I Want Candy

by Laveen, Tiana

  “Why does everyone keep saying she?” Candy smiled as she rubbed Eric’s wrist. “You’ll be a fine father. We’re both afraid, but we can do this.”

  “I keep sayin’ ‘she’ because I know it’s a girl. It’s hard to explain, but I just know. I hope I’ll be a good father. She deserves that. She deserves more than me ridin’ around in my car, lookin’ at her from a distance, and sendin’ her a birthday card with a crumpled ten dollar bill in it.” Eric abruptly stopped rubbing Candy’s feet, stood up, and walked away. She heard him walk up the steps quickly and close the bedroom door harshly. She sat in silence and digested the information she had just received.

  “He’s damaged,” she said to herself. “I’m gonna have to take care of him. My sweetheart’s broken.” She looked down at her stomach and rubbed it as tears fell onto her lap.

  * * *

  Candy slowly closed her diary. Tears welled in her eyes. “I can’t read the next journal,” she said out loud. Again, something was pushing her to relive her past. It was time for some self-intervention, but in order to achieve it, she would to look at her choices and life back then. Feelings of anger and sympathy, as well as new understanding emerged. She hadn’t thought about Eric in eons. All she could recall was the devastation he had left in her life, but there were moments of humanity, compassion, and openness that dotted their lives like rain drops on a leaf. It awakened the old in her and restored the new.

  She took a deep breath and picked up the next diary in chronological order. She skipped a few pages and set her eyes to five months pregnant.

  * * *

  Candy felt heat up and down her back as she looked in the bag. The overwhelming odor of marijuana made her dizzy. The old gray gym bag was filled to the brim with saran-wrapped weed. She rubbed her temple as she contemplated her next move. The baby shower was in less than five hours. She heard Eric coming out of the bathroom. Angrily, she threw the bag onto the bed. As he approached her, his stride slowed. Candy trembled with rage and fear.

  “All of the counseling sessions! All of the talk about bein’ a father and good husband! All of that and you still manage to do this! What are you doin’ with all this weed?” Candy shouted.

  “Keep your damn voice down!” he yelled back. “Look, the work is runnin’ dry. We need more money, so I’m just doin’ what I need to do,” he said nonchalantly.

  “I make more than enough for us to have a decent life!” Candy hollered.

  “That’s the damn point! It isn’t about you! I’m the man of this family. You keep takin’ my balls away from me. I need to be able to know I’m contributin’ to our lifestyle. I’m makin’ half of what I used to, and now you’re carryin’ most of the bills. I need to do this until things get better. I’m not smokin’ it, I’m sellin’ it!” he informed as he turned his back and began to dress.

  “What if you get arrested? What’ll we do then? What’ll your daughter do then?” Candy raced up beside him.

  “Candy, leave me alone, really. I’ve got to run some errands before this shower. Not everyone can live all holy like you. Some of us have to make tough choices. I love you and our child, and that’s why this is happenin’. I don’t expect you to understand. Just let me be a man for a change.” Eric finished getting dressed and stormed out of the room as he tucked his shirt in and grabbed the bag off the bed.

  Candy frantically ran after him. “Where are you goin’?” She grabbed the back of his red and white Nike jersey shirt. Her fingertips clung tightly. Eric abruptly snatched away from her, causing her to lose her balance. Candy teeter-tottered on the top step. Eric lunged to grab her flailing arms, but it was too late. Suddenly, Candy was rolling down the steps, her body coiled then sprawled out at the bottom.

  “Nooo! Oh, my God!” she heard Eric yell before her hearing and eye sight seemed to fade away into an abyss of total darkness. She woke to unfamiliar surroundings, an IV in her hand, medical equipment buzzing to her left, green lines on computer monitors, and muffled voices from outside the room. She looked to her right and saw Eric asleep, holding her hand, then she heard a doctor being paged. Dazed, she began to move about. Eric’s eyes fluttered open.

  “We gotta get to the shower! My mama’s waiting!” Candy screamed at the top of her lungs. Pain and wetness went from her breast down to her upper thighs. She tried to get out of bed to no avail.

  “Baby, Baby, stop!” Eric said frantically. “There is no shower. You just need to lie here and rest.” Candy rubbed her stomach and felt the familiar bump. She sighed with relief. Her feet were swollen and propped up. She felt the side of her face. Her fingertips traced the bruises.

  “You had a nasty fall. You’re OK, though,” Eric said as he rubbed her head. The doctor entered the room.

  “Hello, Mrs. Fields. I’m glad to see you’re awake,” he said as he pulled up close to her. Your gynecologist, Dr. Brown, has come and gone. I’ll hand your husband this paperwork and…”

  “Dr. Brown was here? Why’d she leave before speakin’ to me?” asked Candy.

  “Baby, we can get into that later. Let the doctor take a look at you,” Eric interjected.

  “No, no! Someone tell me now. Is my baby OK? Is she OK?” Candy demanded.

  The doctor sighed and stood up. “Mrs. Fields, I’m terribly sorry. We tried to save her but couldn’t. The fall burst the amniotic sac. An infection set in immediately, and her heart rate dropped. We performed an emergency C-section, but she was too underdeveloped to survive. Again, I’m very sorry. I’ll come back in a couple of hours after you’ve had time to speak to your husband.” The doctor stood up and exited the room.

  Candy looked around the room, waiting to wake up from the nightmare she was experiencing. She had already painted and prepared the baby’s room, bought her a few outfits, and picked out a name. She had already told her co-workers and put in for maternity leave. She had already thought of the books she would read to her, the places she would take her, and the secrets they would share. She had already fallen in love with her, over and over again.

  “No!” Candy yelled out. The hospital monitor buzzed. Eric leaned over, crying. Candy angrily pushed him away.

  “This is all your fault!” Candy sobbed. “You couldn’t let me have her! It’s always about you, you and your pride and selfishness. I hate you!” she screamed as she ripped the IV from her hand. Pain shot through her body as she attempted to get up from the bed. She noticed the catheter attached to her. Eric yanked her back down.

  “Candy, Baby, it was an accident! I was walkin’ away. You came after me. I jerked away , and you lost your balance and fell! I’d never hurt you or our baby!” Eric cried out.

  Candy sunk down in the bed and wept. Her mother and two nurses entered the room. Mrs. Benet clung to her daughter as she was sedated. Within a matter of minutes, her head lulled back and forth, and she fell into a deep sleep.

  FORGIVENESS COOKIES

  1 tbsp of I LOVE YOU oil

  1/2 cup of holy water

  1 tsp bittersweet chocolate chips

  2 tbsp wedding vows

  1 oz. hurt and mistrust (please use sparingly)

  Mix together and bake in a 350-degree oven.

  Let cool.

  It may take time, but rushing the cooling process will ruin the necessary transitions.

  * * *

  Candy lie in her bedroom in the same pale yellow nightgown with the tiny pink flower trim for the second evening in a row. She winced from her soreness as she popped another pain pill into her mouth, washing it down with a tepid bottle of water. She looked across the misty dark room at Eric who was slumped in a chair. He was looking at her, his eyes bloodshot.

  “I can get your prescription refilled,” he said blandly, barely able to be heard.

  Candy slowly rose from the bed. She fought through the pain as she made her way down the hall, ignoring Eric’s pleas for her to remain in bed. She sluggishly opened the door to their daughter’s room. The goldenrod block letters that spelled out “Abigail�
�� gazed back at her like blaring neon lights. She made her way to the crib and looked down inside. The strawberry and ladybug linens had been carefully selected. She turned on the mobile and listened to the sweet melody of “Rock a Bye Baby” as the tiny pink and yellow bears danced in a circle. She gripped the edge of the crib, tears streaming down her sullen face and landing on the quilted fabrics. An amber teddy bear with big brown eyes looked at her longingly as her tears coated her face. She sobbed profoundly, falling to her knees and holding her sore lower abdomen. Eric slowly entered the room, lifting her gently off her feet and carrying her back to bed. He removed her nightgown as she continued to pant heavily and sob. Taking a warm sponge, he dipped it into the bathroom sink basin and squirted a quarter-size drop of tangerine bath gel onto it, then moved delicately from her face to her neck to her breasts. He continued, moving downward, taking special care around her stitches and private area. After he finished, he rinsed and patted her dry. She lie there numb, silent, and naked. She looked off into space in a daze. The natural illumination of her eyes was replaced by void of life and hope. Eric stood up and soon returned with a fresh nightgown. It was made of thin white cotton, detailed with small light-blue dragonfly embellishments around the collar. He had purchased it for delivery of their daughter after Candy had complained about the fashion of hospital gowns. He sat her up and slid it carefully over and down her body. The baby bump was already descending. Her previously protruding belly was now merely a slight mound whose loose skin once covered tight abdominal muscles.

  “Ain’t nothing I can say able to change this or make it better. There isn’t a thing I could tell you to make you love me again. I didn’t push you, but for all you believe, I may as well have,” Eric choked out. “I wanna spend the rest of my life tryin’ to make this right, though I know I’ll never come close.” Eric briefly left her side. He returned minutes later with a cup of tea and her cell phone.

  “Your parents, your boss, Dallas, and Jasmine have been ringin’ the phone off the hook. You’ve been asleep, but if you’re up to it, here’s your phone so you can call ’em back. I’ll do whatever you want me to do. If you want me to leave, I’ll leave. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay. Please know and remember this, though, I lost a baby too. I loved her too. Just because I was scared didn’t mean I didn’t love her. I helped paint her room. I bought her some things I hadn’t shown you yet.” Eric pointed to a large white plastic bag in the corner with a doll halfway sticking out of it. “Just remember,” Eric cried deeply into the cradle of his arm. “Just remember, I lost a baby too.” He sobbed severely. Candy looked at him. Her thoughts raced – mixed emotions of anger, sadness, and empathy.

  She delicately reached out and touched the back of his lowered head, wrapping his dark curls around her forefinger. She patted him softly.

  “I know, Eric. I know.”

  After several minutes, Eric stood up and went into the bathroom. He emerged wearing wrinkled, white pajama pants. Walking timidly towards the bed, he slid next to Candy, holding her around her waist as she slept. His warm breaths bathed her neck. Her cell phone beeped continuously until she finally awoke, reached over, and turned it off.

  * * *

  CHAPTER 10

  “So how long’s this supposed to last? I mean, how long will you be gone?” Eric questioned as he washed and dried the morning dishes. As his anxiety increased, the scouring of a rather stubborn piece of fried egg on a plate became his “public enemy number one.”

  “About four days,” Candy answered as she poured herself another cup of coffee. She dropped two large spoonfuls of sugar into it, stirred briskly, and put the light blue mug up to her freshly glossed lips.

  “I just, I mean, we were just getting better. I know you have to work, though,” Eric said as he rinsed the plate off and put it on the rack to dry.

  “Yeah, I have to return sooner or later, and I really need to fly down to Florida to see what’s going on with this plant. I’m going with the auditor, and we have to cut costs or this fiscal year’s gonna take a serious hit. There seems to be a lot of waste from simple errors, so we’re gonna adjust their budget to put a little fire under them. I hate this part of my job, but that’s what I get paid to do. They spoke about closing the location, but we’re trying to avoid that,” Candy shrugged.

  “So soon after, though. I mean, Candy, it’s only been five weeks.” Eric kept his back turned towards her as he placed the squeaky clean juice glasses back into the cabinet.

  “It’s time, I feel better now physically at least. Besides, you know me. I do better and I heal better when I’m busy with work. I have to stay busy.”

  Eric rolled his eyes as he closed the tall kitchen cabinet filled with assorted juice glasses. “OK,” he finally uttered.

  Candy took the last sip of her coffee and stood up, stretching her arms in the air and yawning. She disappeared up the steps like a slinking cat and retrieved her purse, luggage, and airline information. She returned to the kitchen and gave Eric a hearty embrace. She felt his resistance, then felt him finally melt in her arms. He nestled his face close to her neck, sniffed her light, floral perfume, and breathed her in more deeply.

  “Hurry home. I’m missin’ you already,” he uttered as he squeezed her harder.

  “I will, Honey. It’ll only be a few days. I’ll call you as much as I can.” She kissed his lips slowly, deliberating over the affection. Turning her back, she left the house and drove away as her radio droned “Sweet Dreams are Made of This” by the Eurythmics.

  * * *

  “You need to go to the Bahamas with us!” Jasmine urged, her speech slightly slurred. “We’ll go to Egypt down the line sometime, but that’s an expensive trip – plus we can’t get tipsy there!”

  “Jasmine, you’re tanked! I told you to stop drunk-dialin’ me,” Candy laughed as she flipped through her suitcase looking for her makeup remover.

  “I might be drunk, but I speak the truth. I had to come out and celebrate Dallas’s promotion. Shame you had to leave on your business trip!” Jasmine yelled, hiccupping at the same time. “We’re goin’ with a bunch of ladies from the book club. As much of a book worm as you are, I’m shocked you haven’t come to more meetings, but anyway, after everything that…that’s happened to you – I mean…”

  “I get it, Jasmine. You don’t have to tiptoe around me. I do need a getaway, but the timings all wrong. Maybe that trip to Egypt would be nice, but I need to focus on other things right now. I need to work on my marriage,” Candy sighed as she slumped onto the hard bed with stiff white sheets. Plumping the flattened pillow behind her billows of curls, she sprawled her legs and flexed her toes as Jasmine continued.

  “Work on your marriage?” Jasmine sucked her teeth. “That Nigga need a damn divorce filed on his ass! Why can’t you and Dallas man up and…”

  “Jasmine, I don’t need this shit right now,” Candy said with exasperated breath. “Anyway, just keep me in the loop about any future trips. I do need to get away, just later.” Candy slowly removed the cap from her Diet Coke and listened as the carbonation escaped from the bottle. She felt the light mist hit her lips as she brought it to her mouth. She smiled as Jasmine rambled on, finally hanging up the phone. After channel surfing for a few minutes, she pulled out her laptop and began looking through work emails. She responded to them in corresponding fashion, noticing one near the bottom of the list from her supervisor. Taking another sip from the cool bottle, she double-clicked on it.

  To: Candy Benet

  From: Gabriel Justice

  Candy, I would have called, but this was easier. I received your report regarding elimination of the practice of staff cutting in favor of shortening hours. HR passed the information along to Jensen. We can discuss this further, but the numbers do line up well and may help. I’m not convinced that no staffing cuts will result, but there will surely be fewer if we implement this plan instead. Once again, you have proven to be fair, but also business-minded. Give me a call when the time permit
s.

  GJ

  Candy smiled as she flexed her toes again. She picked up the phone and dialed Gabriel.

  “Hi, Candy,” he answered, the sound of jazz music playing in the background.

  “Hi, Mr. Justice, I mean, Gabriel. How are you?”

  “You owe me five dollars. You called me ‘Mr. Justice’ again. We’re friends, Candy.”

  “I know, I know!” Candy laughed. “I can’t help it! I mean, I know we’ve had great, off-the-clock conversations, but it’s just a habit. It’s bad, I know. That five dollars means a lot to me, too,” she joked.

  “Hey, with the price of gas these days, it should. I’m doing great, if I say so myself. I take it you received my email.

  “I sure did. Thank you so much for the compliments. You flatter me entirely too much. I’m just trying to keep the peace.” Candy smiled.

  “You deserved every word I said. Hey, watch it!” Gabriel yelled.

  Candy laughed. “What in the world’s going on over there?”

  “I’m at a club. People are acting a bit rowdy like the ladies from ‘Sex in the City.’”

  Candy burst out laughing. “Gabriel, you’re a mess. I can’t believe you watch those crazy shows. I had to stop watching. It just got too over the top for me.”

  Gabriel laughed. “I never miss an episode, and if you tell anyone, I’ll blatantly lie. I will look whomever it is square in the eye and tell them that you made the entire thing up.” Candy burst out laughing again, holding her stomach.

  “And I also watch ‘Desperate Housewives,’ and if you repeat that as well, bad things could happen.”

  Candy doubled over, cackling. “You really need help. I could get paid a lot of money if I let this leak to some gossip rag,” she joked.