A Million Times Goodnight

by Kristina McBride

  Josh shook his head. “No way I believe that.”

  “Fine.” I shrugged. “He did something. And you don’t need to know what.”

  Josh looked at me—hard—and I half-regretted asking him to join us. But he was the answer, the best possible ammunition I could use against Ben. I knew it was selfish, but Josh had to get in that car. For a minute, as we all stood there, I thought I’d lost my chance. I imagined myself walking into the party alone, the joke of the century as a zillion pictures of a naked me floated around the house and spun to the farthest reaches of the Internet.

  “I know you’re pissed,” Brooklyn said, “but this, Hadley, is not the answer.”

  “I’m pretty sure there aren’t any answers at this point. But one thing I’m sure of—Josh has to come with us.”

  He cleared his throat. “I don’t have to do anything.”

  “I need you.” My voice sounded strong. “And you owe me.”

  “Hadley,” Brooklyn said, “think about it for one second and you’ll see. This—it’s crazy.”

  I shrugged. “Maybe. But it’s the perfect kind of crazy.” I looked Josh in the eyes. “You in?”

  I almost expected him to turn and walk away. Part of me wanted him to. Things would be easier that way. But tonight wasn’t about easy.

  “Shotgun,” Josh said, brushing past me, swirling the cool night air. So close that I breathed in his scent—boy mixed with trees and earth and night.

  Relief washed over me. I wasn’t sure exactly how I would use him, but knowing I could made all the difference.

  “You can’t call shotgun,” Brooklyn complained as she traipsed after Josh.

  I stared at the reflection of the stars sparkling on Ben’s windshield. My mind hit fast-forward, scrolling through all the different options I had, all the different outcomes I could possibly face.

  “You don’t have any rank.” Mia propped a hand on her hip. “To call shotgun, you have to have rank.”

  Josh stopped short of the passenger-side door, pointing my bag of Skittles at Brooklyn and Mia. “Which one of you wants to sit in back with me?” he asked, then poured some of the colorful candies into his mouth.

  Brooklyn and Mia locked eyes.

  “Right,” Mia said. “You can have shotgun.”

  With the engine still purring, I slipped into the driver’s seat, sliding my hands along the steering wheel as the others hopped in through the passenger side. My eyes were drawn to the winking flash of silver wrapped around the middle finger of my right hand, its three turquoise stones glowing in the light of the moon. I remembered the day I’d bought it, heat rising off the pavement as I’d walked through the annual street fair with Penny and Brooklyn and Mia. It had been the Fourth of July between sixth and seventh grade. I’d plucked the ring from a table display, sliding it on my finger as a woman counted my cash, and had never taken it off.

  But seeing the ring now turned my stomach. It would always remind me of the moment when I realized the naked girl in the picture on Facebook was me.

  I tugged the ring free, slipping it straight off my finger, and almost tossed it out of the window, down into the ravine. But I couldn’t. I might have hated that ring, but a part of me loved it, too. I tucked the little silver circle into the front pocket of my jeans, burying my shame right along with it.

  “We going?” Josh asked.

  “Yeah,” I said, putting the car in drive and steering Ben’s BMW back toward the road.

  I saw the headlights racing straight toward us. Knew that we’d all seen them because a collective gasp whirled through the car.

  Mia let out a high-pitched scream.

  Brooklyn shouted something about sweet baby Jesus.

  Josh grabbed my arm, his fingers squeezing tight.

  Everything flipped into slow motion, giving the scene a dreamy feel of detachment. I sat there, trapped, with no place to go, hearing the echo of a scream as I stared into the blue-tinted light from the oncoming car, seeing wisps of long hair streaming through an open convertible top, watching the mirrored image of the BMW’s hood ornament gliding toward us.

  Josh lost his grip on the bag of Skittles, and an explosion of color flew through the car.

  Then came a sweeping gust of air, the feeling of floating through space.

  The world around me fractured into a million tiny pieces.

  And I turned right and left in the space of one single breath.

  5

  THE ENTRANCE TO SPRING HEIGHTS ESTATES – 9:51 PM

  UP THE hill we climbed, the deep, thumping bass urging us forward, swells of wind pulling us on and on and on, and the moon hanging in the sky, its glow a silver pathway stretching before us.

  “I can’t believe that car almost hit us,” Brooklyn said, her eyes meeting mine in the rearview mirror. “I warned you, Hadley. That tower? Bad. Mojo.”

  I glanced at Josh. My heart was still racing, but he, more than any of us, had a right to be totally freaked. His expression gave away nothing, but his cheeks had drained of all color, his skin practically glowing in the moon’s light.

  Rounding the last curve, the headlights arced, sweeping across the large stone wall marking the entrance to Spring Heights Estates.

  The music faded, crackled, and a cloud crossed in front of the moon, blanketing us in deep shadow.

  I stopped at the corner, the car idling beneath me, wondering what I would do when I walked into the party and faced Ben. Wanting, needing, seeking something I could use to make him feel regret.

  Josh looked at me. Blinked. And took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “For what?” I hoped he’d say he was sorry for everything that had happened since last year’s spring break. Maybe if he did, I could, too.

  He held the nearly empty bag of Skittles in the air. “I spilled.”

  “Oh,” I said. “No big deal.”

  Josh tilted his head to the side. And then he leaned down to the floorboard and started picking up the shattered rainbow of colors, plopping the round candies back into the bag with a succession of little click click clicks.

  I took a deep breath and offered them all one last chance to escape. “Things are going to get ugly.”

  Brooklyn placed a hand on my shoulder. “We know.”

  “We’re here for you, chica.” Mia’s voice was solid. Sure.

  Josh looked at me, his bottom lip caught between his teeth, and nodded in silent agreement.

  I felt better then. Stronger with the girls by my side. Strangely comforted that Josh was there to back us up.

  I pressed the button for the convertible top. Listened to the sound of it rising, stretching, falling. Imagined Penny—always fearless, forever daring—cheering us on.

  And then I turned right into Spring Heights Estates and steered us toward the party, the lights, and my now ex-boyfriend, Ben Baden.

  6

  THE ENTRANCE TO I-75 SOUTH – 9:51 PM

  DOWN THE hill we spiraled, the rich tones of acoustic guitar urging us back, swells of wind pressing us on and on and on, and the moon hanging in the sky, its glow a silver pathway stretching behind us.

  “I can’t believe that car almost hit us,” Brooklyn said, her eyes meeting mine in the rearview mirror. “I warned you, Hadley. That tower? Bad. Mojo.”

  I glanced at Josh. My heart was still racing, but he, more than any of us, had a right to be totally freaked. His expression gave away nothing, but his cheeks had drained of all color, his skin practically glowing in the moon’s light.

  Turning on the main road, the headlights flashed, sweeping across a small blue sign marking the entrance to I-75 south.

  The music faded, crackled, and a cloud crossed in front of the moon, blanketing us in deep shadow.

  I stopped at the traffic light, watching cars zoom toward us and then away. The highway overpass vibrated beneath us, filling me with a sense of urgency. In the red glow of the light, my body tingled with the thrill of possibilities: revenge, adventure, transformation
.

  Josh looked at me. Blinked. And took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “For what?” I hoped he’d say he was sorry for everything that had happened since last year’s spring break. Maybe if he did, I could, too.

  He held the nearly empty bag of Skittles in the air. “I spilled.”

  “Oh,” I said. “No big deal.”

  Josh tilted his head to the side. And then he leaned down to the floorboard and started picking up the shattered rainbow of colors, plopping the round candies back into the bag with a succession of little click click clicks.

  I took a deep breath and offered them all one last chance to escape. “Things are going to get ugly.”

  Brooklyn placed a hand on my shoulder. “We’re not heading back to the party?”

  I shook my head. “I’m thinking no.”

  “Where, then?” Mia asked, the glow of the red light a veil frosting her skin.

  “If it’s away from this town”—Josh turned to face me—“I’m in.”

  Brooklyn snorted.

  “We’re with you, Hadley,” Mia said. “No matter what.”

  I felt better then. Stronger with the girls by my side. Strangely comforted that Josh was there to back us up.

  I reached forward and pressed a button on the dash, resetting the trip odometer to zero. Imagined Penny—always fearless, forever daring—cheering us on.

  And then I turned left, onto I-75 south, and steered us away from the party, our little town, and my now ex-boyfriend, Ben Baden.

  7

  SPRING HEIGHTS ESTATES – 10:05 PM

  “Holy shit! The entire senior class must be here.” Brooklyn climbed out of Ben’s backseat, smoothing the front of her tank top as she looked up and down the tree-lined street, where parked cars wrapped around the corner and slipped into the shadowy darkness.

  “Cops are gonna bust this up,” Josh said.

  “Well, if they do, they’ll only send their standard two officers to scare everyone away without actually doing any work.” Mia grabbed Brooklyn’s hand and started walking toward Ryan Peterson’s front yard, where several people were standing in a cluster at the open front door.

  “Just make sure you get out the back,” I said. “Run the course and you’re free.”

  “Seriously?” Josh asked, his eyes darting to mine. “The golf course is still the escape route up here?”

  Brooklyn stopped and turned back to us. “What’d you expect? A hovercraft?”

  “I don’t know,” Josh said. “But it’s senior year. I figured things would have evolved a little.”

  As we stood under the branches of a half-grown maple tree, it hit me that while Josh had pretty much ceased to exist for most of us, he’d gone on living his life.

  “We’ll see you in there, Hadley,” Mia said. “We’ve got your back with Ben and all, but there’s no way we’re walking in with him.”

  Josh looked toward the party as if he hadn’t heard, but there was no way he’d missed the comment.

  “Right,” I said. “No problem.” I took a deep breath, wondering if I’d made a mistake inviting him, but shoved the thought away. Josh was the best tool I had to work with. If he could handle the pressure.

  “You’re sure you want to do this?” I asked, bending into the open driver’s-side door and grabbing my purse, my phone, and Ben’s keys. I stayed like that, half in and half out of the car, fumbling around while I waited for Josh’s answer. He surprised me when he ducked into the passenger side, crouching down in the dim light.

  “I’m sure.”

  “Why? There are people in there who wouldn’t hesitate to—”

  “Like you said, I owe you.”

  I felt a sense of victory hearing those words. But then I remembered the red paint–splattered accusations dashed across his garage door, the rumors that people had thrown threatening notes rubberbanded around rocks through his windows, the way he always walked with his head down, his body stiff and alert. My victory suddenly didn’t feel all that sweet.

  Josh leaned down to the floorboard, reaching under his seat.

  “I thought you got all the Skittles.”

  “Just want to double-check now that I have more room to maneuver.” He stretched his arm farther into the dark space. “You ready for this? Facing whatever’s going on?”

  “I have no idea.” I closed my eyes. Shook my head. Tried to ignore the hurt and shame that were smoldering beneath my anger. I wondered if I’d made the right decision, driving Ben’s car back to the party instead of taking off to some mysterious location. “But at this point, I have no other choice.”

  “Sorry,” Josh said. “I didn’t mean to—”

  “Don’t be.” I opened my eyes, watching as Josh closed the zipper on his backpack and yanked it from the floor. “It’s a good question.”

  Josh’s eyes were the same deep green I remembered. For a moment, it felt like before. Like we were living another life. The life before we lost Penny.

  “Things with Ben were good,” I said, feeling the need to defend my choice even though I knew it didn’t matter anymore. “But after tonight, I’m seeing him a little differently.”

  “Finally seeing him for the asshole he is?”

  I opened my mouth, my instinct to defend Ben, to say that he could be a pain but that deep down he was a good guy. And then I remembered the picture.

  Josh tipped his head toward Ryan’s house. “Now or never?”

  “Definitely now.” I stood tall, pulling my shoulders back, then pressed the lock on the door handle until it beeped twice. My heart raced a little as I thought of what I was about to do. Flinging my purse over my shoulder, my eyes trained on the pack of cigarettes I’d shoved into a slot under the stereo, I took a deep breath as I tossed Ben’s key ring into the dark space of the center console. And then time seemed to speed up, rushing me toward that first moment with Ben—the first moment I’d spend with this new version of him, that I felt like I’d only just met.

  Slamming the car door, I turned, hearing Josh’s door bang closed behind me. The echo of music rippling from Ryan’s house hit me in the chest just before Ben’s voice.

  “You decided to make the smart decision, I see?” He was standing in front of me with his chocolate-brown hair flipping up and away from his chocolate-brown eyes. The light from the house outlined his body in an eerie way.

  “Your phone,” I said. “Take it out and delete that picture. Now.”

  Ben smiled, but it was forced. “You’re the one who stole my car. And now you’re giving me attitude?”

  “Don’t be so dramatic.”

  “I told you not to take it. I made myself very clear.”

  “Believe me, Ben, if I stole the car, you’d know it.”

  “Whatever. Just give me the keys.”

  “Delete the picture first.”

  Ben sighed, rolled his eyes, and reached into the back pocket of his jeans. “Touchy, touchy.” I watched his fingers dance across the screen, opening Facebook and pulling up the shot. “I didn’t want to do this, Hadley, really. But you didn’t leave me any choice.”

  “I’m not even going to ask you to explain that. Whatever game you’re playing, it’s over.”

  He raised his eyebrows, giving me a curious look. “Trust me, this is no game.”

  With his phone between us, Ben hit the DELETE button. I watched the picture disappear, wishing my shame could vanish along with it. Wishing that his action had wiped the picture from existence. But I knew the image was saved to his phone. Asking him to get rid of it was pointless. I’d have to find a way to tackle that later. For now, at least, the picture was off Facebook, which meant it—and all the comments below it—had disappeared for everyone but Ben and me.

  “Now let’s go have some fun, shall we?” A smile stretched across Ben’s face. A genuine smile that was soft and sweet and, for a split-second, reminded me of why I’d chosen him in the first place.

  I looked at him and couldn’t say anything.
Did he seriously think I was about to go into that party with him?

  “Keys?” he asked, holding his free hand between us. “I gotta grab something really quick, and then we can head back inside.”

  He was acting as if what he’d done to me was nothing. As if I was just going to slip back into my role as his girlfriend, no questions asked.

  I started with my pockets, natural, like the keys should be right there. As I fake-searched, I looked down at the ground. Ben was wearing his favorite Columbia sandals—the pair he bought online one night while we were eating cold pizza, half-naked in his bed. Only a month had passed, but God, it felt like a lifetime ago.

  “Come on, Hadley. I don’t have all night.”

  “Gimme a sec,” I said, shoving my hands in my purse and fishing around. “I can’t see a thing.”

  Ben reached into his pocket and pulled his hand out, lightning quick, flicking a lighter in my face. “This help?”

  I searched for another moment, faking relief when I heard the muffled jingle from the bag.

  “Here,” I said, tossing the keys in the air. The flame from the lighter died as Ben’s hands fumbled for the key ring, which fell to the ground with a thunk.

  As Ben leaned down, Josh rounded a nearby tree. He was standing in the shadows, both hands in the air, asking me what I wanted him to do. I jutted my chin toward the party, hoping he would go on without me. It wasn’t time for Ben to see him. Not yet. Ben stood as Josh stepped out of the shadow and turned toward the roiling sounds of music and laughter, his feet stepping from the grass onto the pavement.

  “What the hell, Hadley?” Ben’s voice was quiet but hard, as if he was trying to remain calm. “These are not my keys.”

  “What?” I crinkled my eyes with confusion.

  He jiggled the key ring between us, the silver charm my mom had given me for my sixteenth birthday swinging in the air. “Not. My. Keys.”

  “Oh, shit, Ben,” I said, turning toward the car. “I think I fucked up. I’m sorry, but—”

  “Hadley—”

  “What did you expect after posting that picture? I freaked, wanting to get back to you as fast as I could.” I flashed him a nervous smile. “I think I locked the keys in the car. But I bought you a pack of smokes, because I noticed you were almost out and—”