Lost Without You

by Heather Thurmeier

  Her patience at the situation vaporized. Rick had gone too far this time and obviously wasn’t going to listen to reason. She slid her hands up his chest and pressed against his throat. Trying to push against his chest had been like a mouse trying to move a mountain, but everyone had the need to breathe and right now Rick couldn’t do that with her hands pushing against his neck.

  He stepped back from her and she let go. His eyes were hot with an anger that matched her own. “I told you I wasn’t interested. What the hell is with the men in this God forsaken forest? I’ve had enough of all of you.”

  “What are you talking about? Did Chip hurt you?”

  “Chip is probably the least of my concerns right now. At least he cares about my feelings and tries to watch out for me. I can’t say the same for you, Mr. Kissy Face. And don’t even get me started on Alex and his threats, which is really the last thing I need thrown into this whole mess.”

  Her breath caught in her throat when she realized what she’d said out loud.

  Shit.

  “I, um, I think we’re done here so I’m gonna go.” She turned and managed two steps before Rick grabbed her by the arm and spun her around.

  “What did you say?” he demanded.

  “Chip sticks up for me and you should take a hint and stop kissing me.”

  He shook his head. “Not that part, the other stuff about Alex. Has he threatened you? Why?”

  She sighed and rolled her eyes as if what he said was exaggerated. “Threatened, discussed. Maybe I used the wrong word. Either way it’s none of your business. What is your business is keeping your hands and your lips off of me because I’m not interested in you. Got it?”

  His eyes narrowed and his jaw set into a hard edge. “Looks like I need to have a little discussion with Alex.”

  “Please don’t. Just pretend I never said anything and let it blow over. Okay?”

  Rick slammed his fist into a nearby tree trunk. “Nope. Not a chance. I can’t do that, baby. You think Chip is the only one who will look out for you? Well, you’re wrong.”

  Zoe stood silently as Rick disappeared into the woods the way he’d come then made her way back to base camp. She stopped into the kitchen tent and fixed herself a cup of tea and grabbed a granola bar before going back to her tent. She was balancing everything in one hand to unzip her door with the other when Chip came around the side of her tent.

  She stood and flipped her hair out of her face. “Hey, Chip. Were you looking for me? I stopped to grab a tea on my way back.”

  The thought that maybe he’d been hanging out, waiting for her to get back to her tent tonight, caused a stirring of something warm in her chest. Somehow the idea of coming home to Chip felt strangely welcoming and wonderful, even though she didn’t want it to.

  “Nope. Passing by.” His voice was cool and clipped, the one she’d heard him use with crewmembers who annoyed him.

  Great. So that’s what she’d been reduced to in his mind. At least now she knew.

  A pain unlike anything she’d felt before buried itself in her chest. “Oh, okay then. I’ll head inside.” She bit the inside of her lip trying to keep it together in front of Chip. This was all getting to be too much stress. “I thought you might want to talk.”

  “Not really.” He shrugged. “I mean, what could we possibly have to say to each other when you keep running away from me every time we get close? You’re a pro at sending mixed signals.”

  First Rick said it and now Chip did. Maybe they were right and she should keep to herself for the rest of the show so she couldn’t send any more mixed signals to anyone.

  “I’m sorry.” Zoe was taken aback by his reality check. “I guess I thought you might want to hang out and chat like we did the first couple of weeks here. I guess not.”

  “Hanging out involves two people not running away from each other. So I guess that’s it unless you want to tell me what’s up with you.”

  “I can’t explain it. You wouldn’t understand.”

  Chip sighed. “I think I would, but you’ll never get the chance to find out, will you? You’ll never let me get close enough to try. At least now I understand where I fit in to your world … I don’t.”

  “Chip, it’s not that easy. It’s not so black and white in my world.”

  “It is easy if you let it be, but you never will, will you? Your life is only as complicated as you make it and you’ve done a great job at making your life more complicated than anyone else’s.” Chip sighed, then left her standing alone while he went and joined a group of production people hanging out at one of the fire pits.

  Zoe tried to think of something to say that would make him understand where she was coming from, but nothing seemed right. How could she explain her feelings when they were making less and less sense even to her? Since coming on this show and being with Chip, nothing seemed to be as easy as it had been before.

  Keeping people at a distance used to come naturally to her, but staying away from Chip got harder every day. Keeping her feelings to herself used to be as normal as breathing, but now she felt herself struggling with the notion of telling him her whole story.

  Instead of going after him, she zipped herself into the safety of her tent — away from Chip and the discussion he wanted to have with her.

  Maybe he was right. Maybe her life was only complicated because she’d made it that way. Maybe she could tell him about her past and have him still want a future with her.

  Or maybe he’d get one good look at her scars in the light and hear about how damaged she really was and realize that being with her had no real future. Being with her was a mistake.

  Was she willing to risk that kind of rejection from him?

  Chapter Nineteen

  Zoe felt panic rising in her throat as she paced the clearing waiting for Alex to show up. He was going to flip his shit when he heard what she had to say about the final challenge. This wouldn’t go well.

  Alex stepped into the clearing. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn’t have been intimidating. But these weren’t normal circumstances and he held her fate in his hands. What he chose to do with it after she told him was completely up to him. And judging by the look of annoyance on his face, he wouldn’t be kind or considerate of her feelings.

  “Let’s not waste time with pleasantries. What’s the final challenge?” he asked, folding his arms across his chest.

  Zoe wrung her hands together. He wouldn’t like this answer. “I don’t know. I wasn’t able to find out. The production people aren’t told anything in advance other than specific equipment they need to bring, if any.”

  “That shouldn’t be a problem for you since you’ve been getting into bed with the producer. Surely you were able to sweet talk your way into the information I needed.”

  “I don’t know what you think is going on between Chip and myself, but I wasn’t able … we aren’t speaking. I couldn’t just ask him what the challenge was either. He doesn’t really share that information with anyone. It was a fluke that I was able to get it for you last week.”

  He raked his hands through his hair and looked up at the stars. “Are you seriously telling me you didn’t even try to find out? Seriously? So I guess you don’t care if I tell the world you’re not really Zoe, but Andrea. Ugly Andrea is back. This should be fun.”

  “Don’t call me that.” Zoe’s hands shook. She squeezed them together tighter, hoping to steady them.

  “You left me no choice, Ugly Andrea. This is your fault.” He practically spit the words. “I don’t want to look like a fool tomorrow. I don’t want my team to lose this stupid game so we go home looking like a bunch of chumps instead of champs. If I have to go home looking bad, so do you. It’s that simple.”

  “I said don’t call me that,” she said through gritted teeth. “I’m not Andrea anymore and I�
�m done being threatened by you. Win the show under your own merits or don’t, it’s not my problem anymore. But you keep your mouth shut about my life tomorrow or I’ll find a way to make your life miserable.”

  “Are you actually threatening me now?” He laughed, clearly shocked at her change of heart.

  Well that made two of them. She didn’t know where this new fire came from, but she wasn’t going to let him or anyone else take away everything she’d worked for all these years. No one was going to take away this life she’d created for herself.

  “It’s not a threat. It’s a promise. Leave me alone. I’m done being blackmailed by you.”

  “We’ll see about that. You better find a way to help my team win because if we lose, your secret is out.”

  “Well that’s great. And fair too. My life has to change based on whether or not you suck at the challenge. Thanks.” Zoe stormed out of the clearing not bothering to wait for his response. There wasn’t anything he could say to make her feel better about the situation anyway.

  Tomorrow her entire life could be thrown into chaos and there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it. For the first time since her accident, she felt completely helpless.

  • • •

  “Here’s the incident report from the other day,” Frank said, handing Chip a standard form. He was one of the cameramen assigned to Rick’s team camp.

  “What incident report?” Chip asked around a bite of protein bar. It really was the breakfast of champions. That and coffee. “No one mentioned anything about any incidents recently.”

  “Well it wasn’t really a big deal so I didn’t feel the need to report it verbally. I figured the form would be enough. So there you go.” Frank pulled a bottle of orange juice out of a cooler and chugged half of it.

  Chip scanned the form. It involved Rick and an injury that occurred after the last challenge outside of his camp.

  Description of incident: verbal argument resulting in bodily injury.

  Who the hell was he fighting with and why? Physical violence against anyone at any point in the game was strictly against the rules in his productions. This should have been reported sooner.

  Description of injury: bruised groin.

  Ouch. Poor bastard.

  Persons involved: Rick Morton, Zoe Oliver.

  What the hell?

  “Frank, get over here and explain this.”

  Frank pulled out a chair across from Chip and straddled it, hanging his arms across the back. “I thought it was pretty clear.”

  “What’s not clear is why this wasn’t reported to me earlier.”

  “I didn’t think it was a big deal. He got kneed in the groin and was sore for a couple of hours. Nothing medical could do about it and not bad enough to be removed from the game. Besides, I kinda thought he deserved to suffer for a night. Maybe he’d think twice, you know?”

  “Think twice about what exactly? This form doesn’t spell out what happened to cause his injury.”

  Frank smiled. “Rick messed with the wrong girl is all. That Zoe is a firecracker. Why anyone would want to put the moves on her to begin with is beyond me, but when she refuses and you still insist? Well, I say he got what was coming to him.”

  Chip rubbed his hand across his forehead while he tried to take in this information. “Exactly how hard did he insist with Zoe?” If Rick laid his hands on her, forced her to do anything she didn’t want to do … Holy hell, screw the finale, he’d have Rick taken away in handcuffs. “I need details.”

  Frank shrugged looking unconcerned. “He says he kissed her and then her knee connected with his junk. That’s all I know.”

  “And did you follow up with Zoe to make sure that’s all there was to the story?” Chip couldn’t keep the concern from his voice. Anger at his incompetent cameraman quickly escalated.

  “Not personally, but I radioed to the production assistant here and asked if Zoe seemed okay or not. She said Zoe was her usual Zoe self so we didn’t bother with any further investigation.”

  “Well thanks for really half-assing your job. I’ll be sure to remember this conversation when it’s time for performance reviews.”

  Frank leaned back. “I did what I was supposed to do. It’s not my fault Zoe didn’t report the incident herself. Perhaps it was such a little deal she didn’t feel the need to bother anyone with it. So maybe you shouldn’t get so bent out of shape, boss.”

  Chip sighed. Frank was right. He was getting more upset than the situation called for because it involved Zoe and Rick. “You’re right. I’m just anxious for the finale tomorrow. And I’m ready to get the hell out of these woods. I won’t hold this against you at reviews.”

  Frank stood from the table and patted him on the shoulder. “Glad to hear it, boss. Now go have a beer before you accidentally fire someone.”

  “I might do that.” Chip still had a few beers left in his personal cooler in his tent. Of course, they would be warm by now since he hadn’t had new ice for them in days. But at this point, a warm beer was better than no beer. He needed a little something to take the edge off.

  But first he had a pit stop to make.

  “File this for me, would you?” Chip asked, dropping the incident report at a table of production assistants on his way out of the tent. He really didn’t care if they wanted to or not. He knew they would do it because he told them to. Right now he had more important things to worry about than filing some stupid form. He had to find out from the source if things were okay or not.

  It was still pretty early and since he hadn’t seen Zoe at breakfast, she must still be getting ready for the finale. He stopped outside her tent door. “If you’re in there, open up. We need to talk.”

  He heard scuffling from inside the tent as she came to the door and unzipped it. Her hair was pulled up into a twist in the back and secured with a clip, makeup expertly applied as usual. He stepped into her tent without waiting for an invitation and spun her around in a circle, examining any area of flesh he could see for visible bruises that Rick may have caused.

  When he was satisfied that he couldn’t see anything obvious, he turned her back around to face him. “Did he hurt you?”

  She scrunched her eyebrows together. “Good morning to you too.”

  “Answer me,” Chip demanded, barely keeping calm. Damn it. Why did she have to be so infuriating all the time? Why couldn’t she answer his question so he knew if his day would include filming the finale or filing a police report?

  “I don’t know what you’re referring to, but no one hurt me.”

  “I’m talking about that shithead Rick. I was given an incident report about an injury he sustained at the will of your knee sometime after the last elimination challenge. Imagine my surprise at not having heard about it from you or the production team earlier. So tell me, are you okay or do I need to call the police and have Rick strung up by his balls?”

  “It really is amazing that no one told you sooner with how rationally you’re taking the news now. I can’t imagine why anyone would keep this from you.” She smirked and he suddenly wanted to kiss that smirk right off her face. He’d been so worried she had been truly hurt and here she was laughing at him. “I’m fine. I handled it and I think Rick will finally leave me alone.”

  Chip didn’t actually want to hear the details, but he had to know. “What did he do to you?”

  “Nothing. A kiss. That’s it. I’m fine, really.”

  Rick’s lips had been on hers again. But thank God that’s where it had ended. He couldn’t handle it if Rick had done anything more to Zoe. A kiss was already bad enough.

  “A kiss is not nothing, but I’m glad to hear it wasn’t anything more and that you’re not hurt. If you had been … ” He trailed off.

  “If I had been, then what?” she challenged, crossing her arms. “Last I c
hecked you weren’t too happy with me, not that I blame you.”

  Chip stepped closer to Zoe and cupped her jaw in his hands, his thumb brushing against her lips. They parted with a gasp and he wanted nothing more than to taste her. But he wasn’t going to make the same mistake again. She’d told him she didn’t want him, even though everything about her body language, the way she looked at him, and her instantaneous reaction to his touch told him otherwise. As much as he hated it, he’d try his best to respect her wishes until she finally admitted it to herself that she wanted him as much as he wanted her.

  Didn’t mean he couldn’t still want to kiss her though, and damn it did he ever want to.

  “It doesn’t matter how I feel about you or whether or not you want me in your life. If Rick put his hands on you against your will, I’d break every one of his fingers. And probably his nose. And maybe a couple of ribs.”

  He dipped his head, brushing his lips against hers softly, unable to resist their allure any longer, but he quickly pulled himself back before she could run away again. This time things would end on his terms, not hers.

  Chip hovered over her, peering into her eyes. “You can push me away if you want to, but I’ll never stand by and let someone push you around.”

  She tilted her chin slightly as if asking him for another kiss. He dropped his hands and stepped back out of her tent, taking a deep breath of cool morning air into his lungs. “See you at the finale.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Zoe cringed as Alex took another hard fall at the hands of Rick. Or in this case, the feet of Rick, since he’d been tripped. Alex grunted as he hit then quickly popped back up onto his feet again and took off down the wooden bridge after Rick. When Alex caught up to him, he jabbed him in the ribs causing Rick to lose his balance and stumble forward.

  They’d been going at each other the entire finale and it didn’t look like either of them planned to stop any time soon. It was as if they were purposefully after each other to prove something. This was more than just about winning the finale. This seemed personal.