Light Within Me

by Fall, Carly

  But first, she had to get a job.

  Second, she needed to keep the one that she had.

  She thought back to when she had found out her job was safe. It was exactly two days after Noah had ceremoniously dumped her.

  Bastard.

  That one had hurt. And it had briefly pushed her over the edge into that depression she had been fighting.

  Thank God it had only been a brief tailspin, lasting about four weeks. She either slept for hours and hours or couldn’t sleep at all. She didn’t eat and lost a few pounds. She felt overwhelmed by her job, and when she began crying at work for no reason at all, she knew it was time to get some help.

  She began seeing a therapist a couple of times a week, which helped immensely. She also added some yoga to her workout schedule, and she had been able to pull herself out of it without having to go on any antidepressants. She was thankful for that because she had experienced bouts of depression before that required medication, and she hated being on the stuff. It made her feel like she was walking around in a fog and that she didn’t have a care in the world. It felt like reality was a place far, far away, and she detested the feeling.

  Her first diagnosis of depression came when she was fourteen and living in the orphanage. She remembered how low she had felt, how she couldn’t sleep, and how it seemed she was either really angry or in a mess of unstoppable tears. They had put her on meds for the first time then, which helped, but after a couple of months she knew she had to beat the Big D, as she called it, by herself. She wouldn’t rely on medication if she could help it. Since then, she had experienced four other bouts of the Big D, and the most recent episode taking the tally up to five.

  She only had two dates with Noah, but she had allowed herself a little fantasy of them getting together and heading down the road to the happily ever after. She had really liked him. A lot. Maybe, perhaps, even falling in love with him. He was charming in a gruff way, and he made her laugh. She had been open and honest with him in a way she never had with another person, and it made the situation that much harder.

  He also made her feel special with the way he slung his arm protectively over her shoulder, the way he hung on her every word. She had never been with a man who was so attentive to what she had to say. And then there was that strange feeling of attraction, of them somehow belonging together. Her mind went back to the magnets in science class. It was a really strong pull on her side, and she had hoped on his as well.

  Boy, had she been wrong on that one.

  She replayed the last time she saw Noah over and over again, and talked it over with her therapist. There wasn’t anything she had done to bring on the breakup. At first she had been certain it was something she had done or said, but she finally came to the conclusion it was something on his side. She didn’t know what it could be, but that had to be it. Their day at Tahoe had been as close to a perfect date, and she knew he was attracted to her. She could see it when he looked at her, and felt it in . . . well, felt it in him . . . when they had gotten really close on the couch. The way he kissed her, held her, and the hard length in his pants was difficult to ignore.

  No, something else had happened. What that was, she didn’t know, but she was getting better at not obsessing about it. Maybe an old girlfriend re-entered the picture. Or maybe he was married, even though he had told her he wasn’t. Or maybe he had been telling the truth with the whole work excuse he laid on her. Whatever it was, she had gotten to that place where she just hoped he was happy and wished him well.

  That was what she kept telling herself, anyway.

  But back to her job situation. Obviously, she never got the interview with Noah, so she had scrambled to get something together to save her job. She had worked for two days on her newspaper piece and came up with something that she felt was pretty good. Well, somewhat passable at any rate. Okay, barely worth reading.

  She had gone into the office to see if she would lose her job or not.

  When she had arrived, she nodded at James. Besides his sniff-cough thing that made her want to shove some Benadryl down his throat, he really gave her the creeps. He wasn’t tall, maybe around five foot nine, but he was stocky and looked like he could do some damage if he put his mind to it.

  His hair was a greasy black, and his features were plain. He wore off-the-rack suits from Sears and cheap shoes. All of that was fine—it wasn’t like she could afford to buy her clothes at Nordstrom’s or anything—but it was his eyes that really made her uncomfortable. They were very dark . . . okay, they were black, but they were cold. Ice cold. Sometimes when he looked at her she felt like sprinting out of the room.

  He had always been nice enough to her, but never overly friendly, which was fine. She wasn’t looking to be his friend, just to coexist in the cubicle across from him for eight to ten hours a day. That was it.

  That day she had been nervous. She had turned in her story and was basically hanging around the office. She couldn’t do any writing. She busied herself, trying to tidy up her desk.

  “James,” her boss had yelled. She turned around to see James take a deep, nervous breath. She had guessed that their boss, Bob, had told him that his ass was on the line as well.

  She hadn’t known that.

  James strode into Bob’s office, and Bob closed the blinds and the door.

  Uh-oh.

  That couldn’t be good.

  Ten minutes later, James strode out. He didn’t head back to his desk, but toward the front door. Security showed up immediately afterward as he began emptying his desk.

  Abby took a deep breath to try to calm her nerves. She felt bad for the guy, she really did. But at the same time she thought that maybe she wouldn’t have to work with him any longer. That was if she had a job. For all she knew, she would be hot on his heels out the door.

  “Abby!”

  This was it.

  She stood and smoothed her skirt. She took a deep breath and willed her feet to move, one in front of the other.

  As she reached the office door, she smiled at Bob. He was in his sixties, almost bald, and short with a very large paunch belly. As she sat down, she caught a glimpse of the blue- and white-striped shirt that strained over his stomach, and she wondered how those buttons remained closed.

  He looked at her for a moment, then opened a folder. As he began reading, she looked around the room. He had his degrees on the wall behind him, a couple of photos of his kids and his wife. Looked like a nice family. His large oak desk was too big for the office. His chair creaked as he sat back.

  Abby crossed her legs, tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, and watched her foot bounce around in its black high-heel shoe while he looked over the file.

  “So I read the piece you turned in on this unsolved murder case here in Reno,” Bob said. “Took place in 1955. You did an okay job tying it together with questions about some of the murders that have gone unsolved since.”

  She smiled slightly. “Okay” didn’t sound good, but she had been desperate. She had hauled out her collection of unsolved murders and pretty much made something up. She knew it was strange to have an obsession with murders that had not been solved, but she couldn’t help herself. It was her sick little hobby.

  “Thank you,” she murmured.

  “Although I think it’s ridiculous to assume that these murders were committed by the same person, it is interesting to think about a copycat.”

  She smiled again. She knew the whole thing was weak, but she had weaved in a lot of speculation, hoping that all the dots would connect.

  He threw down the file on his desk. “Look. Here’s the deal, Abby. I need to cut some jobs in every department. It was either you or James. I just sent James on his way, so you’re keeping your job.”

  She sat up a little taller and felt a big shit-eating grin trying to break through. “Thank you, Bob,” she had said quietly, trying to calm the excitement brewing in her gut.

  “You’re welcome, Abby.” He tapped the folder in front of him.
“This piece is pretty weak. A lot of guessing, and the facts are tied together pretty thinly. But . . . I think you fit in better with our team.”

  She couldn’t hide the shit-eating grin any longer. She had a job, even if it was a job she wasn’t very excited about. She could continue to feed Neptune, not to mention herself, and keep a roof over both their heads.

  “I appreciate it, Bob,” she said.

  He smiled and nodded. “Now get out of here.” She stood, and she noticed him take a gander at her legs as she stood up.

  Feminism be damned, she was glad she had worn a skirt.

  Her thoughts returned to the present, to the stupid Mayor’s Ball she needed to attend. The gown she had gotten at a consignment shop was a silk red strapless number. It wasn’t formfitting, but it grazed over her curves. She paired it with black onyx jewelry and black heels. She piled her hair on top of her head and let a few wisps hang around her face. She had never been good at the whole makeup thing, so she just brushed a little blush on her cheekbones and dabbed on some mascara. She figured if she went any further and tried to do anymore, she would end up looking like a member of the band Kiss.

  She heard the honk outside summoning her. She stepped out, locked her door, and went down the walkway toward the cab that would take her to the ball. She figured she would need a few drinks to get herself through the evening and loosen herself up, so she decided not to drive. She also hoped she didn’t do or say anything stupid, but at this point, she really didn’t care.

  The driver let out a low whistle as she got in. “Don’t you look like a princess,” he said, eyeing her in the rearview mirror. “Where would you like this chariot to take you?”

  The ball was being held at the Atlanta Casino on Virginia Street. He nodded, made a note in his book, and they were off.

  As she looked out into the late afternoon light, she wondered why the ball was starting so early. But she figured if it was good enough for the Hollywood A-listers to start the Grammys in the afternoon, then it was good enough for the mayor of Reno and all the guests.

  The doors opened at four, and she planned to be out of there by five thirty. She figured putting in an hour and a half was enough time.

  The cab pulled up to the casino, and a doorman opened the door for her. She followed the signs indicating the way to the ball.

  She checked in at a table just outside the huge ballroom and noticed a lot of people staring at her. Some of the women were whispering behind their drink glasses. She ignored it all and went into the ball. She stopped and looked around to see if she knew anyone, and she felt more eyes on her. A couple of women looked at her and turned to laugh. She looked down at her dress. No wardrobe malfunctions. Everything was where it was supposed to be. She felt her insecurity take grip of her heart and a near panic set in. She looked up again and realized that everything and everyone, from the tablecloths to the balloons, were black and white. She had to be standing in front of two hundred people, most of their eyes on her.

  She felt her cheeks turn the color of her dress, and she wished the floor would swallow her up, or a group of terrorists would crash the party. If they had, she would have volunteered to be their hostage, as long as they got her out of that ballroom. Another epic social fail for Abby.

  No one had told her it was a black-and-white ball.

  And there she stood in a blood-red dress.

  Chapter 19

  Noah pulled at his collar feeling like someone had tied a noose around his neck and had no qualms about tightening it. He hated ties, but he hated tuxedos even more.

  Hudson drove the Escalade to the curb in front of the Atlanta Casino, and a valet attendant appeared out of nowhere. Hudson handed him the keys and made his way into the hotel, Noah right next to him.

  “I hate these fucking things,” Noah said under his breath, pulling on his collar again, not sure what he hated more—the function or the clothing it required.

  “I know,” Hudson said in a quiet voice. “But it’s important for you to be here. We have to stay in the good graces of the chief of police and the detectives. There will also be cops and the higher-up pencil pushers from all over northern Nevada. So quit pulling on your fucking shirt, make sure your fly is closed, and we’ll go in and be social for a couple of hours.”

  Noah quit grousing and watched as Hudson signed them in. He knew the male was right. Noah could count the amount of hours he spent in his penguin suit per year on two hands. And it was important for them to be here. Their work was too important to miss a chance to socialize with the very people who provided them with the information they desperately needed.

  It wasn’t just the tuxedo that had him on the south side of a bad mood. He had been cranky and irritable since the last time he hung up the phone with Abby, and he knew it. Never one for a high patience level, his tolerance for everything and everyone around him had hovered at zero. And that was on a good day. None of the Warriors wanted to spend any time with him anymore, and he was pretty much an outcast in his own home. He worked alone, ate alone, and felt sorry for himself . . .alone.

  Not a day had gone by where he hadn’t thought of Abby, and he found himself hating his life and the reflection in the mirror a little more each day. He was having a hard time leaving his own pity party.

  These were his thoughts as he went through the doors and got hit so hard he actually backed up a step. Someone had to be leaving in a hurry to be able to move a mountain like him.

  He looked down at who had run into him. He felt his breath catch in his throat as he came face to face with Abby. His first thought was that she was the most beautiful thing he had seen in all his days.

  Ever.

  Period.

  Then he noticed tears shimmered in her eyes, ready to drop to her cheeks. They looked like stars gleaming as they waited to fall.

  He reached for her shoulders to steady her. “Abby?”

  Her eyes met his, and a look of absolute defeat came over her face. “This really can’t get any worse, can it,” she said under her breath. It wasn’t a question, but a statement of fact.

  “Abby, what’s wrong?” He looked behind her to see what had her running out the door like the place was on fire, his protective instincts flaring. He felt his muscles tighten, and his adrenaline began to flow, as he got ready to kill whatever had Abby so upset. However, he didn’t see anything but a bunch of people dressed in black and white milling around.

  Then he noticed her red gown.

  He guessed she was embarrassed that she arrived at a black-and-white ball in a red gown.

  “Excuse me,” she said through gritted teeth and tried to get around him, which he was having no part of. He heard the tittering of women laughing and looked over Abby’s shoulder. Two women in their fifties, who had obviously been to the surgeon to try to look like they were in their thirties, were staring at Abby and laughing.

  Noah felt his blood boil. “Hudson,” he said quietly, not taking his eyes off the women, “would you please escort Abby to a quiet corner so she can pull herself together? I have some business to attend to. It won’t take long, and I’ll be right behind you.”

  “Of course,” Hudson said, taking Abby’s elbow. Noah heard the male quietly introducing himself as he led Abby out.

  Noah put a small smile on his puss and approached the two women. They were talking quietly among themselves when they noticed his approach. He watched as they stood up a little straighter, stuck their chests out a little further, and sucked in their guts.

  “Ladies,” he said, looking into their Botoxed faces. He let his eyes graze down until they fell on two sets of breasts so big and so taunt, he bet he could bounce a nickel off the silicone and it would fly at least five feet.

  “Hello,” said the blonde. Her voice indicated that she was ready and willing to do whatever he wanted, husband be damned. “And who are you?”

  He smiled again and met her eyes. In a quiet voice, he said, “I’m the guy who wants to tell you that you can laugh all
you want at that woman in red you just chased out of here, but mark my words, ladies, you will never be, nor were you ever even close to as beautiful as she is. Inside and out. And that is before your surgery,” he allowed his eyes to travel down to the breasts again, “and after.”

  Both women looked at him, dumbfounded. He doubted anyone had ever talked to them that way, and he suddenly hoped he hadn’t just insulted the wife of the chief of police.

  “Have a nice evening,” he said. He then turned to go find Abby and Hudson.

  He found them a few minutes later. Abby was standing against the wall in an empty corridor dabbing her eyes with Hudson’s handkerchief.

  She gave him a sad smile as he approached.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  She nodded and then blushed. “No one told me it was a black-and-white ball,” she said, looking at the floor. “I feel so stupid.”

  Noah looked her over from head to toe. He thought of the two women he had just shared his thoughts with, and they had nothing on Abby in the looks department. He knew that if she had actually stayed in there, men would be begging for her time and attention.

  That red dress grazed over her curves, leaving some to the imagination but letting any poor bastard who set eyes on her wanting to see more. Christ, did he want more. He loved the long grace of her neck, and the black onyx jewelry blazed against her pale skin. The thing he loved the most was that she was totally oblivious to her own beauty and the power she held over any man who set eyes on her. If she could get past her own insecurities, she would be wreaking havoc from one end of the city to the other.

  But that was one thing—out of a list of many—he liked about her. She didn’t realize her beauty, and he also loved watching her blush when she thought she had said something wrong. He loved the way she seemed to choose her words carefully, but at the same time open up herself to him, revealing more of her inner being that he was certain not too many people were privy to. As he stared at her, he thought she was sort of like vanilla ice cream with hardened chocolate sauce over it. She tried so hard to be tough on the outside, but it didn’t take much for him to crack her and experience the wonderment underneath.