Rules of the Game

by Neil Strauss

  Note that adding an additional incentive to go—a “because” pretext, such as closing an open loop—further lessens the possibility of flaking or rejection.

  Afterward, tell her, “Here, I’ll give you my information.” Women may have an autopilot response when guys ask for their number, but they’ll rarely, if ever, object to taking your information.

  Here’s what you do next: Pull your pen and a business card (or some other small piece of paper, like a receipt) out of your pocket. Tear it in half. Then write down your name and number on one half.

  Afterward, hold on to the scrap of paper with your number and hand her the blank half of the card along with the pen. She’ll accept them; it would be rude not to.

  Four times out of five, she’ll write down her name and number. The few times when she doesn’t, she’ll ask, “What am I supposed to do with this?” Simply show her your half of the card with your information on it, and look at her with an expression that translates as “Duh, what else are you supposed to do with it?”

  Now you have your information on your paper scrap and she has her information on her half. So just exchange the scraps. Fair is fair.

  Visualize this movement and practice it a few times until it’s natural and smooth.

  It seems simple, and it’s supposed to be.

  The number exchange is not a magic trick. It won’t make someone who has no interest in you suddenly give you her contact information. It’s a tool to help you sail smoothly through an often awkward and precarious social ritual. I’ve never been rejected doing this, and I’ve never been given fake information. The reason is not necessarily the technique itself but the timing.

  The key to making this work is simply to do it after you’ve hit the hook point. Once you’ve captured her imagination with your great conversation, flair, and personality, she’ll be disappointed if you leave all of a sudden without exchanging contact information. So as long as you seem sociable and trustworthy, show her that you’re more interesting or attractive than her other options, and don’t try to exchange numbers too early, this transaction will proceed smoothly.

  If you want to be a smart-ass—and I recommend it—once she’s written down her number, tell her: “Draw a picture of yourself in case I forget what you look like.” You’ll be able to tell a lot about her from what she draws. Plus, it’s fun.

  Once you have the phone number, don’t leave. Keep talking to her for a couple of minutes. If you just dash off, she’ll think you were only interested in her for the number and she’ll get buyer’s remorse. Instead, after you’ve exchanged numbers, share one more anecdote to make her comfortable. If you don’t know what to say, tease her about the self-portrait she just drew for you. “What’s that supposed to be? An arm? Yeah, I think I see the resemblance.”

  If you prefer using your cell phone to exchange numbers, tell her: “Here, I’ll give you my number.” After she inputs it in her phone, say, “Great, now text me your number and write something to remember you by. Just in case I forget.” A fun gambit to add afterward is to take her phone and, unbeknownst to her, replace your name with a humorous phrase, so that when you call, her display reads “My Favorite Human” or whatever you input.

  Finally, remember that a phone number is not an end point in the game of attraction. It’s just a resting place. In some cases, you may not need to get a phone number right away, because she’ll want to spend the night with you. In other cases, you may get the phone number in the first fifteen minutes but spend hours together afterward. And every now and then, you’ll make a definite plan to meet later that day and not even exchange phone numbers. Though men tend to treat obtaining a phone number like it’s some sort of great victory, ultimately it’s just a bookmark allowing you to pick up an interaction where you left off.

  MISSION 1: Meet Your Silent Wingman

  Today is an easy day.

  It’s also an important one.

  Because today you will synthesize the information you’ve received so far and fit it into a larger framework of attraction, seduction, and courtship.

  Your Day 21 Briefing includes a list of each step of the game you’ve learned, from opening a conversation to obtaining a phone number. Fill in the blanks with all the material you’ve successfully learned and used. When you’re finished, add in any material you’d like to try. Then tear it out, photocopy it, or rewrite it on a regular sheet of paper.

  Consider it your cheat sheet and silent wingman.

  MISSION 2: Approach Using Your Silent Wingman

  Take your completed cheat sheet, fold it, and put it in your back pocket.

  Your goal today is to approach a woman (or a group containing a woman) and make it all the way from the top of the sheet to the bottom.

  As long as you eventually get to the number exchange, it isn’t necessary to use material from every category on your cheat sheet—or even most of them. It’s simply your safety net.

  As you master the game, you’ll find that planned or scripted material becomes necessary only as backup, in case an interaction loses momentum or isn’t progressing naturally toward the next necessary stage in creating a relationship. The best way to reach mastery is to add everything you can to your repertoire—and then, once you start experiencing success regularly, to remove as much as you can without affecting your results. In other words, practice using your cheat sheet, so that one day you’ll no longer have to rely on it at all.

  MISSION 3: General Courtship Strategy

  What’s the master plan? Perhaps it’s time I let you in on it.

  If you don’t know where you’re going, you won’t know how best to get there. So turn to the second section of your Day 21 Briefing and read the article about the big picture.

  Attitude and Affirmations

  I am relaxed, confident, playful, non-needy, unflappable, radiating positive energy. I will let go of my outcome. I am a man who women desire and want to be around. I will learn something from everyone I meet. I am testing women to see if they meet my standards. I deserve the best.

  Openers

  Roots

  Time Constraints

  Waypoint

  “How do you all know each other?”

  Disqualifications

  Demonstrations of Value

  Cold Readings

  Identity Statement

  Stories

  Events to Seed

  Number Exchange Techniques

  In the old days, my courtship strategy was simply to hang in there and be the last man standing. So I would make sure that either she was talking or I was talking at all times, and then hope that after enough hours and alcohol had gone by, I’d be able to make my move.

  Once I worked up the courage to lunge for the kiss, though, I’d get the dreaded cheek turn. This was usually followed by a short speech explaining that she didn’t want to ruin our friendship. It felt like a dagger plunging into my heart every time.

  I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. I just thought I wasn’t attractive or confident enough. And I’d repeat the same ineffectual strategy every time I had the opportunity to go out with a new woman, hoping that this one would like me.

  When I discovered that attraction was a learnable skill, I quickly realized what should have been obvious to me the whole time: that every love story needs a plot. Two strangers must go through a specific sequence of events if a sexual or romantic relationship is going to build between them. And whether this sequence occurs through conscious effort or just naturally on its own, almost all relationships follow it.

  I grew up thinking that one stage—building rapport—was the whole picture, which explains why I kept getting stuck in the friend zone. Friendships are built on rapport, trust, and common interests. What I didn’t realize is that attraction can be built just as easily, but using different materials.

  Once I understood this, everything changed. Eventually, as my interactions with women changed from friendships to romances, I was able to create a map and a clea
r route from the beginning of the courtship to the end. And as long as I knew where she was on that map and how to bring her to the next checkpoint, I no longer had to fear the dreaded cheek turn.

  There were only five checkpoints:

  1.

  Open: Every romance begins with two strangers meeting. This is how your parents met. This is how their parents met. And this is why the first nine days of the Challenge were dedicated to the minutiae of the approach, enabling you to break the ice in the most rejection-free way possible.

  2.

  Demonstrate value: Once you’ve opened, your goal is to hit the hook point as soon as possible. Depending on the woman, her options, her self-esteem, and her interests and preferences, demonstrating value can involve as little effort as saying hello, or as much as making yourself seem like the most coveted person in the room while captivating her and her friends with powerful non-needy routines that display your worth and excellence.

  3.

  Create an emotional connection: Sure, you’re cool and interesting. But you could be talking to anyone in the room. Why her? It’s time to show that the two of you are bonded in some way, have things in common, click, understand each other, and were meant to meet.

  4.

  Structure a call to action: Just because she likes you, that doesn’t mean she’s going to sleep with you. A window of possible intimacy has opened, but if you want her to jump through it, you’ll have to give her an incentive to do so in the moment. Most commonly, this is done by arousing her through talk or touch. Time, comfort, trust, and laughter can also accomplish this. But sometimes she needs a stronger reason to make that physical leap. These techniques—eliciting jealousy, giving mixed messages, or even disappearing for a little while—will help her realize that if she doesn’t move fast, she may lose her one opportunity to get together with you.

  5.

  Make a physical connection: Once she’s interested in going further, all you have to do is avoid making any mistakes that will cause her to change her mind—and walk with her across the bridge to physical intimacy in a way that doesn’t make her uncomfortable, cause her to feel used, or elicit any other negative autopilot response.

  Keep in mind that not every courtship starts at the beginning phases. Sometimes the interaction starts later in the process—if, for example, she’s already attracted to you. In the future, you may even get to the level where you can sometimes walk up to a woman and make out with her within minutes. The better you get, the faster you’ll be able to move through these stages.

  A CLOSE-UP VIEW

  The steps above helped guide me through nearly every approach I made. However, there are other ways to portray the same process. And different people respond better to different models.

  So I sat down with the Stylelife coaches and asked them to come up with their own version for you, going into greater detail. There are six phases in their model. Here’s what it looks like:

  This model applies to both men meeting women and women meeting men. Each phase develops to an important milestone or turning point, allowing the relationship to advance to the next phase.

  While understanding these phases in a developing relationship is helpful, knowing how to smoothly and successfully advance through them is much more useful. So I asked the team to break the phases into further detail and suggest specific actions to take and attitudes to have at each point in the process. Here’s what they came up with:

  You don’t need to memorize all these phases and strategies, as long as you understand their subtext—that attraction isn’t random, seduction isn’t something that just happens, and courtship doesn’t have to involve fumbling. The fact is, whether other men are using it consciously or not, there is a formula that makes a select few of them successful with women and in life.

  You now have that formula.

  MISSION 1: Learn to Flip the Script

  Today is frame-control day, in which you’ll learn techniques to stay dominant in a conversation. These concepts will not only be of use in nearly every social situation, but they may just change the way you look at the world.

  Your first task: Read all about them in your Day 22 Briefing before proceeding to the rest of today’s missions.

  MISSION 2: Constructive Reframing

  Your first mission is to reframe negativity into positivity at least once over the course of the day.

  When you hear a friend, colleague, or stranger complain or say something negative, try to reframe it into something positive. For example, if a friend says that he’s incompetent at something, tell him that he just likes to do things perfectly.

  If someone says, “My girlfriend is driving me crazy,” respond, “Why do you think she nags? It’s only because she cares. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t nag.”

  Keep reframing until the person accepts one of your positive conclusions.

  If you don’t hear anything negative all day, then call a friend or relative, ask what his or her biggest complaint or annoyance has been this week, and reframe that into something positive.

  MISSION 3: Flirtatious Reframing

  Choose from one of the following two flirtatious reframing exercises. Your mission is complete when you’ve performed it successfully one time. When you say these, make sure you’re smiling and it’s clear that you’re not serious:

  1.

  Reframe an accident into an intention: Go to a crowded place, such as a popular bar or store. When someone bumps into you or brushes against you as she walks past, jokingly say with mock indignation, “Did you just grope me? You know, I’m not that easy. I require dinner and a movie first.”

  2.

  Reframe kindness into self-interest: Go to a CD store and talk to a female employee or customer. Ask for advice on a good CD to play in the background at a dinner party—something new and cool. When she suggests a CD, teasingly accuse her of being paid to say it. “You really think I should get that CD? Hey, you’re not getting a kickback from the record label, are you? You probably get, like, a washing machine or something for every hundred copies you sell.” Then consider buying the CD. You’ll find out why on Day 24.

  MISSION 4: When the Going Gets Tough

  If you haven’t successfully exchanged phone numbers yet, study your silent wingman, put it in your back pocket, make sure your calendar is up to date, and approach four more women or groups today.

  By Thomas Scott McKenzie

  An artist frames a painting. A carpenter frames a house. Project managers establish a time frame for getting work done. A criminal evades capture by framing a stranger. A film director frames a shot. Bowlers get ten frames a game.

  There are dozens of different interpretations of the word frame, but most of them have to do with a structure or an agenda. In Introducing NLP, their classic book on neurolinguistic programming, authors Joseph O’Connor and John Seymour define frames as “the way we put things into different contexts to give them different meanings; what we make important at the moment.”

  In other words, a frame is the context through which a person, thing, or environment is perceived, and framing is a way that you can shape an interaction to achieve the result you desire. You can change your own frame, someone else’s frame, or the frame in which a certain conversation or situation seems to exist.

  Reframing is the process of changing the frame or providing a new view. “Reframing literally means to put a new or different frame around some image or experience,” Robert Dilts writes in his book on the subject, Sleight of Mouth. “Psychologically, to ‘reframe’ something means to transform its meaning by putting it into a different framework or context than it has previously been perceived.”

  In fact, most kinds of flirting really amount to reframing. For example, if a woman bumps into you and you ask, “Did you just grab my ass?”—you’ve just reframed the situation from an accidental collision to a sexually charged situation.

  Most social rules can also be thought of in terms of frames. The alpha male, for exa
mple, is the person with the dominant frame (or point of view) in a given situation. Dominance, however, should not be confused with being stubborn or a control freak. As Dilts asserts, “The person with the most flexibility will be the one who directs the interaction.”

  When you first meet a woman, it’s important to have a strong frame, so that she feels a need to seek your approval, rather than the other way around. This is one of the reasons you’re filling your Stylelife calendar with events: so that the woman can enter your world.

  Even most of the things you’re not supposed to do when approaching—such as acts of supplication, like buying a woman drinks so she’ll talk to you—can be seen as evidence of having a weak frame or giving in to someone else’s frame.

  Reframing Techniques

  Though there are innumerable techniques for reframing, in Sleight of Mouth Robert Dilts focuses on four specific ones.

  CHANGING FRAME SIZE

  Dilts uses the movie Cabaret as an example of how frame size affects our perception. One scene in the film begins with a close-up of “an angelic-looking young boy who is singing in a beautiful voice,” he writes. But as the camera pulls back, viewers notice that he’s dressed as a soldier. As it pulls back a little farther, viewers see his arm—and on it, an armband with a swastika.