Rules of the Game

by Neil Strauss

  “As the frame size gets larger and larger, we eventually see that the boy is singing at a huge Nazi rally,” Dilts concludes. “The meaning and feeling conveyed by the image is completely changed by the information coming from the changes in the frame size of the image.”

  So during your interactions with women, imagine that you have a movie camera and can control the frame size. Let’s say that you want a woman to leave the bar and go home with you, but she’s worried about what her friends will think. Her frame is the equivalent of a group shot in your movie. You can zoom way out and tell her that her time on this planet is short, that adventures she’ll always remember are awaiting her, and that if she constantly inhibits herself based on the opinions of others, life will pass her by. Or you can zoom into a close-up, cutting her friends out of the picture and focusing on just her wishes and desires, creating an intimate world between the two of you that she doesn’t want to leave.

  CONTEXT REFRAMING

  Context reframing is based on the fact that the same event will have different implications depending on the circumstances or environment in which it occurs. “Rain, for example, will be perceived as an extremely positive event to a group of people who have been suffering from a severe drought, but as a negative event for a group of people who are in the midst of a flood, or who have planned an outdoor wedding,” Dilts writes. “The rain itself is neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad.’ The judgment related to it has to do with the consequence it produces within a particular context.”

  This is useful to your inner game as well as your outer game. Let’s say that you’ve just tried a new opener, but the woman gave you a funny look and walked away. In the context of trying to get a phone number, you would view the interaction as a failure. But if you reframe the context so your goal wasn’t to obtain the digits but to determine the effectiveness of your new opener, then the interaction was a success.

  CONTENT REFRAMING

  Content reframing acknowledges that people see the same thing differently based on their personal attitudes, likes, dislikes, needs, and values. Dilts uses the example of an empty field of grass. A farmer sees it as an opportunity to plant crops, an architect sees it as a lot to build a Gothic home, a man flying a small plane that’s running out of fuel sees the field as an emergency landing strip.

  We all see things differently. Reframing based on content means looking at each individual’s perspective and the intention behind his or her external behavior.

  So, suppose you’re back at that bar with the woman you want to take home. But her friend keeps telling her, “You guys should just stay here. Why do you need to go anywhere else? You shouldn’t leave with a guy you just met.”

  It would be easy to simply dismiss the friend’s behavior as selfish and controlling. But try to find a positive intention in her actions. Maybe she’s worried about her friend’s safety. Maybe she thinks you’re the kind of guy who drives a van with garbage bags taped over the windows and power tools banging around in the back.

  She may seem hell-bent on frustrating you, but her behavior is actually coming from a positive place. And the quicker you understand her frame, the better you can handle the objection. For example, you can deal with the situation by spending some time talking with the friend so that she trusts you more, and then giving her your phone number. This way, if she’s worried about her friend or wants to find out where she is, she has the option of calling you.

  REFRAMING CRITICS AND CRITICISM

  The problem with critics is that they don’t just point out what you’re doing wrong. They often point out what they think is wrong with you.

  To deal with critics, it’s important to get beyond the negativity and realize that their judgments are usually made with good intentions.

  This also applies to your criticisms of others. When a friend offers an idea, for example, avoid responding with something negative that could start an argument like, “That’ll never work.” Instead, ask a positive, constructive question that he or she won’t take personally, such as “How are you going to pull that off?”

  This type of reframing also works well on your fiercest critic: you. Take any excuse you may have that keeps you from achieving your goals, such as “I don’t have time,” and turn it into a solvable problem: “I don’t use my time efficiently.” Then turn that problem into a question: “How can I use my time more efficiently so that I can reach my goal?”

  Reframing criticisms and limitations as “how” questions can turn a dead end into an open door.

  Framing The Game

  The more you learn about frames, the more flexibility, fun, and success you’ll have in your social and professional life. At the very least, always keep in mind the following three things when interacting with women:

  1.

  Always keep a strong frame. Have her meet you in your reality, rather than changing yourself to fit into hers. More than money and looks, this attitude will help you convey status.

  2.

  Reframing is the key to both persuasion and flirtation. It gives you control of a conversation, with the ability to redirect it somewhere humorous, positive, exciting, or, at the right time, sexual. Practice it as much as you can, and not only will you become more successful with women, you’ll become a more talented speaker and better-rounded thinker as well.

  3.

  Use these techniques in moderation. Do not become obsessed with controlling the frame in every interaction all the time. Sometimes surrender can be victory.

  MISSION 1: Self-assessment

  Welcome to your final review day.

  Below are a few of the skills you’ve learned so far. Rate yourself by circling a number from 1 to 10 in each area, with 1 being completely deficient, 5 being average, and 10 being perfect in the skill or trait listed.

  Select the areas in which you ranked yourself the lowest and work on those today, using the material and exercises already provided.

  The final dash to get a date begins next week, so make sure you’re caught up.

  MISSION 2: Get a Lifeline

  If you still haven’t received a phone number, that’s okay. One of two things is probably happening.

  The first is that you’ve hit a sticking point. If so, it’s time to get a helping hand. Go to www.stylelife.com/challenge and enter the Challenger forum. Start a thread there with the title “Sticking Point.” Discuss the specific area where you’re having trouble, providing as much detail as possible. Using the advice you get from coaches and fellow Challengers online, make four more approaches today.

  The second possibility is that you’ve just been reading the book and haven’t been doing the field assignments. Shame on you.

  If you have already received a phone number or been on a date, don’t just sit there and gloat. Go out and make four more approaches as well. Practice makes perfect.

  MISSION 3: Start Persuading

  Now that you know what works when meeting women, it’s important to understand why these techniques work, so that you can best respond to the fluctuations, surprises, and unexpected circumstances that occur in nearly every social situation. So turn to your Day 23 Briefing, read the book report on Influence by Robert Cialdini, and fill in the blanks.

  In Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, psychology professor Robert B. Cialdini examines the shortcuts that people use to make decisions, then distills the tactics of persuasion to six key psychological principles.

  Cialdini’s focus is on sales and advertising. However, his principles help explain not just what makes people buy a particular car or brand of soap, but also how people make decisions about each other.

  Below is a brief summary of Cialdini’s principles. Each has scores of applications to the process of creating attraction. For example, the principle of social proof explains why women are more attracted to men who are accompanied by other women than men who are alone. After each principle, write down at least one practical way you could employ it to improve your game.

 
A word of warning: These are powerful principles, and they should be used to appeal to the nobler side of people, not to their weaknesses. Steer people in the direction of their own best interests, not just yours.

  Social Proof

  This is the principle of majority rule: If a lot of people are doing something, others tend to believe it must be the right thing to do. As Cialdini explains, “One means we use to determine what is correct is to find out what other people think is correct.”

  Social proof is particularly persuasive, he notes, when the person trying to make a decision is uncertain or in an unclear situation. It’s also more powerful when the individuals we’re observing are people we relate to or believe are just like ourselves.

  APPLICATION:

  Liking

  Perhaps the most obvious of them all, the principle of liking holds that we’re more inclined to agree to the requests of someone we know and like.

  Cialdini cites several factors that produce liking. These occur when someone has a similar fashion style, background, or interest as us; gives us compliments; is physically attractive; or has repeated contact with us, especially in situations where we have to cooperate with him or her to achieve a mutual benefit.

  Cialdini adds an interesting twist to this principle: “an innocent association with either bad things or good things will influence how people feel about us.” For better or worse, he continues, “If we can surround ourselves with success that we are connected with in even a superficial way … our public prestige will rise.”

  APPLICATION:

  Reciprocation

  If people do something for us, we feel obliged to pay them back. Even “people who we might ordinarily dislike … can greatly increase the chance that we will do what they wish merely by providing us with a small favor prior to their requests,” Cialdini writes.

  An interesting corollary, he adds, is that in order to get someone to agree to a small request, a good tactic is to start by making a large request that he or she is likely to turn down.

  APPLICATION:

  Commitment and Consistency

  When people make up their mind about something, they tend not to change it—especially if they back it up with an action or a statement. Even when confronted with facts to the contrary, they often won’t change their decision or belief.

  “Once we have made a choice or taken a stand,” Cialdini explains, “we will encounter personal and interpersonal pressures to behave consistently with that commitment.”

  There are many corollaries to this rule. One is that people often observe their actions in order to determine their beliefs, instead of letting their beliefs guide their actions. Another states that if you can get people to commit to the decision to buy something, but the price rises or the rules change before they have a chance to purchase it, they’ll still want it. And, finally, there’s the foot-in-the-door technique: To get people to commit to a large purchase, have them first make a small, inconsequential one.

  APPLICATION:

  Authority

  This principle states simply that we tend to be obedient to authority figures, even at times when their wishes make no sense or conflict with our personal beliefs.

  One side effect of this, Cialdini notes, is that we’re as suggestible to people who merely possess symbols of authority as we are to legitimate authorities. The symbols we often kowtow to include professional titles; uniforms or formal attire; expensive status symbols; and commanding or convincing speaking voices. We even tend to accept as an authority someone who’s simply larger than us.

  APPLICATION:

  Scarcity

  According to the rule of scarcity, people perceive things that are rare, or becoming rare, as more valuable and desirable than they would if they were readily accessible. “Opportunities seem more valuable to us when their availability is limited,” Cialdini notes.

  One of the most important conclusions Cialdini draws from this is that “the idea of potential loss plays a large role in human decision making.” Thus, when obstacles are placed in the way of something or our access to it becomes limited, our desire for it becomes greater. We then tend to assign more positive qualities to it in order to justify the desire.

  “Because we know that things that are difficult to possess are typically better than those that are easy to possess,” he writes, “we can often use an item’s availability to help us quickly and correctly decide on its quality.”

  He adds that we tend to desire objects whose availability is suddenly restricted, more than items that have always been scarce.

  APPLICATION:

  The Next Level

  The most powerful motivators occur when different principles of persuasion join forces—for example, when social proof combines with scarcity. “Not only do we want the same item when it is made scarce,” Cialdini writes, “we want it most when we are in competition for it.”

  For your final exercise, write down one example of how two different principles can be combined to create a strong motivator for attraction.

  APPLICATION:

  MISSION 1: Be the Party

  One of the biggest mistakes men make when trying to make plans with a woman is not having a plan in the first place. “I don’t know. What do you want to do?” just may be the worst way to ask a person out.

  The next worst way is asking her, “So what are you doing on Saturday?” And then inviting yourself along.

  Rather than trying to glom on to her lifestyle, a better frame to have is that perhaps she’s not getting everything she wants from her life and is hoping to step into someone else’s exciting world. And that world just happens to be yours.

  The Stylelife Challenge is not just about women, it’s about lifestyle. If you can build a positive, exciting orbit of people, places, and things around yourself, one that other people respect and want to be a part of, you will meet and attract women automatically.

  So to close out the Stylelife Challenge, you are going to plan a dinner party for Day 30. Your task is to read today’s briefing and find out just how to pull this off before moving on to Mission 2.

  MISSION 2: Seed Your Stylelife Party

  Your mission today is to seed your dinner party.

  Approach women and groups using the material you’ve learned. But instead of seeding an event in your calendar, seed your dinner party. You may want to discuss the theme or occasion for the party, and mention any friends who share something in common with her. But don’t invite her.

  Only when the conversation is ending, and it’s time to exchange numbers, will you invite her to the party.

  One way to do this is to say, “You know what? You should come to the dinner party. I think you’ll really enjoy some of the people there. And, besides, we need a wild card.”

  If she asks what a wild card is, either tease her by saying “someone unpredictable” or compliment her by saying “someone new and interesting.” What you choose to say here depends entirely on her self-esteem.

  Unless she’s really excited about going, don’t give her the details of the party on the spot. That can come across as too eager. Wait to talk on the phone first. This way she’ll have to work a little harder for it, and demonstrate that she’s trustworthy and will mix well with your friends.

  Your mission is complete after you’ve either collected the phone number of one potential party guest or made five approaches. Whichever happens first.

  Tomorrow you will be using that number.

  Do you know what’s great about having a party?

  It’s an excuse to get the phone number of nearly anyone you meet, as well as an excuse to call anyone you haven’t talked to in a long time. No number will ever go stale as long as you have the occasional dinner party.

  For the purposes of the Challenge, the definition of a party is simply six or more people gathering in any public or private location for the purposes of a fun, recreational, bonding experience.

  Intent

  Having a dinner party allows
you to get together with a woman on your turf, where she has to compete for your attention. It also makes for an easy, low-commitment date. There are plenty of people around to keep the conversation going and build the anticipation you both will have for private time together later.

  Furthermore, having a regular party will add to your circle of friends and potential girlfriends; build your social skills; strengthen your leadership qualities; and help you develop the kind of lifestyle others want to be a part of. Some of the most desired women in the world don’t just date actors, musicians, directors, billionaires, and athletes, they also date club owners and promoters. This is because everyone wants to be accepted by the in-crowd. So do them all a favor by creating an in-crowd and accepting them.

  Promotion

  You don’t need to create invitations for your dinner party. And, whatever you do, don’t make flyers for your party. This is a small, exclusive event with a hand-picked guest list, and flyers imply mass, indiscriminate invitations.

  You do, however, need a reason for having the party. It doesn’t need to be anything complicated. Consider presenting your party to women as a weekly ritual where you gather some of the most interesting people you’ve met for good food and conversation. Or, better still, actually make it a weekly or monthly ritual. You could call it Monday martini night or the Tuesday charades challenge or the Wednesday international cook-off. If you want to get really pretentious, you could even call it a salon.