by Sean Covey
Annie: Does your boyfriend Carson go to school here?
Astrid: No, he went to school at Riverside. He says he graduated early but I don’t know if he graduated or dropped out.
Annie: What does he do?
Astrid: Um, he says he works. Like, he’s not very honest.
Annie: I’m gonna ask you a funny question. Is this the kind of person you want to end up with?
Astrid: Yeah. No. But he’s not…he’s honest with me. Well, he, like, lies about things to make himself look better.
Hello! Astrid, can’t you see the big red flag?
4. You’ll never find anyone else who will love you. If you ever hear these words, realize there’s a red flag the size of your bedspread being flown in your face. A young girl shared this.
When I was 14 years old I had a crush on Andy. He was seventeen, drove a red sports car, was tall, and, from what I could tell, was a pretty quality guy.
When we first started hanging out, everything was fine. He was a perfect gentleman, he respected me, and I thought he loved me. Well, Andy’s gentleman stayed around for only a while. Before I knew it, he became abusive in every way imaginable. He used to tell me that I would never find anyone else who would love me. I actually believed him.
After almost a year of abuse, I finally got out.
5. If you leave me, l’ll hurt myself. This is another red flag. When Benjamin was 17, he started dating a girl. Everything was fine at first, but, after a few months, she began to threaten to kill herself. Benjamin was shocked at first and very concerned. He hoped she’d never mention it again. But, throughout the next couple of months, that’s all she could talk about. After a while, he grew numb to her threats and began seeking advice from others. “When she discovered this,” said Benjamin, “she gave me the ultimatum to stop telling people or she was really going to do it.
“I was fed up, and I really didn’t know what to do next. I couldn’t break up with her because I feared the worst. One thing was for sure, I couldn’t continue my life with the constant fear of her committing suicide. Her threats were taking over my life.”
After seeking professional advice, Benjamin realized that she wasn’t really serious about hurting herself, but was just trying to get attention. After confronting her, he was able to end the relationship peacefully.
Now, of course, if anyone is talking about committing suicide, you need to take it seriously and get them professional help. What you shouldn’t do, however, is feel that you have to stay in the relationship. Find a way to exit gracefully.
I’ve only touched on a few red flags, but there are a dozen more. Above all, listen to your conscience and trust your instincts. Get advice from those who love you most. Steer clear of dangerous liaisons.
6. HOW DO I GET OUT OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?
My friend Durelle Price, whom I mentioned earlier, has developed a terrific program that focuses on helping teens identify and get out of abusive relationships. The information that follows is hers, which I’ve adapted with permission.
It starts with a little name-calling, a push, or a slap. You might think it’s an isolated incident. Most likely an apology will follow. You don’t want to believe it could ever happen again. But the truth is, this isolated incident is actually the tip of the iceberg—the first glimpse at a pattern of abusive behavior that will inevitably follow.
As comedian Jim Carrey put it,
No one ever asked to be abused, and no one deserves it. All any of us really want is to be loved and accepted, just like Michelle. She was zapped—love-struck by Justin, a hot, star athlete at their high school. Justin could be very sweet. He told her how beautiful she was and how much he loved her. Lots of girls wanted to go out with him, but he chose her. Early in their relationship they went to a party and the guy at the front door told her she had pretty eyes. Before she could say thank you, Justin punched the guy flat to the floor.
She had a terrible feeling in her stomach, but her friends all said, “Wow, you are so lucky. He loves you so much!” A few years later they’d decided to get married.
A week before the wedding, they had a minor disagreement. Suddenly, Justin dove across the room and grabbed Michelle by the throat.
It was the longest twenty seconds Michelle had ever experienced. Just as quickly as it had begun, it ended. He dropped to his knees, threw his arms around her waist and pleaded with her to forgive him. As the tears streamed down his face, he blamed it on being nervous about the wedding and swore he’d never do anything like that again.
THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG
Michelle didn’t know what to do. She’d been taught to forgive, right? She was humiliated and confused. She didn’t tell her sister. She sure didn’t tell her mother and she didn’t even tell her best friend. She prayed it would never happen again. A week later they were married. Now she was trapped.
Over the next several years, the physical and emotional abuse went from bad to worse before Michelle finally gathered the courage to leave Justin. He continued to stalk her for years.
Michelle’s story is not uncommon. In fact, one out of three teenage girls report experiencing physical violence at the hands of a dating partner. If this is happening to you, don’t accept it. And please don’t think, “Well, this is the way guys are.” Believe me, there are lots of decent guys that aren’t like that.
Use this Get-Out-Quick checklist to see if you’re in an abusive relationship.
If you said yes to even one of these, it’s time to say “I’m outta here!”
There’s a right and wrong way to break up with an abusive person. Here’s what the wrong way looks like.
Jamal had been verbally abusive—putting Cheri down and making her cry all the time. She knew she needed to break off the relationship. He was alone in his grandmother’s house when she came by with his sweater and CD case. He knew immediately she was there to break up. When he opened the door, he grabbed her by the hair, pushed her up against the door, and called her terrible names. Cheri was hurt and frightened.
Cheri made several mistakes in her plan to break up with Jamal:
• She went alone.
• She met him in a private place.
• She underestimated what he was capable of.
Now, let’s look at the right way to break up with someone who is abusive.
Devon could no longer accept Crystal’s possessive and jealous behavior. She would follow him everywhere and watch him from a distance. She would scream accusations at him, then slap him when he tried to defend his innocent actions.
So Devon told his minister, his friends, and his family about the abusive behavior. Devon called Crystal on the phone and told her the relationship was off. He told her not to call or approach him again. It was hard. He kept remembering what it was like in the beginning when Crystal was so sweet. His minister helped him deal with his feelings. His friends and family continued to provide support as he sought to get over it.
Devon’s break-up plan was smart:
• He broke up with her on the phone.
• He told his friends, family members, and a minister about the abuse.
• He sought help to deal with his feelings after the breakup.
Our society has created two rules of dating that we tend to buy into without even thinking.
The result is broken hearts and a cycle of short-term relationships. You don’t have to buy it. You can say good-bye to our culture’s brainless approach to dating.
What follows are six guidelines for dating success gleaned from the wisdom of your peers. These will guard you from becoming boyfriend- or girlfriend centered, keep your relationships healthy, shield you from abusive relationships, and increase the fun factor.
1. DON’T DATE TOO YOUNG
Talk with any teen that began dating when they were really young. They almost always wish they had waited. Start too young and you’ll run into problems, such as getting taken advantage of, getting physical too soon, or not knowing how to end the relat
ionship. Waiting until your midteens before dating is a good rule of thumb.
2. DATE PEOPLE YOUR OWN AGE
This guideline is a cousin to the first one. It especially applies to girls. Dating guys two, three, or four years older than you may be flattering, but isn’t healthy. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard stories like the one below, shared by a young girl from Allen East High School.
I had my first serious relationship when I was in sixth grade. I can’t even begin to say what attracted me to him, but somehow he pulled me in. Before I knew it I was in over my head. He was a few years older and I think I liked that an older guy was interested in me.
This guy had a lot of problems. He was very controlling and liked to push me around. He would never let me do things with my friends or talk to other guys. It took me a long time to realize that this was not normal, especially at my age. I was scared of him and I didn’t know who to tell. The relationship went on until the end of my freshman year in high school.
It’s so easy to get taken advantage of when you date older people. Why take the chance?
3. GET TO KNOW LOTS OF PEOPLE
Romance seems to run in our veins. We’d all like to find our soul mate and live happily ever after. So, it seems only natural to fall in love with the first person we can. However, by doing this we create expectations and cut ourselves off from other relationships.
Kip had never paid much attention to Hope before. After all, she was his neighbor. But when she showed up at a summer party, looking hot, it was as if he was meeting her for the first time. He called her for a date and pretty soon they were a couple and spent a lot of time together. Kip was a junior in high school and Hope, a sophomore, was the first person Kip had ever really liked. He fell hard for her.
That summer, Kip’s family went on vacation for three weeks. When he got back, Kip found out that while he was gone Hope had gone out with two of his friends and had even kissed one of them. Kip was furious and felt betrayed! He thought they had an understanding between them that they were only dating each other.
When Kip confronted her she said, “Well, you were gone for so long and I like him, too! It’s not like we’re boyfriend and girlfriend or anything.” That killed Kip because in his mind they were exactly that.
Kip vowed never to speak to her again and didn’t for months. Hope, on the other hand, didn’t understand what all the fuss was about. She moved on and dated many others while Kip fumed. It was a long time before he could trust another girl or start dating again.
See what can happen when you get all serious and start to believe that the first person you fall for is your one and only love? Your middle or high school years are not the time to settle into a serious relationship.
My dad used to tell us:
It was his way of making sure that we got to know lots of people and avoided getting trapped into a single relationship. I must confess that I broke Dad’s rule more than once (sorry, Dad!), but, overall, his approach kept me from getting too wrapped up with just one person.
Ashley’s situation is very common.
I’m in high school and I’ve had a boyfriend for about two and a half years now. So, I’ve never experienced other guys or real dating. This really stresses me out. I’m never quite sure if I’m making the right decision by only dating one person. He’s a safety crutch for me. That’s part of the reason I stay with him.
I really wish I could’ve met this wonderful person after high school, then things might be different. Since I can’t change that, I really wish we could just date other people and see what happens after high school.
Don’t be in such a hurry to have a girlfriend or boyfriend. Now’s the time to date different people, have fun, and not get too serious. There will be time in the future to narrow down your choices and start dating one person seriously. But not when you’re a teenager! You don’t want to join the adult world too soon; it’s not half as much fun. Enjoy your days of singleness while ye may.
4. DATE IN GROUPS
Dating in groups, whether it’s on a double date or with a larger group, has many advantages. Usually, it’s more fun. There’s safety in numbers. You’ll meet more people, and there are fewer expectations. Aaron, a high school senior, shared this experience.
My best friend and I go on double dates all the time. There has only been one time that we have had any difficulty. The date started out pretty normal. We picked up the girls and headed to the bowling alley. Everyone was having a good time. Then things started to get a little hairy. Chris’s date decided that she wanted to sit on his lap, so she did. Then my date decided to follow suit.
Because we barely knew them and weren’t looking for relationships at all, this made both Chris and I more than uncomfortable. It was then that we learned the true value of knowing what the other is thinking. It is simply a matter of communicating with your eyes. We decided to just sit at the scoring table after our turns. This worked like a charm. By treating the situation delicately, we were not only able to make ourselves more comfortable, but we were also able to spare the girls the embarrassment of something more direct.
5. SET YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES
Decide now the kind of people you will and won’t date. Decide now how far you’re willing to go, what’s off limits, and don’t let anyone talk you out of it. Don’t wait until you’re making out to decide; by then it’s too late. If you haven’t decided beforehand what your boundaries are, stuff happens you didn’t plan on.
The greatest form of protection there is against heartbreak, inflated expectations, disease, pregnancy, or unwanted advances are the personal standards you set for yourself. If someone has a bad reputation, for heaven’s sake, don’t go out with them. One safe rule of thumb is: Only date people who respect your standards and make you a better person when you’re with them. Consider the message of the movie A Walk to Remember.
Landon Carter is the reckless leader who is skating through high school on his good looks and bravado. He and his popular friends at Beaufort High publicly ridicule everyone that doesn’t fit in, including the unfashionable Jamie Sullivan, who wears the same sweater day after day and gives free tutoring lessons to struggling students.
By accident, events thrust Landon into Jamie’s world and he can’t help but notice that Jamie’s different. She doesn’t care about conforming and fitting in with the popular kids. Landon’s amazed at how sure of herself she seems and asks, “Don’t you care what people think about you?” As he spends more time with her, he realizes she has more freedom than he does because she isn’t controlled by the opinions of others, as he is.
Soon, despite their intentions not to, they have fallen in love and Landon has to choose between his status at Beaufort…and Jamie. “This girl’s changed you,” his best friend yells, “and you don’t even know it.” Landon admits, “She has faith in me. She wants me to be better.”
He chooses her.
After high school graduation, Jamie reveals to Landon that she’s dying of leukemia. During her final months, Landon does all he can to make her dreams come true, including marrying her in the same church her mother and father were married in. They spend a wonderful summer together, truly in love.
Despite Jamie’s dream for a miracle, she dies. Heartbroken, but inspired by Jamie’s belief in him, Landon works hard to go to medical school. But he laments to her father that he couldn’t fulfill her last desire, to see a miracle. Jamie’s father assures him that Jamie did see a miracle before she died, for someone’s heart had truly changed. And it was his.
Now that’s a movie to remember!
Never apologize for having high standards and don’t ever lower your standards to please someone else. Lift theirs instead. Here are some examples of dating standards some teens have set:
• always date in pairs or groups
• only date people with good reputations
• stay away from compromising situations, like car parking, getting drunk or stoned, or babysitting with your dat
e while your parents are out
• keep your clothes on and your hands off
If you don’t set your own boundaries, someone else will do it for you.
6. HAVE A PLAN
Sixteen-year-old Metta shared this:
Guys, I’m telling you, if you want to impress a girl, you have to make some effort. I went on a really lame date last week. AJ asked me if I wanted to go bowling with a bunch of other couples. That sounded like a lot of fun, and I was really looking forward to the date. Well, when AJ and another couple came to pick me up they were 30 minutes late. I was bugged by that, but, oh well. And then when we all got to the bowling alley we couldn’t get any lanes for 60 minutes.
We finally ended up going to AJ’s house where he and the guys spent two hours playing Xbox while the girls sat around talking. What a waste of time! Needless to say, I’ll never go out with AJ again.
When you go out, have a plan as well as a backup plan in case things don’t work out. I asked a few teens the question: What is the best date you’ve ever been on and what specifically did you do? Here’s what a few of them said:
“My friend Chris and I played doubles in tennis with a couple of girls our age.” —Aaron
“When my date came to pick me up to go skiing, my whole family invited themselves along. My date never complained, and, rather than be embarrassed, decided to make it a really great day for everybody.” —Annie
“Me and my date played hide ’n’ seek with other couples in the mountains.” —Hank
“We went iceblocking (racing on blocks of ice), watched the movie Ice Age, and went out for ice cream.” —Keli’i