At the Highways of Madness

by West, David J.

  “I’d call it more of a lozenge, but hey! Fate shines! I know exactly what we need to do. We have to take it!” shouted Ogre, slapping The Squid on the back.

  “Ow! What man? No, I’ve got a load to pick up.”

  Ogre spun The Squid saying, “You know what Julius Caesar would say here?”

  The Squid shrugged. “Et tu Brute?”

  “Stop playing games, Squid! He said seize the day! It’s like his most famous quote and that’s what we are gonna do! We are gonna seize the day!”

  “What? No man,” said The Squid, shaking his head. “I’ve gotta get to Denver.”

  “We are gonna pick up this thing and get the hell out before the feds arrive to turn it over to the Illuminati and reverse engineer it.”

  “That’s crazy. The army handles this stuff. We can’t do this.”

  “That’s the beauty of it Squid. You got a flatbed, I got a forklift. We can snag that thing before anyone’s the dumber. I need to do this, dude. I need money bad. My mom has cancer.”

  “I have got to get to Denver, Ogre. It’s important.”

  “No problem, we drop it off and hide it at my brother’s place in the four corners.”

  “Your mom has cancer, since when? And you have a brother? You never told me that before.”

  “We don’t talk much. He’s a Jehovah’s Witness.”

  “And the four corners, Ogre? That’s not on the way to Denver.”

  “It’s the scenic route Squid, try and be a team player here. We are doing this for truth, justice and the American way. It’s the right thing to do. I need to do this. For mom.”

  “No way.”

  “You love my mom. Help me.”

  “This won’t fix that.

  “It will if we sell it.”

  “That’s crazy.”

  Ogre moved uncomfortably close to The Squid and looked him in the eye. “You remember that time I saved your life? How about that other time I pulled you off that mountain on I-90 over Butte? Are you just gonna forget all the times I caught the tab? Do you know how many times I have paid for your drinks? Two hundred and ninety-three times. Are you leaving me hanging now?”

  “You counted?” asked The Squid, wrinkling his brow in disbelief.

  Ogre frowned in response as if it was plain as day. “Two hundred and ninety-three times, Squid.”

  Shaking his head, The Squid responded, “I bailed you out of jail, that cost five hundred dollars. And you gave me snow chains once. Once. And that lifesaving thing? I wasn’t drowning, man!”

  “I couldn’t take that chance, Squid. You owe me.”

  “No way. I have got to get to Denver.”

  “All right, all right. Just help me load it on your truck, and you take my rig to Denver and I meet you there by tomorrow evening. I need to do this. Will you help me? For mom?”

  Exasperated, The Squid nodded. Ogre was gone in a flash to get his forklift as The Squid looked closer at the wreckage. The silver cigar shaped craft was perhaps twenty feet long, smooth all over with no discernable doors or rivets. Amazingly, the impact had not scratched it at all. At its widest diameter it was around six feet and gradually tapered at each end to about a two-foot diameter. Except for the direction it was facing as it plowed into the ground there would have been no way of knowing which end was front or back.

  The Squid touched the craft, it was surprisingly cold. Warm air coming off the Great Salt Lake met the cold craft and a mist swirled about in phantasmal caresses.

  A long dark shadow moved in behind The Squid cutting him off from the rig’s headlamps. He turned suddenly expecting a person to be right behind him but it was just Ogre coming with the forklift. It was an odd feeling; he would have sworn someone was there but he didn’t see anyone.

  Ogre drove the forklift to the furrow and with a bit of skill and luck, got the forks under one end of the big cigar. He was pleased. “This sucker is light! I was afraid I couldn’t pick it up. This is great! I’m gonna use the straps to put it on the trailer.”

  “You know Ogre man, what if this is, you know, just one of ours, or it’s a missile or something. Maybe we shouldn’t even be touching it. Like what if it goes off or something?”

  Ogre spun one end of the cigar out of the furrow and started on the other. “Squid, if it was gonna blow it would have done that already when it hit the Utah Tree and the ground. It’s not a missile, it is the skateboard of the gods my friend. You never read Daniken?”

  “No, I never read Daniken, come on man this might be dangerous and what if the army shows up?”

  “Salvage rights, Squid. They’re probably on their way but we got here first and if we take it, they’ll probably just think it took off again or that it’s not their problem to deny to the TV watching zombie public anymore.”

  The Squid shook his head. “They don’t forget stuff like this, Ogre man.”

  Lights appeared on the highway and a car slowed to look at them. It was an older man in a yellowed Buick. “Do you need help?”

  The Squid and Ogre looked him over, back to the gleaming silver craft caught in the big rig’s headlights and back to the old man. “No, we’re good.”

  “What is that? Some kinda airplane?”

  “Yeah, something like that.”

  “Anybody hurt?”

  Ogre looked at The Squid who was covering his face in his hands. “No Sir, its fine, it’s just a model for a movie.”

  “Oh? Which one?” asked the old man, excitedly.

  “The next Star Wars.”

  “Never heard of it,” said the old man, frowning. He threw his car into gear and drove off.

  “And a good day to you, Sir,” said Ogre, waving the old man off dismissively.

  “See, now there are witnesses that we messed with the Tree,” said The Squid. “We gotta get outta here.”

  Attaching a long strap about one end, Ogre set to pulling the craft out of the furrow. “Relax Squid, he thinks it’s all part of a movie and that’s the end of it. Like Freud said, sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to make a salad.”

  “What? Are you high?”

  Ogre pushed his aviators up from the end of his nose and gave a condescending look awash with disapproval. “Egg salad, Squid. Don’t be naïve.” Ogre finished tying off the strap and spun the craft fully out of the furrow. He then slowly drove it up to the trailer bed and lowered the forks gingerly, placing the craft on the deck. It didn’t roll thanks to a few two-by-four nubs catching it along the center.

  The Squid looked the cigar over and said, “He did ask one question right. What if there is someone hurt inside this thing?”

  Ogre raised his eyebrows well above his shades. “Nobody is hurt. I didn’t hear anyone crying for help, did you?”

  “No, but that doesn’t mean anything.”

  Ogre peered over the smooth silver craft again. “I don’t see any doors. Maybe it’s just robotic.”

  “So you jaw all you want about skateboards of the gods and now decide there is no chance of anything living inside?”

  “Hey! This is my first time handling one of these, Squid.” Ogre ran a hand along it. “It is cold. Maybe they’re frozen inside and this is like a deep freeze sleeping bag.”

  The Squid rolled his eyes at that. “Are you sure you want this thing at your brother’s then?” The Squid held his hands out wide for emphasis. “What if whatever is in the sleeping bag wakes up? What then?”

  “I was being facetious Squid, just like Immanuel Kant. It’s gotta just be a probe or something.”

  “And how does us taking it away help anything?”

  Ogre shrugged. “It helps us. I need to do this. For Mom. I’m going to make a fortune on this. Unless you’ve changed your mind and want in on this action? The choice is yours. Accept the golden goose or get out of the kitchen. What else do you have going for you as far as a nest egg is concerned?”

  The Squid looked about nervously and blurted out, “Look, I didn’t want to tell anybody yet, but the real reaso
n I gotta get to Denver by tomorrow afternoon, is Jeanie is gonna find out if she is pregnant and I wanna be there.”

  Ogre acted as if he didn’t hear and tossed a strap to The Squid. “Well, this will only be a minute, I need your help on the tie downs, come on.”

  “That’s all you’ve got to say?”

  Ogre stopped and pulled his shades down a hair, “What do you want me to say?”

  “How about maybe, congratulations? You’re going to be a father, that’s awesome, maybe? Something? Anything. You should be happy for me.”

  “Sorry Squid, I can’t relate, I’m shooting blanks myself. I suspect the whole father thing is overrated anyway. This is a helluva world to bring a child into.”

  The Squid stared at Ogre in shock for a moment, then nodded his head saying, “You’re an ass. I’m outta here.”

  Ogre, exasperated threw up his hands, “Sorry, Squid man, look I’m glad you’ll get to experience all that diaper shit and baby puke and nagging and settling down with a white picket fence and all that boring stuff. I guess I just didn’t want to see you fade away like that.” He looked away as if he was sad. “I thought more of you, Squid.”

  The Squid ran a hand alongside the bottom of the silver craft and snatched it back from the cold. “What the hell does that mean?”

  “Just what I said, I’m gonna miss you.”

  “Miss me? That’s not what you said.”

  “Yeah, I mean you’ll be rotting away at home and I’ll still be out here, a lone cowboy of the highways and you, you’ll be at home withering away is all.”

  “Is that what this is? You think you’ll lose me as a friend? I’m still gonna truck, Ogre.”

  Ogre wiped away a tear. “No, I’m fine. I know you’ll find something else to do, it’s all right, I’m sorry for what I said. I’ll be ok.” He snorted and spit before wiping away yet another tear.

  “I’m not playing your game Ogre. This isn’t about you.”

  “I’m sorry, Squid-man, I love you,” said Ogre, slapping Squid on the shoulder.

  The Squid responded in kind, saying, “Thanks. Jeannie and I are gonna be happy.”

  Ogre nodded, clapped Squid on the shoulder again and muttered under his breath, “Yeah. She’s made a lot of guys happy.”

  “What did you say?”

  “Nothing.”

  The Squid wheeled and punched Ogre in the nose. Blood shot from the big man’s nostrils.

  Ogre wiped blood from his face, grinned and punched back. Both men went down on the salt flats wrestling and cursing, kicking and spitting in anger. They missed the searchlight in the sky heading their way.

  3. Gimme Three Steps

  The Squid and Ogre beat each other black and blue. When the dust flying at them was far beyond a strong breeze they finally noticed the helicopter. A searchlight coated them like it was basting turkeys. A voice on a megaphone commanded, “Stay where you are! You are in violation of international law! Do not touch the TAV.”

  They each stood up to stare in amazement and Squid shouted into the wind, “What the hell’s a TAV?”

  “What’d I tell you, Squid? It’s the U.N and the Men in Black! They want to steal it from us.”

  “From us? We don’t own it!”

  The megaphone continued. “Lay down on the ground. Keep your hands on your head. Do not move!”

  “Like hell,” answered Ogre, defiantly taking a step forward.

  A three shot burst from an automatic rifle had each man drop to the ground immediately.

  “Try that again Fat Boy!” taunted the megaphone.

  The Squid and Ogre lay on their bellies on the salt flat. The helicopter backed away slightly from them and prepared to land on the side of the Utah Tree away from the direction it was leaning.

  “Thanks a lot man,” muttered The Squid.

  “I was just trying to tell you she gets around,” said Ogre.

  “No you, jackass! Not Jeanie! The feds! We’re going to jail.”

  “I need to do this. You with me? Look, I ain’t gonna let them take this from me and Mom.”

  The Squid scoffed. “I don’t think they’re giving us much of a choice here, Ogre.”

  Ogre got up. “I’m not gonna let them steal our investment. Just drive the rig! Get the hell out of here! I’ll hold them off!”

  The helicopter touched down amidst a swirling dust storm.

  “What how?”

  The megaphone barked at them, “Get back on the ground. We will fire!” Men barely visible against the search light jumped out of the helicopter and ran toward them.

  “Trust me, Squid! I can handle Iacocca’s goons!” shouted Ogre. “You just get our payload somewhere safe!” He pulled out a bowie knife and slashed the straps holding the craft. It dropped and hit the deck with an echoing gong. Ogre then threw his forklift in reverse. It kicked up dirt, racing backward into the dark.

  The Squid jumped in the cab and threw his rig in gear. He put the hammer down. Watching in the rearview mirror he could make out little against the gloom and blinding searchlight.

  Men were shouting, many had drawn weapons. Ogre leapt from the forklift as it careened backward, smashing into the already tilting Utah Tree.

  It was enough.

  The Tree made a terrible groan and leaned left then right and slowly fell, smashing the unmarked black helicopter into road pizza.

  “Two turds with one stone!” shouted Ogre, making a fist of triumph. Several shots in his general direction had him ducking and running to his truck.

  A few of the undisclosed men continued shooting at Ogre and his rig, but that stopped as the helicopter exploded in an amazing fireball that lit the night up like a cosmic Christmas tree.

  Ogre hopped into his cab and pulled away. Before he was out of earshot, he had to lean out the window and shout, “Suck it, Iacocca!”

  A few miles down the road, The Squid picked up his CB. “Ten-Ten Mud Hen, you got your ears on? This here is The Squid, come on back.”

  “10-4 Squid.”

  “What’s your twenty? I need to know what my back door looks like as far as Wendover goes. I am eastbound and down. Come on back.”

  “Copy that. Just passed the Bend-Over exit. Be aware there’s a lot of Po-Leese back here and maybe some cocaine cowboys on your back door too. Lots of them and some G.I. Joes too. Everybody is running eastbound.”

  “Much obliged, Mud Hen.”

  “10-4. Sides you got a triple digit truck. You’ll be all right. Just keep your nose clean.”

  “Ha! Copy that.”

  The Squid looked in his rear view mirror and worried about the bizarre craft. It wasn’t tied down or covered, soon as day broke everyone would see it plain as anything. And what if it vibrated or rolled right off the flat bed? It was round after all and the nubs along the edge couldn’t hold it in forever.

  Feeling like he had some distance between himself and the feds, he pulled off an exit and grabbed some tarps and straps from his truck-box. He threw the tarps over the top of the craft then the straps and cranked them down quick as he could. Oddly he could have sworn that thing had been cylindrical and symmetrical but now it appeared that the bottom was flat as it was resting gently on the bed and not capable of rolling at all. The Squid wondered a moment if it had squashed down a bit when Ogre had cut the straps and dropped it the last few inches into place. He touched the craft again expecting cold but it was no longer freezing, it was almost as warm as the trailer itself and just as solid.

  He thought he saw a shadow moving behind him again. Whipping around, he waved the flashlight in all directions looking for whatever caused that unnerving feeling of being watched. But there was nothing, just the wind rustling the yellow grasses beside the freeway in this wide open land at night.

  The bright moon overhead cast an eerie glow on the barren landscape. About to get in and drive away, bright lights bore down on him and, expecting the worst, The Squid raised his hands. A familiar horn blasting Dixie letting him know Ogre had cau
ght up.

  Ogre leaned out his window shouting, “Hey Squid! I showed those pukes! You should’a seen that!”

  “Damnit Ogre, you almost gave me a heart attack.”

  Ogre jumped out and gave The Squid a hug. “Did you see that? I put those jack booted sum bitches in their place! Hell’s yeah, I smashed their unmarked black helicopter!”

  “They’re gonna find us.”

  Shaking his head violently, Ogre said, “Not if we haul ass!”

  The Squid looked at the tarp covered craft. “I still don’t feel good about this.”

  “Had to be done Squid. They pushed us into this and now we’ve got to see it thru.”

  The Squid shook his head at that. “Maybe you should take my truck to your brothers and I’ll get to Denver as fast as I can before they know where we’re going. If we’re lucky they have no idea who we are.”

  “Yeah, about that earlier plan, Squid, my truck isn’t gonna make it. They hit my tanks and I’m almost bone dry and we need to haul ass so I’d better just ride with you and we leave my truck here. I’ll get another later after I’m a millionaire and Mom’s surgery of course.”

  “Of course. And when in the hell will that be? The feds are gonna impound it! They’ll know it’s yours.”

  Ogre walked around the side of the truck and opened the passenger door. “Well like you said, they can try. But I’ll have enough dough after this to get a new truck. I’m gonna take care of this, give me a minute to snag my plates. Dispatch be damned.”

  The Squid stared, as Ogre ran to the rear of his truck then quickly ran back to his cab. “What the hell are you doing?”

  “You ever been no-trace camping, Squid?”

  “What? No? What the hell is that?”

  Ogre pulled a bundle of dynamite out of his cab. “Get in your truck. I’m leaving no evidence behind; they won’t have any idea who we are. I’ll be disappeared like the real Jimmy Hoffa.”

  “You’re insane.”

  Ogre frowned as he lit the fuse on the blasting caps. “Please be mature about this. We have nothing to fear but . . . Oh shit run! Drive! I cut the fuse too short!”

  They raced to the cab and jumped in as The Squid slammed the gears to get the rig moving. They had just pulled away by a hundred yards when Ogre’s truck exploded. It was more shrapnel and sound than flames but a twisted chunk of metal flew smashing The Squid’s drivers side mirror. “Thanks a lot, idiot. Who knows what that did to my tarps or the craft.”