Bittersweet

by K. S. Thomas

  “Do you know what happens in her mother’s store? Have you ever actually been inside it? Because I have.”

  My mother’s hands cover her face. “Oh, God. It’s too late.”

  “You’re acting insane. Can you hear yourself right now? The Harpers aren’t members of some sort of a cult. They’re not evil. Maybe they don’t practice any sort of conventional religion, but they know more about our faith than I do. If you ever had a conversation with Jace you’d know that. The woman knows the Bible inside and out. Just because she doesn’t express her beliefs the same way you do, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have her own.”

  “Yes, I know about her beliefs. Everyone does. Tarot cards. Palm readings. Ouija boards conjuring up evil spirits.” She shudders and it takes everything I have not to laugh again.

  “First of all, they don’t use Ouija boards. That’s a fucking board game.” I realize I just said the f-word in front of my parents for the first time ever, but it’s time. It’s so fucking time. “Second, everything else you mentioned is done with a great deal of prayer. To God. Same one you pray to. You know who else they call on? Angels. They know every single Arch Angel by name. Do you?”

  “ENOUGH!” My father’s face is so red, I think his skull might have to spontaneously combust to allow some of that hot air to breathe. “This conversation is over. And so is your little fling with that Harper girl. You end it with her. Today.”

  “And if I don’t?”

  “Then you won’t be attending any family dinners in the future.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Esi

  It’s nearly nine o’clock at night when Lev walks me in through my own front door.

  “You know, I could have easily done this without you.” I slide my arms out of my jacket and Lev is already standing behind me to catch it.

  “Sure you could have. And I’m sure your coat would have looked lovely in a crumpled mess on the floor.”

  I twist my mouth back and forth. I’m sort of getting into the habit of just letting it fall. I blame everyone else. Shit happens when you get used to everyone doing everything for you. Or rather, shit stops happening. It’s amazing I do anything on my own at all anymore.

  “Whatever. Thank you.” I bend down to unzip the side of my boot. Out of nowhere dizziness hits me. I lose my balance and start to tumble forward. Lev yells something in the background, but my mind is already going hazy and I can’t make it out. Then, total nothingness.

  ***

  When I come to, the sight is all too familiar. I’m in the goddamned hospital again.

  “Lev,” I groan staring straight at the ceiling.

  “Yes?”

  I didn’t really expect her to answer, so she kinda scares the crap out of me.

  “Holy shit. Don’t sneak up on a woman with a heart condition.” I take several deep breaths after turning my head to find both my sister and mother beside me.

  “Who’s sneaking? I’ve been sitting here for hours. And I don’t know what you’re acting so fucking freaked out about. You scared the shit out of us with your little fainting episode.” Lev is something between pissed and terrified. My guess, she isn’t sure which it is either. My mother however, just looks miserable. But I can’t deal with that now. I can’t deal with any of this.

  “Where’s Carter?”

  “What?” Lev leans in closer like she didn’t understand me.

  “I said, where’s Carter? You know, the guy I married a while back.” I try to sit up, but my head is pounding. When I reach up, I feel a giant egg on the side of my forehead. Apparently, no one caught me but the floor.

  “He’s not here.”

  My mom cuts in before I can ask her to be more specific. “You look like you’re in pain. Just lie back and try to go back to sleep. I’ll go see about getting the nurse in here to give you something.”

  “Okay, thank you.” I close my eyes trying to dull the shooting sensation piercing through my eyeball. “While you’re out there, can you track down Carter please and send him in here. I’m sure he’s freaking out right about now.”

  My mom just nods. Judging by the sound of feet moving across the floor, she’s already on her way out of the room. I fall asleep again before she comes back.

  The following morning, it’s Carter sitting in the chair beside me, and even though I know I scared him too, he at least musters a smile.

  “What’s up, Rocky? Get in a fist fight with the floor?”

  My hand slides up toward the place on my head where I felt the egg the night before. It’s still there, and feels a bit crusty like a scab has formed over it.

  “Please tell me I didn’t get another round of stitches. I’m going to look like Frankenstein’s cousin here shortly if this keeps up,” I grumble.

  “Nope. No stitches this time.” He grins. “But you do have a point. You are starting look like a patchwork human.”

  “Whatever. What I’d like to know is how you got off so easy.” Where I’ve been left with a multitude of new scars in less than favorable places from cuts and incisions due to the accident, Carter has somehow escaped the mess without any visible marks on him.

  He shrugs. “What can I say, I heal well.”

  “Guess we’ll be hoping for your genes in that department then with this little person.” I rub my belly, repeatedly telling myself that it’s in fact still there and therefor our baby is as well. As much as this little episode has gotten to everyone else, it’s nothing compared to the hell I am currently crawling through, trying to find a solid scrap of peace of mind. The constant beep of hospital machines in my ear isn’t helping any either. “So, how long before they let me get out of here?”

  Carter licks his lip like he’s about to talk, then stops and starts over with a deep breath before he finally spits it out. “They’re not letting you out. You’re being admitted until the baby is born.”

  “But that’s another two months.”

  “I know that, Es,” he says softly. Out of everyone, he’s the only one, truly, who never treats me like I’m an asshole for not wanting to stay strapped to a bed, or locked in the hospital. It isn’t because I’m not willing to do whatever it takes to deliver a healthy baby. And I’m not trying to be reckless with my own life either. It’s the exact opposite. Lying down, feels like giving in. It doesn’t make me feel like I can survive this. It makes me feel like I’m at someone else’s mercy. Life. Fate. God. It terrifies me.

  “What if I agree to stay on bed rest in my own bed?” Tears are forcing their way to the surface, and for once I don’t care. “What if I promise not to do anything other than lie there and read baby books?”

  He shakes his head. “It won’t matter, Es. No one is going to budge on this. After last night...things are different now.”

  “I can’t do this, Carter,” I whisper, forcing the words past the lump in my throat.

  “Yes, you can. And I’m going to be here with you. The whole time.”

  I inhale abruptly. Carter isn’t the type to make promises he can’t keep. “That’s not even possible.”

  “Sure it is.” He smiles. A small smile, but it still reaches his eyes.

  “How?” Seriously. “Your work-”

  “Can wait.” He leans forward, resting his arms on his knees, bringing his face closer to mine. “Nothing matters more to me than you and this baby, Esi. Everything else can wait. All of it. If you’re here, I’m here. Deal?”

  I nod, tears still trickling down my chin. “Deal.”

  The hours seem to crawl by and sometime after I’ve had my second tasteless, but supposedly nutrient rich meal since arriving at the hospital, Lev comes creeping into my room. I hear her long before I see her head come poking around the curtain the nurse has drawn to give me some illusion of privacy.

  “Oh, good. You’re awake.” Then she does a double take. “Carter.” Slowly, she comes up beside my bed. “What is he doing here?”

  “What are you talking about? Where else would he be? And why are you ac
ting like he can’t hear you? He’s standing right there, Lev.”

  Carter glances back and forth between us uncomfortably. “Maybe I should let you guys have a little sister time. I’ll be back.” He nods briefly at my sister before disappearing behind the curtain Lev has just crept out from.

  “I can’t believe you. What is your problem?” Lev is lucky I’m not allowed to move from my bed, because I feel like a good solid shake is definitely in order.

  “I’m sorry. I just, I didn’t expect to see him standing there.” She moves over to the window and into the same spot Carter was in when she came in. “Has he...has he been showing up a lot?”

  “Well, yeah. He’s been here non-stop actually. I know, it’s crazy. It’s not where he needs to be right now, but he’s here for me.” He’s always there for me. He’s Carter. I depend on him for that. “You shouldn’t really be so surprised by that.” Or so judgy. Fine, it would hurt us financially, but that was our business to figure out, not hers.

  “I’m sorry. But all things considered, the last thing I expected when I walked into your hospital room this morning was to see Carter.” Lev is being an extra special kind of theatrical today. Maybe she hasn’t had her coffee. Or maybe this is really about that new guy she’s been seeing. The werewolf drummer. Shit. I’ve forgotten his name already. Now isn’t the time to mention that though. Tables would turn, she’d get the upper hand. And I’m not feeling it.

  “I get it. Believe me. Neither one of us enjoys being stuck in the hospital after what happened. Nor are we excited at the prospect of going into debt over all of this, but I’m here, so he’s here. We’re focused on this baby. Together. None of the other crap matters right now.”

  “Yeah, but...he died, Esi. You remember that, right? I mean, the trauma of that, psychologically I just don’t think this is a good thing - ” Suddenly it’s all too clear that all of her playing caregiver and nurse, and whatever other titles she assigned herself over the last six months, have gone completely to her head. Who the hell does Lev think she is trying to shrink either one of us?! If anything, that is my job.

  “Yes, I know he died, Lev! I, unlike you, was right there when it happened. I heard it. All of it. Heard them say they were losing him. Heard them say there was no heartbeat. That he was bleeding out. There was nothing they could do. I know he died. Those were the most agonizing seconds of my entire life, Lev. And then, they brought him back. He came back to me. And every day since then, we’ve had to deal with the trauma of that night.” I could feel my heart pounding in my chest like a sledgehammer about to burst through my ribcage. “So, believe me, when I say, that neither of us has any desire to be anywhere near beeping machines or medical lingo or people in scrubs. But we don’t have a choice. Not until this little person comes into the world safely. Then, after, hospitals everywhere can suck it.” I can barely catch my breath, but that hasn’t stopped me from finishing my rant.

  “Esi, calm down. You’re about to make these monitors explode and I didn’t mean to upset you, I swear. I was stupid. I’m sorry.”

  It’s too late. Two nurses are already storming into the room and are swarming around me.

  “Ma’am. We’re going to need you to step outside.” A third nurse ushers my sister out of the room while a doctor comes running in. More like an intern, since he looks about twelve.

  “We need to regulate her heartrate,” he announces like he’s some kind of genius, and I want to tell him medical school was a waste of his money, but I can’t catch my breath long enough to form any words.

  Thankfully, I have a capable nurse who could be doc’s grandma, and she places the oxygen mask over my face to keep me from passing out. In the midst of this chaos, I see Carter. He’s back. He’s careful to stay out of the way, but in my line of vision and, somehow, I know everything is going to be okay. Even though the room is getting cloudy and the sounds seem farther away, I can still see him. He still sees me. And even though he’s not smiling, he’s not scared.

  “How far along is she?”

  “Thirty-two weeks,” the nurse responds, but the look on her face tells me she doesn’t like where baby doc’s thoughts are going. “It’s too soon.”

  “Survival rates are good for the baby and will be better for the mom as soon as she’s no longer under the strain of this pregnancy.”

  I’m with the nurse. We should wait. My eyes search for Carter. He’s still standing along the wall, frozen in place. But he’s calm. He’s calm because he knows I need him to be calm. If he’s calm. I can be calm.

  My eyes locked on his, I force myself to shut out the noise. The nurse’s voice fades farther into the background as she continues to argue with baby doc on my behalf. Meanwhile, his voice is barely a grumble in the blur of chaos taking over my room. None of it matters. None of it. All I can see is Carter. All I can feel is the love pouring from his eyes, giving me the strength I need to slow my breath and will my heart beat back into a regular rhythm.

  By the time Doctor Starling finally shows up to take over, my mind is crystal clear again and the monitors are no longer playing their own version of a panic symphony. The crisis has been averted. At least for the time being.

  “Well, Esi, I don’t know how you did it, but it looks like you bought your little one some more time.” She glances over my chart once more as if it will tell her how I did it. But there’s no medical explanation. I know that. There’s only one reason I made it through that.

  “Carter helped me.”

  He nods humbly and I know he thinks I’m full of shit. He still thinks I have super powers, but he’s nuts. It’s him. It’s all him. Always has been.

  Doctor Starling lifts her gaze from the chart to smile down at me warmly. “Yes, I’m sure he did.” And I actually think she believes me. “Unfortunately, we’re not out of the woods yet. We ran several tests when you were first brought in. I’m going to let Doctor Harmon explain the details to you, but what we found isn’t good. You’ve got a potentially life threatening infection around your heart called endocarditis. I’m sure you remember us talking about it. It was the biggest factor against proceeding with this pregnancy. But, now that we’re here, we need to find the best and safest way possible to handle the situation. The last thing any of us want to do is end up performing an emergency C-section while you’re under the kind of distress you were experiencing earlier, so I think the best course of action is to decide on a date in the near future and move ahead with the delivery under more prepared and controlled circumstances.”

  I start shaking my head before she even stops talking. “No. I didn’t come this far to quit early. I’m making it to the finish line.”

  She sighs and I know I’m frustrating the crap out of her, although she’s doing an amazing job of not showing it. “Esi. That wasn’t just a panic attack you experienced here. You are at an extremely high risk of having an embolism. And we need to treat you to prevent this from happening. Doctor Harmon is on his way down here to discuss the next course of action regarding your heart, because you and I can’t do anything until after you and he decide on how to proceed with the infection.”

  Her words are racing through my mind and I know what she’s saying is important. Life and death important. But it’s not just my life. And I’ve read about premature babies. Even though the survival rate is reasonably high at thirty-two weeks, the long-term health problems for our child could be extensive. They could also be non-existent. But that’s a bigass gamble if you ask me. My choice will determine everything. If my baby grows up healthy. If my baby grows up struggling with disabilities. If my baby lives. If I live. If my baby grows up without her mother. It’s a her. She’s had her legs crossed stubbornly during every ultrasound, but I don’t need the doctors to tell me what I already know. I’m having a daughter. Carter and I, we are having a daughter. I know this. I also know I want another month. I want to make it another month. But my gut is telling me I’m wrong. It’s screaming it actually. So, I tell my ego to shut up and oblige my
instinct and the doctors.

  “I want another month. I don’t want to deliver yet. But,” I take a deep breath in before there’s no backing out. “But, I know I have to. So, just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

  Doctor Starling studies me for a long while. I think she knows how hard this is for me. I’m pretty sure she’s known from day one I would die for this baby. I don’t want to. But I’m willing, even if the doctors seem less receptive to that line of thinking.

  “You’re going to listen to the cardiologist? And me? And you will do nothing but smile and nod from this moment forward until I walk you and your healthy baby out through the front doors of this hospital?”

  I know what she’s promising. Even though it sounds like a requirement I have to meet, it’s one she’s setting for herself. And to show her I’m actually capable of doing what she’s asking, I smile and nod.

  Chapter Twenty

  Carter ~ Seven Years Ago

  I can’t do it. I know I can’t. There isn’t a single fiber of my being that has any doubt about this and yet...it has to be done. I have to let her go. Not because my parents will cut me off if I don’t. Or even because they’ll disown me completely. But because she’ll force me to go when she finds out. She’ll never accept it. It will never be okay. By making me choose between them and her, they’ve automatically left me with neither. Because she’ll never forgive herself for costing me my family and I’ll never forgive them for costing me Esi.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Esi

  After smiling and nodding for what seems like an entire century, and undergoing a multitude of scans, I’ve learned there’s a huge mass on the mitral valve of my heart, and further testing essentially reveals in great detail that the infection is growing and festering and essentially fucking up my heart in more ways than one.