Memoirs of a Superior
Page 5
Moggy? is that the Longlegs name for all Superiors I wonder?
From my new vantage point behind a nearby hedge I saw the Longlegs start to carry things from the chariot into a new home. It took me a little while to realise I was quite far from home but hat I knew where I was. I wondered if I should climb aboard the chariot again and let them carry me home but I had no way of knowing whether they would and Longlegs just don't understand my speech so I couldn't ask.
Nothing for it but a long walk.
It was a long, long walk and I had to dodge many chariots on the way.
It took me some hours and was getting dark when I finally arrived. My pads were quite sore. I saw Ginger and he asked what had happened. I told him I'd been on an adventure what a shame he'd been too scared to share it with me. Then with a flick of my tail I turned and went home.
I jumped in my clearway and saw 'The Her'. "Oh Oscar" she said, "where have you been? Are you limping my pet?"
"Well of course I'm limping " I told her, " I was kidnapped and only escaped by the skin of my teeth. Or the skin of my pads really." Typically she didn't understand a word I said but she did pick me up for a hug and then seeing my sore pads wiped then down with water and put some nice smelling and soothing cream on them. Then smelling something even nicer...fish.. I went to eat before settling down at my 'The Her’s' side for a well earned rest and stroke.
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The Master Plan
We Superiors don't exactly have a master plan. We know that we're here to be fed and stroked by the Longlegs. We know that our hunting skills must be honed on the feathered ones and the ones that rustle in the grass. Though I have to confess even though it pains me that there are some Superiors who don't do this and even ( shudder) some who can't. But, we don't have a Master Plan because it doesn't seem easy to think beyond the next meal or the next sleep or the next stroke. If those things are in place why bother.
But, I don't want you Longlegs to think that we can't plan just because we don't.
Take for instance food. When my dish is empty I want it filling. Now usually this is no problem as Longlegs are very easy to bring to heel if they're up and about. And if they're not up and about they soon will be.
Recently that's become a problem. 'The Him' has woken up as I've trained him by sitting on his face or offering the cold nose treatment, until about seven light times ago. Since then he's woken as intended, but stroked me as he's gone back to sleep, his arm eventually stopping mid stroke and falling off. It's even woken me up as I've dozed under the stroking, distracted from my food. It couldn't go on like this.
During the light time three days ago I was ill. It may as has been suggested , have been my own fault for rushing my food, or the food may not have agreed with me. However, I was ill. As always, just before the stage of giving back the food I howled. It's a sound I always make and always has the Longlegs running to me to see if they can eject me via the clearway before I eject my food. Sometimes it's a tight race and I leave my gift on the floor covering before they quite reach me. But it gave me an idea.
Since being ill, I now use the illness cry when I want food and 'The Him' is sleeping. It's no use mentioning doing it for 'The Her' as nothing will wake her until she's ready. But him, well you should see his legs move now. I howl, he runs. Of course I stop the minute he reaches me and just indicate that my dish is empty. It works a treat even if I don't always get a stroke now.
So maybe there is no Master Plan, but don't underestimate our superior ability to plan your training. And if one day you decide not to come running? Well, when that happens I'll be sure to leave a gift on the floor for you to find. That should give you a little incentive.
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Millie’s Problem Page
People are still writing to me with questions. As usual, I have asked Millie to answer these while I concentrate on more important things like training my Longlegs.
See you soon !
Oscar
Dear Oscar, I am a Longlegs from Australia. I found your segment about the Master Plan extremely interesting since it has to do with language, feline and human. I have read that cats don’t vocalize so much to other cats, but have a huge vocabulary that they use for humans. Is this true? In other words, you seem to use the illness cry, the morning cry, and probably a food cry for your long legs. But do you do the same when you converse with Ginger?
Dear Longlegs from Australia,
It is unusual for us Superiors to use vocalization as it gives our positions away to predators and prey alike, but we read body language very well indeed. If there is danger and we are not in sight of each other and need to communicate the danger to others, then we vocalise. Oscar does not vocalise to Ginger as there would be no point or necessity really unless he was out of sight and/or in huge trouble. I hope this helps, regards,
Millie
Dear Oscar, I am a regular reader (a cat from Arkansas, U.S.) and I would like to help you with something. You have made it clear a couple of times that your The Her does not wake up easily when you cry. I would like to suggest that you learn to imitate the natural cry of a human baby. If your The Her ever had a baby, she never gets over the imprint of the sound of the crying, and if you succeed, she will wake up every time you do it. I imagine that you are using the Internet, like most cats these days? You can easily Google for a baby cry with one flip of a tail. Good luck!
Dear Superior from Arkansas,
This The her has been subjected to every noise within the capabilities of superior Oscar. He assures me, over 15 years, there is no noise he has not tried. He cannot wake this Longlegs, he has tried scratching gently with claws even and found himself flying through the air as she turned over very violently. It is so much easier to wake The Him and lets face it we are superior because the easy option is always the best and we take it.
Millie
Dear Oscar or Millie. I need some help. My Longlegs works away sometimes and just leaves me a big meal in a dish though she is away a light time, a dark time and a light time. The meal goes stale very quickly and isn't nice. As I leave some she gives me smaller meals thinking I don't need much. Also my toilet tray is not nice to use without being changed in that time. What can I do?
Dear Superior,
This is terrible, have you tried eating a little of the stale food when your Longlegs comes home and promptly return it? Preferably on their shoes or directly in front of them. As for the litter tray I would leave presents elsewhere or at least do something just outside your tray when they come home. They may just get the message but if not I would voice my disgust and distress while the Longlegs is away and try to draw attention to your plight from outside. I do hope this does not continue, regards,
Millie
Dear Oscar,
I would like to ask Millie a question. Why do you think you can give advice about being nice to other Superiors when you always fight with me. Your brother Maddison.
Dear Maddison,
Ha you little terror, because you start it! You pretend to give me a love and then box me. Just tell everyone who it is who fights other Superiors for you when they dare try to be bossy with you, you cheeky little monkey.
Your sister Millie
Oscar.
why do you keep calling yourselves Superiors when clearly you are just cuddly pets? We humans must be superior really as we have an opposed thumb and can open jars, tins and can cook. We own you. We can change the way we dress to suit changes in weather. Isn't it time you stopped fooling yourself?
David
Dear David,
Oh dear oh dear, here we have a very deluded Longlegs, who really does not know Superiors at all. We can catch our own food, it is fresh as well, however if you are willing to provide then who are we to argue? We choose NOT to leave you, you obviously cannot catch your own fresh food, which is why we bring you presents. Our coats change with the weather anyway, they moult and become less bulky in the hot sunshine, please tell me though
why on earth would we want to change into silly colours that would glare and dazzle our prey? We need fresh food sometimes. Really no wonder you need to open tins and packets you would be totally hopeless at catching your own food. Maybe you may begin to understand that as lethal predators we are definitely not just cuddly pets, we do thank you by being kind and providing for us though, which is why we rub you, purr and sometimes enjoy cuddling up.
Regards,
Millie
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Paws for Thought
A funny time recently. I wonder how Longlegs can manage to forget that I always repay....whether good or bad, done to me. And as a Superior, I can make that payment count. Ask 'The Him' I'm sure he'll tell you.
At the last full light 'The Her' put out some large black bags from the house. They smelled very interesting and when she left I thought it would be interesting to investigate. After all, nothing should leave without me knowing about it.
I walked round the bags a few times to check they were safe. I was just about to test the outer with my claws when there was a loud noise. A really large chariot was bearing down on me so I hid. It seemed sensible to hide under the nearest thing which turned out to be the black bags so I burrowed underneath. Accidentally I used my claws to squeeze past a tight bit.
I heard the chariot stop and then a heavy roar as it stood rumbling nearby.
All of a sudden the bags rose up and I saw a large Longlegs next to me. Before I could run the bag where I'd squeezed past with my claws opened and rained terrible things on me. Dirt and more dirt. I ran and heard the roar of the Longlegs. I saw him picking up all the dirt and throwing it on the chariot from where I was hiding. He did not seem happy, but then neither was I as he's spoiled my exploration and scared, hrumph, disturbed me when he moved my hiding place. It was time to think of payment.
He threw the bags on the back of the chariot, climbed in and it started to move away slowly with another roar. I cut across the grass to the gate which was open , jumped on the top bar which always made the gate shut, and jumped off again. I was snug in my hiding place in the bushes when the chariot appeared just as the gate was shutting. It had to stop again, a Longlegs jumped out to open the gate and had to stay there while the chariot passed through. Once on the other side it stopped so the Longlegs who now closed the gate could jump in. As the man got on I heard him say, " But I left the gate open Honestly, and you saw it shut on it's own." There will always be a payment.
When my Longlegs returned today I went to say hello and curled around their legs. As usual they didn't show much gratitude. Then 'The Her' leaned down to stroke me, Ah, my due, I thought until I smelled DOG. She had touched a DOG. I moved away. I thought to give 'The Him' a chance until his hand also came close, and there it was again, DOG! What's going on? I am refusing to let them stroke me now until the smell is gone. How dare they touch a Superior smelling like that. They will pay the price by not being able to stroke me and I know they'll suffer. I do hope they're not getting a DOG. Maybe I'll just stroll over and let them know I love them, after all they've been home half an hour and suffered long enough.
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Camera Shy Cat
The Longlegs have been funny this light. Every time I sat down one of them was there with the box that makes pictures. I had to lick my paw so many times to wash behind my ears and look my usual fantastic self that I almost made myself sore.
If I wasn't sitting down there they were trying to coax me. I was very suspicious of them until I realised why they wanted me. And as they used cat treats to tempt me I couldn't give in too easily.
I have no idea why they are doing this except I do know that their kitten does like new pictures of me sometimes.
Of course you will realise I am quite used to this as everyone knows I'm a star round here, not always for the right reasons I know but everyone knows me. As Superiors go I'm, well, Superior I suppose.
After all the fussing had died down and I'd allowed 'The Her' to brush me, which I love, I took a walk to the village. Ginger and my other cronies all asked why I was so pleased with myself and I told them, “The light is shining, what other reason could there be?” They didn't seem to accept that until I clipped on or two round the ear to let the truth sink in. More of our friends joined us on the walk and the Longlegs were beginning to notice and point at us. Of course I knew it was because they knew me that they pointed at the ten or so of us. As we walked tails erect past field where the woolly things had their kittens everything felt right until I notices that a dog was chasing one of the woolly things and it's friends we're ignoring it's cries for help.
I split our group into two and sent those under Ginger round to one side while I took the other until we met in circle surrounding the dog. We didn't know him and much worse was he didn't know us and might have attacked had he not noticed our numbers. We moved a little forward and he tried to back up until he realised that just brought him closer to those at the back. I stood and faced him and suggested he left. He was not really cowed but I could see he was puzzled. Then Blackie, one of our less sensible members moved over and swiped the dog on the nose, turned and walked back to join the ring. The dog was stunned but I could sense had Blackie not moved back the dog would have attacked. At a gesture we all stood and moved a little closer. This was too much for the dog who must have heard stories about how Superiors ran from dogs. True, but only when we need exercise or a laugh. He jumped over me and ran off.
The woolly one was fine and moved to join it's kin and we turned to go. There was a burst of noise from a group of Longlegs who'd followed us as they clapped their hands. We ran, expecting the blame for something.
Now I am safely back at home enjoying a few more treats as I share this with you.
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Managing My Longlegs
I was asleep on 'The Hers' sleeping place but couldn't rouse her to stroke me. This of course is not acceptable as when I want a stroke I should have one. Solution? Easy. I ventured through to where 'The Him' was lying and having found that he had moved his covers in the dark time I crept inside. I started at the feet and slowly worked my way up his body until my nose was level with his, my body lay on his neck and chest and I could swing my tail across his stomach. Once there I nudged his nose with my head.
It may be that my nudge was a little harder than intended or that my head is a little harder than I thought as 'The Him' woke suddenly, eyes opened with water coming from them and a screech of what I think may have been pain. I gave him a look to say
"Stop being a kitten" and jumped away from his sleeping place. I then told him to follow me. He obviously understood because after a few moments he did, a little faster than I anticipated and I found myself running.
I led him to the sitting place and stood waiting until he actually sat then jumped up onto his lap. He hugged me, it was a little tight but I forgave him. I walked back and forth across his knees to give him chance to stroke every part of my back and pressed my head against his hands to remind him to rub my ears. Luckily he was ready to obey. Then he fell asleep stroking me. Disgusting, but at least he's tried so again, generous Superior that I am, I forgave him. Before he had chance to wake I removed myself and went to snuggle in the warmth of his sleeping place where he had lain.
As the light came he returned but finding me there he uttered a gasp and left again. I think he was unaware that I knew he had arrived whereas I just didn't bother to lift my head.
When I was rested I ate then decided to walk through the village. The sun was warm on my back and I curled up under a tree to sleep for a while. I was in the open of the village green so everyone could admire me, as they should.
Suddenly I couldn't move, I was pinned down. The sun had gone and a deluge had started so hard that I was unable to move to shelter. It came and it came and it came.
I was soaked through my fur to my skin and there were no Longlegs to help me let alone admire me. As it eased a little I was able to move a
nd rise from the ground. Because I was bedraggled I did not want to be seen and ran home jumping through the open clearway left for me.
As I entered who should be there but 'The Him'. He saw me, and I expected the towel treatment where I was rubbed until dry. What I got was a smirk as he walked away.
Solution? Easy. 'The Her' did nor resist long as I climbed under her covers to dry myself in the warm. You understand now why we are Superior.
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Lesson and a Stroll
As the light was rising so was the warmth. It was comfortable on 'The Her’s' sleeping place but far better to be out and about. The small clearway was open in her room but that would mean a long walk round the building. Far better to start by going out of the large clearway at the front.
I moved to sit by it. No-one was around. I called out but got no response. I called again a little louder but no-one came. This is not how it's supposed to work at all, that's why I chose these Longlegs. I cannot be blamed for taking the drastic action I took next as I was being ignored.
'The Him' was on his sleeping place, lying on his back and making that stupid grunting noise he seems to make. How unfair that I had to disturb myself to get up and walk this far only to find he would rather sleep than open my clearway. I took action.