6/6/66

by JN Lenz

  “If the cadaver weighs three hundred pounds they will be dead on the third floor in a deep Jacuzzi tub, if they weigh ninety pounds they will drop dead at the front door”.

  There was no conversation between Clyde and I as the van made its way back to the Funeral Home. Once back at the Funeral Home I commented on Joyce’s reference to Dr. Burrows habit of short post mortem investigations being encouraging news, Clyde could not have agreed more. No doubt that reaffirmation of doc Burrows lack of work ethic was not required for Clyde; I had a funny feeling the hunter had already fully grasped that the town’s only coroner was incompetent as much as he was lazy.

  As I pulled the van with the body of old lady Preston into the back of the Funeral Home we could see Dr. Burrows vehicle parked along the back fence of the property. Glad that we had decided to make her pickup first before heading to the morgue to retrieve Mr. Brown, this way we could get Burrows and the death certificate for the old lady out of the way, the earlier the better, besides we could show up at the hospital morgue for that pick up anytime.

  Doc Burrows climbed out of his car as we cut a shadow against the side of his car as the van cut off the early morning sun which was shining brightly against the big Buick sedan as we backed and maneuvered the van close to the back service entrance doors of the Funeral Home.

  “Can we make this quick fellas” he gestured the second we jumped out of the front seats of the van as he made his way around the back of the big Buick and headed towards the back door of the Funeral Home.

  ” Sure can Ken, are we holding you up Doc?” I replied cheerfully, there was no advantage on getting on the docs bad side even though he could be a bit of a pompous ass at times.

  “Yes I’m late for a golf engagement with a pair of couples from my wife’s Quota club, impatient friends the bunch of them, not that I should really care to hurry but my wife hates when I miss tour tee off time. The good news is the club is having Cornish Hen after the tournament, I love those damn little birds” Dr. Burrows said hurriedly as he opened up the back door and propped his foot against the bottom of the door to hold it open for us.

  Pulling the gurney from the back of the van we simultaneously let the leading edge of the dooly slip before having time to pull the lever to let the scissor support of the gurney to deploy, as the end of the dolly slipped from our hands the entire cart with the strapped in body slammed to the ground. Turning quickly after the loud bang the doctor snapped back at us.

  “Good thing you boys are in the Funeral business and not dealing in the movement of fine china or piano movers” Dr. Burrows said dryly and typically with a touch of arrogant sarcasm.

  “I guess the lump on the back of her head won’t be the cause of death”

  The Doc added, looking smugly as we wheeled the body past him as he stood by the door while the two of us pushed the dolly carrying old lady Preston past him. There was a small smile on the two of our faces as we passed Dr. Burrows, passing by him through the open door way. I know Clyde was biting his lip at the ignorant lazy doc’s sarcastic comments as much as I was. Neither of us would say a word in reply as the cart rattled over the door sill on its way into the Funeral Home , instead we appreciated the small bit of slap stick with the dolly a touch of morgue humor , helped to keep our thoughts away from the belligerent arrogant moron.

  After all the future of both of us had much to do with this mans continued incompetence and laziness, doc Burrows had become the most important ally in the world to both of us, in this case we both could eat as much shit as the doc could shovel. That shit was caviar to us.

  By the time we had transported the body down the lift into the basement and into the embalming room Dr. Burrows had completed the required forms and death certificate and was handing it to Fred as the two of us made our way back up the basement stairs.

  “Here you go looks like cause of death was most likely a heart attack or something to do with just plain old age, she had enough ailments” Dr. Burrows muttered to Fred as he handed over the death certificate papers and quickly turned to leave, I had the sense that doc Burrows had just been talking about both Clyde and I to Fred while we had been transferring the old lady to the embalming room table in the basement below.

  “Have a good day gentlemen I’m off to show them how to play” the doc gestured he started to exit the back hall of the Funeral Home leaving through the same door we had all entered only moments earlier.

  “Good luck with the round of golf Doc, thanks for taking care of this so quickly for us. Hope you are not too late for your tee off time” I called after him continuing the effort to land on the good side of the crusty coroner.

  “Luck has nothing to do with it my boy, if anyone is going to need some luck that will be my opponents. Might want to try some oil on that stretcher of ours to prevent what just happened moments ago” the doc added in his typical cocky fashion talking as he exited the door at the back of the Funeral Home as it closed with a resounding slam as it shut behind him.

  “What a fucking ass’ Clyde whispered after the door slammed shut as all three of us began to chuckle.

  ” Guess we better get that closer fixed on that door, the doc is an alright guy I guess he has just always come across like that since he was accepted into Medical School, rumor has it that was all his father could leave him when he died was in at one of the Medical Schools down in the city where his father used to be a professor before he died when Ken was just a boy The only stipulation was that he was required to have a BA before he was eligible for acceptance, that BA would take him six years and by the time he got bounced around various specialties in med school another six years had gone by.

  Doc Burrows returned to Largo after twelve years of university to get the coroners job at the hospital where his mother was still the head of Human Resources, have to say the man was smart enough to get some kind of medical diploma even though he spent an extra three years at it. The doc would let on all those extra years in university was for additional degrees and doctorates but I had heard different story from a few of his classmates at both the universities he attended, yaa and the arrogance came back along with him and his new title when he returned back to Largo from medical school”. Fred continued

  “So far so good” I stated to Clyde as we made our way back down the stairs to the embalming room leaving Fred on the Main floor, we had slid the body onto the stainless table that sat directly in the center of the embalming room earlier. Usually I had no interest in viewing the dead, but for this round I was interested to see what the old girl looked like after contending with Clyde. The green sheet we had placed on her back at the Nursing Home had remained fully covering Eldridge Preston’s face and body the entire time.

  ” If they all go this smooth maybe we can really pull this thing off” Clyde replied confidently as he pulled back the green sheet completely exposing old lady Preston, her eyes and mouth completely shut just as Clyde had left her. I could see that look in his eye as Clyde rounded the table inspecting the head and upper torso of the dead old lady. He was in complete control of the situation, surveying his surroundings like a bird strutting its feathers, as Clyde walked about the embalming rooms table.

  “I was looking over the details of her pre arrangements this afternoon old lady Preston sure wanted an elaborate send off, there is going to be some good cash coming from this one. Tell you what, I’ll grab Fred to give me a hand with the pickup down at the morgue. Why don’t you get started in here, you got a good handle at the whole process and Fred can finish up when we get back if need be”. I stated to Clyde knowing he had no intention of leaving the embalming room at this time; this was after all the first body he had prepared after first murdering them. Best to have him get that blood drained and her body pumped full of chloroform as soon as possible to hide what that fool doctor refused to even look for.

  ” Don’t worry it will be too late for Fred to do anything by the time both of you make it back here, it will all be done, trust me on that. Fred migh
t be pissed that I started without him since we had been doing all of them together so Fred can watch me, I’ll just brush it off if it comes up he might not say shit” Clyde added as I nodded in agreement and set off back up the stairs in search of Fred.

  “I’ll go grab him from out back, you get started” my voiced tailed off as I set off up the back staircase to fetch Fred.

  Clyde would be left alone in the basement embalming room with old lady Preston, he was sure to provide her with the utmost care and attention to detail. Without question Miss Preston would look more alive in that casket than the last days of her life. Clyde set about his work methodically with precise attention to detail, the sterile and spotless surroundings of the embalming room of the Shackles Funeral Home was a far contrast to the surroundings when handling the dead animals of the abattoir although they too required precision in handling before being displayed to the public. Clyde pulled the sheet that had been covering old lady Preston’s off the floor and folded it several times before placing it on a counter close to the stainless table with her naked body was lying face up.

  The old lady was thin but not overtly fragile looking considering her considerable old age; her breasts were as flat as her stomach. Clyde moved to the main service counter and sink to arrange his tools that he would require for the initial procedure of draining old lady Preston’s blood before sliding a pair of latex gloves on his hands, turning to the left he wheeled the upright dolly which supported the lines both for “draining and refueling” (as Clyde liked to refer to it the tubes and apparatus which both drained the blood and injected the chemical mixture of formaldehyde and various chemicals back into the dead corpse) toward the stainless table and the half-naked corpse of old lady Preston.

  Pulling the syringe from the left pocket of the white lab coat Clyde carefully screwed it to the fitting on the end of the suction tube before puncturing the needle end with the attached tube into the top of the old ladies arm, he pulled a piece of tubing towards the body to avoid the syringe from pulling loose and used a piece of medical tape on the tray of tools to tape the tube and syringe firmly to her arm.

  Bending down Clyde activated the pump after pushing a toggle switch on the base of the dolly, within seconds the blood flowed first up the clear tube than down and through the tubing where it entered the pump before being pushed to the nearby sinks. The blood would begin gurgling as it exited the end of the hose and began draining down the center sink of the three stainless basins as it made its way toward the center sinks drain.

  “Harold Barry was well known around town, involved with the Lions Club, the dart club and he curled in the men’s league every winter. That will be a big service as far as attendance is concerned. Joyce called me this morning about the service; she is coming in around eleven this morning to go over the arrangements. I think I would like to handle this one alone if you don’t mind Jack, the both of them are old friends and I know she will be more comfortable around just me when we discuss the services and what Harold would have wanted. Hope that’s OK” Fred tipped forward in the driver’s seat as he spoke, raising his eyebrows as he looked over at me.

  “Sure thing Fred, it’s all yours, we will be back from the Morgue In plenty of time for you to meet that appointment with her, I’ll handle the arrangements and billing for the Preston account then” I replied to Fred thinking this surprise second service would keep Fred occupied while I set about ensuring I captured a maximum margin on all the extras for old lady Preston’s service.

  “I think you’re very right and it would be best for you to deal with Mrs. Barry, just focus on that service Fred and Jack and I will focus on Miss. Preston’s service.” I added before continuing talking a few seconds later

  “ The one thing about this recent upswing in business means the sooner we can get enough to pay those friends of yours off in the city the better, I can’t keep affording these five thousand a week interest charges without getting anywhere on the principal.” I replied dryly as my thoughts drifted to the knowledge of more debts to pay for Fred.

  “I know this really blindsided the two of you with this last debt of mine that I never fessed up about, but this is the last of it, I swear Jack. Let’s tackle this last one together then it’s over and the way things are going around here lately there is gonna be some money coming your way soon enough, it’s not too often you can bank two funeral calls in one day it almost has me jumping up and down on the inside even though I don’t even own the place anymore” Fred responded as he looked down towards his feet as I drove the van towards the hospital and the Morgue.

  “I know Jack I’ve made a pile of mistakes over the years but that one was my worst I’m afraid, I will do my best to help make it up to both you guys. I really do appreciate all you have done for me, letting me still live here and all. It does mean a lot to me you know that don’t you Jack?’ Fred’s voice cracked ever so slightly, still keeping his head down as he stared at his shoes while he talked.

  “Of course I do, we both know you mean it Fred you have also been a big help to us around here showing the two of us the ropes. Just make sure this is the end of the debts against this place Fred we can’t be doing this again for you we are here to make money at some point you know”. My voice remained stern I meant what I said to Fred, I was ready to finally make money that we could spend and expand with.

  ” You’ve got more than my word, Jack I kind of like having fingers too yaa know. No chance of me going down that road ever again, not saying I will never gamble again but only with what I have in my pocket, honest” Fred replied finally looking away from his shoes and now looking towards me while I was driving, he pushed up his hand with the three remaining fingers straight up in the air with his thumb tucked against his palm like a boy scout taking a pledge. “Injured Scouts honor” Fred offered, laughing slightly at the same time

  “Good, because I’m going to cut your fucking dick off if you pull any more of this shit in the future. That or I’ll let the loan sharks cut it off, one or the other.” I joked as I finished backing the van against the side of the hospital next to the service entrance. At that Fred began to laugh as we exited the van and removed the stretcher form the back of the service van. Bending down and activating the lever which allows the gurney to rise to hip height we raised the platform so the vinyl covered foam pad clicked into place pushing the cart through the entrance the morgue was the third door on the right

  The collection at the Hospitals morgue went quickly so we were back at the funeral home sooner than I had anticipated; I had been to the hospital for a pick-up with Fred before when we had waited considerably longer for access. Driving slowly back to the Funeral Home from the hospital I detoured the van to the Main Street Bakery for a few coffee and donuts just to take up some time, before making my way back to the Funeral Home, I wanted to ensure that Clyde had time to fully complete the embalming of old lady Preston before Fred could intervene in any way, not that he would do anything different Clyde and I just wanted to maintain control of the environment of it all. I suggested to Fred.

  ” Why don’t we place Harold upstairs in the front parlor in case his widow wants to have a visit with him before he is embalmed, it won’t be so cold for her considering how cool the embalming room and the outer room under the large stone verandah will be. We can role Mr. Barry in front room , I will get a couple of sheets and a drape to cover the dolly base to look a little better before Joyce Barry arrives why don’t you go and get set up in the office while I do this so you are fully organized and ready by the time she arrives. I will greet her at the door and bring her back for you, how’s that sound Freddie?” I knew Fred would like the extra time to set up for Mrs. Barry’s arrival; he was not accustomed to having more than one funeral arrangement being made on a given day.

  ” Sounds great to me Jack, good idea to keep organized so much to do though, I’m going to have to get Clyde in helping me with the embalming of Miss. Preston and Mr. Barry this afternoon” I answered his statement wi
th a simple “ right” remark thinking to myself if you only knew Fred. After the comment Fred turned and walked out the Funeral Homes front room making his way back towards the Funeral Home office. After I secured the wheels of the dolly in the front room, I walked over and pulled on the tall maple pocket doors, closing the room from the hall. I headed down the same hall where Fred had made his retreat to the office with Joyce, I would turn left instead of right and make my way down to the basement to see how Clyde was making out with old lady Preston’s embalming.

  The sight of Clyde hovering above the deceased old woman, a guy I had only ever seen as a rough woodsman and hunter. Here he was the cowboy kid, unsophisticated and crude gingerly applying makeup to the face of old lady Preston. Six months ago the same guy would be dressed in cheap clothes, with not a hint of class in sight. This whole new image of a clean cut Clyde, dressed in a white smock with a tray of cosmetics in front of him, applying makeup to a female corpse. How quick life changes direction, one single event and a few moments can change your life forever.

  The once red neck now applying make-up so artfully and precise on the old lady, bringing colour back to her face for one last time. I watched in silence, as Clyde carefully blended some colour over the foundation he had already spread over the old ladies entire face and neck. I always used to think of Clyde as, you know, like a man’s man. He was a rough character that told you exactly what he was thinking and was man enough to admit his mistakes. Above all Clyde would never fuck over a friend, which sounds like no big deal, but is a quality that many people do not possess. Even a casual friend of Clyde’s had no fear of being back stabbed or talked about by him, it just never happened. Clyde hated any of that shit; he avoided conversations with individuals that propagated the gossip and drama.