Living With No Regrets

by Jayton Young

  “I swear to you that, since the first time you said yes to going on a date with me in high school – before that even - there has been nobody else for me either.” He figured it would be good to get everything out in the open. Even if she didn’t remember the next day, he would never lie to her. “As betrayed as I felt, and as angry as I was with you, I couldn’t look at anyone else.”

  At his admission, Leigh used the hands she had resting on him to balance herself as she stood up on her tiptoes. When he saw what her intention was, he bent down to meet her halfway and the kiss that had started in the kitchen resumed with a higher heat level, but when Russ started to slide her t-shirt up her ribs to be able to pull it off, she back up.

  “I’m not the same as I used to be,” she said in a shaky voice. “I’ve had surgeries and treatments…”

  Releasing her shirt again, Russ places a finger over her mouth. “Nothing could make you any less beautiful than you’ve always been to me, but if you aren’t comfortable doing this, then I understand. I don’t want to force you into anything. I’d wait forever for you to be ready for me.”

  Leigh shook her head and let out a shuddering breath. “N-no…I want to. I just don’t want you to be disappointed in me.”

  “I promise you that that is not possible.”

  He watched as she made her decision and took off her shirt and unhooked her bra. He was right, she was just as beautiful as ever, but he wanted to cry as he realized what she’d been afraid of.

  Chapter 12

  When Leigh slid her bra down her arms, she couldn’t bring herself to look into Russell’s face. For a moment, his hands froze on her shoulders where he’d been following the path of her straps. When she heard his breath hitch, she finally looked up. Knowing he didn’t see the awe that was shining on her face, she watched as he focused on the scar that used to be her right breast, his left hand went down and delicately traced over where her it used to be before he looked up.

  “You are so beautiful, Leigh,” he whispered. “And nothing will ever be able to change that.”

  A sob escaped her and she realized that she had been holding her breath, dreading that he would think her as hideous as she saw herself when she looked in the mirror. But he was so earnest and sincere. He truly saw her as beautiful.

  “I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you when this happened, but I promise that I will be there for you from here on out if you’ll allow me to be.” He seemed to be unaware that he was still tracing the scar as he spoke, but it was making Leigh break out into goose bumps and sending tingling shivers through her body just to heat her up in her most intimate places. “They had to do this because you had to wait so long to do treatment?”

  “Yes.”

  He bent down and delicately placed his lips over hers, then worked his way down her jaw and collar bone to end up on the scar. “This is a part of who you are, but it does not define you,” he said after kissing across it. “You are the same hardworking, fun-loving, kind hearted woman as you always have been. That is what defines you. That is what makes you beautiful. Your gorgeous face is just the icing to top it all.”

  Overcome with his heartfelt and sincere statement, Leigh put her arms back around Russell’s neck and pulled him down for another passion filled kiss. This one had an urgent, desperate feeling to it. She grabbed his shirt and pushed it up to take it off of him, him bending down the help her reach better, their lips only separating long enough to get it over his head before meeting again.

  When her hands made it back to his chest to run along his pecks and six pack, she couldn’t stop the giggle that sounded around his tongue that was still in her mouth.

  He backed off just a little to cock his eyebrow in question as he said, “It’s kind of a blow to a man’s ego when a woman laughs while he’s kissing her.”

  “No. I didn’t mean…” she giggled again while looking where her hands were rubbing. “Still mowing the lawn, I see.” It felt real good to be able to tease him again.

  Leigh had always found it amusing that Russell was obsessed with being hairless in certain areas, he would wax his chest and legs. He used to tell her it was because it was itchy and uncomfortable when he was sweating during practices and games of whichever sport he was doing at that moment, but he didn’t have that excuse anymore.

  “Hey,” he said, sounding offended, but the humor she saw on the edges of his mouth and in his eyes belied his tone. “I still sweat a lot when I’m out doing chores on the ranch.”

  Before she could tease him further, he feathered his lips across hers again. It started off soft, like he was worshiping her with his mouth, but it took a turn and passion erupted again. As Leigh trailed her fingers around his sides and up his back, Russell was still touching the scar and her breast, rolling the nipple between his thumb and forefinger sending a sharp line of pleasure straight to her core causing her to drop her head back and moan his name.

  She knew that his back would cramp up, Leigh wasn’t surprised when Russell lifted her up to where her face was level to her. Her fingers threaded into his hair, and she held his head so that the kiss wouldn’t end. Barely touching the floor on her tip toes, and quite uncomfortable, she hopped up and wrapped her legs around his waist. Russell immediately put his hands on her butt cheeks to carry her as he made his way over to her bed.

  Lying her gently across the bed, he slowly ran his hands down her jean clad legs to her feet to take her shoes and socks off. He kissed the arch of each foot before letting them fall to hang over the side of the bed. The slow care he was taking with her melted her insides like ice in a sauna. With his eyes never leaving hers, he slid his hands back up the outside of her legs. When he finally reached the waist of her jean, he unbuttoned them, grabbed them and her delicate pink laced panties and took them off her.

  He stood there for a while, just looking, and she started to feel self-conscious, so she lifted her hands to be able to cover herself as much as possible.

  “No!” he said as he stopped her. “I want to be able to see you. It’s been so long using just my imagination. Let me get my fill, please.”

  She tried to free her hands so she could touch him too, but he laughed and stopped her again. “If you touch me, I’m gonna blow. I want this to last.”

  A thrill spread throughout her body knowing that he felt that way still. She was very self-conscious about her body; missing her right breast and having a couple of scars from the different surgeries she’d had. He looked at her as if she were perfect and made her feel that way too.

  Russ just couldn’t believe that he was finally allowed to be with her again. For all of this time he’d been so stupid being angry and feeling betrayed when he’d known in his heart that Leigh wasn’t that type of woman. It came to him in an epiphany as he looked down at the angel beneath him. He’d been scared. He’d been scared that he didn’t deserve her and would lose her at some point that he threw her away before she could leave him. It was stupid and made him even less worthy now than he had been then to have her be a part of his life, but he would never throw her out again. Deserving or not, he had her back and would work every day to be worthy of her love and to make up for past mistakes and hurts.

  He didn’t move his eyes from hers as he lifted her leg up over his shoulder and bent over to suckle at her breast. When her breathing escalated, he kissed the scar that she saw as a blemish to her perfection. He only saw it as a mark of how strong she was to have endured everything she had been through. Vowing to himself that she would never have to endure anything without him again, he kissed up the hollow of her neck, up her jaw, and finally found his goal.

  After a kiss that seared his soul with her name, he looked into her eyes that were shining with tears and spoke from his heart.

  “I have loved you from the moment I met you,” his voiced broke as he tried to hold back the tears he felt welling in his own eyes. “I have been so stupid and have made so many mistakes that have hurt you. I deserve every bit of suffering I ha
ve endured because it was of my own making, but I am so sorry for everything I have put you through. If you will allow me, I will spend every minute of the rest of my days making it up to you and Randy.”

  As his tears fell with his words, so did hers. Instead of answering him, Leigh lifted her head to kiss his tears away as he wiped hers. She wrapped her legs around his hips and squeezed to guide him where she wanted him to go.

  As wet as she was in testament to how much she wanted him, he had to work himself slowly into her tight channel so as not to hurt her. Grabbing her hips to keep her in place, he rolled over bringing her on top of him so that she could set the pace. It was taking everything in him to be able to hold back. To feel her after all of this time was heaven to him and he wanted…he just wanted, but he didn’t want to go too fast or too hard and risk hurting her. She was so skinny and petite, he felt like he could snap her in half if he lost control. She wasn’t anorexic thin, but he had seen where she had trouble eating and knew it was because of the spot she said they found on her stomach.

  Wiping all of that from his mind, he moaned as Leigh sat up and started undulating her hips into a slow rhythm that was driving him insane. He slid his thumb to rub over her hard nub, hoping to drive her to orgasm before he did; or at least when he did. He wanted her to feel just as much pleasure as she was giving him.

  Her moans started getting louder and more frequent, and she bent over and melded her mouth to his. Their tongues dancing before she sucked on his, which he felt all the way to his groin sending over the edge. He held her in place as he lifted his hips, shoving every inch of himself home into her sheath.

  The orgasm went on and on, especially when he felt her tightening around him as she came. After a few moments, she fell down on top of him; nesting her head under his chin as they both fought to catch their breath.

  “No more talking of the past,” she said softly as her breathing leveled out. “Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. I love you.”

  He laid his hand on her cheek to encourage her to look at him and see the effect of what she’d said to him. That had been one of the things he’d said to her during his proposal seven years before. For a man that prided himself on his ability to hold on to his emotions, this woman had broken all of defenses twice in less than an hour. And he couldn’t be happier.

  “You are a wonder to me, Leigh, and I love you with everything I have in me.”

  She kissed him lightly before sliding off to the side, and he turned onto his side so they could look at each other as they talked. Leigh had mentioned that she didn’t want to sleep before heading to the hospital, so they just talked for hours about things he’d missed, not being around with Randy growing so far, though it wasn’t said that way. He’d told her how he and his father had expanded on the stables and started offering different programs to the community that has brought even more recognition to his ranch. He didn’t do it for the recognition though, he’d wanted the lower income families and children to be able to experience things they normally wouldn’t have.

  “Even with all of that, they still call me the bear of the county,” he said.

  “Why is that?”

  “Because I’m short tempered and cause a fuss when I don’t get my way,” he smiled ruefully. “I’ve been in a bad mood for the last few years. I was alright and just kept to myself until the pastor gave a sermon based on…” he paused and looked away for a minute before turning back. “I didn’t go back to that church. He was tainting everyone’s perception of how they should think of you. I didn’t want anyone talking about you in any way in front of me – didn’t want to hear your name – but to know that I had turned everyone against you, and the pastor was facilitating that with his sermons, I felt guilty. Then I got angry because I was feeling guilty. Looking back on it, I think God was trying to send me a message, but I just wasn’t listening to what it was saying.”

  Leigh looked down for a while and he could tell that she was thinking about everything he’d just said. They weren’t supposed to bring that up anymore; she’d just said that not that long before, but he felt like it had to get out there.

  “Did you tell Pastor Daniel that you never wanted me to come back? That you never wanted to see me again?” she asked almost too quietly to be heard, but he did hear her and was shocked.

  “No! I never said that to anyone,” he answered vehemently. “Though I heard Maybelle mention that at the store. I was wondering why you’d lie about that in the letter you sent with all of the pictures of Randy that first day. It was another reason I was so mad when I met you by the pond.”

  “I promise you, Russell, I didn’t make it up or lie about that.”

  “I know,” he ran his fingers down her cheek. “You’ve never been that kind of woman, but you know how I let my anger overrule my judgment. If I had let my knowledge of you enter into the equation from the get-go, I would have never even believed the picture to begin with.”

  “Kerry felt terrible.” Leigh said. “She said that she’d tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t see or talk to her either. That was right before she came to me.”

  “Kerry wasn’t as innocent as you think she was, Leigh, but before we talk about her…why did you ask about Pastor Daniel?”

  “He’s the one who told me that you’d said not to come back.” Leigh sat up and the cover fell to her lap. “I had kept in contact with him for a while, but when I told him that I was pregnant and that you wouldn’t answer the phone for me to be able to tell you, he said that you didn’t want any contact with me, was going to change your number, and would be happy if you never saw mw again. That’s when I tried to send the letters and pictures, but they were all returned to me unopened.”

  “Oh my…” Russ was getting so angry, but didn’t want Leigh to think it was directed toward her. “Baby, I know you said to let the past lie, but I really think we need to talk about all of this. I think that everything that happened was aged on by other people to build into something bigger than it started off as.”

  He sat up and turned so that he was facing her, covered by the blanket as she was. It was distracting since her breast was uncovered. He kept wanting to kiss it and make love to her again, but knew that it was important that these things be talked about. Even if she didn’t remember the conversation, he would be able to talk to her honestly afterward and tell her what they’d said.

  “Can we not talk about that stuff later?” she asked. “I don’t even know if I’ll remember anything after the surgery, and I just wanted to concentrate on us tonight. I wanted nothing but good thoughts taking me into surgery in the morning.”

  “As long as you know that I wanted you to come back, at first.” Taking her hands in his he waited until she was looking him in the eyes. “I knew that I drove you away with spreading that picture the way I did, and I regretted it. I still loved you, and I didn’t know what would happen, but after the initial shock of it, I wanted to be able to talk to you about it, but stupid me had changed my number and talked so much shit that I was embarrassed, and by the time you started mailing the packages, I was too angry to care anymore. I know it’s all my fault, but I want you to know what made me think the way I did. I will wait, though.” He brought her hands up to his mouth to be able to kiss each one before pulling her into his arms again. “I love you.” He said once again, and spent the next few hours showing her how much.

  Chapter 13

  “Where are you going? I thought we were eating in the courtyard with the guys and playing flag football.”

  Todd and Russ were walking down the hallway leading to the cafeteria, but before reaching it Russ turned left down a different hall.

  “Not today,” Russ said over his shoulder. “I have to do something for Mr. McCain.”

  The truth was that he’d been ordered to get tutoring for a couple different subjects that he was close to failing. If he didn’t pull his grades up, he would be sidelined for the rest of the football season, and he wouldn’t be able to d
o baseball or any other sport later on.

  It irritated him that they would force him into it. He was their star player on the team, and he didn’t think they should make him bring his grades up. Football would be his way into college. He was great at sports, academics not so much. He would be a rancher like his Pa was, he didn’t need all of that other stuff.

  So it was with that chip on his shoulder that he made his way to the library to find his new tutor. When he opened the double door that led into the quiet space, he looked around to see what nerds were hanging around and which one he was going to be stuck with.

  The only people he saw were the librarian, Ms. Hemming, and a couple of students. One was the douche bag, Bill Huff. That boy was one of the loners. His parents were screwed up, so most people tended to avoid him. Some of his friends liked him okay, but he got on Russ’ nerves for some reason.

  Bill was straddling his chair facing a cute brunette, and they were talking in low voices. They had books in front of them, but it didn’t seem that Bill was paying attention to anything but the girl.

  Russ walked over to Ms. Hemming and asked if she knew who was supposed to do the tutoring.

  “Leigh Hampton over there does most of the tutoring for the freshmen and sophomores,” she said politely. “If I were you, I would go ask her.”

  Russ was surprised to hear that the cute brunette was Leigh Hampton. His parents were close to the Hamptons and had suffered greatly at Mr. Hampton’s passing. He never knew their daughter was a looker. Maybe he could get a few dates out of this tutoring thing to make it worth his while.

  “What’s going on?” Bill asked as he reached the table. Russ got the vibe that He didn’t want him there.

  “I’m supposed to meet my tutor here,” he answered not paying attention to Bill, just the girl. “Ms. Hemming said it might be you?”