Who R U Really?

by Margo Kelly

  “The expression on your face,” he said. “Let’s eat.” He pointed to the cafeteria.

  We got our food and found an empty table. Famished, I inhaled my taco. Tim pushed his food around.

  “I was on Skadi yesterday,” he said out of the blue. I stopped eating. He popped a carrot into his mouth and chewed.

  “And . . .” I said.

  “I was curious if you missed it. Missed him. If you’re doing okay.”

  “Did you see him on there?”

  “Yes, and . . . I saw your username on there.” Tim locked eyes with me. “Were you on Skadi talking to Kit?”

  My heart beat faster at the idea. I shook my head but couldn’t form the words.

  “Then why was your character listed in the game?” Tim’s voice cracked at the end of the question. Before I realized what I was doing, I reached across the table and touched his wrist with my fingertips.

  “Is that why you’re acting weird today? It wasn’t me. It was the cops. They said I could never go on Skadi again, and I could never use my old usernames again. They are trying to trap Derek or trick him. I don’t know. But I swear it wasn’t me on Skadi. The police have my computer and my cell phone. I have no way of contacting Derek.”

  “Would you if you could?” he asked.

  I pulled my hand away. “Not sure. But I don’t have the option anyway. Otherwise, I might be tempted, but only because I want to find out his side of the story.”

  “Thea, promise me you will never contact this guy.”

  “I won’t. But if I am making promises, you have to tell me why you’ve been acting so strange lately. Why do you keep touching me? Hanging out with me? Why aren’t you on the wrestling team?”

  Tim opened his mouth to answer, but before he could say anything, Josh, Taylor, and their two cheerleader girlfriends stumbled over to our table laughing uncontrollably.

  “Hey, Thea!” Josh said. “I heard Janie’s in the hospital. Did she choke on a marshmallow or something?”

  “What?” It took most of my strength to not jump up and strangle him.

  Taylor’s expression changed from a giant smirk to somberness. He stepped forward. “Sorry, Thea. We thought you’d know the details. We heard she was taken to the hospital last night in an ambulance.”

  I stood up before he finished the last word, and my heart plummeted. I reached into my pocket for my cell phone, but my pocket was empty. Tim handed me his before I could even ask.

  “Who do I call?” I asked Tim.

  Josh repeated my words, mocking me.

  Without thinking, I dropped Tim’s phone, spun around, and shoved the heel of my hand into Josh’s chin. I was sick and tired of his stupid antics. Enough was enough. Josh stumbled off balance and massaged his jaw.

  “You stupid girl!” He lunged for me, but Tim stepped in and blocked him.

  “Get out of my way!” I yelled. “I don’t need you to save me!”

  Tim clutched my wrist. “Stop,” he said to me.

  “Walk away, Josh,” Taylor said. But Josh tensed with anger. When Tim turned toward him, Josh bumped his chest into Tim’s and started to lift his hands. Tim was faster and shoved Josh.

  Taylor grabbed Josh’s arm. “We’re leaving.” Then he pointed a finger at Tim. “Back off.” Taylor coaxed Josh into walking away with a friendly slap on the back with his left hand and a tug of his shirt with his right hand. Their cheerleaders followed behind.

  Tim waited, motionless, for a few seconds. Adrenaline pumped through my veins, and I wanted another shot at Josh. They had stopped me before I had a chance to finish. Students who had gathered around to watch, broke up, realizing the action was over. A teacher entered the cafeteria, but he’d already missed the fight. Tim turned his attention back to me. His cheeks were flushed.

  “I can fight my own battles,” I said.

  He bent down and picked up the two pieces of his phone from the floor and snapped them back together. “Call Janie,” he said.

  But I couldn’t. I had become so used to speed-dialing her on my phone that I couldn’t remember her number off the top of my head.

  “Call your mom, then,” Tim said, seeing my hesitation.

  I dialed home. With my free hand, I reached up and pulled at a strand of hair. I wrapped it around my index finger and waited for Mom to answer. Tim pulled my hand from my hair and laced his fingers through mine. I didn’t stop him this time. We were locked together in that moment, but the spell was broken when Mom answered the phone.

  “Mom,” I started, but had to pause when my voice cracked. Tim squeezed my hand gently. I glanced at him, and my chin quivered. He reassured me with a small smile. “Mom, Janie’s in the hospital.”

  “What?” she asked, and I repeated myself.

  “Can you find out what’s going on?”

  “Of course, sweetheart.” She was silent for a few seconds and then asked, “Are you all right?”

  “I need to know about Janie,” I said. Tim’s thumb stroked the back of my hand.

  “I’ll find out. Everything will be okay,” she said. Then without missing a beat, she asked, “Whose phone are you using?”

  “Tim’s.”

  “Don’t use it again. If you need to call me, use the school office.”

  “Why?” I couldn’t help but sigh in frustration.

  “Because I almost didn’t answer. No name came up with the number on caller ID. And, I told you not to use cell phones right now.”

  “Fine.” Seriously? My friend is in the hospital and Mom is upset about whose phone I’m using? Before hanging up, Mom asked if I had practice today, and I told her I didn’t make the team.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “Can you ride the bus home?”

  “Yes,” I answered, and we said our goodbyes.

  “Are you riding the bus home?” I asked Tim.

  He stared at me. “Yes,” he said, and I wondered what he wasn’t telling me.

  The bell rang.

  “Are you going to be okay for the rest of the day?” he asked.

  “I’m worried about Janie, but what can I do?”

  Tim released my hand and touched my shoulder. He said nothing. And in that moment, I heard Detective Corbett’s words. “A real friend is someone you associate with on a daily basis. You know where he lives. You know his parents.” Standing in the school cafeteria with students heading out for their classes, I knew I would always remember this moment. I would remember the warmth of his hand on my shoulder, but, I hoped I would forget the sadness in his eyes. What had he given up for me?

  “She’ll be fine,” Tim said. “And so will you.” Before I could respond, the principal walked through the cafeteria.

  “Get to your classes, kids.”

  Tim squeezed my shoulder, and we went our separate directions.

  ■

  As soon as the bus reached our neighborhood, Tim and I bolted for my house. I couldn’t wait a moment longer to hear the news about Janie. Mom and Dad sat waiting in the family room. I dropped my bag and threw my arms around Dad.

  “I’m so glad you’re home!”

  “Me too, honey.” He loosened his grip and motioned for me to sit. That’s when they noticed Tim in the archway.

  “Hello, Tim,” Mom said. “Come on in.” He glanced at me, and I nodded. I knew he wanted to hear the news about Janie as much as I did.

  “Thanks.” Tim sat on the couch opposite from my parents and me.

  “What did you find out about Janie?” I asked.

  “She may be in the hospital for a couple of days. But she’s doing better.”

  “And?”

  “Apparently—” Mom covered her mouth and tears ran down her cheeks.

  Dad continued for her. “She had a heart attack.”

  “What?”

  “A complication of anorexia,” Dad said. “Her mom will check her into a recovery program when she’s released from the hospital.” Dad put his hand on my forearm. “Did you know she had anorexia?” I couldn’t
respond fast enough; Mom spoke up first. “Janie’s mom said you never told her anything about an eating disorder.” Mom wiped tears from her cheeks.

  “I wanted to,” I whispered. Were they trying to say this was my fault for knowing and failing to speak up? Maybe it was.

  “It isn’t your fault, Thea,” Tim said. “We all saw how skinny she was. We tried to tell her to eat more.”

  I rose and started to leave the room.

  Mom gripped my elbow. “Where are you going?”

  I yanked back. I was tired of being touched today. I wanted to be alone but Mom blocked my path.

  “You can’t ignore this,” Mom said. “Your friend needs you, and you lied about helping her. You need to accept what’s happening around you and stop burying everything.”

  “Tim, you should go,” Dad said. Tim moved to the entryway but glanced at me before walking out. Mom grabbed my arm again, and I didn’t jerk it away this time. I did my best to comply and conform to what she wanted.

  “Sit down.”

  I sank on the couch opposite of my parents.

  “Is there something going on between you and Tim?” Mom asked.

  “We’re friends. That’s all.”

  “Thea, you’ve lied to us . . .” Mom started and stopped. I gave in and looked at both of my parents. Dad put his hand on Mom’s knee and encouraged her to continue. She turned her attention back to me, but she started crying again.

  “What’s the deal with Derek?” Dad asked abruptly.

  “He needed a friend.”

  Dad ran his fingers through his thinning hair.

  “I tried to help him. He would’ve committed suicide if I hadn’t been there for him.”

  “Really?” Dad huffed.

  “Yes.”

  “Well, maybe he still will. Then there’d be one less predator in the world.”

  “That’s horrible!” I said.

  “Thea, you’re smarter than this.” He turned to Mom and asked, “When is her first counseling appointment?”

  “Monday.”

  “I don’t need counseling. I’m fine. Can we just go visit Janie?”

  Mom wiped her eyes. “She can’t have any visitors until tomorrow. But Thea . . . Janie’s mom doesn’t want you there.”

  My throat tightened. “Why?”

  “She said Janie stopped eating to impress boys, and she blames that on you.”

  “That’s not true. I did not cause this.” I needed to escape. I ran out of the family room, down the hall to my bedroom, and slammed the door. This couldn’t be happening. My best friend had a heart attack and could be dying . . . and her mom won’t let me see her? How does that make sense? I needed to be there for her. She needed to know I cared. But I didn’t know how to make it happen.

  CHAPTER 25

  The next morning, the mere idea of getting out of bed overwhelmed me. Mom shuffled down the hall, and I scooted up in bed. She turned on the overhead light and then handed me another Christmas gift, but I was too surprised to reach out and take it from her.

  “It’s not Christmas yet,” I said.

  She set the present in my lap. “Open it.”

  I removed the green striped paper and revealed a brand new Quote of the Day calendar. I lifted it out of the box, and the top page said From Mom & Dad, we love you.

  “I thought you could use it early,” she said.

  I reached out and wrapped my arms around her. “Thanks, Mom.”

  “You’re welcome,” she said and walked away.

  I removed the top page and set it on my nightstand. The first quote read:

  Rare as is true love, true friendship is rarer.—Jean de La Fontaine

  I traced the edge of the calendar. I needed Janie to be okay. I peeled off the page, but I couldn’t bring myself to crumple it and throw it away. Instead, I sank to the floor near my trash can and let the paper float inside. My chest rose, and I read the next quote.

  Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.—Mark Twain

  Seriously? Was the universe against me today? I removed the page and set it in the trash can on top of the previous one. I held the calendar closer and read the new quote:

  Truth, like a torch, the more it’s shook it shines.—William Hamilton

  Better. This could even be the first quote to write into a new notebook. Maybe. I wasn’t sure I was ready to start fresh yet. I tucked the page into the pocket of my backpack.

  When I set the new calendar on my nightstand next to the Positive Daily Affirmations calendar, I noticed the wall by my bed was bare . . . except for a small piece of tape that held a torn edge of paper. I lifted my hand to the spot where I had previously posted my August 10th quote, which I knew from memory:

  Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, only with what you are expecting to give, which is everything.—Katharine Hepburn

  A chill ran through me. I was no longer willing to give everything for Derek. I pulled the mattress away from the wall to see if the page had somehow fallen down, but there was nothing. I searched my memory. Was the quote on the wall last night when I went to bed? What about yesterday before school? And why did it appear to have been ripped from the wall, with the tape still there? Could someone have taken it?

  My heart hammered inside my chest.

  “Mom!”

  I scanned the room. Was anything else missing? Uncertain at first, I noticed my jacket hanging on the back of my chair—and my favorite fuzzy pink scarf was gone. My mind raced a million miles per second. I always hung my scarf on top of my coat. I always kept them together. This was not my imagination playing tricks on me.

  “Mom!” I yelled again. But no response.

  “Dad!” I screamed even louder. Nothing. No one.

  Where were they?

  I reached out and lifted my jacket, praying that my scarf was tucked underneath. Right then, the house’s heater kicked on, and warm air blew from the floor vent. Every hair stood up on my body, and I caught a whiff of a familiar odor . . . but it was faint and disappearing. I couldn’t recall where I’d smelled it before. My heart froze. I couldn’t take another breath.

  My jacket slipped from my fingers and fell to the floor. No scarf. No quote. Panic swelled inside of me. I imagined Derek in my room, touching my scarf, holding it up to his face, lingering there, and breathing in my fragrance.

  A bead of sweat rolled down my forehead. What if I wasn’t alone? What if Derek was somewhere inside the house? What if he took the scarf and the quote? Our quote. My breaths jump-started and then came faster and faster. I seemed unable to control myself.

  A door slammed.

  I shrieked and sank to the floor. What was I supposed to do?

  “Mom!” I yelled once more, but not as loud this time. What was the point?

  But . . . she came . . . and I stared in disbelief when she stepped through my doorway.

  “What is it?” she asked.

  “Where were you?” My throat tightened with each word.

  “Taking the trash out.” Mom’s forehead wrinkled, and she knelt next to me. “What’s happened?”

  “I needed you . . . but you didn’t come.”

  “I’m here now, baby-girl.” She caressed my hair. “What’s wrong?”

  I leaned into Mom’s arms and asked, “Did you take my August 10th quote off the wall?”

  “No.”

  “Did you take my scarf?”

  “No.” Her back stiffened, and she, too, scanned the room. “Are they missing?” While she said the words, she got up and moved to my window, touched the lock, and peered outside. Her face paled. “Did you leave your scarf at school? Or in the laundry?”

  I shook my head.

  She came back and wrapped her arms around me. “Everything will be all right. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation. The police are involved. Derek is probably still in Georgia. Our minds are just playing tricks on us.”

  I pulled back from her. “Then where’s my stuf
f?”

  “I don’t know.” We both looked at my nightstand.

  “Should I drive you to school today?” she asked.

  “Yes,” I said, but then thought about it longer. “No . . . a lot of people will be riding the bus.” The idea of getting there alone petrified me, but I knew Tim would be waiting. I could just walk really fast to the bus stop and be fine.

  ■

  After a hot shower and a quick breakfast, I settled my nerves and headed out of the house. I paused at the sidewalk and studied my surroundings. No one jumped out from behind any bushes. No lurkers hung down at the end of the street. I figured if I paid attention, I couldn’t be taken by surprise. But as I walked, my mind wandered, and I focused on Janie and how I could possibly see her or talk to her again.

  I heard footsteps and looked up to see who was approaching. My shoulders relaxed when I recognized Tim coming down the street. I could identify him a mile away with his height and plaid winter bomber hat.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  “Thought you could use a friend this morning.” Tim’s words created puffs of white air in front of his lips, and his cheeks were red from the cold morning. We walked together.

  “Janie’s mom won’t let me visit or talk to her,” I blurted out. Tim asked why, and I filled him in on what Mom said the night before.

  “That’s crazy,” he said. “You’ve always been the one to stand up for Janie. Remember last winter when Josh and I were about to ask you two to the Winter Solstice dance and Josh screwed it all up by calling Janie a marshmallow?”

  I stopped midstep. “You mean you were going to ask us?”

  Tim spun around and came back to me. “Of course. I thought you knew that?”

  “Well . . . I guess we assumed . . . but then Josh was such a jerk and I . . . well, I got so mad—”

  “Do you think things would’ve been different for Janie if we’d just asked you two to the dance?”

  “Different for Janie?” Dang. I stumbled over the words, and my throat closed in. My heart pounded in my chest. I bent forward trying to calm down.

  “Are you okay?” Tim asked and moved closer. I felt his hand on my back. Different for Janie. Did this all start with the marshmallow comment? Different for Janie. I couldn’t get the words out of my head. What about different for me? Everything would’ve been different for both Janie and me if Tim and Josh had just asked us to the dance that morning. I could’ve spent the last year getting to know Tim better, not Derek. I would’ve never been introduced to Skadi if I’d been going to the dances with Tim. I wouldn’t need to be worrying about Derek lurking in the bushes, or worrying about seeing a stupid counselor, or worrying about Janie dying. All over a stupid marshmallow comment. I caught my breath and straightened. My cheeks heated with fury, and I started speed walking toward the bus stop.