Before the Rains

by Dinah Jefferies

  ‘This is so new between us. Let’s not think about that now.’

  And although Eliza was happy not to talk about it, she couldn’t help thinking.

  ‘Tell me more about your mother,’ he said.

  She sighed. ‘My mother has had problems with drink for years. I think my father’s death broke her. She was proud but never a strong woman, and there was no money, you see. She had to rely on the charity of James Langton. Although she called him my uncle we were not related. She had known him before she married my father, and then when we returned to England he became my mother’s lover.’

  ‘That must have been hard on you too?’

  ‘I only had her. No relatives, or at least no relatives who would see us. I loved my father, but my relationship with my mother has always been difficult. She sent a letter while I was here saying such terrible things about my father, accusing him of ruining us with his gambling and of having had a mistress for years.’

  ‘Perhaps there’s some advantage to having more than one wife.’ He paused to gauge her expression. ‘No mistresses necessary.’

  She knew he was joking or at least half joking, but couldn’t help her angry retort. ‘Except that it doesn’t work the other way round. Nobody stops to think that we might rather like to have more than one husband.’

  He put on a severe expression and a mock-affronted heavily accented voice. ‘That is deeply shocking thing to say, madam. What good woman is wanting with two men when she has one? One man: many women. It is the correct way.’

  Even though she wanted to be annoyed she couldn’t help but smile. ‘Oh, shut up, you idiot!’

  ‘You are telling a Raja to shut up? There is only one punishment for that. Come here.’

  ‘And if I refuse?’

  ‘I will keep you tied to the bed for many moons.’

  ‘You have to catch me first.’ She leapt to her feet and ran into the darkness beyond the fire. Then she hid behind a thorn bush while keeping an eye out for him and keeping her breath quiet. She could hear him moving about but could see almost nothing. From up above the powder of silver stars was the only light.

  She heard the mournful cry of a distant jackal, then felt the sensation of a pinprick in her leg and shouted out.

  Not knowing exactly where she was, he could only run towards the direction of her voice. ‘Are you all right? You shouldn’t escape into the darkness at night. All kinds of creatures are out there.’

  ‘I think I was bitten, but it didn’t really hurt.’

  ‘You shouted out.’

  ‘In surprise, that’s all.’

  ‘But did it hurt?’

  ‘Honestly, it was just a pinprick, perhaps an ant?’

  He had his arm round her now. ‘You’re certain it wasn’t a snake?’

  ‘I’ve no idea. It was pitch black.’

  ‘A snake bite would hurt. I think we should pack up and get you back, just in case.’

  ‘It’s too dark. Honestly, I’ll be fine. I just want to go to bed.’

  They turned in for the night immediately after that, but after only about an hour Eliza woke with cramps in her stomach. She sat up in bed and doubled over, trying not to wake Jay and listening to the silence that, frighteningly, was not silent at all. During the rest of the cold desert night she lay shivering in the makeshift bed, as close to Jay as she could be without disturbing him. She felt nauseous and wanted to move, but, too nervous to leave the tent, remained where she was until the first pale light of dawn. When Jay eventually woke he took one look at her and his face fell.

  ‘Tell me what you’re feeling.’

  ‘Sick. And I have a bad stomach ache. Maybe something I ate?’

  But he looked at her so gravely she began to feel a prickle of anxiety.

  ‘I want to look for that bite again.’

  He had tried to find it using the light of an oil lamp the night before and had appeared very relieved when nothing showed up.

  ‘Really?’

  She showed him the place on her ankle.

  ‘I don’t think it’s a snake bite. But the area around the bite has reddened and it’s a little bit swollen too.’

  ‘What do you think?’

  He shook his head. ‘Not sure. Any other symptoms?’

  ‘My chest is painful.’

  ‘It hurts to breathe?’

  ‘A little.’

  Jay held open the door flap and called the servant over, then spoke in a hushed tone and far too rapidly for Eliza to get the drift.

  ‘What did you tell him?’ she asked when he came back to her.

  ‘I’ve sent for Indi’s grandmother. It may take an hour or two but there’s nobody better. He’s taken my motorbike. Quicker than his camel.’

  ‘Do you think it’s serious?’ Eliza tried to smile but couldn’t quite manage it.

  He held her hands in his, rubbing and warming them, but he didn’t say anything.

  ‘I thought Indi’s daadee ma was ill.’

  ‘We have to hope she’s well enough to come.’

  ‘How will we get her back home? How will we get home?’

  ‘I don’t want to move you, and certainly not on the back of a camel or a bike. I don’t want you to worry about anything and I don’t want you to overheat, but it’s still very early so it’s quite cool. You will need to drink. Could you manage some water?’

  She tried to lift her head but fell back against the pillow. ‘Everything hurts.’

  He put an arm around her shoulders. ‘Lean against me and just sip.’

  With his other hand he held the cup of water to her lips.

  ‘I feel dizzy,’ she said, and slipped back down on to the bed but then didn’t feel as if she could keep still.

  ‘Lie still,’ he said, and held her arms.

  She was aware that he stayed with her all the time, except when he went out to check if there was any sight of Indi’s grandmother. And even though she felt so ill, she could only wonder that they were together like this. How strange it felt. Yet how right.

  ‘You didn’t say if you thought it was serious?’

  He smiled. ‘I’m not a doctor, but I am sure it’s not. So relax and rest.’

  She attempted to sit up. ‘I feel as if the room is going round.’

  ‘All that gin you drank last night.’

  ‘I didn’t –’ And then the room spun. She was aware of travelling down a dark tunnel at enormous speed and then him holding her as she fell forward. Then nothing.

  When she came to, Jay was lying next to her on the bed. First she was only conscious of his palm gently stroking her hair, and then she became aware of his slow steady breathing. In that delicious moment she had forgotten about being ill, but then she sat up and was sick all over the bedcover. He jumped up, pulled the cover off, rolled it up and threw it outside the tent. Then from under the bed he pulled out an animal skin of some kind.

  ‘This is all I have. Until the day warms up a bit more. How are you feeling?’

  ‘Not sure. What if I’m sick again?’

  ‘Let’s hope you’re not. But you must drink. I don’t want you to dehydrate.’

  He touched her skin, her forehead and the back of her neck. ‘You’re sweating a lot.’

  ‘My head hurts.’

  ‘Let’s hope she gets here soon.’

  ‘But what can she do?’

  ‘She knows everything there is to know about the desert and what it can do to us.’

  ‘Will she be able to fix me?’

  ‘Don’t worry. Everything will be fine. Now lie still.’ Although he had spoken in soothing tones, Eliza could see the worry in his eyes. She let out her breath slowly and lay still.

  She was only vaguely aware of the passage of time. Minutes seemed like hours, and hours went by in a flash.

  Sometimes he asked her how she was and sometimes she asked him what he was thinking. But neither of them were telling the truth, she thought. He said everything would be fine but his eyes gave him away. She said s
he was feeling better even though she was not. When she was completely lucid she remembered they had not spoken of what would happen after the rains.

  While she muttered about rain, Jay looked increasingly worried, pacing around the tent when he wasn’t sitting by her side, but eventually she heard the sound of a motorbike and raised voices. Soon after that the old lady came in, walking with the aid of a stick. The first thing she did was to look at the site of the bite and frown.

  ‘Two small red dots,’ she said clearly so that Eliza might understand. ‘Black widow spider.’

  Jay visibly relaxed, letting out a long slow breath. ‘I thought it might be.’

  ‘You did well to keep her still. We do not wish the venom to flow further into her blood.’

  ‘So I can’t move her?’

  ‘Not today. But you need to keep her cool. Only young children and the very old die from this.’

  ‘But she has had a severe reaction?’

  ‘Yes, just like you, my boy. Only when you were very small I gave you a herbal remedy. A remedy that I do not have here today. It may not be pleasant for her but she will survive.’

  He nodded.

  ‘Fan her, apply cool wet cloths to her skin – back of her neck, chest and face – and add a little salt to her water.’

  ‘Strange that it should have happened to her too,’ he said, as he accompanied the old lady to the door.

  ‘You love this woman?’ Eliza heard her ask, but she didn’t hear Jay’s reply.

  A few minutes later Jay came back in, smiling broadly. ‘So we stay put for today and if you feel better we’ll go back in the morning.’

  ‘How was she?’

  ‘Much thinner and a lot frailer.’

  ‘I feel awful making her come all this way.’

  ‘Don’t worry. She was happy to come. Now please drink. We have to avoid heat exhaustion.’

  Eliza nodded. She could feel the day heating up and knew the temperatures could be stifling.

  ‘I feel like there’s an axe in the back of my skull. I must look an awful mess.’

  ‘My poor Englishwoman. The axe doesn’t help but you could never look a mess.’

  ‘That’s not what you thought when we first met.’

  She didn’t have the energy to laugh but he smiled. ‘Now listen. Just before the rains come I’m taking you to Udaipore to see the monsoon arrive. Think of the rain falling. Think of being cool. That will help.’

  ‘Why are they called black widows?’

  ‘Because they are black and they eat their husbands.’

  Now she smiled at him despite the pain.

  Two days later and back at Jay’s palace, they stood facing each other in her bedroom, not speaking for a moment or two. Then she slowly undid the buttons of his shirt, and he closed his eyes. Who was in charge? Who was leading? Who was setting the pace? She thought she had wanted it to be him, but somehow things were becoming more equal and she liked that too, loving the feeling of power in her fingertips.

  ‘Are you sure you’re well enough?’ he said.

  She laughed.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ he said and opened his eyes.

  ‘I’m well enough.’

  Moments passed as they let each other in, or so it seemed to Eliza. This felt like entering a new world, one that was neither his nor hers, but one the two of them had made with no room for anything else. It was a world that once made could never be lost; a world that would exist even after they had gone. It made her want to reach deep inside him until she found what it was that made him, him.

  Later, when they had made love, arms and legs tangled, he ran his fingers down her spine.

  ‘Look at me,’ he said. ‘Open your eyes.’

  She opened her eyes, then smiled and held his hand.

  ‘Why are you smiling?’ he asked.

  ‘I don’t know. Happy, I guess.’

  He grinned. ‘I love seeing you smile and hearing you laugh.’

  ‘You make me laugh,’ she said.

  ‘Not sure if that’s a good thing.’

  ‘It’s good. It’s so good.’

  He kissed her and she gazed right into his eyes and then she ran her fingers through his hair. He shivered and held her close. Sometimes she worried where they would go from here, but then, face to face with him, she didn’t care. She slowly twisted round in his arms, her mouth against his cheek.

  ‘Thank you,’ she whispered.

  ‘For?’

  ‘For being you. For being here. For …’ She paused.

  ‘For?’

  ‘For something I never expected to feel.’ She stretched lazily. ‘I wish this could last for ever. That we could stay just like this.’

  He didn’t reply, but stroked the inside of her thigh.

  ‘Though I suppose we’d get hungry,’ she added.

  ‘I’m hungry already. Aren’t you?’

  ‘Yes, but I can’t be bothered to move. Eating seems rather too basic after all this.’

  ‘Basic is good, woman.’

  ‘But not as good as love.’

  He pulled a face. ‘Mmmm. Now let me think. Food? Or love?’

  She dug him in the ribs.

  ‘Oi,’ he said and, laughing, gathered her to him and hugged her.

  She liked it when he held her, liked it when he smiled, laughed, or even scowled. Was there nothing about him to dislike?

  ‘Do you want me?’ she said, plucking up courage to ask. ‘I mean really?’

  ‘Haven’t I already made that clear?’

  Part Three

  * * *

  ‘It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.’

  – Frederick Douglass

  24

  With no further ill-effects from the spider bite and full of her love for Jay, Eliza was soon back at the Juraipore castle. Dottie had heard that she had been unwell and eventually plucked up courage to call at the castle, entering Eliza’s rooms carrying a bouquet of flowers.

  ‘I must say you look wonderful. I’d expected you to look pale and peaky.’

  Eliza grinned and leant back against the sofa, feeling blissful.

  Dottie stared at her. ‘Oh Lor’! Has Clifford proposed?’

  ‘Clifford?’

  Dottie laid the flowers down on a side table. ‘You have the look of a woman who has just said yes.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Then what?’ She lowered her voice. ‘Or should I say who?’ There was a brief pause, then her hand flew to her mouth. ‘You haven’t, have you?’

  Eliza didn’t reply.

  ‘You’ve fallen for one of them. That’s it, isn’t it?’

  Eliza grinned helplessly and nodded. ‘It’s Jay.’

  Dottie stood and stared, hands on both hips. ‘Well, that’ll put the cat among the proverbial pigeons. On both sides.’

  ‘Can’t you be a little happy for me?’

  Dottie moved over to the window and gazed out before turning back to Eliza. ‘It will end in tears, my love. This sort of thing always does. Though I imagine it must be deliciously romantic.’ She had spoken the last sentence in a wistful tone of voice.

  ‘Would you talk to Clifford to smooth the waters?’ Eliza asked.

  Dottie shook her head. ‘No, darling, I really can’t. My advice is to put a stop to this before it goes any further.’

  ‘I don’t think I can.’

  ‘Not willing to, more like. I don’t blame you, honestly I don’t. It must be irresistibly exciting, but he will never marry you. He’ll marry one of his own kind.’

  ‘I’m not so sure.’

  ‘I am, and it will leave you with a tarnished reputation.’

  ‘But I’ve already been married. I’m hardly a virgin.’

  Dottie came across to sit beside Eliza on the sofa and took hold of her hand. ‘People forgive a dead husband but they don’t forgive a woman who has been cast aside, especially if the man concerned is
not one of us.’

  Eliza sighed. This was not what she wanted to hear.

  ‘Honestly, darling. Put a stop to it, and soon.’

  Jay had given Eliza the key to his study so that she could use it whenever she wished, either to take pictures of people, or to sort out papers for him when he wasn’t there. She thought she might take individual shots of each member of the family, plus a few other individuals, though really the best shots she’d taken of people had always been out in the town or in the desert itself. Something about the wild seemed to make a person stand out in such sharp relief.

  Indi had returned from her grandmother’s, and Eliza was relieved that the old lady’s dash across the desert on a motorbike hadn’t left her more fragile than before.

  ‘You must be happy,’ Eliza said, as she set up her field camera on the tripod in the study ready to photograph Indi. The Rolleiflex still wasn’t back.

  ‘I hated to see Grandmother fading like that,’ Indi said. ‘If I am honest I don’t think she really is better. She is putting on a brave face, but she hardly eats a thing.’

  ‘Didn’t you want to stay on?’

  ‘She insisted I came back here … So?’ Indi said, after a short pause. ‘You’ve been away for ages.’

  Eliza thought about Jay and also her conversation with Dottie and managed to keep a composed face. ‘I’ve been helping Jay with the water project. Some papers still need signing by the new investor before the funding can be released. It’ll be any day now, and then the work will have to really pick up speed.’

  ‘I’d love to see the progress.’

  ‘I’m sure Jay would take you. Now, could you sit on the desk?’

  ‘On the desk?’

  ‘I’m after a relaxed shot.’

  Indi went to perch on the edge of the desk. ‘How about if I pretend to be reading a book?’

  ‘Good idea.’

  Indi picked up a book that had been lying open on Jay’s desk and made a good fist of being absorbed in it.

  ‘Now look up at me and smile.’

  Indi did as she was asked and Eliza was astonished once again by the girl’s beauty. Part of her wanted to raise the issue of Indi’s relationship with Chatur, but as Jay had already dealt with it she decided to let sleeping dogs lie.