Lost Without You

by Heather Thurmeier

  She looked down at her hands and fiddled with the label on her water bottle. When she glanced up at him again, she appeared a little sad.

  “I don’t like being in the dark about everything all the time. It makes me feel stupid and as surprised as the contestants. I always thought that the other host knew about the challenges ahead of time. I guess I wish I was privy to the information too.”

  He considered what she said. It made sense and he felt bad for keeping her in the dark. “I’m making the final notes on this week’s challenge schedule later today. Why don’t you stop by my tent tomorrow and I’ll fill you in on what’s coming up?”

  “Sounds good. What time?”

  He smiled. “How about seven? That should give me more than enough time to solidify things and take care of all the regular business around camp. Maybe we can even have dinner together again. What do you say?”

  “I’ll be there, but this time dinner is on me.” She stood from the table and squeezed his shoulder as she walked past.

  Chip glanced over his shoulder, admiring the view as she walked out of the kitchen tent. Seemed like things were back on track with Zoe and tomorrow night couldn’t get here soon enough.

  • • •

  Zoe heard a scratching at her tent flap. It might have taken two weeks, but the noise no longer startled her. Now she knew it was a production person popping by to say hello or to ask her a question. And with no real door on a tent to knock on, scratching the thin material was the next best thing.

  “Coming,” she said, not even needing to raise her voice to be heard. She quickly checked her makeup and unzipped the flap. “Hey — ”

  Her voice caught in her throat as a hand clamped across her mouth and a body pushed its way into her tent, forcing her backward. Alex glared at her. Fear and guilt swelled inside of her as she stared into the face of her past.

  “I’m going to take my hand away from your mouth and you’re going to stay quiet. I’m only here to talk, not to hurt you. I didn’t want you to give me away when you found me on your doorstep. We good?”

  She nodded.

  He dropped his hand and she quickly stepped away from him. She couldn’t go far in the little tent, but anywhere was better than right beside him. He turned and peeked out of the tent flap in both directions then zipped it up, enclosing them. She suddenly felt claustrophobic.

  Alex faced her. “It’s been days since we talked and you still haven’t told me what the challenges are, Andrea. I need to know. I can’t go home looking like a fool from this stupid show and that’s exactly how I look after my team’s crap performance in the first two weeks. So you’re supposed to be helping me. And I really thought after our little chat in the woods that you’d see things my way, yet you haven’t come to visit with me. Why is that, Andrea?”

  “Stop calling me that. It’s not my name.” She forced her shoulders back. He might have the upper hand in this situation, but she’d never cowered away from anything as Zoe Oliver and she wasn’t about to start now. Andrea might have been weak, but Zoe was strong. She just had to keep reminding herself of that every time Alex was around.

  “But it used to be your name, didn’t it? Andrea Miles. I was in the same grade as your brother Jack. How is he anyway? I watched him on that show last summer. What was it called? Treasure something.”

  “Treasure Trekkers,” she said. How no one had ever investigated her real relation to Jack Miles after that show, she’d never really understood. But then she hadn’t minded either. Come to think of it, the cameras hadn’t been around much whenever their relationship had been brought up so the information hadn’t actually made it onto the show in any way other than a passing casual comment. She’d been lucky.

  “You were on it too, only I didn’t recognize you. You’re a sneaky one, aren’t you? Changing everything about you. Becoming a new person.”

  “I prefer to think of myself as resourceful.”

  He laughed. “That’s a good one. So how resourceful will you be when I share your little secret with the national viewing audience at the next challenge?”

  “You won’t have to. I’m working on getting you the information.”

  “You are, huh? And when do you plan on telling me because I’m kind of running out of time?”

  “I’m having dinner with Chip tomorrow and he’s supposed to tell me what this week’s challenges are.”

  “Oh, a date. How nice for you. Meanwhile, I’ll be eating rice and beans again with a bunch of guys who smell like gorillas.”

  “I hate to break it to you, but you’re not smelling so great anymore either.”

  He stepped toward her and she instinctively stepped back. “I’d watch my mouth if I were you. You really don’t want to piss me off, Andrea.” He raised his voice when he said her real name.

  Fear spiked through her. The tent walls were so thin. She whisper yelled at him. “Shut up. Stop calling me that. I told you I’d get the information and I will, but it takes time.”

  “I’m sure it takes more than time, doesn’t it? Are you on his menu for dinner too?”

  “Chip’s tent is seriously ten feet away, so unless you want to get kicked out of the game when I scream and they find you in my tent, then you should keep your thoughts about Chip’s and my relationship to yourself and get the hell out of here.”

  “Go ahead. I’ll just sell my story to the tabloids then.”

  She grit her teeth together. “Listen, I’ll give you as much information as I can, but you have to promise me you won’t go blab about me to anyone, here or after the game. Otherwise there’s no point in me playing along with this little blackmail game of yours.”

  Zoe held her breath, fearing what he might decide to do.

  “If you make it so my team wins, then deal.”

  “That’s not fair. I can’t control how well your team performs even if I tell you exactly what each challenge is.”

  “That’s the deal. Take it or leave it.”

  The chances of this deal actually working out in her favor were slim, but she didn’t see any other choice. This was her best option to keep the information about her past safe.

  “Deal,” she said, her shoulders slouching in defeat.

  “Good. Meet me tomorrow night in the clearing where we had the first challenge. I’ll be there until midnight, so you better take care of your boyfriend’s needs quickly. After midnight, I’m gone and the world finds out your story.”

  Alex peeked out of the tent and bolted toward the woods without giving her a chance to negotiate the terms, not like it would help her any. This was a risky deal no matter how she looked at it.

  Sinking to the ground, she put her head in her hands. Now all she could do was pray this deal turned out the way it was supposed to. She wasn’t going to hold her breath.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Zoe stood outside Chip’s tent with her arms full of plastic containers and took a deep, steadying breath. This was it. She had to get the information Alex demanded or it was over for her.

  And somehow she had to manage it without ending up in Chip’s arms.

  Or worse, his bed.

  “Knock, knock,” she called out, hoping she sounded friendly and warm and not so nervous she could throw up from anxiety.

  Chip opened up and stepped to the side, allowing her room to pass by. “That seems like a lot of food for the two of us. Can I take something for you?”

  “I’ll set it down here.” Just like last time, Chip had arranged a blanket on the floor in the middle of his tent for their picnic. She set the food into the middle of the blanket then opened the containers.

  Chip sat opposite her. “This looks delicious.”

  “It’s just sandwiches and salad, nothing fancy like the pasta you made. But I did warn you in advance I can’t cook.”

/>   “You did. I think I’ll survive this. I’m pretty sure you’re not as bad a cook as you fear.”

  She glanced up to find him smiling, that now familiar hint of something more twinkling in his eyes. She instantly flashed back to their night by the waterfall and her pulse quickened. She forced a deep breath into her lungs. She couldn’t go back to that moment again. She needed to say focused on the task at hand, which was finding out about the challenges.

  Besides, being with Chip again would just lead to one of them being hurt and she didn’t want that for either of them. As much as she didn’t want to, she cared for Chip and she didn’t want to be the source of pain in his world. There would be far less pain if she stayed away from him now. For good.

  “Let’s hope we both survive. There wasn’t much in the kitchen tent for me to swipe for dinner. Well, that’s not true. There actually was lots of food but most of it I didn’t think I could cook. So we ended up with avocado chicken salad sandwiches and citrus salad with herb and lime dressing.”

  Chip chuckled and her nervousness rose.

  “What’s so funny? I know it doesn’t look like much but I did the best I could.”

  She put a sandwich on his plate. As she reached for her own sandwich, he grabbed her hand. Startled, she peeked up at him through her lashes.

  “I’m not laughing because you’re funny. I’m laughing because I’m constantly amazed by you. I don’t understand how you can continually doubt yourself when you’re incredible in so many ways.”

  “I’m not incredible.” She tried to pull her hand back but he held on tight. His touch made her feel more things for him than she wanted to — deeper things.

  “You are and I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.” He squeezed her hand then let it go. She pulled it to her chest protectively. “One day maybe I’ll find a way to make you realize that you’re awesome exactly how you are. For now, you should work on taking a compliment. I never realized it was a problem for you to accept one.”

  It wasn’t a problem until you started being the one to offer them. She didn’t understand how he could believe those things about her. How could a guy like Chip think a girl like Zoe was awesome? It didn’t make sense.

  “I’ll work on it, but if you knew the real me and not the person you see on your shows or in the tabloids, I guarantee you wouldn’t think or feel the same way about me.” She dished out the citrus salad.

  Chip groaned after his first bite. The noise was distinctly similar to the sounds of satisfaction he’d made for another reason at the waterfall. “Holy shit, Zoe. This is amazing.”

  “Wow. That’s some colorful language over a little chicken salad.” She laughed, happiness filling her with the thought that Chip enjoyed her meal that much. She liked his sounds of satisfaction more than she should.

  “It’s so good. I could eat this every day. Seriously. I think you may have to amend your thoughts on only being able to make desserts because you can definitely make a mean chicken salad too.”

  “Thank you,” she said, trying to take the compliment and not dispute it. Chip grinned at her.

  “Better,” he said. “So there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

  Her palms instantly grew clammy. Nothing good ever came from that conversation opener. What could he possibly want to know?

  “Oh?”

  “I’ve heard you singing in your tent as I walk by sometimes. Other times I hear you humming in the shower. I know in your original screen test for The One you said you wanted to be a singer but since then I haven’t seen anything about you pursuing it anymore. Why haven’t you done anything with it? I’m sure you could use the fifteen minutes of fame you’ve had with the shows to your benefit.”

  She swallowed her bite of food and took a few sips of water while she decided how to answer the question. Honestly or with her typical “things are coming along” answer? When she looked at him, she didn’t see any hint of malice. He seemed genuinely curious. Chip deserved her honest answer whenever possible and this was one she was willing to give him.

  “I did try after The One ended. And I was laughed out of a bunch of producers’ and record label offices. Seems I have the look, but not the voice.” She shrugged and bit her lower lip to stave off the tears suddenly prickling her eyes. She hadn’t told anyone she’d tried to get a record deal. And thankfully, the producers she’d pitched her work to hadn’t been cruel and sold her failure out to the tabloids.

  A new realization settled into her chest like a lead weight — they hadn’t even thought she was interesting enough to sell her story to the media. How depressing.

  Chip was the first to hear this from her and surprisingly, it was harder to talk about than she realized. It was just another one of those things she’d experienced then pushed to the back of her mind where she wouldn’t have to deal with it.

  “I’m sorry to hear that. From what I’ve heard, you sound pretty great. I think the music business is a hard one to break into. Maybe you could try again in a few years and see what they say then.”

  She shook her head. No way would she put herself through that humiliation again. “No, I’m good with singing because I like it. I’m not sure I’d like living on tour. And after being in the tabloids for your reality shows the last couple of years, I’ve had my fill of the spotlight already. After this show airs and the excitement cools off, I think I’m going to enjoy going back to being a nobody again.”

  “As long as you’re happy, that’s what’s important.”

  Was she happy with her life the way it currently was? Happy was a big word. Maybe she wasn’t fully happy, but she was content. Wasn’t she?

  Before being on the first show, she’d been struggling to make ends meet as a personal shopper for a few high end clients and attempting to start a singing career which would hopefully one day save her from having to be a personal shopper forever. After the shows aired, she’d spent her time and earned money making appearances and doing interviews. It had helped pay some of her bills and had kept her in enough income that she hadn’t had to return to work.

  Once this show was over and the appearances stopped, what would she do? Singing wasn’t an option she wanted to pursue anymore. She couldn’t take that rejection again and she was looking forward to leaving the spotlight for good someday soon.

  So where did that leave her? She had no real employable skills and the one thing she was passionate about had already been shot down. Would she be happy going back to a life that didn’t include these shows or her singing?

  Would she be happy going home alone after getting used to seeing Chip everyday around camp? After learning what it could feel like to be with someone like him?

  “I’m happy,” she answered attempting to add a cheerful tone to her voice. But she couldn’t force a smile to her lips.

  They finished their meal in silence then cleaned up and put away the leftovers. After she was done here with Chip, she’d drop everything back off in the kitchen tent before sneaking out to meet Alex before midnight.

  Chip stood and stretched. “I don’t know about you, but the lack of furniture around here is almost enough to drive me completely crazy. I’ve never been so sick of sitting on the ground before.” He moved to the cot and sat on the end, patting the spot beside him. “You can’t find that any more comfortable than I do. Join me up here. I promise I’ll be good unless you ask me to be bad.”

  Something inside of her squirmed at his insinuation, but she shook off the feeling as she joined him on the bed. She was only here for the information, which they hadn’t spoken about at all yet, and she wasn’t going to let herself get distracted by anything else.

  “Did you manage to finish your planning for the week before I got here? I hope I didn’t interrupt you.”

  “I did. It’s going to be a great week for ratings, but maybe no
t a great week for the last three teams.” He laughed and looked very pleased with himself.

  “You really enjoy tormenting your contestants in the name of ratings, don’t you?” She didn’t want to encourage him, but she couldn’t help smiling in spite of herself. It was way easier to enjoy the twists and turns of the show as the host than as a contestant.

  “I’ll admit it. I do take a little enjoyment from watching them struggle through the challenges. But in my defense, it’s my job to do this and if I didn’t try to do it to the best of my abilities, I’d be out of work just like anyone else. My job is to keep viewers tuning in each week and every single week it gets harder and harder to do that. The contestants should blame the viewers for getting bored with the usual and demanding more drama.”

  “Sure, take the blame off yourself,” she teased. “Meanwhile, you’re here in your tent, plotting. So how did you decide to make the contestants sweat it out this week? What crazy competition do I have the honor of presenting to them tomorrow?”

  “Reward is pretty easy this week actually.”

  “You’re actually going easy on the contestants in week three? I don’t believe you,” she said. Chip never went easy on contestants. Easy didn’t equal good ratings.

  “Reward is a hot, well, lukewarm camping shower like the ones we use as well as towels, soap, toothpaste, and shampoo.”

  “That will be a pretty coveted reward after a couple of weeks of nothing but the icy cold stream. So what do they have to do to get it?”

  “Mud wrestle. The winning team takes all. Easy.”

  She laughed. “Oh, you are cruel. So you make them get filthy but then only one team gets to really clean off with a shower.”

  “Well, when you put it that way it sounds bad. It made perfect sense in my head.”