Memoirs of a Superior

by Prosser, Lord David

  'The Her' who had seen what I had done was making those funny hiccups again that the Longlegs call laughing ,and she was rocking back and forth. I could not go to help her as I wanted to finish my ham. The tears rolled down her face and 'The Him' started as well. As I said, I don't understand my Longlegs very well , but if they keep stroking me I'll keep them.

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  Education of the Longlegs

  In terms of Superiors I am quite a senior now. So, it's only fair that I try and pass on a little of my wisdom to you youngsters, some of whom could have been mine had the Longlegs in the white fur not spoiled that idea some years ago. Still, that does have it's compensations but it's not a subject for the young.

  I feel sorry for the Longlegs sometimes. They don't seem to be very bright. I suppose my 'The Him ' and 'The Her' aren't too bad but then they've had years of my training now. There are still things I wish I could get them to understand though.

  For instance, I have a routine. It may not be the same one every day but it's a routine nonetheless.

  Getting 'The Him' out from his sleeping place each day is a routine. He doesn't seem to understand it because I don't always do it at the same time. But it's still a routine.

  Getting 'The Her' to go to her sleeping place in the dark time is a routine. That it may still be in the light time seems to confuse her. But it's still a routine.

  Let me explain a little better and tell you what to do.

  To make your 'The Her' or 'The Him' rise from their sleeping place is easy. I call it the run, jump, whoosh.

  When it is time for you to be stroked or just for you to let them know you want food or even just that you're home or need a clearway opening, you must prepare yourself. Then you take a run, jump onto their upper body and listen for the whoosh. That's the sound they make when you land. Some of them are quite difficult to wake even though they whoosh. Then there are follow ups. The cold nose in the ear or on the eye seems to work. In extreme cases you may have to burrow down to their paws and swipe then with your claws. They call it leaving a 'bar-code' but it never fails to get their attention and you can lead them into what you want.

  Getting your Longlegs to go to their sleeping place when you want them their is sometimes difficult too. I call this the stare and walk.

  When you are ready to settle and want one of them to be in their sleeping place for cuddles, this is what to do.

  Walk up to them and sit at their feet staring up at their face. Getting their attention away from the box that flickers or away from other Longlegs isn't always easy but you must persist. Once they feel you eyes they will look down. All you have to say is "Sleeping place" and walk off in that direction. Sometimes they don't understand, even though you may have done this many times before which is why I don't think them very bright. So, you have to keep doing it until they understand, stare and walk, stare and walk.

  Some of them are slow to learn and that is why Great Bastet gave you claws on your paws. ( Hmm, I must remember to do a great Superior poem on that one day, (claw and paw).

  Find a place where their real body shows through those funny furs they use and 'bar-code' them. It invariably gets their attention. Though if I'm honest, I have had my failures and reverted to the quick nip and run instead. That's a time you must make sure you keep well ahead of them.

  So now I hope you understand. It is your job to ensure that you set a routine for your Longlegs that suits you. It doesn't have to be one that happens at the same time but you can teach them to follow your routine by using the methods I describe.

  Your Longlegs are there to serve you and you must show them some affection while you teach them. But they must be taught that we Superiors must come first.

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  Introducing Millie with her Help Column

  Ha, I may not understand all my Longlegs say but some things I do know, and one of those is CATTERY. This is a place where even perfect Superiors like me are taken to sometimes, even when we've done nothing wrong, to be punished.

  When we get there I am always put into a place smaller than under my 'The Hers' sleeping place where I like to rest sometimes when it seems best not to be seen. Anyway, I heard that word again at early light time and I am going to 'rest' again somewhere so I may not have to go. After all it was an accident with the red thing which I will tell you about soon. As for now I must be quick .

  Before this when I wrote wisdom to you there were questions for me which being a kind Superior I answered direct. Now I have some questions again. They are from both Superiors and Longlegs which shows that everyone listens to a venerable sage like me.

  However, this light time I must 'rest' and so I have asked another fine Superior to answer your questions. She understands Longlegs babble better than I can but I bet she doesn't know Cattery yet !

  Allow me to give you 'Dear Millie' and remember she is a Superior and has wisdom. Listen carefully to her.

  Hello, my name is Millie and my Unc...I mean Oscar the Wise has asked me to answer some questions for you while he is away. Let me start right away so I have time to look for the things that rustle in the grass later.

  Dear Oscar, I am The Him of a highly dignified and intelligent Superior named Bruce. I suspect he reads my books when I am lecturing at the University, and there is evidence that he is using my computer, since some of the messages I get are incomprehensible to me, but he looks at them and seems to understand. I never had any objection to his activities, but yesterday, a package arrived in the mail, and when I opened it, it contained quite a few tins of salmon and caviar! I know I did not order it. What am I to do? I am afraid that if I return it Bruce would feel antagonized, but I shudder to think about the bill… please tell me what to do!

  Dear The Him of Superior Bruce,

  This would seem to be a simple problem to ease, firstly it would seem that Bruce has very good taste and must come from very good stock if I may say. Now superiors from this kind of station may feel rather neglected if these tasteful treats are not regularly forthcoming. It may well give you peace of mind to provide them from time to time, obviously only when you are able to hunt them down. You may also attempt to train Bruce's' palate to accept fresh chicken. Even though it may upset Bruce, try tuna instead of salmon from those round containers, this is particularly good as the idea that food from these containers may tempt him to try meat from them, I admit it is a bit of a come down, but it can be quite tasty really (provided it is the good ones).

  If these measures fail your computer must be removed or locked behind a clearway that Bruce cannot open himself. Bruce really is a clever superior and I only wish I had his courage to try that myself. However we must not upset our Longlegs too much they may stop being trainable. Good luck in your endeavors and remember I will be here if you need me,

  Millie

  Dear Oscar: I am The Her of a Superior named Bart. We have been together for a long time, and I try to serve him well, as befits a Superior. Usually he seems to approve of me, particularly when instead of giving him his usual cat food, I cook chicken for him. I serve him the chicken two or three times a week, and he seems to enjoy it, judging from the speed in which it disappears. And yet, every so often he acts very strangely, kicks the dish around the room and then puts one of his catnip toys on it, covering the chicken. Can you explain this behavior?

  Dear The Her of Superior Bart,

  Bart is trying to let you know that occasionally, whilst chicken is well liked, a treat of something different would be appreciated. There are small rustly containers that have small treats in them that he may enjoy, catnip, crunchy things as well as milky tasting ones. Do try these sometimes, not too many though as it would tend to make him rather large and he would not be able to hunt so well.

  Bart has a very nice Longlegs but there is scope for a little more training.

  Millie

  G’day, Mate! I am writing from New Zealand and my name is Matilda. You can call me Matie. I am a very young cat, only
one year old. I admire the way you handle the Long Legs, obviously you keep them under control, and I wish to learn how to do so. My Long Legs are nice, but they don’t seem to understand I need to be loved and stroked around the middle of the dark period. They make bad sounds when I leap on them and start using my claws on their chest. I tried to explain by howling very loudly, but they stuck some things in their ears and just ignored me! What’s a cat to do?

  Dear Matie,

  This is always tricky, the secret is to be as cute as possible while retaining all the dignity possible. Have you tried purring in their ears? maybe even pop your nose in there before they make them inaccessible. A lick on their eyes or end of their nose? Purring is good if you can make it very loud in their ears as they seem to stroke a lot when we do this. If these fail, sneak under the covers and give them a good old scratch with your claws, you may have to run fast but these superiors have to learn a lesson and you must teach them as early on as possible. If they do as you want, when you come back in the light time be as nice as you can to reward your Longlegs.

  Millie

  Dear Oscar, The other day I had a terrible experience. My Longlegs brought another cat into my house! At least, I think it’s a cat, since it makes the right sounds, though they are a bit squeaky. It’s very small and it sucked milk from a bottle that my The Her was holding in her hand. I am not allowed in the room where the invader is staying – the door is locked! What shall I do?

  Dear locked out, It's terrible that you've never been taught about Longlegs kittens. You may have to expect a long time of not being allowed through the clearway where they keep the kitten. You may also find that your Longlegs have less time for you for a while, less feeding, less stroking and far less gratitude and funny hiccup sounds if you sing for them. This is a time to be strong, you have to make sure they don't forget who is the superior here. You must make sure you talk every light start to remind them if your dish is empty. At dark time when they are home you must make sure you occupy the lap of the one not with the kitten and you must always be prepared to roll on your back to show them how cute you are. If they forget to stroke make sure you remind them by sharpening your claws on their sitting places. Rub up against their legs until they realise you are there as well as their kitten. Soon you will be allowed to meet it but you must not curl up an sleep near it's head as they make a lot of noise.

  Millie

  Dear Oscar, Please explain to us how you managed to get your Longlegs to let you send messages out to us. Usually I know that my friends and I are pushed away when they sit to do this themselves. One superior told me you used blackmail. Is this true?

  Dear unknown Superior,

  This is not so easy, you have to exercise a lot of patience, his Longlegs spends a lot of time away through the light time and he has free uninterrupted access so it is easy for him, and yes, being nice to his Longlegs works well on the times they are there. He doesn't have to use blackmail to get what he wants. May i suggest you spend a lot of time rubbing your cheeks on their front paws, purr a lot even show them your tummy if you can trust them. The Longlegs can make some nice noises sometimes.

  Millie

  Dear Oscar, I don't believe you are a superior. I think it's a Longlegs trick to make us believe you are a superior and soon you will be telling us to be kind to them or treat them as equals. Prove who you are !

  GRRRRR CHCHCH PAH PAH, there, no Longlegs can do that can they? I am very offended, I have the most beautiful dark tabby fur and pretty green eyes, alright I may be a bit big boned but I need to be to protect my brother and my Longlegs sometimes. Treat them as equals? PAH! NEVER! It does not hurt to be nice to them sometimes as they provide food, somewhere warm and soft to sleep and keep our coats clean and shiny, come on now they are not as superior as we are, they are slow (due to some disability that makes them use only two long back legs), clumsy (watch your tails superiors), but, they can be quite kind and just need a little encouragement in their training.

  Millie

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  The Saga of the Red Thing and the Prison Camp

  Well, I knew it would be awful and it was.

  The horrible journey after being tricked into the box with bars, all the time 'The Her' making cooing sounds like I'm in for a treat. Well I wasn't.

  We arrived at the place with other Superiors and I could feel their unhappiness before I could hear them. A strange Longlegs who kept turning her mouth up and showing her teeth came to meet us at the door of the chariot and picked my box up. She carried me to a place where there were lots of boxes made of holes where all the other superiors were . As soon as we arrived they set up a song of warning for me but what could I do? I was moved from my box to one made of holes and the clearway was closed. I saw 'The Her' pass over my own bowl and some of my food before she turned on her heel and left. I called out after her, "Don't leave me, it was all an accident, come back."

  Two light turns later and she must have known I was calling as she was here. I knew it was her from the pawsteps and I knew she must have understood it was all an accident, a terrible accident.

  For two light turns I have been here and have been outside this box of holes two times.

  Two times I have tried not to come back in but the strange Longlegs caught me each time. But now 'The Her' is here, putting my dish in a bag and I almost run into the box with bars.

  We are home and I have allowed my Longlegs to stroke and fuss me but I am a little aloof as I have not quite forgiven them yet. But I am home.

  I have looked around and there's no trace of the worm now. Perhaps I'd better explain.

  I am getting old but still energetic and lithe and strong and feel young. Before I was taken away I was jumping about in the place of Longlegs food to see if they'd left anything I might like and could borrow to eat. I jumped from surface to surface, even over the place where the water comes and I catch the drips. In one mighty leap I jumped from a surface onto the red thing on the wall. I was superb ! But, as I landed the red thing moved.

  It fell, I fell. As I landed I ran because the red thing made an awful noise followed by a longer quieter noise*. The quieter noise was a long white worm flying out of the red thing and it was getting bigger and bigger all the time. I tried to pounce on it's head because I'm brave but I just fell straight through it. The worm kept coming and coming, all over the floor of the food place and then out onto the floors where strange grass the Longlegs like lies. It looked very wet but did not taste nice.

  My Longlegs returned as the worm was chasing me and they saw me fly to the sleeping place on 'The Her' and dive beneath it.

  'The Him' called my name loudly and I knew it was not in a way that says treats in store.

  All because of this I was punished and taken away. Still I see 'The Him' coming towards me now with a piece of ham so I might forgive them, maybe.

  *Fire extinguisher.

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  Coming Home Hotfoot

  Some of you may think that all Superiors are territorial. Well, you'd be right but it doesn't mean that we never leave our territory to go elsewhere or object to anyone crossing our territory for the same thing. Of course, I might object to anyone not crossing quickly enough and trying to stay...... but that doesn't usually happen.

  There are not many Superiors where I live but sometimes when I go out hunting I have to cross Ginger's territory. Sometimes to annoy him I might try and increase my own boundaries a bit by spraying a bit here and there in the hopes he won't notice. We have an uneasy truce most of the time but you can't call us friends.

  I did upset him this light time though without intending to.

  It was quite early in the light that I decided to have a prowl around the village as sometimes there are interesting things happening.

  There is a Longlegs there who wears skin like a demented peacock who sometimes comes to my home and I can see 'The Him' is uncomfortable near her. This light there was an interesting smell near her home. I looked a
s I approached and saw what seemed to be a river of black, steaming and running from the clearway of her home to the road.

  It smelled wonderful.

  I confess that I like to know all that goes on around me and decided to follow the river up to the house. I stepped onto the grass and walked alongside the river drinking in this new and wonderful smell. The steam did bother me slightly as it seemed to feel a little warm. I had just reached the top of the river when the clearway opened and the peacock stepped out.

  She doesn't like me and before there was chance for me to meet a pan of water I ran.

  My mistake was to take the quickest route. Straight down the black , steaming river.

  It was hot, and though I have good hard pads on my feet I could feel it. But I'm fast and knew it wouldn't take long for a Superior like me to get to the end. The only problem was I seemed to be slowing down........

  When I reached the bottom I saw why. Some of the river had stayed on my paws and was going hard. It looked like I had put on paws like the Longlegs do but I couldn't take them off like they do.