Living With No Regrets

by Jayton Young

  After the excitement died down enough, Mark started for the house again. When they got there, Randy was still jabbering about going to Carowinds and what all he wanted to do. Russ went to the room Mark showed him was his and changed into his pajama pants and slipped on a white t-shirt. He headed over to Randy’s room.

  Leigh was gorgeous in a silky ankle length gown, Randy was in his Captain America pj’s, and they were both already lying in a king size bed.

  “Won’t you get lost in this bed, Bud?” he asked as he slipped onto the bed, opposite from Leigh.

  Randy giggled. “No, Daddy! Momma alwaysh readsh to me. Or Uncle Mark doesh. Can you read me Horton Hashesh The Egg?”

  “Sure. Where is it?”

  “The book case in his closet.” she said as she got up. “He loves Dr. Seuss books, so I got the collection for him to keep here. That way he won’t have to tote them back and forth when we come.”

  Russ remembered when he used to be like that. His ma read him the same books over and over again until he would fall asleep. She never complained and actually acted like she enjoyed it.

  After Leigh came back, handing him the book, and settling down on the bed with Randy snuggled up beside her, he opened the book and started reading. He got so lost in the book as he was reading it and looking at the pictures that, by the time he was done, both Randy and Leigh had fallen asleep.

  He was sitting up against the headboard and took the opportunity to truly study these two most important people. Randy was everything a man could want in a son, and he was his little mini-me. Sadly, there wasn’t even a hint of Leigh’s beautiful features there. Red hair, green eyes, freckles…if anyone compared a picture of Russ at age five with a picture of Randy, they would swear it was the same person; though Russ lost his freckles went he hit puberty.

  When he looked at Leigh, he couldn’t help but feel as he had when he first met her; that he would be the luckiest guy on the planet to be able to go to sleep and wake beside her every day for the rest of his life.

  When he first met her, he was so full of himself that he didn’t dare show her how he felt and give her that power over him. He thought she would be like all of the other girls back then and think he was God’s gift to mankind. When she didn’t act that way, and was strictly business when tutoring him, he realized that she really was one of a kind. He started working to make himself better, so she could see him that way; a good person – someone worthy to know and be with. If it hadn’t been for Leigh, he probably would have ended up being one of those jack-ass womanizers that tear through women and never settle down.

  Russ scooted himself down level with Leigh and Randy and worked his arm under their necks so that they both were ensconced in his arms. He prayed that Leigh would be alright upon waking with him and Randy in the bed. He figured that if she saw Randy, she would know that everything was okay. Lifting his head, he looked to make sure her journal was on her nightstand, and luckily she had remembered to put it there for morning.

  All of his worrying was moot when it turned out that he woke before they did. He got out of bed and headed to his room. After taking a shower and dressing for the day out, he went down to the kitchen to brew coffee. Since he seemed to be the first one up and about, he decided to see what was in the fridge to cook for breakfast. He decided to do the basic Bacon eggs and toast, seeing that he was in no way a real cook.

  They had so much fun that day. Randy was not tall enough for the bigger thrill rides, but still had fun. Especially on Rip Roarin’ Rapids that he made them ride four times before Mary Leigh begged for reprieve. They rode The Scrambler, Ricochet, Carolina Goldrusher, and had a blast at White Water Falls.

  Leigh had taken Randy to this bridge to watch the boat come down the hill before they actually rode it. Russ had been to Carowinds when the ride first opened, so he knew what to expect, as did Mary Leigh (who warned Mark), but him and Leigh stood there with Randy holding both of their hands and watched as the boat came down…Then squealed when he was hit with the outward wave that was always the result of the boat hitting the bottom of the hill and leveling out.

  They had time to dry off with the sunny heat as they made their way to Planet Snoopy that held the kids rides. It had been Smurf Island when he was little, the Hanna Barbara Land, then Nickelodeon Central…he wondered if Carowinds would ever stick with one theme for longer than a few years.

  The day had been so long, and they had done so much, that Randy fell asleep on the way home. Russ could tell that Leigh was scared and nervous about the operation that she had to check into the hospital at five am for. She had explained as much as she could to Randy through-out the day, and then she kept him too busy having fun to be able to worry too much. It had been smart, but he knew that she need to talk about things; unload her mind, so that she could maybe relax; for a little while anyway.

  After they put Randy to bed – he never even opened his eyes as they changed his clothes – they went down to the kitchen where Mark and Mary Leigh were brewing coffee and making hot chocolate. Russ knew that a lot needed to be discussed between all of them but was determined to have a heart to heart with Leigh afterward and try to clear the air whether she wanted to or not. He would not leave anything unsaid this time.

  Chapter 11

  Leigh was happy that she seemed to remember a lot of things that have happened over the past couple of days. It was as if God was giving her a bit of her sanity back for the time being. What the doctor said the day before had stayed with her. She had read the journal that morning, and it had informed her of a few things she hadn’t remembered, but stuff she’d written the past few days were things that she knew about. One thing that she had forgotten, though, was the fact that the brain tumor was not the only thing she was battling at the moment. She had written that she decided not to tell anyone, but now that this surgery loomed so close, she wanted them to know. If she lost all of her memory, it would devastate them to find it out and realize that she hadn’t told them.

  “Did y’all have a good time today?” she asked from behind her mug as she took a drink of her hot chocolate. “I feel like I didn’t spend enough time with either of you.” Leigh put the mug down and folded her hands on the table in front of her. “I wanted to do as much as I could with everyone before tomorrow, but I got carried away with how much Randy was enjoying everything.”

  “It was fine, baby,” Mary Leigh said as she covered Leigh’s hands with one of hers. “That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Randy needed that feeling of family time before tomorrow. We could all see how happy he was to be with both of you today. Mark and I had fun watching y’all and taking pictures.”

  Looking over at Mark, who was still turned the other way wiping down counters that were already clean, Leigh could tell that he was trying to hold everything in by the tension that was obvious in his wide-set shoulders. “Are you alright?” she asked softly.

  He seemed to know that she was talking to her, because of the deep shuddering breath he took and released before turning around. Tears had already soaked his cheeks with more falling. She got up and walked over to him and put her arms around his waist and resting her cheek over his heart. Not answering, he wrapped her in his arms, kissed her head, and rested his cheek on top of her head.

  Leigh knew how hard this was for everyone. She and her mother had lost her father to cancer, and Mark had lost his life partner the same way. Russell hadn’t been through it, but she knew how hard this was on him anyway. She knew he would be blaming himself even more for the way things had worked out. As much as she wanted everyone to feel better, there were things that needed to be discussed. Important things. Pulling away, she grabbed Marks hand and led him back to the table.

  “I love all of you,” she started. “I wanted that to be the first and the last thing I said to all of you because it is the most important thing y’all need to remember throughout whatever happens.” Looking around the table, Leigh felt terrible about not telling anyone before then. They all were tr
ying their hardest to hide their emotions from her to make it easier on her, and here she had made it harder on them. Taking a deep breath, she jumped into the skillet. “I haven’t told y’all everything. When I went for the check up in June, they found a couple of other things besides the tumor. I have a lump in my left breast, and when they did a biopsy the week before we moved, they found it to be malignant. I also have a spot on my stomach that needs to be removed. Dr. Klein said that we needed to prioritize and tackle these things one at a time, so the tumor comes first. I just wanted y’all to hear it from me instead of the doctors in the hospital, because I have signed that you all have full disclosure of my medical records. All of you are to be informed of anything and everything that concerns me. If I am incapable of making my own decisions concerning anything needing to be done, then you all are to be consulted. I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you.”

  “When will they be removing the lump in your breast?” Russell asked her.

  She looked at him when she heard the thickness in his voice. He wasn’t looking her way but was concentrating on the table top. Figuring that he didn’t want her to see whatever he was feeling, she just grabbed his hand and pulled it over in front of her, so she could trace his knuckles to be able to have something to concentrate on herself, and answered his question.

  “They have to wait until I’m healed from this surgery before they can do anything else,” she looked at her mother and Mark since they would know more about the process. “Once I am, then they will work on both my stomach and my breast at the same time so that they can follow that up with an aggressive chemotherapy treatment. It would be too risky to try before I am completely healed from this surgery.”

  “This is what you’ve been getting Randy ready for, isn’t it?” Mark asked.

  “What do you mean?” Russell looked up at Mark and then turned to Leigh for an answer. When she couldn’t answer for the lump in her throat, he looked back over at Mark. “Getting Randy ready for what?”

  Mark looked at her before he turned to Russell. She knew he was trying to see if she would consider it a betrayal, and just looked back at him to see what he would say. Leigh didn’t know he had seen or heard anything, so she wanted to hear what he was talking about.

  “For the past couple of months, she’s been talking to Randy about ‘memory pages’,” Leigh was shocked that he knew about that. It was a secret between her and Randy, and she knew Randy wouldn’t have told. “I lived there, Lee Lee,” he said with a sad smile on his face. “Did you really think I wouldn’t find out at some point?”

  “You were never home when we worked on them.”

  “I came home several times while you two were putting them together. I would sit there in the kitchen and just listen to the two of you. He was so excited that he was doing something that would help you. You had said that instead of the journal, you could look at pictures to remind you of everything.” Mark glanced between Mary Leigh and Russell while he explained more. “Leigh’s always been big on pictures of everything; every event, every step of Randy’s life. She was getting him to help her put together albums of each year, so she could see for herself her life with Randy. I never put together why until now. I just thought she was into scrapbooking and was getting him to help.”

  “By that point, I was already forgetting things,” Leigh had to clear her throat before she could speak more clearly. “Randy got upset one morning when he found me crying after reading my journal. Knowing how I loved looking at pictures, he got out one of the boxes and sat with me asking me what was happening in each picture. It lifted my spirits that day, and the more I thought about it, the more I saw how much better it would be to wake to pictures instead of a journal. I couldn’t always remember things about a picture, but I would go back daily and add to the pages when something would come back to me. We called them memory pages so they would help me remember. Now that they are done, up until a week ago – we haven’t had time to update it – I want to put my journals up and just have these if they are needed after tomorrow.”

  “We have been so blessed by having that boy in our life,” Mary Leigh sniffled. She had been crying silently throughout the conversation. She looked over at Russell. “I know you missed a lot, but I think that everything happens for a reason. Randy is only five years old, but he has an old and pure soul that Leigh needed in her life.”

  Leigh didn’t quite know how to take that. She knew that it was her fault that Randy had to grow up beyond his very young years, but couldn’t regret having him there. He’d been happy hadn’t he? And he’d certainly made life better for her in so many ways. No…she couldn’t regret it, but would he blame her later on?

  As if he knew where her thoughts were headed, Russell put his arm around her. “He is a happy little boy,” he whispered in her ear. “I can tell that he has had a very good childhood so far. He knows he’s loved, and he loves you so much. He will never feel slighted.”

  Leigh looked into Russell’s eyes and saw the sincerity there. He meant what he was saying. Once she looked into his eyes, though, she was lost. Everyone else in the room; everything else going on, fell from her mind. Not because she forgot, but because the love she saw there eclipsed everything else.

  His hand came up, and he palmed her cheek, caressing it softly, his thumb brushing her bottom lip. In the back of her mind, she heard her mother and Mark say goodnight as they got up from the table and headed off to their rooms, but her focus was on the jade green orbs that were his eyes. The ones she’d still dreamed about for the years they’d been apart.

  Her skin was just as soft as it had always been. Russ remembered that Leigh had always used special lotions and skin creams when she was in high school and college. She told him that her mother had told her to, and taught her how to, always take care of her skin. It had been one of the guilty pleasures she had always indulged in. Russ didn’t think of it as a guilty pleasure, though. Mary Leigh still looked young after all of these years and all of the health issues she’d had, so there was something to it. Taking care of yourself wasn’t considered a guilty pleasure in his book. He smoothed her beautiful, wavy brown hair back behind her ear.

  “I’ve just now gotten you back into my life, and now I feel as if I’m going to lose you all over again.” he murmured softly while looking into her soft, light brown eyes. “I guess it’s more than I deserve.”

  Covering his hand with his own, Leigh shook her head. “I’ve told you…you need to let that guilt go. No one is holding it against you but you. Forgive yourself. Or should I keep beating myself up for keeping Randy from you? For letting my anger hold against you for so long?”

  “You’ve done nothing wrong.”

  She surprised him when she laughed. “So you don’t wish that you had been there for Randy’s birth? That your parents had been there? That you hadn’t missed his first smile or him sitting up for the first time or his first step or even his first word?” The sadness he felt coming from her was breaking his heart. “Those are all things that you’ll never experience now, and it’s my fault, but what’s done is done and can’t be taken back. I’ve prayed for forgiveness for these things and for guidance on my belief in no regrets, and you want to know what came to my mind, either through God’s answer or my own?” he nodded, not having a voice at the moment. “No regrets isn’t about looking back and thinking that everything happened the way it did for a reason. It’s about looking back and realizing that the things we did, the decisions we made, led us to where we are in this moment. I am who I am because of my experiences and who I have met and who has been a part of my life; for good or bad. That is why I have no regrets. That’s why you must not have any regrets. We have both been through hell. Either of our own making, or because of someone else. We have paid our dues. Wipe the slate clean, Sprout. I still love you after all this time. I know you still love me. Let’s begin again. If, when I wake up, I have no memory of what’s happened, be honest about it from the start and explain what you did and why. I
’ll understand then just as I do now.”

  Just when he thought it impossible to love her any more than he did, she would do or say something like that and blow him away again. Leigh Hampton was his soul mate. He believed that with his whole being.

  *****

  Leaning closer to her, moving slowly as to warn her of his intentions in case she did not want to, Russ covered her lips with his own, only closing his eyes once she accepted his kiss. It started off as a slow, sweet kiss, but feeling her lips again after only dreaming of them for so long, broke his will to hold back. As it always had, passion flared like a flame to gasoline. His fingers threaded through her hair to hold her head in place as his tongue slid across the seam of her lips asking for entry which she granted.

  Caught up in the kiss, he snaked his other hand around her waist and pulled her onto his lap. He broke the kiss to ask and make sure she was alright and that she wanted it as much as he did.

  As if knowing what he was asking without him saying a word, Leigh said exactly what his heart needed to hear. She raised her hand up and ran her fingers so lightly over his cheek and down his jaw that it felt as if she tickled him with a feather.

  “You have always been, and always will be, the only man I love.” She stood up and grabbed his hand pulling it and him to follow her. After they has ascended the stairs and went into her room, she closed the door and continued. “You are the only man I have ever willingly been with Russell. Even in all the time we’ve been apart, no one has even caught my attention in that way. You were my first everything. I would like you to be my last.”

  Russ was overwhelmed with what she’d said. He didn’t deserve her, he never had, but he would never throw the blessing that she was away again. He walked up to her, grabbed her thin waist in both hands and pulled her to him, her hands resting on his chest.