children.

  “I know! I was lucky that my mom was so understanding. We didn’t tell my dad for a longtime. He would have grounded me for a month!”

  “When’s Stephanie due?” I asked about his older sister. She was due to have her third baby and Sean loved his two nephews. He would soon be blessed with a niece.

  “Right af
ter Christmas. We keep joking that she better pop the kid out before the year ends so that she can have the tax break.”

  I laughed. I couldn’t imagine joking about something like that with my own parents. I loved my mom dearly and she was an angel, but my time with her was limited because she had to work so hard to support me. Then, when my parents had died, I had still been so young. I felt as if I had been robbed of the experiences the future promised. Life wasn’t fair.

  “When I went home for Labor Day, the family had a massive barbeque at our lake house. The lake was so beautiful, the clear water was captivating. I wished you had been there with me. Now you will be.” He kissed me and I returned the kiss wholeheartedly. I wanted him inside of me so badly. Sex never felt good with Tony, but with Sean, it was mind-blowing. He actually cared how I was feeling and looked as if he enjoyed manipulating my body in pleasurable ways. It was intoxicating and I felt like an addict when I was with him. I didn’t want it to end and as soon as it did, I wanted to do it all over again. But it was hard for me. Part of me felt guilty because as bad as Tony treated me, I was still cheating on him. I felt as if that made me just as terrible as he was.

  “Where did you go?” Sean ended the kiss and lovingly rubbed my cheek with the pad of his thumb.

  “It’s not important,” I sighed out.

  “It’s always important. Everything you say is important. Tell me,” he pleaded.

  “I feel guilty,” I admitted and looked down to my lap.

  “Don’t,” he begged. “You have nothing to feel guilty about. If anyone should feel guilty, it’s me. I should have done something a long time ago about that douchebag, but I didn’t.”

  “You didn’t because I begged you not to,” I reminded him and looked back up into his beautiful amber eyes. “It made me love you even more. You listen to me.” I didn’t want Sean to do anything to Tony because I already felt guilty enough for cheating with his best friend. It was important to me to deal with this situation on my own, my way. I was the one who had gotten myself into this situation, it was my job to get out of it. And for the first time in my life, I felt like I would. Sean and I would be together and I would finally have my happily ever after.

  “You know that I would do anything for you. But sitting back and just watching him hurt you makes me want to fucking kill him.”

  I could see the rage cross his face at the mention of Tony hurting me. I reached up and put my hand on his cheek. “I love you,” I said gently. It was like magic. His face transformed and he became the most handsome, gentle man once again. He would never hurt me. Ever. I had never felt safer than when I was with Sean.

  “We should go,” I whispered and put my forehead to his.

  “I’m not ready,” he whispered back. It was always like this. Hard for us to leave each other.

  We finally decided to leave the restaurant after sitting there for two solid hours after our dinner dishes had been cleared away. The waiter started giving us looks, trying to get us to leave, but neither one of us wanted it to end.

  When Sean dropped me off, back at home, I quickly looked around for the mysterious man. He was nowhere to be found.

  I entered my house with newfound happiness. I started to pack my bag and work out a plan to leave Tony on Monday.

  In less than a week, I would be starting a new, wonderful chapter to my life.

  I couldn’t wait.

  November 9th, 2014

  It was a Sunday, a day I would never be able to forget. Tony had done lots of things to me in the past. But ever since the trial had begun, things became a lot harsher. Not that the things he had put me through prior to the trial were okay, just that he had become more vindictive.

  I was moving around much better and no longer needed the knee brace. I never wore it around Tony, knowing he would assume I had gone to the hospital. We had been down that road once before and it wasn’t one I ever wanted to travel again. So when I wasn’t wearing it, I had it hidden under the bed. He never cleaned the room so he would have no reason to even check under there. But once I no longer needed to wear it, I had forgotten to put it away. I didn’t want to get rid of it in the event I ever needed it again.

  I was in the bathroom, curling my long brown hair. I loved my hair for so many reasons. I used to love it because I felt as if it made me look better by enhancing my looks. I was plain looking, not much about me would scream I was a stunning woman. My chest was on the smaller side and I didn’t have many curves in my hips. The only thing I had that made me feel feminine was my hair that reached my lower back. I loved to curl it, feeling like it heightened my appearance. Who was I kidding? I mainly loved to curl it because Sean loved it.

  The other reason I loved my long hair so much was because I could use it as a curtain, hiding the anger Tony had marked me with when I was in public. It had become my security blanket over the years.

  Tony came in the bathroom behind me just as I had finished my last curl. He stood directly behind me and I could see his face over the top of my head. He had a smile on his face and it calmed the storm that had instinctually began to build inside of me the moment he entered the room.

  He ran his fingers through my hair, taking a whiff of my clean locks as he brought it to his nose. I wasn’t sure what he was doing, since the only times he ever touched my hair was when he used it to drag me from one place to another when he was angry. His hands ran down my back and I felt my posture automatically stiffen. It could only mean one thing—he was trying to seduce me. I wasn’t in the mood for it, not that I had ever been when it came to Tony. I tried to make myself relax, if I was stiff it made him irritated.

  “I see your knee is feeling better,” he spoke softly into my ear as he bent down to place his lips on my shoulder.

  I nodded. “The swelling is almost completely gone.”

  “That’s good to hear. I must say, I’m impressed with all you were still able to do even with a bum knee.”

  He was goading me; I just knew it. I kept quiet, not wanting to get myself into a situation I wouldn’t be able to get out from. I stood there, letting him paw at me with his lips as I forced my body to obey his commands. His hands had circled my waist, moving to the front of my body.

  “How were you able to do it, Char? Did you go to the hospital?” This time, he looked into the mirror, studying my eyes as he waited for my answer. His eyes had turned deep black.

  My back was so tense it caused the muscles around my spine to ache. I tried to steady my breathing before answering him, knowing that he knew something. I didn’t know what he knew, so I had no idea how to answer him. My mind raced with the possibilities. Did he know about the help Sean had hired for me the first week after the incident? Did he know about the clinic I had gone to? What did he know? I knew I couldn’t wait forever before giving him and answer. The longer Tony Paulette had to wait, the worse the punishment would be.

  “No, Tony. You know I would never do that again.” I had learned my lesson the first time. I would never go to the hospital again. They had filed charges automatically without even telling me. I had taken a beating for that one.

  “Well, you sought medical attention, I know that. If it wasn’t the hospital, then where did you go? And more importantly, what did you tell them?” His hands had completely stilled on my stomach as his eyes burned holes into me through the mirror in front of us.

  I couldn’t lie… well, not much. He would know. “I went to a private practice and told them I fell down my stairs.”

  “Hmmm…” he hummed and I could feel the vibrations from his throat on my shoulder. “And how did you get there? I’m sure you couldn’t have possibly driven yourself.”

  Shit. Fuck. How would I answer that. He knew I didn’t have any friends, and the ones I did have, he didn’t know about. I couldn’t tell him it was Norma without explaining the shelter. The safest bet was to go with the truth. Hell, maybe he had already spoken to Sean and coaxed it out of him, although I highly doubted it. Sean would protect me to
the ends of the earth.

  “Sean took me.” I held my breath while he processed my answer.

  He stood up straight and pushed his body into mine, shoving my hipbones in to the ledge of the counter in front of me. It bit at my skin as the ledge dug in to me and I failed miserably at hiding my wince. The pain radiated through my midsection so badly that it left me with that feeling you get when you need to throw up.

  “Sean? As in my friend, Sean? Why did he take you?” His arched eyebrows spoke volumes and made me want to backpedal, but it was too late. I was stuck and had no option but to continue.

  I opened my mouth and said the first thing I could think of, hoping the guilt didn’t show through my reflection. “I called him. I told him I had tried you first but you were in court and must have your phone off. I told him I fell down the stairs and I needed help.”

  “And he believed you?”

  “Of course he did. Why wouldn’t he?” I scoffed as I prayed he did not hear my beating heart that was thudding loudly between my ears.

  “How did you explain your face? It was a disgusting mess when I had come home that evening. How did you explain that?” His voice was menacing as he interrogated me.

  “I fell down the stairs, Tony. It’s not hard to have injuries all over your body when one falls down a flight of stairs. Don’t worry, he believed me. He’s your best friend! He took me to see his friend who owns his own practice. I told him that I didn’t want to go to the hospital because they would want to do surgery and I wanted to avoid that.” If there was one thing I had learned from being married to a lawyer, it was how to tell a lie. He knew the signs people had when they lied, and I had learned through previous incidences what my tells were. I kept my eyes focused on him, fighting hard not to avert my eyes from his, and spoke clearly. I didn’t stumble, I didn’t go into explicit detail, and I didn’t waiver as I told him my version of the truth.