Hindsight

by Leddy Harper

  He grabbed me and hugged me securely. I stood ramrod straight, unsure what to do. After a moment, I sagged in his arms. It felt so good to finally have someone on my side, rallying in my corner.

  “I want to see you again. Just you. So we can talk.”

  “That’s not a good idea,” I whispered as I kept darting looks to the kitchen doorway. I was paranoid that Tony walking through it at any moment and see our embrace. I pushed myself away from Sean’s chest with my left arm. “I can’t.” My voice held a finality that pained me. I finally had a confidant and I was brushing him aside. What the fuck was I doing? I should be rejoicing and asking him to join my team.

  I was scared. These emotions were so new that I didn’t know how to deal with them adequately. Hope began to bubble under the surface and I had to fight to keep it down. The problem with hope was the letdown at the end.

  I couldn’t afford hope.

  “I will help you get out of this if it’s the last thing I do,” he promised.

  “Don’t bother, Sean. He’s your friend. Don’t get tangled up in this.”

  He shook his head. “No. I am not friends with guys that beat on women.”

  “There’s nothing for you to do.”

  “I’ll show him what it’s like to be beaten and left defenseless.”

  “Don’t. That’s stupid. It won’t solve anything and would only make matters worse. Just leave it alone. Let it be. I’ve survived this far without any help. I don’t need any now.”

  “He deserves to die for what he’s done to you.”

  “Now you sound like him.”

  “I am not Tony. I am nothing like him,” he roared.

  “You should go.” I didn’t have anything else to say to him. I felt as if I had said too much as it was and couldn’t risk saying or doing more. “He’ll be home and if he catches you here…” I didn’t need to finish that sentence.

  “I’ll be back, Charlotte. I promise. I’ll be back to save you.” Those were his last words before he reluctantly left the house.

  I couldn’t help but feel sad that I was alone. I had always been alone and after one evening with Sean, after confessing for the first time, I found myself completely and utterly alone. And I hated it.

  I wanted things to change.

  And I wanted Sean to save me.

  I just hoped I wouldn’t die before he could.

  September 18, 2014

  I was desperately looking for a parking spot. Tony had asked me to meet him downtown for lunch. He had sounded excited when he called so I didn’t think he had an ulterior motive, but then again, who knew when it came to Tony’s antics. I could never tell what his purpose was. I had stopped trying long ago when I had switched to survival mode. If this was a ploy of some kind, then I would grin and simply bear it until it was over. Then I would go home and lick my wounds privately.

  Tony was a gigantic dick, but only I seemed to know this fact. Everyone else seemed oblivious. Even his best friend, Sean. It was maddening.

  Tony had telephoned me and had stated that he had good news. The only bizarre thing from the phone conversation was when he said that he wanted to share it with me. Tony share good news with me… that wasn’t likely. Then Tony had explained that he had two of his law partners in his office during his phone call to me; it had suddenly made sense. He was showing off, pretending to be the caring and devoted husband. He was so good at pretending.

  I was nervous. He had said something about not wanting me to see it on the news and needing me to hear it from him first. Now the anticipation and simultaneous dread of the conversation that lay before me had me rattled. I had no clue what to expect or what he had in store for me. I had no idea if he would show up alone for lunch or with his partners. I was going in blind.

  I finally found a parking spot, but it was five blocks away. Parking downtown, especially in this area at lunchtime, was difficult. Now I had no choice. I would have to essentially run—in high heels no less—to meet Tony if I was going to make it in time. I groaned as I dug in my purse for change to feed the meter and then noticed it was one of the new parking meters that accepted credit cards.

  I happily swiped my card—glad that one thing was going my way—and then was on my way to meet Tony.

  I tried to keep a clear head as I walked briskly, uncertainties swarming. What would Tony tell me? Maybe he had filed for divorce. That would be good news for me. But that was unlikely since he had made the earlier call with his partners present. Tony was very well known locally, so it wasn’t improbable that whatever he had to tell me would make headline news.

  As an attorney, Tony was very successful. It seemed as if memorizing law and setting things in motion for a successful trial came easily to him. It also seemed like the parts of the law that included not beating your wife were overlooked. Tony was good at turning a blind eye to things that didn’t benefit him.

  I hadn’t ever really been involved in his career, other than making a few obligatory appearances as the wife at client dinners or law firm parties. I could tell he never actually wanted me at those soirées, but the other partners of the law firm required it. Tony had to put up a good front.

  We would usually attend the party and then Tony would disappear and leave me alone while he fucked some floozy in the backroom. Then he’d come back and say he had to take an important phone call. Such a fucking liar.

  When I came up to the restaurant where I was to meet Tony, I noticed a couple of local news vans already lined up outside. That’s what I thought. This was once again, only for show. I wondered what the hell he was up to this time. I was about to find out.

  I made sure my long wavy hair was perfectly placed over my shoulders and checked my lip-gloss in one of the windows that I passed before reaching the entrance. Tony would expect nothing less than perfection.

  I saw Tony sitting in a window seat and waved to the hostess to signal I didn’t need her help before making my way over to him.

  He stood—always the gentleman—and greeted me with the compulsory kiss on my cheek.

  “Hello,” I murmured and then sat down in the seat across from him as he gestured. I could see the door from where I sat and, for some reason, that always offered me some peace. Like I could escape if I needed to. It was a kneejerk reaction and one that I couldn’t stop. I was programmed to always look for an escape route when I was with Tony. Just in case. Even though I knew he wouldn’t hurt me in public, it didn’t ease my mind.

  “What would you like to drink?” he asked me as the waiter came over to take my order.

  “Just an iced tea, please,” I said quietly and then opened my menu to make my lunch selection. I never knew how quickly Tony would order so it was better to be ready than to piss him off. I always tried to stay one-step ahead.

  “Close your menu and listen to me,” Tony demanded. He reached for my hand and clasped it in his.

  I looked up at him in surprise. We were alone so there was no need for token actions.

  “I had a visitor today. I was asked to do something that will forever change my life and yours.” His words were gruff and the celebratory mood from his phone call gone. The tides had once again turned.

  I sat and kept my mouth shut. When my tea was delivered I busied myself with adding sweetener and stirring, which caused him to release the hand he had clutched in his.

  “I know you won’t care that this is causing me despair; in fact, you may celebrate, but this case worries me.”

  “Case?” I raised my eyebrows in question. I wasn’t following him.

  He let out a long sigh and started to fidget. Something he only did when he was desperate or nervous. “I had a visitor today,” he began again. “He’s not even close to being a good person, but I owe him a favor so I had no choice but to agree. He has a client who is being accused of killing his spouse. He’s asked me to defend this man, Erich Nepson.”

  “Okay,” I said noncommittally, but wanted to show him I was paying attention. I just wished he wo
uld spit it out.

  “He has demanded that I defend Nepson for free. Pro bono. The problem is that I can’t tell the partners this. They can’t find out I’m defending this man for free. This case will take an insurmountable amount of work and billable hours. Not only that, but this case is definitively going to trial. I have to process this case for free but they can’t know. If they find out, they’ll think I’ve lost my mind. I don’t take pro bono cases. I’ve passed that point in my career.”

  I wasn’t really understanding what he was getting at. It didn’t sound like a difficult situation. He would just need to tell this guy that he couldn’t do the case. End of story. What was the big deal?

  “I cannot tell him that I won’t take the case. He’ll kill me. I owe him.”

  “What do you—”

  “I can’t tell you what I owe him so don’t even ask me. It’s none of your business. I’m just telling you that this is going to take a toll on us financially. You probably won’t even notice a difference because you’re in your own little world. But I have to cover Nepson’s expenses in addition to taking his case for free. I won’t be bringing any money in and will be covering his bills from the firm. This is ridiculous and I can’t believe that I’ve been backed into a corner like this. Fuck!” he said angrily as he slapped the table and then leaned back in his seat.

  He had been so excited on the call when he asked me to meet him that it was hard to switch gears. I was used to Tony’s mood swings, but this was entirely different. I couldn’t remember a time when I had seen Tony so anxious about his work. This seemed to be tearing him up. Was it bad if I admitted that I was enjoying his angst slightly? I was smiling on the inside.

  I felt prickles on the back of my neck and looked up to meet the gaze of a man sitting a few tables away. The man had coal black eyes, like Tony. He was staring directly at us and didn’t even look away as was customary when you got caught staring. He kept on staring as if he didn’t have a care in the world. His confidence was uncanny.

  “I cannot believe this.”

  Tony’s words brought my attention back to him.

  “He’s here!” he growled under his breath.

  “Who’s here?” I asked him, feeling a little panicky at the entire situation.

  “CJ,” he said with disgust. “Can’t he leave me alone for a second?”

  I looked back up, but the mystery man was gone. Had that man been the infamous CJ? I could only assume that CJ was the man forcing Tony to take this case. My interest was piqued, as well as my fear. What did he have on Tony to make him do these things? Knowing Tony, it was probably a lot, and more than likely really bad.

  “What do you want?” Tony asked harshly to the waiter that approached our table.

  “Can I take your order, sir?” he asked apprehensively.

  “We’ll both take the chicken house salads,” Tony responded dismissively.

  The waiter nodded and then scrambled away.

  I shook my head in embarrassment. I hated when Tony treated people that way.

  “Was the man sitting over there CJ?” I asked Tony. I normally wouldn’t question Tony, but I felt like the punishment I might receive from asking was worth the answer I may receive.

  “Yes,” Tony snapped out and ripped off a piece of bread from the breadbasket located in the center of the table. When he tore the bread from the crust it sent a shiver down my spine.

  I was hungry for more information. Who was this CJ with the black eyes, dark as coal? And what did he mean to Tony?

  “He’s the one that asked me to take the case,” Tony answered my silent question. “He’s dangerous. If you ever see him, stay away from him.”

  I knew the subject was now closed. I could tell from the tone of his voice. I wouldn’t be able to learn anything else about the illicit CJ. I couldn’t even remember what he looked like. I had been so drawn to his eyes that I hadn’t taken in any additional details from his appearance. Would I recognize him again if I would see him?

  “Tony,” I started timidly. “What does this case mean?” I couldn’t determine what had him so worried. He looked like a rabbit that was being prepared for the slaughter. I was dying to know what this all meant.

  “I’ve already told you enough. You don’t need to know any more about it.”

  We finished lunch and I tried to keep the conversation neutral, but Tony was looking for a fight so it was hard. I was surprised by how hard he was pushing for a fight in public. Usually, he knew better.

  When I arrived home, I was exhausted from the strain I had felt during lunch. I needed to find out answers so I looked to the only place I knew. A place where I had been able to find extraordinary things before.

  Tony’s safes.

  I hurried inside and quickly went to Tony’s office. The place where I was not supposed to be, the place that was off limits and if I were found in here, he would kill me. I knew he would be coming home soon. I could see the need in his eyes. He needed to take out his anger on me and would be coming for me soon.

  I removed the picture from the wall and noted that he still kept it slightly crooked, to the left. He moved it sometimes and I always made sure to take note of the changes so that I could place the picture back in its exact place.

  I dialed the keys to the left until I reached 12, then to the right until I reached 25 and then back to the left until I reached 08. It had been so easy to figure out the code. December 25, 2008, our first Christmas together. Tony had mentioned it as his favorite day countless times. It didn’t take long for me to figure it out.

  I looked inside and to my disappointment, there hadn’t been any files added since the last time I looked. It was too soon. I would need to check back again later. Unless they were in the other safe.

  I quickly moved the picture back into its exact place and then ran up the stairs to our bedroom. Then I moved the armoire aside and quickly opened that safe as well. It was the same code… 12… 25… 08… Easy peasy…

  Tony would be coming soon. I didn’t have time to waste.

  I opened the safe and went through the documents quickly. I knew them all by heart. It didn’t take long to realize there wasn’t much there, either.

  I quickly closed the door to the safe and moved the armoire back into place. The next thing I did, needing answers, was getting out my laptop so that I could look up this Nepson person. Maybe if I knew about him, I would be able to find out more about Tony’s involvement.

  There were plenty of articles dating back to the night his wife was murdered. I wasn’t able to get much from them, other than the back and forth talk of his abusive behavior. Some suggested that he was abusive toward her, others said he loved her and would never lay a hand on her. It made me wonder what people would say about Tony if I were found dead. Would people make comments that he loved me and would never lay a hand on me? Probably. He had everyone fooled.

  The only interesting thing I could find on Nepson was his involvement in gambling. I knew that was a slippery slope—my dad was a bit of a gambler and I saw early on how that could go bad fast. It still didn’t answer what had happened to Nepson’s wife or why Tony would be involved.

  I had to shut down the computer in a hurry as soon as I heard the familiar beep of Tony’s sports car. He was home and dinner hadn’t been prepared. I was too caught up in my research that I hadn’t even realized the time.

  Fear ran through me and I started to think it was just the beginning.

  I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was the beginning to our end.

  March 4th, 2015

  My eyelids were heavy and my eyeballs felt like they were five times the size of normal. There was an ache throughout my entire body and a familiar fear ran through me. What did Tony do to me?

  I snapped my eyes open to take in my surroundings. Nothing was familiar and it took me a second to realize where I was. The hospital. I worried what would happen when Tony found out where I was. And that’s when it all came back to me.

 
The bathroom.

  The blood.

  Death.

  I turned my head to my right and noticed a body sitting in a chair, hands covering their face. It took less than a second before I recognized who it was and let out a deep sigh, earning his attention.

  He looked up at me with wide, amber eyes and jumped from his seat. He ran to the door and called for a nurse before coming to my side. His tear-filled eyes sent an ache through me like none I had ever felt before.

  I tried to reach up to his face to wipe away his pain, but my arms wouldn’t move. Straps held my arms to the sides of the bed, and the more I pulled on them, the more pain shot through them. I began to squirm frantically in the bed, trying to move and failing.

  “We need you to calm down, Mrs. Paulette,” the nurse said from the computer.

  I looked to Sean, but before I could say anything, someone else walked into the room. It was a large, dark figure and it caught my attention. I felt panicky, fidgety, and all I could think about was getting out of there. The closer the man came to me, the more nervous and shaken I became.

  “If you’ll excuse us, I need to have a word with Charlotte,” he said in a deep, baritone voice to the nurse and to Sean.

  I looked to Sean, begging him with my eyes to not leave. He smiled at me and kissed my forehead before nodding to the burly man. He whispered in my ear that everything was going to be okay and then the nurse told him she’d be at the station outside the door if he needed anything. Why would they all leave me with this man? Couldn’t they see how dangerous he was? Did they not care?

  He pulled a chair up close to my bedside once the room was clear and the door was closed. Even as he sat next to me, I had to look up to see his face. He had dark facial hair that looked in desperate need of a trim. Bright green eyes pierced through black, long eyelashes. He looked menacing and scary, yet his approach to me was anything but.