Hindsight

by Leddy Harper

  “If that’s what happened, why hide your brace under the bed? Why not tell me you had gone to see someone?”

  “What would you have done if I had told you, Tony?” I watched a devious smirk cross his face. “Exactly. You would have taken the brace from me and I wouldn’t have had the support I needed to get your chores done for you.”

  In a flash, he had his hands tangled in my perfectly curled hair at the back of my head, pulling my head back until I was looking at the ceiling. I was waiting for the hand to come down on my face and squeezed my eyes shut, but that never happened. Instead, I heard a vanity drawer open.

  I opened my eyes, trying to see what he was about to do, but my head was held so tightly in that position that I couldn’t see anything other than the white ceiling.

  “Is there anything going on between you and my friend, Charlotte? And tell me the truth. I’ll know if you’re lying.” He had his mouth to my ear as he tugged even harder on the back of my hair.

  My hands were trying to grasp his, hoping to lessen the pain, but they couldn’t reach. He had me in such a compromising position I couldn’t do anything but stand there and answer his question. At least my face had been contorted in pain so that he wouldn’t be able to tell the lie I was about to spew at him.

  “No, Tony.” I concentrated on keeping my voice even but not so it sounded monotone. There was a fine line between the two and Tony missed nothing. “Nothing is going on. I didn’t have anyone else to call and you were right when you said I wouldn’t have been able to drive myself. I didn’t even know where to go since I knew the hospital was out of the question. Please, Tony. Nothing is going on. He’s your friend and the only other person I know. I swear,” I cried, hoping he would believe me and let me go.

  “You better not be lying to me, Char. So help me, God, if you are.”

  “I’m not. I swear it,” I pleaded, trying to hold back the sobs that were wracking my body. It made him angrier when I cried, so over the years, I had perfected holding them in.

  I heard them before anything happened. The sound of scissors opening and closing. That was what he had pulled from the drawer and I tried to brace myself for what he would do with them. He had hit me with things before, but scissors weren’t used for hitting. My mind went into a tailspin wondering which part of my body he would slice, and if it would be fatal. My stomach clenched as I wondered if it would be a stab or a cut… or how many. I wondered if it would be fast or if he would let me bleed out slowly.

  Images of my body, bleeding on the bathroom floor flooded my mind. What would happen to me? Would he leave me there? Would he call for help and make it seem as though I had tried to kill myself? Would he wrap my body in the shower curtain and dump me someplace, only to be found by wild animals? I went cold, violently shaking as my mind whirled with questions and scenarios that no one should ever have, waiting for his move.

  Tony’s hand moved in my hair and that’s when I felt it. He didn’t stab me or cut away at my skin. He began chopping away at my hair. The tears stung my eyes as they tumbled out and down my cheeks, dripping into my ears from the angle my head was tilted back in. The cold tears muffled the sounds around me, only letting me hear my own sobs and pleas. The thought of further punishments didn’t even cross my mind as the tears escaped my eyes and the pleading words passed my lips. This was far worse than anything else he could’ve done to me. He knew how much I treasured my long locks. He knew! I couldn’t hold the tears back as my heart shattered into a million pieces. My hair! He was cutting my hair!

  The hard truth hit me as I silently wished that he would have stabbed or cut me instead of cutting off my beautiful locks.

  Once he was finally done hacking away at my hair, he released his hold on me. The release was so sudden that I stumbled and my arms flailed, searching for something to grasp on to. I grabbed the counter and concentrated on keeping my gaze down. I didn’t want to look at myself, fearful of what I would look like. But as I looked down, avoiding my reflection, I saw the long pieces of hair scattered on the floor around my feet. The devastation and loss hit me as I started crying harder, louder as defeat consumed me.

  My fingers began nervously running through the hair he had left on my head, wondering how short he had taken it. I felt it just beneath my shoulders, thankful he hadn’t taken it all off. The loss I felt was so great that I had a hard time pulling myself together. I quickly adverted my eyes so that I couldn’t see the beautiful curling strands that were dead on the floor, no longer shrouding me.

  “If I find out you’re lying to me, I’ll use a razor and shave it all off. This is just a warning, Char. If I have even an inkling that anything is going on, things will be worse for you. If there’s anything, anything going on at all, it had better end now. Because you won’t want to know what will happen if I find out my wife is going behind my back with my best friend.” His voice was cold and hard, sending shivers through my body.

  I finally looked into the mirror, but not at my reflection. I would avoid that at all costs for as long as I could muster. Instead, I looked into his dark eyes. The evilness I could see in them still surprised me, even though I had seen evidence of it numerous times.

  “And you won’t want to know what I’d do to Sean—or any man—if I find out you’re fucking someone else.” With that, he turned and left the room, calling out over his shoulder, “And clean that mess up.”

  Twenty minutes later, after sweeping up what had been my security and depositing it in the trash, I found the courage to approach him. He was sitting in the living room, watching TV, acting as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened earlier. The hardness in his shoulders had vanished and he was chuckling along to whatever childish show he was watching.

  “Tony,” I began, hoping the nervousness wasn’t as evident in my voice as I had believed. “Can I please go to the salon so that they might be able to fix my hair?”

  He glanced over at me, losing the smile from his face and scowling at me. “Please do. I don’t want anyone questioning my taste in women, even though they already do. Your hair looks awful.” Then he turned back to the television and began laughing again as if I didn’t deserve any additional attention. It was a complete snub, but one I was grateful for; it meant he was done torturing me for the moment.

  I didn’t waste any time gathering my keys and purse, leaving before he could change his mind. I rushed to a local salon, begging them to fix it. I made up an excuse that my child had cut my hair while I was napping. They seemed to have bought it, giving me looks of sympathy as they began to correct the horrible job Tony had done to me.

  Just as the woman was blow drying my new style, which left my hair at my shoulders in long layers, a text came through my phone. I recognized the number immediately and opened it up.

  What’s going on? I just got off the phone with Tony. He was asking me all kinds of questions about us. He said you weren’t home. Where are you? I’m worried!

  My heart sank as I read his words. I needed to know what Tony had asked and what he said in the event Tony decided to bring the topic back up. I needed to make sure our stories were the same. Tony could smell an inconsistency from a mile away.

  I’m at the salon getting my hair done. I’ll call you when I leave.

  A second later, another text came through.

  What salon? I’m coming to you.

  I typed out where I was and hit send. Fear consumed me, worried that we would get caught. What if Tony had followed me and saw us? He already suspected that there was something going on; although, I knew he would never believe that his friend would betray him in that way. The idea of seeing Sean comforted me so greatly that I abandoned all the other thoughts. I was in a war between two emotions. I wanted to see him, needing his comfort, but at the same time, I didn’t want him to see my hair. I felt tears spring to my eyes as I remembered the grief that had consumed me when Tony had chopped my hair off, as if it were nothing. Tony had always been talented to discern what would hurt
me the worst. He was a master at maneuvering expeditiously to the quick and causing immediate hurt.

  The stylist had done a great job with my hair. Once I had gathered up the nerve to look into the mirror, I had been pleasantly surprised. She had made it look like someone hadn’t murdered my hair with a pair of household scissors, yet it still hurt to see the length. I wondered if the pain would ever leave or if it would always stay there, lying dormant until something reminded me of my long hair. I wouldn’t be able to hide behind my veil any longer.

  As I paid my bill at the counter, the door flew open and Sean charged in.

  The woman behind the counter giggled and looked at Sean. “You might want to hide the scissors from your kids from now on, unless you want your wife to wake up one morning with hair shorter than yours.” She thought Sean was my husband and that immediately brought a smile to my lips.

  He looked at me and immediately began to laugh. I’m sure he was thinking the same thing I was. I belonged to another man, yet in public, people thought I belonged to him. It must have been the way we looked at one another, and it only gave me a deeply rooted worry that Tony would eventually see the same thing.

  Sean reached out and touched my hair. I could feel the smile fade from my lips. His only grew wider as he pulled me closer to him. “It looks beautiful, babe. This just proves that no matter what you do to yourself”—he turned his eyes to the woman at the counter—“or what our little rugrats do to you, you’ll always be beautiful.”

  The woman behind me swooned audibly and I felt another smile radiate from my face. He took my hand and led me outside. He continued to hold it even though I had tried to let go once we were out the doors. I didn’t want to chance being seen holding his hand, especially after what had taken place that morning at the house.

  He led me to his car and opened the passenger door, closing it after I sat down.

  “I have my own car, Sean. I can’t go anywhere with you.”

  “I know. We’re not going anywhere. We’re just going to sit right here and talk.” He looked at me and touched my face, telling me that he loved me through unspoken words. The evidence of his love and concern surrounded me like a warm blanket. “What’s going on? What happened to your hair and why did Tony call me?”

  I shrugged, not even knowing where to begin.

  “He was asking all kinds of questions about us,” he continued.

  “What did he say? What did you say?” I asked him and felt my stomach turn into nervous knots. I was so scared at what might happen, the ramifications of the facts Sean had relayed to Tony.

  “He just wanted to know if there was anything going on between us. I guess he had found out that I had taken you to see a doctor and he was asking about that. I told him you had called me, needing help after falling down the stairs and I had offered to take you to see my friend.”

  “How did you know to say I had fallen down the stairs?” I asked in surprise.

  He smirked. “Char, I’ve known you for years. I’ve seen the bruises long before I knew what was going on. It was always one excuse after another, but when you were seriously injured, it was always the stairs. I know your go-to excuses better than I know my own.”

  I nodded, knowing he was right. Over the last six years, I had “fallen down stairs” more times than I could count. Good thing we actually had stairs; I wouldn’t know how to excuse my injuries without them.

  “What did you say when he asked if anything was going on between us?”

  He scoffed and rolled his eyes. “I told him that there was. That I am in love with you and trying to steal you away from him. I told him that the highlight of my week is when he goes to his girlfriend’s house so I can sink balls deep in you, and that I can’t wait until he’s out of the picture so I can do it every day.” He laughed at my shocked expression. “What do you think, Char? Of course I didn’t tell him all of that. I told him he had nothing to worry about. He’s my best friend and you’re his wife. I am friends with you by association and that means we are a part of each other’s lives.”

  “And what did he say?” That was the important thing. It didn’t matter what either of us said to Tony, the only thing that would calm my nerves was what Tony had said to Sean.

  “He apologized for assuming and accusing us of having something going on. He said he was just being paranoid over losing you and how the stress of this case had consumed him. I assured him again that nothing was going on, that we were friends and I would never cross that line. He told me he knew that and trusted me.”

  The rigidness in my body finally relented and I was able to relax. If Tony was apologizing to Sean, that meant he had believed it. Sean had been able to make Tony believe his words and hopefully, that mean he would be off my back as well.

  “It’s okay, Char. He—”

  “This whole thing scares me.” I cut him off. My voice was shaking with emotion. “I’m not a cheater, and cheating on my husband with his best friend makes me a harlot. It makes me a horrible person. What the hell am I doing? What in the hell are we doing?” I began frantically talking.

  He silenced me with his lips and I felt my shoulders sag in sweet relief.

  “Char,” he said as he pulled his lips away but kept his forehead on mine. “If Tony was a real husband then I would agree with you. But he’s not. A real husband—a real man—would never lay his hands on his wife… on any woman for that matter. So no, you’re not a harlot. You’re not a horrible person. And as for what we’re doing? We’re doing anything two people that are in love with each other would do. This isn’t a normal situation. If anyone should feel guilty, it’s him. He should rot in hell for what he’s done to you.”

  “What if he finds out?” I asked, still plagued with worry.

  His lips found mine again and his hands worked their way into my hair. It was different from the way Tony had done it that morning. The way Sean held onto me was possessive, yes, but in a loving way, not out of anger or anything other than complete adoration. It was so easy to see the difference in the two men. It still shocked me at times since I had only seen evidence of the kind of man Tony is during my growing up years. My father had been the same kind of man.

  “He won’t find out before we’re ready for him to. But if he does, I can hold my own when it comes to him. We used to spar in college and even he knows he doesn’t stand a chance against me. As for you… if he even thinks about anything, I’ll kill him. I swear to you, Char, I will kill him, even if that means I’ll spend the rest of my life behind bars. At least I’ll know you’re safe, because a miracle wouldn’t even be able to save him once I’m done with him.”

  The intensity of his words scared me, making me wonder how serious he was about it. I knew he meant them, though. He meant every fucking word. The last thing I would be able to handle was a life without Sean. I would never be able to live with myself knowing he was locked away for protecting me. No. I knew then that I had to be very careful about what I told him. I knew I couldn’t hide the abuse from him, but other than that, I would have to keep certain things hidden. I hated the thought of not confiding everything to him, but it was primarily for his protection to keep him in the dark.

  Tony had threatened me a time or two, letting me know in his subtle way that he would kill me before ever letting me go, but I would never be able to tell Sean about that. I would rather die than to know Sean had taken a life for me.

  “Be with me,” I begged, pulling at his shirt to bring him as close to my body as the front seat of his car would physically allow. “I need you, Sean. I need you to make this feeling go away. I don’t want to hear you talk like that. It scares me. I can’t live without you.” I sounded like I was crying, but my eyes were dry as I spoke the words. My voice was just emotionally raw.

  In one quick move, he reached below his seat, lifted the lever, and slid his seat as far back as it could go. Then, he reached over the center console and lifted me like I was a rag doll, pulling me into his lap. My knee ached from t
he move, but other than a small wince, I didn’t let on that I was feeling any discomfort. I straddled his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck, letting him pull me into the security of his body. The comfort that radiated from his body into mine was unbelievable. He had a magical way of making everything better with the simplest of gestures.

  “All of my hair is gone,” I cried into his chest as he rubbed circles on my back and shushed me tenderly.

  “I was serious when I said it doesn’t matter what you do to yourself. You are beautiful no matter what. When will you finally believe that you are a beautiful woman, Char? When will you see the men that shoot me jealous glances because I’m with you and they aren’t? You are so fucking beautiful, not only on the outside. You have the most giving and kind heart.” He held me tightly and I tried not to shy away from his compliments. They were so hard to take. “At least this time when you ride me, your hair won’t get in the way,” he said with a teasing laugh.

  I couldn’t help but laugh with him, happy for the break in emotion I had been reeling from. I felt my body shake in his arms as the giggles erupted, then continued. He was right, my hair had always gotten in the way when I had been on top during our moments of intimacy. And he knew how much I liked to be on top since I never was allowed to experience that luxury with Tony. Leave it to Sean to turn my tragic hair incident into a perverted cause.

  I stayed like that, in his arms, sometimes kissing, sometimes just letting him hold me for an hour. I knew I needed to get back home; Tony would know something else was going on if I had stayed out too late. I had only gone for a haircut and that in itself had taken almost an hour. He would know and the threat ate at me until I decisively pulled away, kissed Sean goodbye, and then headed back to my car to head home.

  Tony was there when I walked through the front door. I had fixed my hair in the car, making sure he wouldn’t be able to tell that fingers had been running through it for the last hour. He looked over to me and stared, not making a single move or sound.