MA09 Myth Inc in Action

by Robert Asprin

  As I was sayin’ before I was so rudely interrupted, I am at a bit of a loss as to how to respond to this advance.

  “Right now?” I sez. “Don’t you want to talk for a while first?”

  “What’s wrong? Don’t you like me?” she sez, startin’ to pout a little. “Should I go peddle my wares somewhere else?”

  “Peddle?”

  “Watch it,” she sez, flat and nasty. “It’s a figure of speech.”

  “Oh.”

  I am vastly relieved to hear this. The only thing more depressin’ to a sensitive guy like me than learnin’ that a female is interested in him for his body and not his mind is learnin’ that her real interest is in his wallet.

  “Well?” she sez, cockin’ an eyebrow at me.

  Though I am, perhaps, a little dense at pickin’ up cues from a skirt, let it never be said I am slow once the message has gotten through. Scant seconds later I have acquired the key to a room from Frumple and am leadin’ this vision of loveliness up the narrow stairs... well, followin’ her, actually, as experience has taught me that this gives one an excellent view of the sway of her hips, which is to me still one of the most beautiful and hypnotic sights in any dimension.

  In a masterful display of control, I manages not to fumble with the key whilst unlockin’ the door, and even stand aside to let her enter first.

  Bein’ a broad, she whips out one of those foldin’ mirrors and starts checkin’ her makeup even before I finish lockin’ the door behind us.

  “So,” I sez, over my shoulder, “what do you want to do first?”

  To be honest with youse, at this point I have no interest at all in creatin’ a hassle. Instead, I am thankin’ my lucky stars that a skirt like this would give a lug like me a second look, and hopin’ we can get on with things before she changes her mind.

  “Well,” she sez, “you could start by bringing me up to date on how you and Nunzio have been doing.”

  It takes a moment for this to sink in, but when it does, I knows just what to say.

  “Say what?” I sez, spinnin’ around.

  The skirt what I come upstairs with is nowhere to be seen. Instead, I’ve got a different broad in the room with me. One with green hair and ...

  “Hi, Guido!” she sez. “Great disguise, huh?”

  “TANANDA? IS THAT you?”

  My surprise is not entirely due to my not havin’ spotted who it is what has been cadgin’ drinks from me all evening... though I hadn’t. Rather I am more than a little startled by her appearance, which has changed considerably since we parted company at the beginnin’ of this mission.

  Tananda is normally a spectacular lookin-skirt with an impressive mane of green hair. While she has never chosen to present the formal, every-hair-in-place-self-presentation favored by most of the broads what hang out at the sushi bar, optin’ instead for a casual wind-blown look, I am sufficiently versed in the secrets of the female gender to be aware that the latter look is as, or more, difficult to establish and maintain as the former, and often harder to carry off. All of which is to say, Tananda is usually very attentive to and careful of her looks.

  What I am currently seein’, however, is someone who looks like she has been on the wrong end of a bad accident. Most of the hair is missin’ from one side of her head, along with the correspondin’ eyebrow, and the other side of her face is marred by a big bruise which seems to be fadin’, but still looks painful. Havin’ both given and received more than my share of the latter type of injury, I can estimate with fair accuracy the force of the blow necessary to produce such spectacular results... and it must have been a doozey.

  “Sorry for the horror show,” she sez, puttin’ away her disguise mirror after takin’ one last peek, as if to see whether things have changed since the last time she looked, “but it’s been a rough assignment so far.”

  “What... What happened to you?” I sez, findin’ my voice at last. “Who did this to you?”

  I mean, we had all known there might be some trouble associated with this mission, but nobody likes to see a beautiful skirt get worked over.

  “Would you believe it was our own team?” she sez, flashin’ a quick smile, though I knew it hurt.

  “Come again?”

  “The hair is courtesy of Gleep,” she explained. “I guess it was an accident. I must have gotten between him and dinner or something. Anyway, it’s not as bad as it looks... or could have been. Chumley saw it coming even if I didn’t and got me out of the way of the worst of it... which is both where the bruise came from and why I’m not complaining about it. Honestly, you should see what happened to the wall that was behind me at the time.”

  “Speakin’ of which, where are Chumley and Gleep?”

  For the first time in our conversation, Tananda starts lookin’ uncomfortable.

  “They’ve... ah... headed back to Big Julie’s. Actually, big brother’s in a bit worse shape than I am, so rather than have him trying to work with his arm in a sling, I told him to take Gleep somewhere out of the action and stay with him for a while. It’s funny, you know? I still can’t figure what set Gleep off... but until we can get a handle on it, I figure he’s more of a danger than a help on this assignment. Anyway, I decided to stay on and use this disguise gizmo to see if I could do anything to help the cause on my own. I sure couldn’t do much worse than we were doing as a team.”

  Somethin’ was tuggin’ at the back of my mind... somethin’ that Nunzio had said about his last assignment and bein’ nervous about workin’ with Gleep again. I couldn’t put my finger on it, though, and seein’ as how the discussion was makin’ Tananda uncomfortable, I decided not to pursue the subject. I did, however, make a mental note to talk with Nunzio about it when we had a chance.

  “Sounds like things weren’t goin’ too well even before the accident,” I sez, pickin’ up on her last aside.

  “You can say that again,” Tananda sez, heavin’ a little sigh. “We were trying to work variation on the old badger game... you know, where I give a soldier the come on, then Chumley bursts in and raises a ruckus because the guy’s compromising his sister’s honor?”

  “I know the scam,” I sez, ‘cause I do... though I’ve never run it or been victimized by it myself. Still, it’s a time-tested, classic gambit.

  “Well, it wasn’t working anywhere near as well as we would have hoped. Most of the soldiers around here are under orders to keep their hands off the local women, and if I upped the voltage to make them forget their orders, then the locals would spot what I was doing and take the position that I was asking for whatever attentions I got.”

  “Gee, that’s tough,” I said. “It musta been hard on you... particularly if you was workin’ injured.”

  I still didn’t like the way that bruise was healin’, and it must have shown in my voice, ‘cause Tananda leans forward and puts a hand on my arm.

  “I’m all right, Guido, really... though it’s sweet of you to be worried. I’ve gotten a lot worse just rough-housing with Chumley... honest.”

  Realizin’ that her big brother is a troll, I can well believe that Tananda is used to gettin’ dinged up a bit in family squabbles. Right now, however, there is somethin’ else weighin’ on my mind.

  You see, Tananda’s touch was real soft and warm when she laid her hand on my arm, and it gets me to thinkin’ again about the original reason I had for bringin’ her up to this room. As I said before, it has been a long time since I have been alone with a skirt on anythin’ resemblin’ an intimate basis... But Tananda is still a business associate, and as with any profession it is unwise at best to allow oneself to become intimately involved with a fellow worker. Besides, she has never indicated to me any interest beyond friendship... or maybe a big sister. Still, it was real nice to have a woman touchin’ me...

  “Umm... All right. If you say so,” I sez, movin’ slightly to break the physical
contact between us. “We was just assigned here ourselves, so we haven’t had a chance to do much of anythin’. I think maybe we should try to figure out how Nunzio and me can work the same area as you without us gettin’ in each others’ way.”

  “Don’t be silly, Guido. Since you’re here, we can all work together!”

  “Come again?”

  “Think about it,” she sez, gettin’ all bouncy in her eagerness. “I’ve been having trouble finding soldiers to take the bait on my little routine, but you’re soldiers, so it can make both our jobs easier. If we’re working both sides of the game, we can control exactly how we want things to go.”

  I make a sincere effort to ignore her bouncin’ whilst I try to think of a good reason not to go along with her suggestion. Somehow I am not sure my actin’ skills are up to pretendin’ to be physically forward with Tananda... but I am even less enthusiastic about havin’ Nunzio take the part.

  “I dunno, Tananda,” I sez, reluctant-like. “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea. I mean, we might pull it off once... but if we’re successful in our play-actin’, then Nunzio and me end up in the stockade and out of action for the duration.”

  “Oh yeah?” she sez, cockin’ her remainin’ eyebrow at me. “So what were you thinking would happen when you brought me up here this evening?”

  “Ummm...” I sez, recallin’ that, unfortuitously, takin’ the Fifth Amendment only works in court.

  “Never mind, Guido,” she grins. “I withdraw the question. Tell you what, though. If being directly involved makes you uneasy, just line me up with one of your army buddies. You’ve been in long enough that you should have a pretty good idea of who we can sucker.”

  I find that I am not wild about this idea either; first, because it seems like a dirty trick to play on any of the crew what’s been workin’ with Nunzio and me the last few weeks, and second, because I find I am not overjoyed with the idea of anybody pawin’ Tananda. Still, I had to accept that we was gonna have to break somebody’s eggs to get this omelette made, and that Tananda is right, it would be easier and quicker to do if we set the thing up ourselves.

  “Okay, Tananda,” I sez. “We’ll try it that way.”

  “Are you okay, Guido?” she sez, peerin’ at me concerned-like. “You sound a little flat.”

  “I’m all right. I’ll tell youse though, Tananda, this assignment is gettin’ me down a little.”

  “Well cheer up, things may have been rocky so far, but working together, we should be able to make some progress. Tell you what, find Nunzio and fill him in on what we’re doing. Then we’ll meet back here and give it a try... say, tomorrow night?”

  “Sure, why not?”

  “In the meantime,” she sez, opening her disguise mirror again and startin’ to fiddle with the knobs, “come on downstairs and I’ll buy you a drink or two.”

  For a minute that sounds like a good idea. Then I remember Frumple.

  “I think we’d better cool it, Tananda. We gotta be careful about how much we’re seen together here.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “The reason we’re hangin’ out here is we found out that the proprietor’s a Deveel. The trouble is, he seems to know the Boss and has some kind of grudge against him. So far, he doesn’t know we’re connected with the Boss, but if he gets suspicious...”

  “A Deveel?”

  “Yeah. Says his name is Frumple.”

  “Frumple? So he’s back in operation again, is he?”

  “You know him?”

  “Sure. He teamed up with Isstvan against us back when I first met Skeeve... and you’re right, if he gets suspicious, a disguise spell wouldn’t keep him from figuring out who I am.”

  “Maybe we should wait and try to run our gambit somewhere other than here,” I sez, tryin’ to keep the hope out of my voice.

  “No need,” Tananda grins. “As long as he doesn’t make the connection between us beforehand, we should still be able to pull it off tomorrow night. In fact, it’ll be killing two birds with one stone, in a manner of speaking. I don’t mind doing Frumple a bit of dirt in the course of action, and it looks like his place will be at ground zero when the fireworks start. By the time he puts it together, we’ll be long gone.”

  “Swell,” I sez, with more enthusiasm than I am feelin’. “Then we’re all set. Youse go ahead and leave first. I’ll stay up here awhile and give youse a head start.”

  As soon as she is gone, I settle myself to try to sort out my misgivin’s about how things are goin on this assignment. It doesn’t take long to figure out that I am sufferin’ under a burden of conflictin’ loyalties.

  Youse may find this surprisin’ from someone in my line of work, but loyalty and betrayin’ trust counts very high up in my books... which is one of the things I have always admired about the M.Y.T.H. Inc. crew, as they all seem to value the same thing.

  In the past, I’ve managed to balance my loyalties between the Boss and the Mob, as the strange approach the Boss takes to things has not directly threatened any of the Mob’s interests. This current situational, however, is turnin’ out to be a horse of a different caliber.

  In plannin’ to stir up trouble between the civilians and the army, I am violatin’ the trust placed in me as a representative of the army... but I have managed to rationalize this as it is my reason for joinin’ the army in the first place, so in this matter I am actin’ kinda like a spy with my loyalty clearly with the Boss.

  Nunzio has convinced me that I am not violatin’ my deal with Frumple by usin’ his place as a site for our mischief, as it falls outside the agreement we made. This strikes me as a little shaky, but I can be flexible when the occasion calls for it.

  This latest plan, though, of settin’ up someone in your squad to be the fall guy is real hard to see as anythin’ except betrayin’ a friend. Still, Tananda is right... it is the best way to be sure that things go the way we want ‘em to.

  Thinkin’ it over real hard, I finally come up with an answer: What I gotta do is think of it as a joke on a buddy. Okay, maybe it’s a dubious joke... like poppin’ a paper bag behind someone who’s gettin’ ready to blow a safe... but as long as the notable in question does not end up permanently damaged or incarcerated as a result, it can be passed off as a joke.

  Now, my only concern is tryin’ to make sure that whoever we pick has a sense of humor ... a real good sense of humor!

  “HOOOO-EY! THE PLACE is sure jumpin’ tonight!” Shu Flie exclaims, leanin’ back in his chair to survey the room.

  “You kin say that again, Shu,” his brother sez. “Hey! Lookit that one over there!”

  Any way youse look at it, the Flie brothers run a class act... though politeness will forbid my commentin’ on which class. For a change, however, I am inclined to agree with them.

  This is our first weekend in Twixt, much less here at Abdul’s, and the bar is packed to overflowin’. In fact, if we hadn’t been drinkin’ here since early afternoon, it’s doubtful we would have a table at all. As it is, we are entrenched at our regular table with a good view of the bar... or, to be more specific the de-rears arrayed along the bar... as well as the de-fronts when they turn around. Believe me, speakin’ as a well-traveled demon, youse don’t get scenery like this just anywhere!

  Unfortunately, my enjoyment of the view is marred by my distraction over the comin’ events.

  “Whatdaya think, Swatter?” Shu sez, turnin’ his attention to me. “You ever see women like this before?”

  “Oh, they’re not bad,” I sez, cranin’ my neck to scan the crowd. It has occurred to me that Tananda will probably be in disguise when she arrives, and it will therefore be difficult for me to recognize her unless she gives me some kind of signal.

  “Not bad? Listen to this, guys! All this beautiful woman-flesh, and all Swatter can say is ‘They’re not bad’!”

  “Really, Swa
tter,” Junebug sez. “You just don’t see beautiful women like this in the army!”

  This earns him a dangerous scowl from Spyder, but he misses it completely as he is feelin’ his drinks more than a little at this point.

  “Nice crowd for a fight. Know what I mean, cuz?” Nunzio murmurs in my ear low enough so no one else can hear.

  “I dunno,” I sez, scannin’ the crowd again. “I don’t see a single one of these white collar types that even Bee couldn’t take without half-tryin’.”

  “That’s what I mean,” Nunzio grins, and helps himself to another swallow from his drink.

  As you can maybe tell from his behavior, the hesitations I have been experiencin’ about settin’ up one of our buddies has not bothered my cousin in the least. If anything, he seems to be lookin’ forward to a bit of trouble.

  “Watch my chair,” I sez, standing up. “I’m goin’ to the bar for a refill.”

  Like I said, the place is mobbed, and in typical tightfisted Deveel-type fashion, Frumple has not incurred the added overhead of puttin’ on extra help, so if youse wants to get a drink sometime before the next Ice Age, it is necessitated that youse belly up to the bar to get your refill directly from the bartender. If youse is wonderin’ why someone as greedy as Frumple is willin’ to miss the extra income generated by a higher turnover of drinks, let me restore your faith by explainin’ that he makes it up both by waterin’ the hooch and by increasin’ his unit revenue... which is to say he raises his prices as the crowds get bigger.