Living With No Regrets

by Jayton Young

  “How’d you hear about it?”

  “I went to Mary Leigh’s last week and she told me. She said that she wasn’t that bad off yet, but that Lei…she needed help and support. Didn’t go into details because of everything, but wanted to warn us; seeing as how we feel about her.”

  “You mean how I feel,” then something she said hit him. “And why does she need help? She has that man that helps her do everything. Mary Leigh even said he’d be doing her running around for her.”

  “I don’t know why she needs help, like I said Mary Leigh didn’t give details, and no, I said what I meant. Your dad and me truly do sympathize with you, but as I have said in the past you have to forgive her,” She moved off to start putting the dishes up, but finished saying what she had already told him a thousand times over the past several years. “You’ll never be able to find your own happiness until you do, so don’t do it for her. Do it for yourself.”

  “Come on Son, let’s get to work. We won’t be leaving til next week anyway, so we’ll be here for the initial shock if you see her around.” Russ’ dad followed him out of the house after giving his momma another kiss. “I swore to your ma that I would not end up like our parents did. Run into the ground and dying before we have the chance to do the things we want to in life; go see places we wanted to see. Just that we wouldn’t wait til it was too late and one or both of us were gone. Ma’s getting’ nervous after me having three heart attacks and having had that stint put in. She said, and I agree, that we have devoted thirty years to you and loved almost every minute of it, but now it’s our turn.”

  Russ laughed. “I can see that, Pop. I guess I’m being selfish by wanting y’all to stay, so I won’t say anything else about you leaving.” After a moment of thinking over everything they said, He laughed again. “Y’all loved almost every minute?”

  “Yeah, well…there was a time or two we were disappointed in your decision, but we always loved you anyway.”

  “Yeah,” he said softly as they reached the first barn. “I disappointed myself with that one, but then I think about everything that happened and get angry all over again. I know, given the chance, I would probably do the same thing again. I get my hot headed temper honestly you know.”

  “True, but I overcame mine.”

  “How?”

  “Every time something happens to upset me in any way, I give it to God and he calms me. Same if I’m happy or celebrating; I give Him my thanks.” They started leading the horses out to the pasture. “You believe in God and go to church, and that’s good. You’re a good man. But one day you will examine your life and you’ll see what a difference it would have made if you lived your day to day with Him, too; if you had included Him in all aspects of your life.”

  That fed Russ’ thoughts for the rest of the morning. He had always gone to church with his parents every Sunday, and he tried to treat people with respect; as he liked to be treated. He really thought he was a good man. A Christian by heart, but he had his hang ups and he knew it.

  Russ had lost all faith in love and commitment. The mere mention of Leigh’s name seemed to send a dagger through his heart. It was like the pain of her betrayal never left him. When he found out what happened, he did a terrible thing and hurt more than just Leigh, not that he cared how she felt after what she’d done, but he’d been so hot headed and stubborn in his vengeance that he had made it where Mary Leigh only got to see her daughter, the only family she had left, a few times a year.

  Leigh was too embarrassed to come back to Pine Grove, so she made Mary Leigh go to her. He hated that for Mary Leigh, but was glad that he’d not had to see her face in years. Mentally slapping himself, Russ wondered how thinking of God and being a good Christian had led to thoughts about Leigh, and he got angry all over again; like he did every time she crept up in his thoughts.

  Leigh had left messages at first, but after tuning out the first message, he just deleted all others without listening. A couple of months later he changed his phone number and put an end to that.

  Then the letters began. At first they came every other day, and then they slowly started spreading out to where he only got one a month. It stayed that way until the last year and a half or so, then they stopped altogether. The only thing that changed in all that time of receiving the letters was that after about seven or eight months, it went from small lavender stationary envelopes to medium sized manila envelopes.

  Russ didn’t know what Leigh put in any one of them. He had returned them all to her un-opened. There wasn’t even the faintest hint of curiosity in him…until they stopped. He had made it a point, after the third month of not receiving anything, to go by Mary Leigh’s house to check on her. He casually worked things into the conversation to try to get a hint of what was going on with Leigh, but all he gleaned from the conversation was that she was still alive. The fact that he had needed to know about her had pissed him off.

  At lunch time, Russ and his dad headed in for the hardy meal his mother usually made for them. He was thinking about the fact that he would have to advertise for a cook and hated that his mom was right. He hadn’t meant to make her feel like that, but maybe he had taken her for granted.

  Over the meal, he apologized to her; saying it had never been his intention, but of course she just laughed it off.

  “If we made you feel bad, I’m sorry. We were teasing you. I’ve been cooking for everyone on this ranch since the day I married your dad. I love it and wouldn’t have had it any other way,” she said. “I’m just ready for a long vacation.”

  After the meal, just before Russ was to head out for the afternoon, his mom handed him a package.

  “Andre brought this this morning,” Maggie handed him an eight by ten thin box the size of a picture frame with a lavender stationary envelope affixed to the top of it. “He said he wasn’t going to deliver it for her, but Mary Leigh was with her and asked him to do it.”

  Though just the sight of the package both angered him and brought tears to his eyes he had to hide, he took it from her. “It’s alright, Ma. I promised Mary Leigh I would talk to her one time and listen to the shi…stuff she’s trying to spill. I might as well start now and get it over with.”

  Opening the attached letter first, Russ read it with his mom on one side of him and his dad on the other.

  Russell,

  I know that you think I have been calling and writing all of these years to seek forgiveness for a conceived offense against you, but I know you’ll never forgive me, or believe the truth, so that’s not the point.

  I have known something since two weeks before our wedding. I was going to tell you on our wedding night, but that never happened and of course you’d take none of my calls, nor open my mail. You’ll be even angrier with me, but I’m used to it. The only thing I ask is that you not be angry with my mother. I made her promise to never interfere, before I told her the reason why, knowing she would never go back on her word to me. She has raked me over the coals for years saying you needed to know.

  I agreed, but after being told that you never wanted me to step foot in town again, that you never wanted to see my face again, I was too cowardly to go against you. I do ask your forgiveness for that.

  “I never said that to her! When did she become such a liar? Was she always like that and I just didn’t see it?” Russ exclaimed.

  “Calm down, Son,” his pa said.

  His mother rubbed his back to help calm him down as she had done when he was little. “She was such a good girl, and she came from a good family. How was anyone to know?”

  He finished reading.

  Mother told me what she asked of you, but I leave that up to you. I don’t want to force my presence on you, but there is someone you need to meet. I have told him all about you and he is excited to meet you.

  We spend every day from 1-4pm outside. Living back here we’ll spend that time at the pond in the woods behind Mother’s house. Please come and meet him. Don’t make him suffer because you hate me so m
uch.

  I sent you some of the things I’ve tried to mail to you over the years. Please take a look.

  Leigh

  “Why can’t the damn woman just come out and say what she needs to say,” Russ was so frustrated with the vague and cryptic letter, he didn’t filter his language as he tried to do around his mom. “I already met her boy toy, though I thought he was gay. He didn’t seem all that excited to meet me.”

  “I wonder what she meant by ‘conceived offence’?” His ma questioned softly, but he didn’t really care.

  “Open the box, boy, and see what’s in it. I always wondered why she kept on sending stuff.”

  Russ fingered through the tape holding the edges and lifted the lid. In the back of his head he heard the sounds of surprise coming from his parents, but he was in shock himself staring at a stack of photos of a boy ranging from his birth to about the age of four or five years old; and the boy could have been Russ when he was that little. He was the spitting image of him. He and Leigh had a son.

  Russ fumed as he got into his truck to head over to Mary Leigh’s house. He’d spent a good hour of ranting and raving before sitting in shock for another hour. He had a son. Russ just couldn’t wrap his head around it.

  There was a DNA report in the box under the pictures that he could take for comparison to his own if he wanted, but he and his parents agreed that there was no denying this little boy being a Kennedy with his red hair and green eyes and all of Russ’ facial features.

  He was now to the point that he was furious with Leigh for keeping him from his son for so long. How could anyone do that? The boy needed a father, and there was no telling what influences he’d been around for all of these years. It never entered his head; his part in not returning calls and letters, just that she could, and should, have come back like he’d spent the first year secretly wishing she would.

  Needing gas, Russ stopped about halfway there to fill his tank. When he went in the little country store that some friends of the family owned; Maybelle, his mom’s good friend, came straight to give him a hug.

  “We were just talkin’ ‘bout that Jezebel havin’ the nerve to move back here,” she said. “Especially since she was told not to come back here.”

  Russ was shocked by the revelation. He had been so angry and distraught; he refused to listen to anything having to do with Leigh. Now he was seeing it might have been a mistake. It still didn’t let her off the hook, but he didn’t want her to be shunned. Nobody deserved to have to live that way. Even someone like Leigh. This was the first time anyone had bothered to mention her in his presence for years, so He hadn’t known how bad it really was.

  “Who told her to not come back?” he asked calmly, not to show his irritation at the whole thing.

  “You know…I really don’t know,” Maybelle said as she went back to the other gossips standing at the counter. They all were looking at him like his dog just died. “It just went around that no one would have to worry about seeing her again. Said it had been made very clear that she was no longer part of us, and shouldn’t show her face here again.”

  “Don’t worry,” one of the other ladies chimed in. “We all have your back. I heard that the girl tried to sign her child up for school this morning, but Principal Peters set her straight saying it was too late for sign up and that either she found other arrangements or the courts would be called in for negligence.”

  “How can she do that?” he asked. “It’s not a private school, so they have to make space for the kid.” Russ didn’t mention that it was his son they were denying the education to. They’d find out soon enough. “Not only that, but the boy ain’t to blame for what his momma did.”

  “That’s true. Children must not be made to pay for their parent’s sins,” Maybelle agreed.

  The whole conversation had only added to Russ’ frustration. He had such mixed feelings on everything.

  He had always wanted children. Worse yet, he’d always wanted them with Leigh. He’d given up on that dream years ago, but now here it was. He was a father. By Leigh. The woman who broke his heart.

  He actually calmed as he got back in his truck and finished his trip to Mary Leigh’s after filling up. He didn’t like the feeling he got about the boy, his son, being given a hard time at school.

  Did his son know about him? Had Leigh told him about the real him, or had she spread her lies. Would his son even like him?

  Russ pulled into the driveway where he saw the brawny housekeeper washing what must have been Leigh’s SUV. Taking a deep breath, Russ got out as the man, Mark, came over to greet him.

  “How are you today?” he asked politely as he shook Russ’ hand.

  “I’ve had better days.”

  Mark looked down and fiddled with the towel in his hand. “I know you don’t know me from Adam, and from your standpoint none of what’s going on is my business, but please hear me out.”

  Russ’ ire, which he’d worked hard to stamp down, flared back up. He thought for a minute before he spoke. “I agree that’s it’s really none of your business, and she probably told you nothing but lies, but what the hell…go ahead.”

  “If you, who spent all of your formative years around Leigh, don’t want to acknowledge what a truly exceptional woman she is, it’s your loss; but you know deep down that she isn’t like that.” He started back to the Yukon and Russ followed him without thought. “Anyway, all I was going to ask is that you take it easy on her.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “She’s had a really hard day today, and she is trying to hold it together for Randy, so please try to at least not argue in front of him.”

  Russ answered that with no thought. “I would never make a little boy suffer like that.”

  Turning to head into the house, Mark stopped him when he spoke again. “She said to tell you she was taking Randy swimming in the pond.”

  He had forgotten that part in the letter. If they were swimming, it meant she would have taken him to the other side of the pond where a small dock was. He was about to start walking again, but then figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask. “Does he know about me?”

  Mark smiled a sad smile. “He has a list of things he wants to do with you already. You’re his hero.”

  That sentiment left Russ feeling more confused than ever. Maybe Leigh realized what a mistake she had made and this had been her way to make up for it. He didn’t know, but if what Mark said was true, then he had to be a little bit grateful to her. Even if she had kept their child away from him, at least she had built Russ up in his son’s eyes where it would be a happy meeting.

  Coming to the edge of the clearing where the pond was, Russ’ first sight was of Leigh. She was still as beautiful as ever, but she had lost so much weight. Never having been big to begin with, the loss was a little startling. She wasn’t exactly ‘boney’, but was getting close. Had she become one of those obsessive dieters? Leigh had never cared about that in the past, so he highly doubted it now.

  Even so, she was still as gorgeous in his eyes as she ever had been. He felt a twinge of guilt at what she was going through in town when he noticed the circles under her eyes. She had obviously been missing out on her sleep. She never could sleep very well when something was troubling her. He wondered if that was still the same. What all had changed in the years she’d been gone? Why did he care?

  Leigh was standing on the dock, holding a towel, looking out over the pond. All of a sudden there was a splash right in front of her in the water, but Russ couldn’t see who it was.

  “Randy!” Leigh giggled and it was like heaven’s bells ringing for Russ’ ears; which sent him into his bad mood for still reacting to this woman like that. “You scared me son, please don’t go under for so long again.”

  “I was practishing for Daddy. You shaid he wash really good.” A little voice came out of the water, and then Russ caught his first live glimpse of his son as he climbed onto the dock where his mother was standing. “I want to be ash good as
h him.”

  “Your dad is very good, but it took time and hard work for him to get like that; a lot of practice. You have to be patient.”

  Leigh took the towel and rubbed the little boy dry and then wrapped the towel around him. Mark and Leigh had both called him Randy.

  Randy looked up and straight into Russ’ eyes as Russ left the shelter of the trees after having rounded the pond. “Daddy!” he yelled and left his mom’s side to come running over to where Russ stood motionless. He’d been forewarned; granted just barely, but still seeing his son in person was a shock to the system.

  At that moment, Russ was overwhelmed with love for his son and hatred for Leigh for keeping him from Russ for all of this time. Randy’s words had not passed him over. He loved his dad and wanted to be like him. Russ was so proud and thanked God for watching over Randy until he could be there with him.

  “Do you like me, Daddy?”

  That one question brought tears to Russ’ eyes, and he looked over to an already tearful Leigh in blame as he knelt down and took his son in his arms.

  *****

  The accusation in Russell’s eyes, as he held Randy and reassured him, cut Leigh as deep as anything he’d done so far, but she could live with it as she had everything else. Russell’s reaction to Randy was the important thing out of all of this.

  She stayed where she was and just sat down in one of the lounge chairs set up on the dock. They walked around and talked for a minute before Randy dragged Russell over to Leigh.

  “Mommy! Daddy shaid he wush going to get me in school here. You don’t hafta get a teacher for me.”

  “That’s real nice sweetie, but wouldn’t you rather have a private teacher come out just for you?”

  “No! I wanna go wit udder kidsh.” Randy wasn’t one to beg and pout for things, so Leigh knew he must really want to go to school for him to act that way. Especially since he’d just met his father.