Memoirs of a Superior

by Prosser, Lord David

  I decided to go home and encountered my next problem. I could no longer walk quietly and surprise the rustling things or the flying things. The hardness on my paws made a noise when I walked. As I crossed Ginger's territory I left behind black pawprints that smelled and he heard me and saw me. Though I could see he was not happy with me he did not want to fight and just hissed. Until he saw my paws and laughed, and laughed.

  I got home and jumped in my clearway as usual. There was a clatter as I landed and 'The Her' looked up. I jumped to the floor and there the pawprints were again. 'The Her' screamed and grabbed me holding me tight. She did not however stroke me as usual but ran with me to he small room where she added more smelling stuff to my paws to remove the black river stuff. It stank, but, It worked. I washed my paws and they tasted awful. I felt better though when 'The Her' picked me up again and hugged me. I could see pawprints I had left on the top skin she wears but she hugged me anyway.

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  Superior 1 - Dog 0, Lesson Learned

  After gently persuading 'The Him' to get out of his sleeping place and open a freeway for me, I decided to walk round the fields by the village. Sometimes there are many rustling things to play with giving me a choice of gifts to take home......if they deserve it.

  Close by there is a large patch the Longlegs call the park where the green is kept short for them to sit on. The warm thing of light was rising well and I decided to bathe in the warmth for a minute. I was just settling down and thinking of dozing when I was horribly disturbed by a bark. The village dogs know better than to disturb me and we have a good truce in place, but this was not a bark I knew. I looked up, and flying towards me was a stranger, not large, but barking in a way that says " cat, fair game.”

  Now, given a moment to ready myself I could have dealt with this situation but I could see the dog was full of joy at the chase and moving fast.

  I moved faster ! So fast in fact that I was up a nearby tree before even I knew it. I hissed down at him and said " Not very quick are we Dog?"

  The dog went berserk. Suddenly there was a shout of " BRUCE!!!!!!!!" And the dog froze.

  A Longlegs I didn't know came running up and attaching a lead to Bruce's collar called "SIT" and then added " You bad boy, you know better than this don't you? That poor cat."

  Bruce couldn't have looked more subdued if he tried and I sauntered down off the tree and entwined myself round the paws of the Longlegs. That earned me a stroke from the him and a soft growl from Bruce that was pulled up short by a yank on the lead.

  It was time to head home. With a final rub against the Longlegs and a satisfied glance at Bruce I walked away very slowly to show him who owned this place.

  Once back through my freeway I found a place on 'The Hers" sleeping place and promptly went to sleep.

  There were some questions again which I have left to Millie to answer for you. This will now be her job.

  Q. Dear Oscar or Millie,

  I am a young Superior living with young Longlegs. When I want something I tell them but all they do is make their funny hiccuping sound and try to mimic my words. They do not give me what I want. They are kind but obviously don't understand me. How can I show them what I want and get them to obey? Love Marmalade.

  A. Dear Marmalade,

  Generally speaking a miaow, a turn and walk towards what it is you want should be enough, however if your Longlegs are really hard to train then a quick swipe, a miaow and speedy exit towards whatever it is you want may be needed. Scratch at their sitting places and run, but miaow at the same time. These Longlegs can take a while to train so keep going and they will get the message at some stage, a friend of mine had to include a quick nip here and there.

  Good luck, stay patient and use all weapons to your advantage, do not forget to reward them when they get the message, they learn quicker that way,

  Millie

  Q. Millie,

  My Longlegs has had a Superior before me. He rescued me from a sad place after my last Longlegs went on a long last journey and I am grateful. But, when he strokes me he is rough and rubs my fur the wrong way, and tries to rub my tummy. I have never allowed this. How can I stop him and make him be more gentle?

  Tiger.

  A, Dear Tiger,

  Hmm this is a delicate matter, when he goes to stroke you you have to cry and run, jump away every time he goes to stroke you, speed is of the essence. You can rub his legs to show you love him but when he goes to stroke you cry and move away. as I say it is all in the timing here. Rub him often so he knows you love him but only allow him the merest or almost stroke and move. If he goes to the tummy roll quickly and threaten with the claws or teeth. I would be reluctant to use teeth or claws here but the timing of moving away should get the message across. You could growl or hiss if you need to to tell him, Longlegs seem to understand these noises very well as a rule. I hope you get your Longlegs trained very quickly, we cannot allow them to take liberties with our good natures.

  Millie

  Q. Dear Millie,

  you seem to be nice but why are you answering letters for Oscar? When Superiors and Longlegs, and even a dog ( ugh) write to him why is he not answering them himself? Are you related to him? Is there a chance for others to answer too as I am an expert hunter of flying and rustling things and could help new Superiors a lot? Are you an expert in everything?

  Toughie of Holywell.

  A. Dear Toughie, thank you for the 'Nice' bit. As for answering for Oscar, he is a very busy superior and he knows that I am friendly and look after other superiors a lot as it is my vocation. Yes we are related I am his niece. As far as answering too, I am sorry Toughie but it needs an experienced paw and a rather delicate thinking pattern, we have to treat Longlegs nicely sometimes and other times with caution, they are kind but a little um well just not as clever as we are. Wrong treatment could lead them to send us away for good. Yes I think I have everything covered but you never know......I will keep you in mind

  Millie

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  Bad Longlegs

  Most of the Superiors in and around the village noticed activity 3 lights ago when the man with the funny French accent packed his chariot and left the village. It was when poor old Tomas nearly lost his life under the chariot wheels when it pulled away.

  What has made us all angry was that this light I heard a cry from the empty place and looking through one of the closed clearways saw two kittens. They told me they were thirsty and hungry. How could someone leave a couple of precious kittens alone like that?

  I raced home after finding no clearways open in the empty cottage and launched myself onto the knee of 'The Him' who was making those funny squiggles on paper in his chair. He stopped.

  I jumped down and started to limp away. He did nothing as he's very slow sometimes.

  I launched myself again at him landing squarely in his lap. His eyes opened wide in surprise and he started to stroke me. Pleasurable as this was it was not what I wanted so I nipped his hand, though gently as I was not angry with him.

  Again I jumped down and started to pretend to limp away. This time he noticed and started to follow, no doubt anxious to see what was the matter and hope to save himself a fee with the white furred ones.

  I edged towards the large clearway and cried. 'The Him ' opened it and I limped away again with him following. With his funny soft paws on his feet he looked and sounded quite silly but this was no time for fun. I limped on until we reached the village and the empty cottage. 'The Him' leaned over to pick me up and see what was wrong and as he did the kittens cried again. "But this place is empty" he said, and putting me down again reached up to look in the clear clearway. He saw the kittens and I saw his mouth open.

  He ran, flip flopping down the street in his soft paws. I told the kittens help was coming and they quieted down a little. It was not too long before a small chariot came racing up and 'The Her' of the foreign man got out and opening the large clearway, dashed in and picked up the
kittens carefully. My 'The Him' arrived with a spare dish which he put water into and a dish of my food. The kittens ate and drank while their 'The Her' fussed them and cried. She was obviously angry that her 'The Him' had abandoned the home with her baby superiors inside.

  Things were soon sorted and she took the kittens into her chariot to her new home away from the man with the accent. Tomas darted out from beneath the chariot as she left. I swear he doesn't have many of his nine lives left and yet he doesn't learn.

  With no sign of a limp now I went home beside 'The Him' and when he sat to start his funny squiggles again I jumped onto his lap to sleep. The least he owed me for my cleverness was a little stroking.

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  The Cat in the Hat

  Even in your own home there are things that can surprise you. They can be unpleasant things, like finding out the Longlegs have taken in a dog, unusual things like finding a bird in the house, but with a beak so big, and words like a Longlegs that it's not easy to challenge them or pleasant ones like finding a new place to explore and take a rest in/on.

  Two of those things happened recently.

  I had been out patrolling my territory and making sure that all was well. No strangers in my area claiming part as their own, no dog-like ones with big bushy tails and strong smell passing by. All seemed OK and no threats to Superiors.

  I went home.

  My clearway was open and even as I entered I could tell something was different. There was a slightly strange smell like the woman with the gaudy fur had been there but was now gone. I went towards the place of Longlegs food where I could hear the other Longlegs who comes here making that strange noise they call singing. Hers sometimes hurt the ears but I needed to see if the strangeness was around her. It was and it wasn't, but when she saw me she stopped singing and passed me a piece of my favourite ham and gave me a quick stroke. I ate it gladly and looked at her longingly in the hopes of another but it wasn't to be.

  I strolled through to the Longlegs sitting place. The smell was a little stronger.

  All was quiet so I knew my Longlegs were out AGAIN ! They often leave me. There was something new about the room and I saw it. A tall stand with s strange box on top under a cover. I jumped onto the long seat and ran along the back until I could see the box more clearly. I could tell the new smell was coming from there. I leaped, one mighty leap and landed. The box rocked as I did. Suddenly I heard a bird squawk and then a Longlegs voice say " Down boy, Down Boy, do as you're told you silly fool" followed by another mighty squawk. Don't repeat this but for a moment I froze. The tone had been like when 'The Her' catches me scratching at her seat or borrowing ham from 'The Him's' plate. I decided to jump down onto the long seat again, leaving the strange box swaying. I looked around but saw no Longlegs. Then the Longlegs from the food place came through. "Tut tut Oscar" she said " been a naughty boy have you?"

  How can I be naughty in my own home? I ask you. Then pulling away the cover she revealed a cage with a bird inside. It's beak was huge but she bravely put her hand forward and stroked it. "Aaaawk" it said " who's a pretty boy. Pretty Polly is."

  A Longlegs voice from a bird? I wondered if that beak had eaten mine but I knew this Longlegs would not be stroking it if that was true.

  I settled down to watch and fell asleep.

  'The Him and The Her' returned with another and I got up to greet them. The new one was saying "Thank you" as she picked up the strange stand and carried the bird away. I shall have to search the village soon and find out where they live.

  The other thing that happened was that I was showing my prowess despite my age and jumping around 'The Him's’ room. He has a tall cupboard with boxes on top but I was sure there was space for me too. I landed there but my grip was a little off and I skidded slightly, hitting one of the larger boxes. The lid fell off. Hmmm, interesting.

  Inside I could see what looked like a nice comfy place to rest so I jumped in. It wasn't as roomy as I first thought but I was able to curl up….just. I was soon asleep.

  Sometime afterwards I heard my name being called. It was 'The Her' and I could smell fish. But I couldn't move, I seemed to be jammed here. I called out. I called out again, trying not to sound anything but brave and interested of course. I tried to move and the box rocked a bit. I tried harder and it began to rock more until it tipped.......right off the top of the large cupboard and fortunately right into the waiting hands of 'The Him'. "What have we here" he asked and called out " Julia, quickly, come see." 'The Her' arrived and the strange hiccuping started. "Ha ha ha."

  He tipped the box slightly and I in my bed slid out onto his sleeping place. He eased his hand in to grasp my stomach, I held back on the urge to nip his hand. As he pulled me clear of my resting place he said " Ta DA ! Here we are folks, the Cat in the Hat." From his hand I looked down to see I had been resting inside the tall thing he wears on his head called a topper. He put me down gently and returned the topper to it's box, replaced the lid and placed it back onto the tall cupboard. I heard him say "That'll teach you not to explore so much" as I followed 'The Her' to the treat she had for me. I thought to myself that exploring was what we superiors do best

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  The Alarm Clock

  I get the feeling I'm not in favour today. Every time 'The Him' looks at me I get a cool feeling running down my back fur. At first I thought I was sitting in a draught but I know better now.

  It started with an accident. As usual when I wanted my clearway open I went to ask.

  I tried 'The Her' but as ever there was no movement from her sleeping place even when I tried the nose in the ear trick I'd been taught as a kitten. She sleeps like the dead.

  So, I went to 'The Him'. He was not laying on his back as usual so I could not visit him by jumping on his chest. So, looking for a better way I jumped up onto the headboard of his sleeping place. It was very narrow but I'm a Superior and that presented no problem...much.

  I must not have been paying attention and when I came across a wire I tripped. The wire was attached to the thing that makes a tick tick noise on a shelf above his head. Or that's where it was until I tripped. It came flying down and hit the side of his head.

  His head started to rise from the sleeping place but unfortunately was soon back flat again as my body hit it.

  I heard a squeal of " What the..." and the head tried to rise again but I hadn't had time to react so when the head came upright I was stuck on the top of it. I had no choice but to hang on and that meant using my claws.

  I heard another squeal which was followed by a shake of the head and a hand reaching up towards me. I couldn't afford to be dislodged so I used on paw to swipe at the hand and tightened my grip with the other three. He froze. This was the opportunity I needed to get off. I jumped down onto his sleeping place and started to wash my paws, after all they now had blood on the tips of my claws which could stain my fur.

  'The Him' flung back his cover , swung his legs out of the sleeping place and ran out. I followed realising he must be going to open my clearway. But no, the silly Longlegs went straight to the room they wash in and stuck his head under the water. Another howl and then hopping from leg to leg ensued. Then he saw me and I really didn't like that look at all . I decided to leave the room. He followed. I moved quickly to my sill where the clearway is and he arrived just as quickly after me. He opened it and was just saying

  "Why you little,,,,” when I jumped out and missed the rest which was no doubt a compliment at my Superior fur or something.

  Now it is later and I am lying on the long seat next to my 'The Her' allowing her to gently stroke me. My 'The Him' is on his long seat and is not looking at me kindly. He looks a little silly with the row of red dots around his forehead and I'm tempted to go and wash them off for him with my tongue and allow him to stroke me for a minute. But, I'm going to resist the temptation as I don't think he deserves such favour with the looks he keeps giving me. Perhaps I'll wait until he's back in his sleeping
place and visit him then.

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  Kidnapped and Sore Pads

  I like to wander. After all this is my domain and I should know what happens here.

  Ginger told me a large chariot had come to the village so I had to check it out didn't I. I even allowed Ginger to come along.

  He was right, it was big. Very Big. I could see Longlegs carrying sitting things and sleeping places from one of the Longlegs homes onto the chariot. I asked Ginger to take a look and see if there was anything to interest us on there but as he moved close the Longlegs returned and he ran off. That's no way for a superior to behave really, we should always stay long enough to see if the Longlegs wish to stroke us, then decide if we'll allow it.

  With him gone I had no choice but to look for myself. After all you never know where there's food though I could smell nothing.

  I entered up the large clearway and saw many things stacked up, and towards the back I found one of the long seating places the Longlegs use. I was just looking at it when the Longlegs returned to bring something else. I thought I might as well watch in comfort and climbed on the long sitting thing. I could see everything and was comfortable......

  So comfortable that I fell asleep. My senses were still working of course.

  Next thing I new I was woken by a thumping sound and saw the last light disappear as the clearway closed. I wasn't too worried as I see quite well in the dark. Then came a horrible smell as the engine turned on and rumbled, followed by movement. I called out but the Longlegs don't have good hearing like us Superiors and no-one came. I settled back on the sitting thing to wait and must have fallen asleep again.

  I was woken a second time by the light as the clearway was opened. I shot out past the Longlegs who was doing it and heard "What the.." as I flew past him. "Hey John. there was a moggy in here."