Living With No Regrets

by Jayton Young

  “Randy, don’t speak to your father that way.” she told him softly. “And Daddy didn’t make me cry, sweetie. We were just talking about some sad stuff. Now apologize.”

  Randy walked over to where his dad was sitting with a worried look on his face; probably worried about what he would say.

  “I apogogize Daddy.” he said looking down.

  Russ hid the smile threatening to break out from hearing his son try to apologize, but he knew that he needed to take it seriously.

  “It’s okay, buddy. You were just looking out for your momma. That’s a really good thing to do. It shows me just how big of a boy you are.”

  He knew he’d said the right thing by Leigh’s glowing eyes and the huge grin on Randy’s face before he hugged him and went back to Leigh’s lap.

  “Randy, why don’t you go swim some more while I finish my talk with Daddy.” Seeing his hesitation, she added on. “I promise I won’t cry again.”

  Seeming alright with that, he kissed her cheek and ran back to the water.

  “You are so good with him.” she said; speaking quietly again so little ears wouldn’t hear. “I knew you would be, but it makes me so happy to see it. You two will be very close, I think.”

  Leigh was smiling when she said that, and she looked content, but there was a hint of sadness that came with it. Russ was getting more and more worried. It must be bad if all of the little signs he was picking up weren’t just imagination. He wanted to know, but didn’t have a right to ask about any of it.

  “I’m going to Charlotte for the weekend to get the full battery of tests done so my new Oncologist can decide what my options are.” Leigh said all of that while looking out over the water, watching Randy who was just splashing around at the bank. He didn’t know if she was actually just that attentive, or if she was avoiding his eyes, but he did feel like she was leaving something out. “I just told Mother and Mark last night, though Mark had his suspicions before then, and of course Mother didn’t take it too well. They’ll be coming with me and getting a hotel room for Friday and Saturday nights. They said they’d spend the days with me.”

  “What hospital?” was all he could ask while trying to sort through all of the turmoil going on in his head.

  “Presbyterian.”

  “Will you call me and let me know what they say so I don’t have to wait for you to get back?”

  “If I can’t, I’ll get one of them to.” Leigh looked down at her lap, took a deep breath and let it out, then finally looked at Russ. “It’s not in my breast this time.”

  “Where is it?” he was terrified of the answer, and when he heard it, it took everything he had not to break down and rail at the world.

  “I have a brain tumor.”

  All the breath in his body left him. Russ’ mind just couldn’t comprehend what Leigh had just said, but his heart had heard. Blinking back the tears so they wouldn’t escape, he jumped up from his seat on the grass beside her and he turned his back to try to compose himself. That’s when his breath came back in a choking rush. This time he couldn’t breathe because he was hyperventilating.

  “Daddy?”

  Russ heard the concern in his son’s voice coming from the edge of the water he’d been playing in, but he couldn’t turn around and respond.

  “Just wait, baby. Daddy will be getting ready to join you in moment.” he heard Leigh tell Randy. The next moment, she was standing in front of him, looking up into his face. “Breathe with me Russell. You have to calm down.”

  Russ couldn’t help himself. He grabbed Leigh into a bone crushing hug, burying his face in the crook of her neck taking deep breaths. The thought that he might be hurting her flashed through his mind, but he just had to feel her for a moment. He needed her to calm his racing heart and match his breathing with hers, as she’d requested, to be able to get air into his lungs. Russ needed to feel the life in her; to know and remember that she was there with him.

  She slid her arms around his back loosely, after a few seconds of standing stiffly, and whispered in his ear.

  “It’s going to be alright, Sprout.” she said, trying to make her voice sound light hearted. He knew she was just trying to get him to smile, and her using her old nic-name for him – she used to call him Russell Sprout in mock of the brussel sprouts he hated so much - almost accomplished that. He let his arms loosen up, without letting go, as she pulled back to look up at him and when she spoke, her tone had changed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just blurted it out like that.”

  Russ both heard and saw the regret coming from her and was surprised after what she’d told him the other day. He had to swallow past the lump in his throat a couple of times before he could speak. “No regrets, remember? That wasn’t something you could break to someone easily. It’s like ripping a band-aid off; you just have to do it, or in this case you just have to say it. How’s your mom taking it?”

  “She’s my mom.” she said. “I imagine she reacted as any mother would. I came here to help her while she went through treatment again and hadn’t planned on telling her so soon, but it’s not right to keep that kind of secret from people who’ll be so affected by it. The cancer came on quickly this time, and the doctors are afraid it will be a rapid growth.”

  “Daddy! Come on!”

  They looked over at Randy and he seemed to be trying to catch the fish with his hands. Leigh looked back at him. “Go play and occupy your mind for a while. We’ll talk more later.”

  “Why don’t you stay the night at my house?” When it looked like she would decline, he rushed on. “I live in the guest house and it has three bedrooms. You’ll have your own room and we’d be able to talk more after Randy goes to bed.”

  After thinking for a moment, and looking over at Randy, she nodded. “Alright. I’ll call Mark to bring me a bag over.”

  “Invite him and your mom over for dinner. Ma would love to see Mary Leigh again.”

  She nodded and Russ headed over to his horse and took off the clothes he had covering his swim trunks as he watched Leigh make a phone call and Randy was standing with her, waiting for him to come play, but he had to get control of the emotions that had been on a roller coaster ride for several days. Ever since he found out Leigh was coming home.

  He’d been drowned in rage and anger for years that had taken turns with confusion and hurt over what he’d thought had happened. When he saw her all of that had switched up with the love he hadn’t realized was still there, confusion on what had happened and what was happening, guilt at knowing all of the shit he’d caused like turning the town on her - however unintentional – he’d not thought of the consequences of his actions back then, but it had ultimately kept him from his son. It was his fault, not hers. Guilt, regret, love, and loss were the prominent emotions at the moment.

  When Russ had his ‘game face’ on and knew that he would be able to entertain his son, he headed over, threw Randy over his shoulder and giving Leigh a sad smile, and carried him to the pond.

  He swam and played with Randy for a while, his mind concentrating on his son instead of what Leigh had revealed just as she’d hoped for, when he glanced over and saw that she was asleep on the blanket he’d laid down for her to sit on. When Randy noticed, he headed out of the water.

  Russ tried to stop him. “Don’t wake her up, son. She needs rest.”

  “I’m not, Daddy. I’m jusht going to turn on the mushic on her phone. It helpsh her shleep better.”

  He nodded and watched as Randy did just that. By the time he was running back into the water where Russ was waiting for him, the song that had started to play made him want to smile and cry at the same time. When it first came out, Russ had told Leigh that it was true in the fact that she made him want to be a better person, and that made him want to smile because she had made his life better back then. He wanted to cry now because ‘The Reason’ by Hoobastank now represented all the wrong he’d done to her in the past few years. Things he’d do just about anything to change if he coul
d. As Randy started splashing about, he sang along with the lyrics in his head.

  I'm not a perfect person

  There's many things I wish I didn't do

  But I continue learning

  I never meant to do those things to you

  And so I have to say before I go

  That I just want you to know

  I've found a reason for me

  To change who I used to be

  A reason to start over new

  and the reason is you

  I'm sorry that I hurt you

  It's something I must live with every day

  And all the pain I put you through

  I wish that I could take it all away

  And be the one who catches all your tears

  That’s why I need you to hear

  I've found a reason for me

  To change who I used to be

  A reason to start over new

  and the reason is You

  Russ played with Randy for a couple of hours while Leigh took a nap. When one of the ranch hands came to inform him that Mark and Mary Leigh were there, he and Randy got out, dried off, and dressed before waking her up. She sat up and looked around. Russ thought that the shadows under her eyes had lightened up just a bit and was glad he’d decided to let her sleep.

  She looked at them both ruefully but spoke to Randy. “I’m sorry I fell asleep, baby. I missed you swimming with your daddy.”

  He threw his arms around her neck. “That’sh okay Momma. We had fun.” He backed up and looked at her. “Did you shleep good, Momma? I put your mushic on.”

  “I know, baby. I think that’s why I did sleep so good. Thank you.”

  Leigh’s face was strained as she stood up and then bent over to pick up the blanket. Russ knew she was in pain but was trying to hide it, so he rushed over taking the blanket and folding it. He held her elbow with his free hand as they headed to the horses. After putting the blanket back in the saddlebag, he helped Leigh up by picking her up around her waist and lifting her up and onto Misty’s saddle.

  “Do you want to ride with me or your Mom?” he asked Randy.

  “I’ll ride with Momma.”

  The whole ride back to the main house they talked about everything and nothing. Russ thought about how he would love to be able to do this with his family every day. And Leigh was part of his family just as much as Randy, his parents, and even Mary Leigh. He decided on that ride to do all in his power to win her back while keeping in mind that he might have damaged their relationship beyond repair, but he didn’t think so. They were soul mates. He had made the biggest mistake six years back, but he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and had to hope he still had a chance. Or at least every minute of the rest of her life, if that’s all he had. He would spend it with her in whatever capacity she allowed; be it husband, friend, or just her child’s father. Any moment with Leigh was better than without her.

  Chapter 7

  Leigh was so very happy.

  She’d not felt like that about anyone except Randy in a long time; not having realized that she’d kept Mark – and even her mother – at a distance for so long. She trusted Mark. She did. But she’d been afraid that he and her mother would get hurt by associating with her and being around her. Her name was mud in Pine Grove, she had people who had lied to her to keep her away for so long, and she had an obsessed, insane stalker who wouldn’t leave her alone until she or he was dead; which with her tumor might be sooner rather than later. Why put anyone else in the mix of that?

  Now, sitting here with her family and the Kennedys, like they had back when things were good, it was as if the past six years hadn’t happened. She could get spoiled by this, but didn’t want to read too much into it. She was just Randy’s mother, no longer a future Kennedy, but she was going to soak up all of the contented happiness she could, while she could.

  The tumor that had been found in her last round of tests had been on her temporal lobe affecting her memory and even sometimes her hearing. She had taken to keeping a daily journal that she wrote down all that had happened that day - at least what she could still remember by the end of the night – and pictures, if she had them, so she would know and remember things for the next day. She would read it every morning when she woke to find it on her nightstand.

  When they had confirmed that the tumor was malignant, her oncologist suggested a doctor in Charlotte, NC; especially when he found out she was moving to South Carolina anyway. It was only a couple of hours away. She had bought a house in the same area as the hospital she would be spending time at. That way whoever was with her wouldn’t have to worry about hotels.

  Presbyterian Hospital had a cancer treatment center attached within its network that had the newest technology and treatment plans for cancer patients. In her case, if the new oncologist deemed her a potential candidate for the new laser surgery for the removal of brain tumors that have not yet metastasized, she would have the surgery and then an intense chemotherapy treatment, lasting at least a month, at two to three sessions a week. She had a long fight ahead of her, but had decided to let everyone who cared for her know so they could help in any way they felt useful. She felt like keeping it a secret was the same as lying, and she hated lies.

  That day had been wonderful for her. She knew she shouldn’t have just blurted things out, as she’d done to Russell, but had decided that he needed to know everything because he would be taking a more active role in raising Randy now and would be spending a lot more time with him since she’d be making regular trips to Charlotte. She would have many overnight stays, and maybe more than just overnight, but Randy couldn’t miss school, so he’d have to stay with Russell all of those times. Maybe Russell could bring him to visit on weekends if he could get away from the ranch for that long. After talking with him, and spending the day as a family, Leigh didn’t think he would mind. He and James were actually talking about hiring a couple of new hands for the ranch so they would have more time to spend catching up on all the years they missed with Randy.

  “If you could do that,” Leigh added. “That would be great. I promised Randy that I would take him to Disney World for Christmas vacation. We’re doing the Land/Sea package where we have three days on land in any of the Disney parks that we choose, and four days at sea on a cruise to the Bahamas. I was hoping all of you would like to join us.”

  Randy got so excited when she brought it up; he started bouncing in his seat and begging them to go too. “It’ll be my whole family! Pleashe go with us!”

  “The whole trip is paid for. All you’d need to do is take spending money.” she further informed them. “If Mother or I are too ill to go, though, it would be rescheduled for another time. That would be the only factor to change anything.”

  “You’ve already bought our tickets?” Maggie asked.

  “Yes. I had high hopes on y’all’s reaction when I got here.” Leigh took a deep breath, preparing for what she needed to say. She glanced at Mark and then her mother before turning back to face James, Maggie, and Russell. Randy was sitting right beside her, just listening to the conversation. She knew he was hoping they would go on the trip with them and was waiting to see what was said. “I want to apologize to all of you. I told Russell the other night that I try to live life by not looking back and wishing to change things, by letting go of hurt and anger and not holding grudges. Have no regrets, because everything that has happened had made me the person I am and has gotten me to where I am in life right now.”

  “That’s a good way to look at it. Makes life easier, doesn’t it?” James commented.

  “Yes it does, but spending today with Russell and Randy I realized something.” She looked over to Russell and addressed the next bit to him. “I was bitter when it came to you. I had felt betrayed by you when you didn’t trust me enough to at least hear me out. I felt like if you’d loved me as much as you said you did then you would’ve given me that chance. I held on to that all that time. I let the bitterness grow whe
n you changed your phone number and each time I got my letters returned to me. I didn’t let it go; not even when I decided to move here a couple of months ago, and I apologize for that. It makes me a hypocrite because I faulted you for the same thing.”

  It took Russell a moment to answer her. She could see that she’d moved him with her apology.

  “I accept, but there’s really nothing that you need to apologize for. It’s human to feel like you did. You were justified in feeling that way, when the whole time I was holding a grudge against you that I no longer believe you deserved. We’ll talk more later.”

  She nodded and returned to the original issue. “I paid for eight Disney tickets hoping that y’all would come, and I made sure that I would be able to reschedule if Mother or I weren’t in the shape to go at that time, but it’s giving us both time for our surgeries, treatments, and recovery time. I also bought eight season passes to Carowinds, though they’ll only be open until the end of October. I figured that if y’all wanted to, you could drive up to Charlotte with Randy some of the times that one or both of us will be there getting tests or treatments.”

  “You keep talking about both of you,” Maggie said slowly, almost carefully. “I knew Mary Leigh’s cancer was back, but I didn’t know you were sick again.”

  Leigh turned to her mom when she heard her try to choke back a sob. She rubbed her back softly as she answered Maggie. “I hadn’t told anyone until recently. Randy knew I was sick and asked me to go to the doctor. I kept getting migraines, and would try to hide it from him and Mark, but Randy noticed. I had the battery of tests done, unbeknownst to Mark and Mother. I wasn’t due for my annuals until September.” Randy reached over and grabbed her hand, and she realized she was shaking. Tears clouded her vision when she thought about how much her five year old son was having to age beyond his years because of her. “They found a tumor on my temporal lobe. I had already made the decision to move here, so Dr. Klein, my oncologist, recommended a doctor here that works at the Cancer Center through Presbyterian in Charlotte. I check in tomorrow for the tests that they need to do here. Dr. Klein feels I will qualify for a new type of surgery and treatment that they offer there.”