Living With No Regrets

by Jayton Young

  “That’s the way it’s supposed to be, but sometimes people can be so confused and upset about something, that they don’t think about it in that way.” Wanting to get off of the subject and make her son happy again, she started talking about Russell.

  “When your daddy thinks you’re old enough, and responsible enough, he’ll probably teach you to ride a horse.”

  Randy, with a new burst of energy, jumped up off Leigh’s lap and turned to face her. They ended up staying up another hour and a half talking about things Randy wanted to be able to do with his dad. He loved horses, so he was ecstatic about the horse ranch. Since he loved every sport he came across, and was good at it, she knew they would get along in that area, too.

  They would need that common ground. Leigh was depending on the fact that Russell had talked about wanting as many children as they could have since they both knew what it was to be an only child. He had been excited at the prospect of children.

  She hoped he still felt that way, because he was about to jump in the deep end of the pool with no experience.

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “You know I love you, right?”

  Russ and Leigh were at the senior prom and had been dating for two and a half years. She was in an ivory, strapless, corseted, gem studded gown with a bell shaped skirt. He was wearing a black tux with an ivory vest and tie.

  He had big plans for the night and had gone all out on her corsage and the after prom party that they would attend. Since their families knew each other, they had arranged for Leigh to spend the night in their guest room when the party – taking place in the barn of the Kennedy Horse Ranch – was over.

  “I love you too, Russell,” Leigh told him. “I fought it at first, but you knew how to worm your way straight into my heart and now I can’t get rid of you.”

  He laughed. “I hope you don’t want to get rid of me.”

  She pretended she was thinking, just to torment him a little, then broke into a smile that lit up her face. “Nah, I guess I can tolerate you for another seventy, eighty years or so.”

  Russ held her tighter as they slow danced to a fast tune. All of the other kids there just smiled; being used to Russ and Leigh always being off in their own little world. They were the ‘it’ couple throughout their time together, and everyone knew how committed they were to each other.

  “I guess I’ll have to live with what I can get.” Russ whispered in her ear. “Have you had a talk with your mom yet?”

  “She won’t give. She wants us to wait on marriage until both of us graduate college. She said that if our love is that strong, then it can wait a few more years.”

  “Love’s not the problem. You know that patience has never been a virtue of mine.” he said with a smirk. “I want you tied to me in every way possible. Barefoot and pregnant with my babies.”

  Leigh smacked Russ’ arm and he just laughed at her and raised an eyebrow.

  “What? I never said you couldn’t work.” He kissed her tenderly. “But if you work at home, then I’ll be able to see you more often; every chance I get. And I know myself around you, baby. You will stay pregnant. I want at least six kids; more if we can.”

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “Momma! Look!”

  Randy brought Leigh back to the present to look at the ground as their plane landed at Charlotte Douglas International Airport. Randy was doubly excited. He had never ridden in an airplane before, and the closer they got to Pine Grove, where he knew his father, mimi, grandma, and grandpa lived, the more he was hopping in his seat and couldn’t be still.

  “I see, sweetie. The light is on, so put your seatbelt on until we land and are stopped. Mark called this morning to say he was going to meet us here.”

  “Will I shee Daddy t’day?”

  “No baby,” Leigh was feeling very fatigued and lay her head back on the headrest of the seat after making sure Randy’s seatbelt was fastened correctly and tight. “Remember I told you it would still be a couple of days. I need to find him, talk to him, and then bring you to see him. Do you think you can wait just a few more days?”

  “Yesh Momma, but I wanna ride the horshiesssh and play football and shoccer and basheball…”

  “Randy! Slow down a little,” she said laughing, and a little worried, over his exuberance. “Don’t forget that your dad does work and can’t spend all day with you every day. You will have to spread the activities out some. You have a lifetime to be able to catch up.”

  Pouting a little, Randy questioned that fact. Leigh had always worked from home and had had the time to do whatever Randy wanted, whenever he wanted; and Mark was the same way with him. He had been spoiled with the attention of both of them and he was used to getting his way up to a limit.

  “Well Russell does work on the ranch, and from what I remember, he’s out working the horses from sun-up to sun-down some days. My job is an indoor job that I can do in my own time. Your dad has a schedule he needs to keep. And don’t forget that we’ll be going tomorrow to sign you up for kindergarten that starts the Monday after next.” She gently reminded him.

  *****

  Mark had been waiting for over an hour, but got to the airport early just in case the flight landed early. Leigh had not sounded too well on the phone earlier that morning and he knew she was trying to hide the fact that she was getting sick again. Mark had been through it all with his life partner, Charles, and knew all of the signs.

  Mark and Leigh had met while Charles and Leigh both were sick and receiving treatment for cancer. Charles had been eaten up with it in the end. When he first met her, Leigh had a light about her and an outlook on life that made anyone near her feel better. She had suffered from the breast cancer that ran in her family. After all the radiation, and a couple of surgeries, they had gotten all of the effected cells. That was close to five years ago and Leigh had been thriving since. What had made her situation so much worse, though, is that she had been pregnant when she was diagnosed and had to wait until she delivered to start any kind of treatment. It had spread so much more in that time, but Leigh had said that she would have it no other way because she had Randy as a result and he’d come out healthy.

  Randy had been born healthy and vibrant with no worries. Charles and Mark would babysit for Leigh during her treatments, and eventually they all moved in together. When Charles lost his battle and passed on, Mark, Leigh, and Randy became family. They expanded the web construction company she was running and ended up buying a house together.

  Everyone they had known in Sioux Falls had thought they were engaged and just hadn’t set the date yet. Mark was out of the closet, but Leigh needed all the support she could get from people, so he didn’t mind playing a role for her. She had paid for Charles’ treatment, unbeknownst to them at the time. Actually she paid all of their expenses and did all in her power to make the end the best and most comfortable Charles could have had.

  When Mark found out later, after having moved into the new house, and seeing some of the old mail and receipts in a box, he vowed to himself to always be there for her in any way he could. She was one of the sweetest, most generous people he knew. No matter what anyone did or said to her, she just smiled and went about her business. When he asked her about one particularly rude sales person in a store, she just said that she wasn’t anyone to be able to judge someone else. He might have been having a bad day, and normally would have been a very sweet person. She didn’t know, therefor she could not judge him for the small part she had seen.

  Leigh had eventually told Mark of what had happened to her. It was after her mother had spent a couple of weeks with them and had begged for her to go home and face a man named Russell. He had overheard Mary Leigh say that Russell would beat himself up once he knew the full story and the sooner she told him, the sooner they could all heal from the serious misunderstanding; but Leigh had refused saying he had sent back all the mail and had even changed his number to avoid contact with her.

  Mark was of two minds on the subject. On one h
and he knew that the man had a right to know he had a son, but on the other hand, he was the one refusing phone calls and not opening any of the mail she sent him. Leigh had told Mark that he had no room to judge Russell, because he only knew Leigh’s side of it. He didn’t know all of what had made a man so in love with someone humiliate her and turn everyone else against her, as he’d done.

  Looking at his watch after hearing the announcement that the flight he had been waiting for was landing, Mark realized it was ten minutes late. When he saw Randy and Leigh coming his way, he knew he’d been right. Leigh was sick.

  “How was the flight?” he asked as soon they reached him. Mark picked Randy up, but he immediately squirmed to get down so he could hold Leigh’s hand. Leigh kissed Mark’s cheek as he grabbed her carry-on bag. “Did shorty here get to have the window seat?”

  “I shat there, but the plane got too high, sho Momma changed with me.”

  Mark listened as Randy rambled on and on about their trip, but couldn’t stop glancing periodically at Leigh. He was saddened by how much weight she’d lost and how different she looked just in the week that he’d been down in Pine Grove.

  He would make sure she got the rest she needed and was stressed as little as possible; considering one of the first things she was going to be taking care of while being here was confronting her past.

  *****

  “He’s finally asleep.”

  Leigh had just put Randy to bed for the night, and she joined her mom and Mark in the kitchen for some hot chocolate. Since Mark had come early, there was not much for her to do; everything was all set up.

  “Did you schedule us in to talk to Doc Kennedy tomorrow?” she asked. She wanted to talk to the doctor herself and make sure her mother wasn’t trying to downplay how serious the cancer was this time. The doctor happened to be Russell’s Uncle.

  “Yes, but he’ll just tell you the same as he has me,” Mary Leigh sighed. “Just like last time, he feels like with removing the tumor and radiation, that it will kill off the new cancer with-out me losing…”

  Putting her hand over her mother’s on the table, knowing why she had paused in what she was saying, and Leigh just smiled. “I just want to hear for myself. For my piece of mind.”

  “Will you let the doc look you over?” Mark asked.

  “No Mark. I’m fine. I just had all the tests done last month, you know that.”

  “I know by looking at you that something ain’t right. You’re not telling me something.”

  “Look Mark,” Leigh was getting exasperated with having to explain to him. Especially in front of her mother; who had enough problems of her own. “I am okay. Right now my focus is on Mom and the situation with Russell and how to handle that. Anything else can and will wait.”

  Mark clenched his jaw in effort to drop the subject, but Leigh knew it was taking every ounce of self-control he possessed. He didn’t want to make it more difficult for Leigh or her mother.

  “Have you decided when you’re going to pay Russell a visit, and how you’ll tell him?” her mom asked. “I asked him to hear you out this one time.”

  “And you promised me back then to never interfere.”

  Sitting up, straightening her back, Leigh could tell her mother had taken offense to what she said, but it was the truth. Leigh felt like everything should be discussed between her and Russell only, seeing as they were the parents; and no one else should put their two cents in. Even her mother, who only had the best intentions.

  She felt righteous in the fact that she had tried for all of these years to reach him by letter, once his phone number changed, but he was the one ignoring her. She had done nothing wrong and didn’t deserve what she’d been though, but Leigh believed that everything in life happened for a reason, so she just went with it. Any time guilt crept up on her; she would push it back down and silence it. Her philosophy was to not look back. No Regretting things you couldn’t change.

  That never stopped the knowledge in her heart that she had been selfish and had kept Randy to herself for all this time. Especially this last year. She had a feeling time was becoming a more precious commodity than it was before, and she had taken advantage of every moment given her to be with her son.

  “I am not going to force my company on Russell,” she told her. “I figured sending a package with all of the photos of Randy, and the drawings he’s done for his daddy, would open Russell up to seeing me on his own. Otherwise, I know to pretend that we don’t know each other if we pass on the street. He has to make the first move this time.”

  “I do see your point, baby, but this is too important to let it keep going on as it has. I didn’t feel like it was interfering to ask him to do what he should have already done as a favor to me.”

  “That was blackmailing his good nature, Mother, and you well know it.”

  Leigh got up, picked up the empty mugs and walked to the sink, leaning heavily on it when she arrived. She was lightheaded, but it was nothing she wasn’t used to.

  Mark came up beside her, grabbing her elbow to guide her silently back to the table, and then went back to wash the dishes up and wipe down the counters. Leigh was grateful that he didn’t make a big deal of it. Her mom was looking off, her mind turned inward to her own thoughts, so she hadn’t noticed.

  “Will you ride around with me for my running around tomorrow after your appointment?”

  Jerked from her thoughts, her mother looked at her and smiled. Even after all of her sickness, Mary Leigh was still just as beautiful as Leigh remembered growing up. She had always idolized her mother and wanted to be just like her, but too many things had gotten in her way. She would never be as good of a woman as her mother was.

  “You know I will. It’ll be nice to get out and about,” she answered. “The neighbors are so nice, but they do everything for me like I’m an invalid. It is all much appreciated, but I would like to do things on my own every now and then, too.”

  “Well, just tell us when you feel that way, and we’ll get you out of the house.” Mark said as he finished up the dishes and wiped down the counters.

  Mary Leigh smiled again in thanks and turned back to her daughter. “What will we be doing?”

  “I need to sign Randy up for kindergarten since it starts in two weeks, and then we’ll stop by the florist and get Andre to deliver the package to Russell.”

  Nodding as she got up, Mary Leigh headed to bed for the night. It had been a long day for them all, but Leigh wanted to sit outside and just breath the clean fresh air for a bit to wind down. She headed down to the pecan tree in the back yard and sat in the glider swing that was situated underneath it.

  She didn’t want to admit it, but she was extremely nervous about talking with Russell. She knew what his reaction would be. She was still in love with him after all this time. He hated her though and didn’t need another reason to be angry at her. Even if the first reason he hated her wasn’t valid.

  One thing she wouldn’t do was to tell him what really did happen. Leigh would rather Russell hate her than to live with guilt and regrets. She tried to live life with no regrets, and she didn’t want to add to the regrets Russell already had because of loving her.

  Chapter 2

  “Son, me and your ma are finally leaving on that trip we been planning.”

  Russ was sitting at his kitchen table at five thirty in the morning, a few days later, with his father drinking coffee. They had just finished breakfast and were about to head out to begin their day out with the horses. There were mares from three different breeds ready to drop their foals any time, so they had to be ready.

  “Can’t you wait til the foaling season is over with? What’s the rush, Pop?”

  “Herb’s done lost the desire to do much since Darlene died.” He said slowly as he finished his coffee and stood to go wash the mug. “You know he was selling his house right?” He waited for confirmation from Russ before he continued. “Well, nobody was buying, and he was about to just say to hell with it, let ev
erything go belly-up and move into a retirement village he could afford on his social security. I told him it’s not right for somebody to lose everything they worked for with nothing to show for it, so I bought him out of everything. I figured I could update the house out of the nineteen fifties and probably sell it. He included the Winnebago he had bought for him and Darlene last year but never got a chance to use.”

  Russ’ mom was cleaning the counters from having cooked breakfast and decided to back her husband up. “If you’re gonna get mad at someone Russell, get mad at me. After this last heart attack James had, you know I’ve been trying to get him to slow down.”

  “Slowing yourself down I understand, but stoppin’ all together?”

  “We deeded this ranch to you when you graduated, Son. I was only workin’ it until you had time to get your family established, but you haven’t even tried since she left town.”

  “I don’t want to find anyone. I’m happy with things the way they are.”

  “Well then,” his dad smiled. “There nothing holding you back, or holding me here, any more.”

  “I need you, Pop. Ma, too.”

  “No…what you need is to hire a cook and another ranch hand or two to replace us.”

  They both stood and went to give Maggie, Russ’ mom, a kiss on the cheek and head out, but Russ stopped James from walking out so he could say something else.

  “It wasn’t fair for you to say that Pop, and you know it. I have never treated y’all like hired help, and that isn’t the reason I don’t want you to leave. Y’all are all I have. I just…can’t stand to lose y’all right now, that’s all.”

  His mother reached up and hugged him fiercely. “You’re not losing us. We’ll be back for all of the holidays, and we’ll call so much you won’t even know we’re gone.” Leaning back to look Russ in the eye, his mom asked, “Does this have anything to do with a certain unmentionable person that just moved back to town?”